Alan Pease is an Australian writer, born in 1952 in Melbourne. All over the world Alan is known as " Mister body language "(Mr. Body Language). He received this nickname thanks to the book “Body Language”, which has been translated into more than 40 languages ​​and republished from the late 1980s to the present day.

Alan had the makings of a businessman since childhood. At the age of 10, he was selling various cleaning products to earn money to build a summer scout camp. As Pease admitted, the first impetus to success was the motto of his Scoutmaster: “ Success is a game, and the more often you play, the more often you will win " Then Alan began to strictly follow his new rule - “ meet as many people as possible" While his classmates tried to convince customers to buy something, Alan, noticing the lack of interest among his customers, said goodbye and moved on to the next ones. Based on one simple rule, he managed to earn much more than his colleagues and won a direct sales competition among teenagers.

In 1970, Alan worked for a company that sold bed linens and kitchen accessories. Among her employees, he was the best sales agent. A couple of years later, Pease moves to an insurance company and earns his first million dollars there. At that time he was 21 years old. Pease had a talent as an orator and skillfully composed texts for speeches. Alan shared his experience with his colleagues by conducting seminars and trainings. The success of his students contributed to the fact that over the next three decades, Pease organized his own seminars in various cities and countries.

Alan met Barbara, his future wife, in early 1990. Three years later they got married. She inspired and supported her husband and co-authored several books. Alan and Barbara Pease created their own publishing company, Pease.

There were also unpleasant situations in the careers of Alan and Barbara Pease. In 1994, a close family friend, through financial fraud, stole almost all of the couple's savings. And in 2000, Alan had serious health problems; doctors even diagnosed him with cancer. But an examination 4 years later showed that Alan was completely healthy.

To date, Pease is the author of 15 best-selling books, 9 of which have been recognized as #1 Best Sellers. As of 2011, about 30 million books have been sold in more than a hundred countries. Among Alan's students were: Prime Ministers and politicians, rock stars and TV presenters, directors and executives of large, world-famous corporations. Alan's work has been the basis for six science programs on the BBC. Pease is a Fellow of the Australian Institute of Management and the Royal Fellowship of the Humanities. He is wildly popular all over the world and has conducted seminars in 55 countries. He was invited to many different TV shows (in Russia he was on the program “Let Them Talk”).

Works:

Books written by Alan Pease:

• The art of communication in network marketing
• Language of conversation
• Writing language
• Language of relationships
• Questions are answers
• A book of rude and politically incorrect jokes

The book will teach you to separate phrases of simple politeness from grains of truth and decipher non-verbal signals. You will be able to assess the sincerity of your partner’s intentions and correctly interpret his thoughts, and the ability to give compliments and listen carefully will allow you to achieve success not only in your personal life, but will also raise you to the top of your professional career and make you a “master of conversation.”

Answers in questions

The most important way to manipulate the attention of your interlocutor, writes Alan Pease, author of the book “Answers in Questions,” is to ask the right questions.

How to use questions to get the answer you need from your interlocutor, how to hear “Yes”, how to learn to read body signs...? You will learn these and other techniques by reading this book.

Speak exactly... How to combine the joy of communication and the benefits of persuasion

The book will teach you to separate phrases of formal politeness from the grains of truth and decipher non-verbal signals given by the interlocutor.

You will be able to appreciate your partner’s sincerity and correctly interpret his thoughts, and the ability to give compliments and listen carefully will allow you to achieve success not only in your personal life, but will also lift you to the top of your professional career and make you a “master of conversation.”

The art of selling. The most effective techniques and techniques

Allan Pease, a leading communications expert and world-renowned psychologist, brings you the most effective sales techniques and network marketing techniques that will help you make millions. Spend two hours reading, do a little practice, and your business will rise to heights you never dreamed of!

You'll also learn how to read a person's mind through their gestures and use your own nonverbal cues to achieve success in negotiations, how to make a good impression, pass a job interview, and make an effective presentation.

New Body Language: Extended Version

The book “Body Language” will help you consciously record, determine and understand the internal state of your interlocutor, his mood, attitude towards what is happening and towards you based on his gestures.

