How to get rid of the excellent student's syndrome. Excellent student syndrome: causes, signs, diagnosis, treatment - how to get rid of. Learn to deal with criticism

Ilya Bazenkov

Some parents believe that children
like vessels, you can fill your
unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.
Michael Nichols (psychologist)

An excellent student's syndrome or an excellent student's complex is seen, as a rule, in adults, and not in children. Sometimes it is also called an excellent pupil's complex, tk. it is more common in women. The explanation is simple. A child with an excellent student's complex is comfortable for adults, because with all his might tries to meet their requirements, to be always good. But in adulthood, an excellent student's complex can seriously complicate life.

The essence of the syndrome (complex) of the excellent student is not always to do everything perfectly well, but that the basic need is to get good marks from others.

One of the frequently encountered requests to psychologists: how to get rid of the excellent student's complex?

How to stop wanting to be good for everyone in order to get a good assessment of yourself?

First, let's figure out why it occurs. How parents and other adults create an excellent student's syndrome in a child.

A necessary condition for getting rid of the excellent student's syndrome is the awareness of its causes.

So how do adults contribute to this syndrome?

The child came from school.

How are you doing in school?
- Today I got a four in history.
- How? Why four and not five? You upset me. But Petya only gets five.

The child was cleaning up his room.

Why didn't you put this book on the shelf? I'm not happy with you.

The teenager washed the dishes, but the trouble is - there is a stain on one plate.

Poorly! All dishes should shine! You made me very sad.

And there is also something else.
From day to day, adults inspire the child that he must always be good for everyone, always meet others halfway in order to get a good assessment of himself.

So parents and other adults contribute to the formation of an excellent student's syndrome (complex) in children. And from the best intentions. After all, they want the child to grow up successful, to cope well with his duties, to do everything well and to be no worse, and even better than others.

Studies show that a predisposition to excellent student's syndrome can be congenital, associated with the type of temperament, individual psychophysiological characteristics of a person.

But it arises in childhood as a result of communication between adults (primarily parents) with children. And if in childhood and adolescence, the excellent student's syndrome is often not noticed and is even welcomed by the adults around the child, then in the future it brings significant disharmony to a person's life.

KEY FEATURES OF EXCELLENT SYNDROME

Increased sensitivity to criticism, even if it is minor;
- constant fears of failure, often leading to the refusal of any activity due to the fear of not coping;
- the tendency to often compare oneself with others, to be jealous when they praise not him, but another;
- unstable self-esteem, strongly dependent on the opinions of others;
- the very first failure can cause a depressive mood and refusal of further attempts to continue doing something;
- getting stuck on the experiences of their failures, even minor ones;
- the constant need to meet the expectations of others.

Of course, the severity of the excellent student's syndrome is different. In extreme pathological cases, it is not so common. But even expressed moderately still complicates life, leads to a limitation of one's own capabilities and difficulties in relationships.

TYPICAL PREREQUISITES FOR THE FORMATION OF EXCELLENT SYNDROME

1. The often repeated belief that love must be earned through good deeds. And the more correct you are, the more they will love you.

2. One or even several close adult pathological perfectionists striving to raise a child in their own image and likeness.

3. Frequent and strong censure of the child for mistakes and failures. Pushing him to excessive self-criticism, to a style of thinking according to the principle - "if I did the right thing, everything would be fine", "if I tried, then everything would work out", "if I thought it over, everything would turn out differently" ...

4. Too high demands on the child. Parents expect "perfection" from him.

The formation of an excellent student's complex occurs in childhood, and most often begins to manifest itself in early adolescence.

Sometimes the excellent student's syndrome is confused with moderate perfectionism - the desire for an ideal result. Indeed, extreme perfectionism and excellent student syndrome coexist.
But perfectionism, naturally, not expressed in a pathological form, can be quite normal - a person tries to do everything well, to achieve the best result.

And the "excellent student" is not worried about the result itself, but the grade that he will receive, he always needs an A in his life. And as a result, the goal is shifted from the result to the assessment of this result by others.

People with an excellent student's complex often turn into a twitchy neurotic who is very uncomfortable with life. He is constantly worried about failures, both imaginary and real. The meaning of his life is to be an excellent student, to get A's at any cost, to fight for them. And if there is a risk of getting a different assessment, then he may not take up the implementation of something, refuse for fear of failure to implement his plans, ideas and even career aspirations.

And those around him are not easy with him. How to live and communicate with a person who reacts painfully to any criticism, including falling into depression? And praising other people makes him feel jealous.

Alas, the pursuit of academic results, expressed not in knowledge, but in grades; the vanity of the parents; perseverance of teachers in the struggle for academic performance all this creates fertile soil for the cultivation of excellent student syndrome. Of course, not all children and adolescents acquire this syndrome, even if the environment contributes to it. Much depends on the innate personality traits.

A child with a strong type of higher nervous activity is more stable, a teenager can resist through typical teenage reactions, so much so that the surrounding adults "will not seem a little".
But there are many people suffering from an excellent student's complex. Even in a mild form, he brings disharmony into the life of both the person himself and those around him.

There is a persistent myth in society that school grades are an indicator of a person's intelligence and his further professional success. BUT IT'S NOT SO!

These facts are confirmed by hundreds of studies carried out in different countries:

1. School performance is not an indicator of a person's future success.

2. School performance is not an indicator of intelligence.

Recent research at the Higher School of Economics has shown that the professional success of graduates does not depend on their grades during their studies. See the article on our website

It was said above that the predisposition to the syndrome (complex) of the excellent student may be congenital. But often parents, themselves suffering from an excellent student's complex, pass it on to their children through upbringing, projecting their own fears of getting a negative assessment for their child. In this case, the parents' complex of an excellent student is manifested in their fears of not looking like an “ideal parent” in the eyes of others, primarily teachers.

There is an ongoing struggle for academic achievement, where grades are the main focus, not the child's knowledge and interests. Often this applies not only to school grades, but also to other aspects of life. The main thing is to look appropriate in the eyes of others.

And it's hard to fight the acquired complex of an excellent student, so people live under this burden - heightened sensitivity to critical remarks, resentment, dependence on the opinions of others, all the time afraid not to get an A (and because of this they often refuse some intentions and desires).

So is it worth it, dear parents, to demand from the child that he always receive only fives? Have you always met all the expectations of those around you? But sometimes it happens when close adults because of some, in their opinion, failure of the child, begin to "blackmail" him with their health. "Oh, because of your marks my heart breaks," says a loving mother or grandmother, not even suspecting what she is forming in a child with these words.

And in the end, what is more important to you? The child's health and mental well-being, harmony in relations with him or the number of fives in the diary, especially since they do not determine a person's success.

Often, parents like the excellent student syndrome, although they are not aware of its existence. Indeed, what else is needed? The child is obedient, studies well, sincerely worries if something does not work out for him. A dream, not a child! And adults do not realize that the most important thing for a child is not the result of his activity, but the desire to be good and “approved”. And a feeling is formed in him that they love him only for the "five", and not himself. Make a mistake and lose love.

There is a fear of making a mistake, making the wrong choice. And this fear is often fixed for life, along with self-doubt and fears of "looking wrong", "doing wrong" and even "thinking wrong." In extreme cases, the fear of being wrong can turn into a real phobia.

In his life, a person with an excellent student's complex experiences a feeling of insecurity, it is difficult for him to build open relationships with other people, he often thinks that he may be worse than the expectations of others.

A person who was taught in childhood that he is loved only for good grades, for obedience, for some kind of success and achievement, in later life it will seem that someone needs him only because he meets the expectations of others. Hence the underestimated or unstable self-esteem, the feeling that he is not loved and appreciated, not recognized.

There is an unwillingness to fail, a fear of difficulties and self-doubt.

How to get rid of an excellent student's complex in a child?

1. Praise your child not for grades, but for the result.

"It's very good that you got an A."
“It’s very good that you did the test.”
Do you feel the difference?

2. Take an interest not in grades at school, but in the learning process, what you learned new, what was interesting or not interesting, difficult or easy.