Considering the fact that the male half of humanity masters the art of unconsciously perceiving this kind of signals to a lesser extent, you have an excellent opportunity to master this art on a conscious level.

Why men want sex and women want love

It's no secret that in the same situations, men and women most often behave completely differently. When it comes to intimate life, differences in behavior and attitude towards the same things can reach simply cosmic proportions, which does not at all contribute to strengthening mutual understanding and, moreover, really interferes with enjoying the natural joys of life!

The authors of the famous “Body Language” offer their assistance in solving the most pressing communication problems that arise between loved ones. And along the way they answer the questions: why do men and women perceive love differently? What do men really want? What turns them on the most? What masculine qualities are valued by women? Why do we sometimes have casual sex? How to find the ideal partner?

Language of relationships (Male and female)

Allan and Barbara Pease spent 7 years collecting the results of scientists' research in the field of human evolution to show how to apply the accumulated knowledge to the practical aspects of relationships between men and women.

On the threshold of the third millennium, we are still as ignorant of gender relations as we were at the beginning of time, and so we continue to gain nuggets of knowledge from the battlefields of family battles. Licking wounds is a long process and not always successful. Allan and Barbara Pease will help you fill gaps in this area of ​​knowledge. They will teach you how to retreat from the battlefield, and sometimes even avoid the fight itself. And those physiological and psychological differences that make us so different and unique will never again be obstacles to conflict-free communication. Practical tips that are easy to follow will help you not only establish warm and trusting relationships in your family, but will also make your life more harmonious and happier.

Introduction

On a sunny morning, Bob, Sue and their three daughters went for a Sunday walk in the car. Bob sat behind the wheel and Sue sat next to him, turning around every minute to join in the cheerful chatter of her daughters. They all talked at the same time, and about completely different things, and Bob drove the car amid an incessant din, devoid of any meaning to him. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore:

– Would you please shut up! - Bob barked.

The cabin suddenly became silent.

- Why? – Sue asked after a pause.

– Because I’m driving the car! – he said irritably.

The women looked at each other in bewilderment. “Driving a car?” – muttered one of them.

They couldn't figure out how their conversation related to driving, and Bob couldn't figure out why the women were talking all at once, sometimes about completely different things, and none of them seemed to be listening to the others.

Why don't they be silent for a while, giving him a chance to concentrate? Because of this bazaar, he had already missed the last turn on the highway.

The point is simple: men and women are different from each other. They are no worse, no better than each other - they are different. Scientists, anthropologists and sociobiologists have known this for a long time, but they also know that as soon as they openly proclaim such a thesis in a “politically moderate world”, they will immediately become outcasts. In modern society, there is a belief that the potential capabilities of men and women are the same, they are equally talented and can master any professional skill. And this conviction matured just at the moment when science - what an irony! – has collected enough evidence that men and women are sharply different from each other.

What does this situation threaten us with? Our society, as it turns out, rests on a rather shaky foundation. Only by recognizing our differences can we strengthen our collective strength to counterbalance our individual weaknesses. In this book we have attempted to take advantage of the great recent advances in the science of human evolution to show how to apply this knowledge to the practical aspects of relationships between men and women. The conclusions we have reached may seem controversial. In some cases they can be called alarming. At the same time, they allow us to gain a deeper understanding of the essence and explain the oddities that arise in the relationship between a man and a woman. It would be nice if Bob and Sue read this book before they set off.

Why was this book so difficult to write?

It took three years and a journey of 400,000 kilometers to create this book. Basis of research: documents, interviews and workshops conducted in Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Thailand, Hong Kong, Malaysia, England, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Germany, Holland, Spain, Turkey, USA, South Africa, Botswana, Zimbabwe , Zambia, Namibia and Angola.

The most difficult thing was to get public and private organizations to express their opinions on the available facts. For example, less than one percent of women work as commercial airline pilots. Regarding this fact, many declared “No comment”, demanding, sometimes with threats, not to mention the name of their organization in this book. The female administrators were generally somewhat nicer, but immediately went on the defensive, believing that our research was anti-feminist, even though they had no idea what it was about. The opinion of some authoritative people, from corporate executives to university professors, was obtained only anonymously - a dimly lit room, closed doors - after numerous assurances: of course, a full guarantee, their names, the names of the relevant organizations will not be mentioned. Many had two opinions: “politically restrained” and their own with the warning “do not quote.”