3. Never associate assessment of learning outcomes (and not just learning) with personality assessment.

4. Do not compare your child with other children, do not set them up as an example.

5. Do not judge the child for any failures, better support him.

6. If the child is painfully worried about the grade received at school, or because of something else that did not work out, then you can try to discount the failure, show the child that it does not matter much and, moreover, does not affects your attitude towards him. For example: "Just think of a three in mathematics, so what?" Just do not devalue the child's efforts to achieve a result, here, on the contrary, it is important to show him that he is great, even if he did not complete everything for 5+.

Do you love your child not because of his grades or because he is obedient, neat, polite, learns well, etc.?

How to get rid of an excellent student's complex in adulthood?

1. Realize. that some of your feelings, emotions and actions are not caused by a real situation, but by fears not to please others, not to justify their expectations. The excellent student's complex kind of brings you back to childhood, and you are afraid not to meet the requirements of your parents or teachers.

2. To figure out whether the people around you really expect that you will always act perfectly? By the way, we often tend to attribute to others what they don't really think.

3. Allow yourself the right to make mistakes and not always be an ideal person in everything and always.

4. Be aware of when you are controlled by excellent student syndrome, and when your actions and emotions do not depend on it. In other words. put your excellent student complex under the control of consciousness.

5. Stop expecting constant approval from people around you, comparing yourself to others. In fact, it is not you, but the very child who has formed the feeling that he is loved only when he does everything perfectly, should be the best.

6. Want the excellent student's complex to stop managing you. Start to fight with him, to act.

The most difficult thing in getting rid of the excellent student's complex is to allow yourself not always to meet the expectations of others.
By the way, we often invent these expectations ourselves. A person with excellent student syndrome ascribes to others something that they supposedly expect from him. He believes that if you always do good to others, then they will respond in kind.
But this is not always the case in life. And why should other people live up to your expectations? Where do the legs of this belief come from? Was it not from our childhood, when we were taught that we must always be good, and for everyone?

A person with excellent student syndrome often cannot start doing something new or finish what they started. The reason is simple. He needs a five, i.e. we must strive for the ideal. And the ideal is far and not always achievable, at least in his imagination. And next to them are people who, from the point of view of an "excellent student", do a mess, but at the same time feel confident and achieve success. What feeling does an "excellent student" have? That's right, most often resentment and a sense of injustice.

And life is not always fair, especially from the point of view of "excellent students".

Decide what is more important to you: always achieve results, even to the detriment of yourself or your own interests.

Learn to prioritize where your personal interests come first.

Add more selfishness to your actions. Without it in moderation, life is not very attractive, and neither is food without salt.
It is impossible for everyone to like it, and why?

Think about how you can use your excellent student syndrome so that it not only interferes with your life, but sometimes helps you achieve your goals. It is our own, not strangers! He can help to do something better than others. But only this must be done for yourself, for the realization of your goals, and not in order to gain the approval of others, who most likely will not appreciate it. By the way, many people are annoyed by excessive perfectionism. especially when it is imposed, demonstrated. A person with excellent student syndrome can often irritate others, because makes increased demands on others. Who likes it?

If the excellent student's syndrome is controlled, then he is quite capable of not only spoiling life, but also helping in something. But you can't give him complete freedom.

Not only excellent students and good students suffer from the notorious syndrome of the excellent student. The desire to be the best and to demonstrate only positive academic results can be equally inherent in hard-core C students. Educators explain this paradox by the fact that fear of getting a bad grade at school or hearing negative feedback about themselves makes children more actively involved in the "race" of school achievements.

A child's desire to “always be at his best” and to demonstrate his success to others is often a manifestation of his deep self-doubt. The reasons for this uncertainty can be very different. Usually these are complexes about their appearance, lack of friends, insufficiently high, in the child's opinion, family status. The child may also believe that the parents do not love him enough. In this case, striving to get good grades can be a way to attract the attention of adults and prove your worth to them.

Children often become an extension of their parents' ambitions. Many of them believe that in order for a son or daughter to achieve something in life, you need to fully devote yourself to the child. long ago proved the fact that behavioral and psychological problems of children are a reflection of the internal attitudes of their parents and those patterns of behavior that are adopted in the family. Dads and mothers, making high demands on themselves, unconsciously transfer their own qualities and problems to children, forming in them the so-called "excellent student's syndrome". At the same time, parents may not make specific requirements for the child. Children subtly feel the mood of others, intuitively tuning in to their "wave".