You will see that while reading a book, sometimes you will want to argue with the authors, and sometimes you will come across amazing facts, but in any case they will interest you. Although the book is based on scientific research, it contains a wide range of material from ordinary everyday life, the opinions of ordinary people and episodes that range from the simply amusing to the purely humorous - it will be a fun read. The goal we set in creating this book is to help you, our reader, learn more about both yourself and people of the opposite sex, so that your relationships become more joyful, fulfilling and bring more satisfaction.

This book is dedicated to all the men and women who have had the experience of tearing their hair out at two in the morning, crying out to their partner, “Why don’t you understand me?” Mutual understanding disappears because men will not understand why a woman does not behave like a man, and a woman expects behavior from her partner that copies her own. This book will help you not only improve relationships with the opposite sex, but also understand yourself more deeply. As a result, you will come to a happier, healthier and more harmonious life.

Barbara and Allan Pease

Chapter 1. Same species, but different worlds

Men and women are different from each other. They are no worse, no better than each other - they are different. Almost the only thing they have in common is that they are individuals of the same species. They live in different worlds, different values ​​are a priority for them, and they act following different life rules. Everyone knows this, but very few, especially men, take the trouble to realize it. But that's the truth. Look at the evidence for yourself. About 50% of marriages in Western countries end in divorce, and it is very common for serious relationships to end prematurely. Men and women of every race, raised in every culture and environment, constantly challenge the opinions, behavior, attitudes and beliefs of their partners.

Something obvious

When a man goes to the toilet, he usually does it for one single purpose. Women use the dressing room as a kind of surrogate for the living room and boudoir. A woman who enters a dressing room may emerge with her best friend for life, even though she has never met her before. Anyone hearing a man say, “Hey, Frank, I'm going to the bathroom, would you mind joining me?” would immediately suspect something was wrong.

Men usually grab the TV remote control and jump from channel to channel during pauses; women prefer to wait patiently for advertising.

To relieve stress, men resort to either drinking alcohol or attacking neighbors; women eat chocolate and go shopping.

Women criticize men for being insensitive, inconsiderate, not listening, not being warm, not loving enough, preferring sex to love in bed, and leaving the toilet lid up.

Men criticize women for being bad drivers, not knowing how to read a road map and trying to read it upside down, for lacking a sense of direction, for being talkative and unable to separate the important from the unimportant in a story, for rarely asking for sex. , and for the constantly lowered toilet lid. The man can never find his belongings, but he always puts computer disks in alphabetical order. A woman will always find her lost car keys, but she will rarely find the shortest route to her destination. Men think that they belong to the sex that has greater common sense. Women know that they are the most sensible ones.

How long does it take a man to change a roll of toilet paper?

Unknown because he never did it.

Men admire how a woman who has just entered a room can immediately describe each of those present in it; women simply cannot believe that a man can be as unobservant as he “pretends to be.” Men are amazed how a woman can not notice the red warning light flashing on the car dashboard, but instantly notices a dirty sock lying in a dark corner 50 meters away from her. Women are shocked by the fact that a man who is able to drive a car into a narrow gap, looking in the rearview mirror, cannot find a door with an “M” sign in a spacious hall.

If a woman is lost, she will stop the car and ask for directions. From a man's point of view, this is a manifestation of unforgivable weakness. He will spend hours circling the city, muttering to himself: “I’ll find a new route there,” or “Looks like it’s around here somewhere,” or “Yeah, I’ve already seen that gas station.”

Different occupations - different evolution

The evolution of men and women proceeded differently because the circumstances were different. The man hunted, the woman gathered. The man defended. The woman was babysitting. As a result, the evolution of both the body and the mind took different paths. As the body evolved to perform tasks more efficiently, the mind also changed. Men became predominantly taller and stronger than women as their brains developed in accordance with their assigned functions. Over millions of years, the brain structure of men and women has changed under different demands. We now know that information processing occurs differently in different sexes. They think differently. They believe differently. They have different perceptions, priorities and behavior.

Ignoring this circumstance, you will get a headache, encounter misunderstanding, and your life will only bring you disappointment.

Argument referring to the “stereotype” of upbringing

Since the late eighties, the amount of research into differences between men and women, both in general and in thinking, has grown exponentially. For the first time in history, modern computer equipment has made it possible to observe how the brain works “live.” Looking into it, we received answers to many questions about the nature of the differences between men and women. The research that is the subject of this book is based on a large number of scientific works in the fields of medicine, psychology and sociology, each of which clearly shows that men and women are different creatures. For almost the entire twentieth century, this was explained by various social conditions, namely: we are what we are because of the attitude of our parents and teachers towards us, which, in turn, is a reflection of the attitude of society as a whole towards us. Girls are dressed in pink and given dolls, boys are dressed in blue and given tin soldiers and a soccer ball. Girls are comforted and petted, while boys are spanked and told not to cry. Until recently, it was believed that a child's brain at birth was as pure as a white sheet of paper, and the teacher could write whatever he wanted on it, according to his choice and discretion. Currently available biological evidence, however, paints a completely different picture of why we think the way we do.

These findings provide compelling evidence that our hormones and brain cell organization are directly responsible for our behavior, preferences, and attitudes toward the world around us. This means that when raising children on a desert island, in isolation from organized society and from parents who would guide their actions, girls will still nurse, dress and raise dolls, and boys will compete with each other physically and intellectually and form groups with clear designated hierarchy.

The organization of the activity of our brain cells, which developed in the prenatal state, and the influence of hormones determine the nature of our thinking and behavior.

As you can see, the organization of the activity of our brain cells and the hormones circulating in us are the two main factors that dictate to us how to behave and how to think, long before we were born. Instincts are simply derivatives of our genes, which determine how our body will behave in given circumstances.

Isn't this a man's conspiracy?

Since the sixties, organized pressure groups have been trying to influence us into neglecting our biological characteristics. They believe that governments, religion and the education system are nothing more than a universal conspiracy of men to suppress women, based on the desire to degrade women. And pregnancy is just one way to dominate her.

Indeed, from a broad historical perspective this is what it looks like. But let us ask ourselves: if men and women are the same, as these groups proclaim, then how did men manage to take over this world so completely? Recent research in the field of brain functioning now gives us the answer to many questions in this regard. We are not the same. Men and women should be given equal rights to realize their full potential, but there is no doubt that they have different innate abilities. Whether men and women are equal is a matter of politics and morality, but the question of whether they are equal is a matter of science.

Equality between men and women is a political and moral concept; Science deals with the differences between them.

The actions of those who reject the idea that our biological nature determines our behavior are often driven by the best of intentions, a desire to resist discrimination based on gender. But they, as a rule, confuse two concepts - equality and sameness - which belong to completely different categories. We reviewed research reports from leading paleontologists, ethnologists, psychologists, biologists and brain scientists. To date, the conclusion about the differences in the structure of the brains of men and women has been approved as an indisputable thesis and not allowing for any other interpretation. Considering the differences between men and women discussed in this book, some may say, “No, this is not about me. I don’t do that!” Maybe this particular person does not act that way. But we are looking at average men and women, or more precisely, how men and women act in most cases in typical situations. The term average means that when you walk into a room full of people, you will immediately notice that the men are larger and taller than the women. To be very precise, 7% higher and 8% larger. The largest and tallest individual in the room may be a woman, but in general men are both taller and larger. In the Guinness Book of Records, all the record-breaking largest and record-tall people are men. The tallest man in the world was Robert Peshing - 2 meters 79 centimeters, and the tallest man in 1998 was Alan Channa from Pakistan - 2 meters 31 centimeters. History books are full of definitions of "Big John" and "Little Susie"! I'm not sexist. I'm just giving the facts.