A perfectionist child tends to be very sensitive to even minor setbacks. The pursuit of success and achievement can turn into depression for him. After all, being always the best is hard both physically and mentally. Such children lose their childlike spontaneity and the ability to enjoy what is good in their life. They have problems communicating with their peers.

The fear of doing something wrong prevents the perfectionist from learning. The child is very worried about educational failures, upset, making a minor mistake, afraid to make a mistake when answering in the lesson, and having received a three, he suffers. There are cases when such children dropped out of school altogether.

They will learn how to do their homework correctly by watching another video tutorial on the portal "I am a parent". Advice from child psychologist Ekaterina Tsukanova.

How to help a child get rid of an excellent student's complex?

Performing well in school is not a sign that your child is suffering from excellent student syndrome. He may be really interested in learning. However, if behind the price of fives there are great efforts and fear of punishment, and school failures are perceived as catastrophes, this is a symptom that the child needs the help of a parent or a psychologist.

The portal "I am a parent" gives five that will help a child get rid of the excellent student's syndrome.

Parents should continually adjust their expectations to match their children's abilities. Think about how they relate to the capabilities of your child. After all, the maximum grade for each student is different. One has a five, and the other has a three. If you want to change something in your child, then start with yourself. Lower the bar on requirements for a son or daughter by abandoning the ambition to raise the "ideal child." And most importantly, reconsider your attitude to the child's academic performance - success in life does not always depend on grades at school!

2. Cultivate the correct attitude towards grades

Explain to your child that he will face grades everywhere and always, not just in school life. However, they cannot completely determine his mood and self-image. Reassure your son or daughter that you value them regardless of their school performance. Show your love and care for them, regardless of the marks in your diary.

3. Don't compare your child to other children.

If you do not want to raise a loser who is offended by the whole world and has lost confidence in their abilities, stop comparing your son or daughter to other “successful and talented” children. Scolding one and praising another child, imposing him as an example to the first, you oppose them to each other. The very fact of the assessment seriously injures the psyche of the child, deprives him of confidence in parental support. In doing so, you provoke the child to engage in rivalry with stronger students, which does not always benefit him.

4. Give the right to make mistakes

Expecting that a child will not make any mistakes is being overly harsh and misrepresenting life. Explain to your child that he has the right to be wrong. Realizing this will help him overcome the fear of saying or doing something wrong.

5. Develop a sense of humor in children.

Children who are very sensitive to other people's opinions should be reminded that they don't have to be perfect in the eyes of others. Try. An optimist is easier to survive the hardships of life, better converges with peers and is popular with them.

Nadezhda Malinkina

Take the test on the I Am Parent portal and see if you understand your child.

Is it good to be the first, perfect and impeccable in everything, to bring all the things started to perfection? For a person with excellent student syndrome, this is the main goal, the motto of life. He cannot shift his attention to another activity and calm down until he does everything in an exemplary way. Striving to achieve this at any cost does not always bring happiness. Often a person feels anxious, which is exhausting both physically and mentally. What can cause the development of the syndrome and how to get rid of it? Can a child with excellent student syndrome be helped?

How does the syndrome arise?

Of course, all the problems stem from childhood. An adult with this syndrome, as a child, received from parents strict guidelines and for the slightest offense was punished... Such a child, having come to school, knows for sure that five is the best mark, and three or four is not a mark at all. If you didn't get five, you didn't get anything, zero.

Parents of such a baby, motivating a child for excellent academic performance, run the risk of raising a perfectionist. The child grows up with the understanding that it will be a shame for parents if it is not perfect.

It makes no sense to blame only parents for this situation. They are just repeating the pattern they were raised by.

Further, the situation develops according to the scenario. It is almost impossible to study only for A's. After all, there can be no inclination to all subjects? The kid has to overcome his personal preferences, trying to please adults, to cram what he is not entirely interested in or understandable. The attitude "to be the best" does not provide an opportunity to understand your own preferences.