What is the position of the authors

It is possible that reading this book will make some people feel complacent and arrogant, or, on the contrary, it will make them angry. This is due to the fact that we have all, to a greater or lesser extent, become victims of an idyllic philosophy (Not idealistic, but an idyllic philosophy, which proclaims that both man and woman are one and the same. So let's immediately make it clear our position on this issue. We, the authors, have created this book to help you shape and improve your relationships with individuals of both genders. We believe that men and women should have equal opportunities for careers in any field, elected by them that people having the same qualifications should receive equal remuneration for equal work).

Differences do not prevent equality. Equality means freedom of choice, and differences lead to men and women choosing different fields of activity. Our goal is to objectively analyze the relationship between men and women, explain the history of their development, their significance and the difficulties that arise. Our goal is to provide recommendations on strategies and tactics to create a happier, more fulfilling life for everyone. We are not going to feed you a mush of assumptions and politically charged clichés. If something looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and there is sufficient evidence that it is a duck, then we will call that “something” a duck.

The evidence presented irrefutably demonstrates that representatives of both sexes have an internal tendency towards various forms of behavior. But this does not at all mean that a certain type of behavior is obligatory in similar circumstances.

Decisive Argument: Nature vs. Nurture

Melissa gave birth to twins: a boy and a girl. She wrapped Jasmine in a pink blanket and Adam in a blue one. Relatives brought lots of soft fluffy toys for Jasmine, a toy soccer ball and a T-shirt for Adam. Everyone cooed gently, trying to talk to Jasmine, but only the women risked picking her up and cradling her in their arms. When male relatives appeared, Adam received the main attention: they talked much louder, pointed their fingers at his tummy, bothered him and suggested that a great football future awaited him.

The picture is familiar to many. However, the question arises: where are the roots of this style of behavior: in biology or in upbringing, which does not change from generation to generation? Who is responsible: nature or technique? For most of the twentieth century, the prevailing view in society was that our behavior and preferences were related primarily to social and environmental influences. However, we know that education is a secondary product - adoptive mothers, whether they are women or monkeys, do an excellent job of raising children. On the other hand, scientists have disputed this opinion, insisting that chemistry, biology and hormones are mainly responsible for our behavior. Since 1990, there has been indisputable evidence in favor of the scientific view that by the time we are born, basic programs are already loaded into the brain. The fact that men are hunters and women are educators still dictates our style of behavior, priorities and beliefs. Fundamental research conducted at Harvard University shows that we not only behave differently towards a baby - a boy or a girl, but we even use different vocabulary. We say softly to the girl: “You are my sweetie”, “You are so cute”, “What a beautiful baby”, and to the boy in a much louder voice: “Hello, how big you are!” or “Wow, how strong you are!”

At the same time, by giving a Barbie to a girl or a paratrooper as a gift, we are not programming their behavior, we are strengthening what is inherent in them by nature. Accordingly, research by scientists at Harvard University has confirmed that the distinctly different behavior of adults towards boys and girls only emphasizes the differences they already have. Push the duck towards the pond and it will swim. Look into the water and you will see webbed feet. If you were able to look into her brain, you would find a “swimming” subroutine already there. A pond is simply a place where a duck happens to be at a given time, and it is not the presence of the pond that is the cause of its behavior.

Research shows that we are not a victim of social stereotypes, but, first of all, a biologically programmed individual. We behave differently because the activity of our brain cells is organized differently. This forces us to perceive the world differently, set priorities differently and build a different scale of values. We are neither better nor worse than each other, we are different.

Guide to Human Communication Problems

This book can be likened to a guidebook that helps you understand a foreign country or culture. It explains local dialects, phrases, gestures and analyzes the reasons why the natives behave the way they do. In most cases, tourists go abroad without bothering to study local customs first, and quickly get into trouble, since the locals do not speak English and do not eat hamburgers and chips. To fully enjoy a culture that is foreign to you, you must first understand its history and evolution. Then learn basic phraseology and, for the first acquaintance, adapt to someone else’s lifestyle in order to better appreciate the characteristic features of another culture. Having fulfilled these conditions, you will not look and act like a tourist, that is, a person who would get an equal amount of pleasure from getting to know the country without leaving home, just thinking about other lands.

This book gives advice on how to enjoy and derive pleasure from knowledge of the characteristics of the opposite sex. But first you must get an idea of ​​the history and evolution of man and woman.

One day, an American tourist visiting Windsor Castle asked: “The castle, of course, is wonderful, but why was it built so close to the airport?”

In this book you will find facts and realities of life. It is about living people, real events and conversations that actually took place. And you won't have to struggle to learn about dendrites, the corpus callosum, neuropeptides, magnetic resonance imaging, and the role of dopamine in studying brain function. We had a hard time, but we tried to present everything as simply as possible to make it easy to read. We were dealing with a relatively young science called sociobiology, the subject of which is the dependence of behavior on genetic predisposition and the results of evolution.

You will find in the book a large number of concepts, techniques and strategies that are scientifically based and seem at first glance obvious and quite consistent with common sense. We discarded all methods, practical examples and opinions that seemed insufficiently substantiated to us.

The subject of consideration here is the naked ape - an ape that controls the world with the help of megacomputers, capable of landing on Mars, whose ancestry can be traced back to the proto-fish. Millions of years were spent on the development of the biological individual - man, and at the same time we found ourselves in a technological, “politically consistent world”, which either does not want to take into account our biology at all, or takes it into account to a very small extent.

It took us more than a hundred million years to arrive at a society advanced enough to put man on the moon, but man himself, like his primitive ancestors, is forced to go to the toilet even on the moon. People may look quite different, being the product of different cultures, but inside, in terms of biological needs and drives, they are the same. We will show you how different behavioral characteristics are inherited and passed on from generation to generation, and you will see that there are practically no cultural differences in this process.

Now let's take a look at how our brain evolved.

1. A new term by analogy: “racist” is a supporter of discrimination based on race, “sexist” – based on gender. The Russian term “misogynist” does not accurately reflect the essence; it is better to introduce a new term.

2. Not idealistic, but precisely idyllic (approx. transl.) philosophy, proclaiming that both man and woman are one and the same. So let's immediately clarify our position on this issue. We, the authors, have created this book to help you form and improve your relationships with people of both sexes. We believe that men and women should have equal opportunities for careers in whatever field they choose, and that equally qualified people should receive equal pay for equal work.

How we set out on this path

Once upon a time, many, many years ago, men and women lived and worked happily in complete harmony with each other. Every day, a man bravely ventured out into a dangerous, hostile world, risked his life by hunting, brought food to women and children and protected them from ferocious animals and enemies. In order for him to find prey and also return home, he had to have a highly developed sense of direction, a “navigational” sense, and without an accurate eye it was impossible to hit moving prey. The description of his job requires only two words: food provider - and that's all that is required of him.

The woman felt his high value, because he risked his life taking care of his family. His success was measured by his ability to find prey, kill it, and bring it home, and self-esteem was tied to how highly a woman valued his efforts. The family depended only on him, on his function as a breadwinner and protector - and nothing more. There was no need for him to “analyze the relationship,” and no one ever thought that he could take out the trash or change the baby’s diapers.

The role of the woman was equally obvious. Nature assigned her the function of bearing children, and this determined the path of her evolution, the specialization required for the successful implementation of her role. She had to monitor her immediate surroundings in order to promptly recognize signs of impending danger, and develop a short-range “navigational” sense in order to navigate the immediate vicinity of her home. In addition, a necessary condition for a woman is the ability to notice minor changes in the behavior and appearance of children and adults. The division of functions is extremely simple: he is the breadwinner, she is the keeper of the nest.

The woman's entire day was devoted to caring for children, collecting fruits, vegetables and nuts, and in interaction with other women in the group. She did not have to worry about the main source of food or fight enemies, and her success was measured by her ability to maintain the normal functioning of the family in daily life. The degree of her self-esteem depended on how highly a man valued her ability to take care of children and maintain order in the house. Her ability to produce children was considered a magical, even sacred gift, since she alone held the secret of life. No one expected her to go hunting, fight enemies, or change light bulbs in a cave.

Survival was difficult, but relationships were not complicated. And this order of things persisted for hundreds of thousands of years. At the end of each day, the hunters returned with their prey. The spoils were divided equally among everyone, and everyone, together with everyone else, ate their share in the common cave. Each hunter exchanged with the woman: part of his catch for fruits and vegetables.