The child grows up with the understanding that he is loved, when he does everything perfectly. If he is given four, then there is frustration and feeling like a failure. I don’t want to go home, there the parents dissatisfied with the assessment will only help to establish themselves in the role of the lagging behind. Gradually, this attitude towards life leads to neurosis and the emergence of an excellent student's syndrome in a child.

Development of the syndrome in an adult

A child with an excellent student's complex becomes an adult with many problems and various pathologies. After all, after leaving school there is no adaptation necessary for a happy life in the adult world.

But there are health problems, because the constant workload creates a syndrome of chronic fatigue. There is no time to rest: various circles, sports clubs, tutors, constant reproaches from parents lead to stress, which the child does not even realize, because he is trying to please adults.

With age, the need to be the best and do everything perfectly does not go anywhere. So the adult continues to walk through life with the installation: "Either the first one, or you are zero!"

Constantly experiencing difficulties in communicating with ordinary people, they cannot find friends or keep them. Personal life does not add up, because an ideal partner is also needed, meeting the highest requirements.

Life is like an exam

A girl who grew up with excellent pupil syndrome will strive to become:

All further life will be built on the basis of the installation received in childhood. Becoming a boss will be ruthless and very demanding. Working 24 hours a day and seven days a week, will also require others.

Having married, there will be pay attention to the family based on excessive demands on themselves and family members... Performing all duties automatically, he will not be happy and will not be able to give happiness to his partner.

If a child was not explained in childhood that he is loved, just because he is, then when he grows up, he will have low self-esteem.

Very often, spending their lives in the race for first place, people suffering from excellent student syndrome remain lonely.

The inability to relax and rest in time leads to nervous breakdowns and other diseases of the nervous system. What a happy life here.

How to get rid of excellent student syndrome

To get rid of the excellent student's syndrome, an adult must not be afraid to violate stereotypes of behavior, to live with pleasure, contrary to old habits and fears:

• Stop being afraid of mistakes and let others notice them;
• Learn to delegate their affairs, are not afraid to ask for help;
• Experiment with the style of clothing, stop constantly wearing business suits;
• Do what is interesting, not what you need;
• Seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist, a specialist will help you understand mistakes and make life easier and happier.

Sometimes, only with the appearance of her own child, a woman with an excellent student's syndrome begins to understand that she loves him just like that and will not stop loving him under any circumstances. Perhaps right now, the correct vision of the situation will pass and the help of a specialist will not be required.

Although the opposite situation is also possible, when a child raised by a mother with an excellent pupil's syndrome will adopt her life psychology.

How to behave with a child so as not to raise him with excellent student syndrome

• Pay attention to the baby hug not for good behavior, but just like that;
• Listen what the child wants to tell, calm him down, pat him on the head;
• Tell him about your love;
• More often play with himtrying to allocate more free time to communicate with the child.

It is very important to explain to the child that being the first is good, but there is no need to be the first always and in everything. Better to do what you really enjoy.

How to recognize an excellent student's syndrome in a man?

Strong, knows what he wants, always achieves the set goal - this is good and there is nothing to worry about, but it only seems so at first glance. And suddenly something went wrong, it didn't work out, the reaction can be unpredictable. Irritation, anger, feeling that the ground is slipping from under your feet. This happens because a person always acts as it should, paying attention to what colleagues, neighbors and just strangers will say, completely forgetting what he really wants.

If a man wants to be the first all the time, he becomes vulnerable to various unforeseen situations, which can lead to misunderstanding in personal relationships as well. Such a professional attitude can lead to burnout syndrome.

How to deal with this?

Try to understand how many amazing and wonderful moments are passing by. What are you missing in life, wasting time, loved ones?

It is worth learning to determine the main thing without being distracted by trifles. The fear of doing something wrong, of failing must be replaced by action and not afraid of the result, whatever it may be. After all, even a bad experience is an experience to learn from.

A person suffering from an excellent student's syndrome must stop comparing himself with other people, it is necessary to realize his value and the value of those around him. It is also necessary to learn to rejoice at the achievements not only of your own, but also of others, not to judge yourself strictly for mistakes.

Do not deny your emotions, good or bad, realize and love your life for what it is. It is worth coming to terms with the fact that the world is not ideal, there are no perfect love stories, except in the movies. Ideal life, wife, children, relatives - a myth imposed by glossy magazines and low self-esteem.

You should not turn the life of your loved ones into an endless series of demands, reproaches and grievances. It is necessary to start living life to the fullest, feeling all the colors, enjoying the rest spent in the circle of not quite an "ideal" family, but for which it is sometimes worth being the first and best.

In life, everything is not easy anyway, you should not complicate it either for yourself or for those around you, remember this the next time you set a goal for yourself, trying to do everything perfectly.

How did you feel when you got an A at school? If you were so hurt, sad and offended that the assessment brought you to tears, it is highly likely that during your school years you received not only a lot of knowledge that was not very useful in real life, but also the "excellent student's syndrome", which interferes much more than knowing that the diagonals of the rhombus intersect at right angles.

Where does Achievement Syndrome come from?

Most often, it is raised in a child by the parents themselves, making excessive demands. “Why do you have a four in math? There should be a five! ”,“ The only possible mark is five ”- all such phrases are broadcast by the student as“ I'm good only if I get an excellent mark ”. And although most adults are well aware that grades often have little to do with real knowledge, they continue to insist that only the highest grade be in the diary - otherwise, they say, they will completely relax.

Sometimes an A and successful schooling is the only way for a child to be noticed and recognized in the family. For him, good grades become a way to get a piece of attention from the dearest people, because no one notices him without excellent marks in his diary.

Does this mean that all excellent students develop this syndrome in one way or another?
Not at all. Children who are confident in themselves and not dependent on the opinions of others may well know the subject “perfectly well”. But healthy excellent students differ from the owners of the “excellent student's syndrome” by the fact that they will not sob over a diary with a C and beg the teacher not to put a grade in the magazine and schedule a retake.

Why is this syndrome harmful?

An excellent student's syndrome in children leads to negative experiences, neurotic disorders, insomnia, physical and mental exhaustion, but the biggest problem is that the pattern of behavior “be the best - only then you will be loved / praised / appreciated / respected” ...

In adulthood, an excellent student's syndrome often transforms into low self-esteem, painful perfectionism and provokes depression. A person who grew up with the conviction that he is recognized, loved and appreciated only when he does something better than anyone else experiences failure, criticism and even simply the lack of praise from significant figures in the environment.

So, a housewife with an excellent pupil syndrome will feel like a worthless wife, if her husband does not praise her every culinary masterpiece, an office worker will be sure that he is doing his job badly, if the chief does not constantly cheer him up, encourage him, that is, put virtual “fives” ". At the same time, the objective reality, that is, how well these people are doing their job, is completely not perceived by them. No praise means no success. They do not know how to praise themselves.

The paradox is that such people are usually very successful in their business, because they do not give themselves up and demand from themselves to the fullest, and those around them quickly get used to it. The first time the boss will praise the employee who stayed in the office for an hour and exceeded the norm by one and a half times, the second, too, but after a month he will begin to take it for granted and may even be unhappy if the employee leaves on time. And since the need to get his “virtual top five” does not disappear anywhere, such an employee can bring himself to a nervous breakdown - after all, in order for the boss to continue to praise, you need to work even better, longer and more successfully! At the same time, people with excellent student syndrome are often afraid to make a mistake and prefer not to take risks at all, just so as not to get a "minus" to their "five".

Often people with excellent student's syndrome project their perfectionism onto their environment - not only children, but also parents, husbands, and colleagues fall under the "distribution". And woe to those employees whose boss was instructed in childhood to “return home with only A's” - because he will be sincerely convinced that the work can either not be done at all, or done perfectly. What other illness, childbirth, vacation? Well, I sat down at my computer and wrote a report, so what if it's three in the morning, I don't know anything!

Since the mood and mental state of an "excellent student" almost completely depends on the assessment given to him by the environment, he resembles a computer without a battery - as long as there is electricity, everything works, but only a failure occurs - the computer immediately turns off.

Even if the "excellent student" is lucky and he finds himself a mate who will constantly praise him and get a job where everyone appreciates him and cannot live without him, at some point the chain will still collapse when someone forgets say what a great fellow Vasya is.

What if your child already has this complex?