After eating, the men sat around the hearth, stared into the fire, played games, told stories and exchanged jokes. This was a prehistoric version of television with remote channel switching or a newspaper, which a man used to isolate himself from his surroundings. The men, tired after the hunt, regained their strength so that they could go on it again tomorrow. Women looked after the children and at the same time made sure that the man was well-fed and properly rested. Each valued the work of the other: the man was not considered lazy, and the woman did not reproach him for turning her into a servant.

This organization of life and style of behavior still exists in primitive societies in places such as Borneo, parts of Africa and Indonesia, as well as among the Australian Aborigines, New Zealand Maori, Inuit (Eskimos) in Canada and Greenland. In these cultures, everyone knows and understands their role. Men value women, and women value men. Each sees the unique contribution of the other, ensuring the survival and well-being of the family. But for the men and women who live in civilized countries, the old order has broken down. Instead, chaos, confusion and dissatisfaction reigned.

We didn't expect things to turn out this way

The survival of family members no longer depends solely on the man; A woman is no longer required to constantly maintain order in the house and raise children. For the first time in the history of humanity as a species, most men and women do not know exactly what their role is. You, the reader of this book, are part of the first generation of people to face circumstances that your ancestors never faced. For the first time in history, we are looking to our partners for love, empathy, and personal satisfaction as issues of survival have become less pressing. The modern social structure of society ensures that a basic standard of living is maintained through pension funds, social programs, consumer protection laws, and various government agencies and activities. What are the new rules of life and where can you learn them? With this book we have tried to provide some answers to emerging questions.

Why can't mom and dad help?

If you were born before 1960, then you grew up in a family where the basis of the behavior of parents towards each other was the ancient rules that ensured the survival of men and women. Your parents copied the behavior that they observed from their parents, which in turn was borrowed from their parents, and so on until the cavemen with their clear distribution of life roles.

Now the rules have completely changed and your parents don’t know how to help you. The level of legally registered divorces among newlyweds has now reached 50%, and if we take into account the actual breakup of couples, including homosexual ones, then this figure has exceeded 70%. We need to learn a new set of rules to become happy and emotionally balanced in the twenty-first century.

We are still just one species of the animal kingdom

It is difficult for most people to think of themselves as just another member of the animal kingdom. They refuse to face the fact that 96% of their body contains the same elements as a pig or a horse. The only thing that sets us apart from other animals is our ability to think and plan. Other animals simply react to the situation in accordance with the genetic program embedded in the brain and learned behavioral stereotypes. They can not think, they can only to react.

Most people know and agree that animals are guided by instincts, which largely determine the nature of their behavior. Instinctive behavior is easy to recognize: birds sing, frogs croak, a dog lifts its leg against a fence, a cat plays with a mouse. These are examples of not intellectual, but instinctive behavior, so for most it is difficult to draw a parallel between such behavior and their own. They ignore even direct examples of their own instinctive behavior - for example, crying and sucking instinct.

Whatever behavioral traits we inherit from our parents, positive or negative, we are likely to pass them on to our children. In this respect we are no different from other animals. Once you learn something new, you genetically pass it on to your children in the same way that scientists can raise a generation of clever rats and a generation of stupid rats from a group divided into two subgroups based on the ability to find their way in the fog or the ability to get hopelessly lost. When we humans recognize ourselves as animals whose impulses have been honed by millions of years of evolution, it will be easier for us to understand our basic impulses, easier to come to terms with ourselves and others. And it is in this direction that the path to real happiness lies.

Chapter 2. Finding meaning

The party was in full swing when John and Sue arrived. Sue, looking into John's face, said, trying not to move her lips: “Look at that couple standing by the window...”. John started to turn his head and Sue hissed, “Not now! Don’t stare so openly!” She couldn't understand why John needed to turn around so blatantly, and John couldn't believe that Sue could see other people in the room without looking at them.

In this chapter we will try to understand the differences in sensory perception between men and women and the difficulties that arise as a result in their relationships.