More often than not, take an interest not in grades, but in the learning process itself - what you did in biology, what book was discussed in the literature, how the excursion to the museum went and why the English teacher gave such a big task. Show sincere interest, listen if the child wants to tell you something, praise if you feel proud of the achievements of your son or daughter, but better - not for grades, but for striving, for an attempt, even if it was unsuccessful. Teach your child that in life you need more than victories, because failures are a great way to find out your weaknesses and understand what else you can work on.

If the child himself seeks to demonstrate his success - “look, mom, I have two A's today” - try to avoid praise for a high score anyway. "You are so diligent, I saw you studying a poem for three hours yesterday, it's great that the literature teacher appreciated it too!" - praise the child himself, his hard work, diligence and diligence, and not the number in the diary.

Your task is to make your child understand that grades are not the main thing in life.

"But what about entering the institute?" - the parents immediately object. - "He will grab two now, and then take it out for me, push him to a paid university!" It is a common myth that it is worth weakening the control and the child will go haywire, skip school, not do homework, write off on tests and go down “below the plinth” is a common myth. In fact, if a student feels that his parents trust him and do not seek to take responsibility for completing his homework, he takes it upon himself. Perhaps his "natural" level of aspirations will not be enough for a diary full of fives, but he will grow into a harmonious, self-confident and self-confident person. These are the ones who usually achieve success in life.

Look around - are all of those who hold important posts, receive a good salary, achieve success in their careers and personal life - gold medalists and holders of honors degrees? As practice shows, in real life, it is the C-grade students who do not live for the sake of getting approval from somewhere outside, but are perfectly able to encourage and motivate themselves.

And, by the way, the lack of control does not at all mean an abundance of triplets in the diary.

What to do with your Achievement Syndrome?

The problem is that excellent student syndrome, if I may say so, is a hereditary "disease." Grandma demanded excellent grades from your dad, he put you in the corner for any "non-five" and now you are furious at the sight of a two (or, worse, even a four) in your child's diary. And no matter how much you convince yourself that grades are not the main thing in life, when your fifth grader comes home again, with downcast eyes, he says that he received a four for dictation in Russian, you simply cannot cope with your emotions. And it can be very difficult to overcome this pattern of behavior without outside interference.

At such moments, the criticizing parent "comes to life" in you - the one that was copied from your own mom and dad. And you start screaming, accusing your son or daughter of carelessness and even, at times, stupidity. But remember that there is another part of the inner parent - caring. Which, instead of the phrase "I knew that you were an ignoramus," may ask: "Was the dictation difficult, probably?" At the same time, a caring parent does not sneer, he sincerely empathizes with a loved one, who himself is just so upset that he almost cries. He knows that assessment does not always show real knowledge, and that not all people are given the same skills in the same way.

The good news is that you can nurture a caring parent within yourself. The next time you want to criticize someone, shame or explain what should have been done and how, stop and imagine for a second, what would a caring parent who always strives to help and support do? And try, if only for the sake of variety, to behave that way.

By the way, this works in the same way for those with excellent student syndrome who do not have children yet. Start by turning on the caring parent for yourself more often. Ask yourself, “How do I feel? What do I want now? Is it so important to have a spring cleaning at three in the morning, when you have to get up for work at six? "

The only way to defeat perfectionism, which often "hatches" from the excellent student's syndrome, is only by training. Do something not perfect, you will see - no one will love you less because of this.

How to prevent the emergence of excellent student syndrome?

Love your child (as well as your loved ones and yourself) not for something, but just like that. Say more often “I am so glad that I have you”, hug and smile.

Thomas Edison, the inventor of the incandescent lamp, had only four years of education, and in his old age liked to repeat: "Do you really think that I would be able to invent something if I went to school?" Albert Einstein barely graduated from the higher technical school in Zurich. And Bill Gates was expelled from Harvard for academic failure and absenteeism, because the legal profession attracted him much less than chips and technology. Think about what the modern world would be like if all these people had an "excellent student's syndrome"?

Photo - photobank Lori

Raising a child is a very important and responsible business. Parents influence how their child will be, what traits will be most developed in him. The future of the child, his attitude to life and aspirations depend on the parents. Therefore, parents need to have knowledge in the field of psychology and pedagogy, because the fate of their future family depends on this.

Excellent student syndrome or perfectionism

For all parents, the child is a pride. They want him to be the best and succeed in everything, including in his studies. And in order to achieve what they want, parents make strict requirements and want to see only excellent marks in their children's diaries. But in this case, the parents and their children may face danger in the form of an excellent student's syndrome.

Psychology defines an excellent student's syndrome or perfectionism as a mental state in which a person initially sets himself the highest goals and in any way strives to achieve them,while striving to complete the assigned task extremely ideally, often forgetting about other life's things - for example, entertainment, recreation, food and communication.

Portrait of a child with excellent student syndrome

A child with the following symptoms has an excellent student's syndrome:

• Self-esteem is unstable.Praise evokes excessive confidence, while criticism can cause self-doubt when committing a crime to the next case.
• The desire to get an excellent mark in all ways available to him.The manifestation of deception and lies is possible. A child is able to slander a classmate who answered better, to hide bad grades from parents.
• A zealous attitude towards the success of other children. The child rejoices in other people's failures. So it seems to him that he is getting closer to success.
• Emotionally unbalanced.For example, if parents or teachers do not praise, hysteria begins to the point of tears. The child gets the feeling that no one wants to appreciate his success.
• Inability to overcome simple obstacles on your way.The student is able to stop the task right in the middle of the lesson only because he made a mistake and it seems to him that everything is now gone.
• The child is unable to accept criticism and remarks.
• A child for good academic performancemay constantly sacrifice fun and socializing with friends.
• Academic failure can cause apathy. The child can withdraw inward and plunge into a state close to depressive.

The dominant motive in educational activities for the child is the achievement of the highest mark, and in any way, as well as approval and praise from others.

As a child grows up, the excellent student's syndrome develops into perfectionism. Perfectionism is a psychological personality trait with a complex structure.

The main symptoms of perfectionism are:

• The level of claims is above the norm. Super high demands on yourself;
• Highest standards when performing activities with a focus on the "most successful";
• All people are perceived as demanding and critical;
• The person constantly compares himself to his environment;
• Evaluates and plans his actions on the basis of "either all or nothing";
• Attention is fixed on incompletely successful actions.

Striving to do the job perfectly, polishing every detail. Perfectionists continually criticize the level of performance of the task, are very susceptible to other people's words, and are practically unable to enjoy the results of their work due to the belief that it is not done at a very excellent level.

In reality, the constant striving for the ideal often turns into loneliness, lack of normal rest and entertainment, as well as mental illness due to frequent nervous tension.

The reasons

There is both congenital and acquired excellent student's syndrome. But it is formed and becomes apparent just in childhood, most often when the child enters school.

A child's excellent student syndrome can develop for several reasons:

• Low self-esteem. Children think that for some reason they are not complete and do everything to level it with a good study.
• An innate need for praise and recognition. Often this is a natural character trait that needs to be identified in a timely manner and try to smooth it out.
• The need to get the attention of parents.
• Fear of punishment. Such children tend to be timid and very disciplined, they do not want to upset their parents or teachers.

How to get rid of excellent student syndrome?

The best treatment for excellent student syndrome is the unconditional love of their children by their parents. Love just like that, because he, a child - because he just is. Such treatment must be permanent.

In children, the excellent student's syndrome most likely appears from lack of attention and love. With excellent grades, the child unconsciously tries to earn additional praise from his parents.

When you see a student's unhealthy reaction to their grades, try to show your love openly:

• after all, you need to hug your child more often, for no reason;
• smile at him and look into his eyes when he excitedly shares something with you;
• speak words of love and understanding to your child;
• calmly say that you love him only because you have him;
• spend more time together, do not fence off by referring to work if he needs your help and advice.

If you notice that your child devotes a lot of time to lessons, invite him to go for a walk, invite friends to visit or visit them.

You should try to replace thoughts about studying with things that are more interesting to him:

• enroll it in sports or creative sections;
• take walks with the whole family;
• spend more time with him playing board games.

How to beat the excellent student syndrome, see the next video.

What situations a perfectionist may face in the future and how it starts with an excellent student's syndrome, see the next video of psychologist Veronica Stepanova.