Woman as a radar detector

A woman instantly understands that another woman is worried or offended; For a man to realize this, solid physical evidence is required: a stream of tears, breaking dishes or a slap in the face. Without them, he would never be able to guess what was happening. This is due to the fact that a woman, like most female mammals, is armed with sensory perception with a much finer tuning than that of men. This ability is necessary for a woman - the keeper of children and the hearth - to capture the smallest changes in the mood and relationships of other people. What is known as “female intuition” is actually a heightened ability to notice the smallest details and changes in the appearance and behavior of others. This ability has amazed men who have been around throughout history, and they have invariably been caught using it.

One of the participants in our seminar stated that his wife’s vision becomes incomprehensibly sharp when he needs to hide something, but if he needs to back the car into the garage, then for some reason she becomes nearsighted. Estimating the distance between the car bumper and the garage wall while driving relates to the area of ​​spatial orientation, which is controlled by the frontal part of the right hemisphere of the brain. Spatial orientation in most women is poorly developed. We will discuss this in more detail in chapter five.

From fifty meters my wife can see a blonde hair on my coat, but when driving the car into the garage, she will definitely catch it on the door.

The nest keeper, who ensures the survival of the family, cannot be different. She should notice subtle changes in the behavior of her offspring that may signal pain, hunger, injury, aggression or depression. Men, the breadwinners, never stayed in the cave long enough to learn wordless signaling or alternative methods of interpersonal communication. Neuropsychologist Professor Ruben Gur from the University of Pennsylvania conducted research using brain scans. He found that in a resting man, electrical activity drops by at least 70%. A scan of the woman's brain in the same state of rest showed only a 10 percent drop in activity, which confirms an important fact: the woman continuously receives and analyzes information coming from the environment. A woman knows who is friends with her child, is aware of his hopes, dreams, romances, hidden fears, guesses what he is thinking about, what he is feeling and what tricks he is up to. The man is vaguely aware that in the house, besides him, there are some other small people.

Eyes

The eye is an extension of the brain located on the surface of the head. The back of the eyeball contains about 130 million rod-shaped cells called photoreceptors. Photoreceptors provide black and white images. There are also seven million conical cells that perceive color. The source of conical color cells is the X chromosome. A woman has two X chromosomes, which results in her having more cone cells compared to a man. This difference is reflected in the amount of detail used to describe the color scheme. Men usually talk about the basic elements of the spectrum: red, blue, green. Women tend to use terms such as ivory, sea green, mauve, and apple green.

Human eyes have prominent whites that other primates lack. The presence of proteins allows you to monitor eye movement and gaze direction, which is an essential element in face-to-face communication. There is more white in a woman's eye than a man's, since close, face-to-face communication is an integral part of connections between women, and the larger area of ​​the white of the eye expands the capabilities of both sending and receiving a signal. With a larger area of ​​protein, it is easier to understand what your gaze is focused on.

This kind of exchange of information through glances is not essential for most other primates, and therefore in them the protein is either hidden or a very small area of ​​it is visible. They use involuntary gestures and facial expressions as the main means of communication.

Does she have eyes in the back of her head?

Maybe not in the literal sense, but there is something close to it. Women not only have more conical cells in the eye shell, but also wider peripheral vision compared to men. As a nest keeper, she has a program embedded in her brain that allows her to clearly see a sector of at least 45 degrees on each side of her head, that is, right and left, as well as up and down. Many women's effective peripheral vision reaches a full 180 degrees. A man's eyes are larger than a woman's and his brain gives him "tunnel" vision, which means he can see clearly straight ahead, but at a great distance, so his eyes can be likened to binoculars.

A man, as a hunter, needs to catch the target with his eye and not let it out of sight, and at a fairly long distance. His vision evolved to an almost limited vision as nothing had to distract him from his goal. At the same time, the woman had to have a wide field of vision in order to immediately see the snake entering the nest. That is why a modern man can easily find a remote pub located “out there somewhere”, but cannot find an item in a closet, chest of drawers or refrigerator.

In 1997, 4,132 children were killed or injured in the UK while crossing streets, including 2,460 boys and 1,672 girls. In Australia, twice as many boys as girls die on the roads. Boys are more likely to take risks when crossing than girls, which, combined with their narrower field of peripheral vision, leads to increased injury among them.

Why do women's eyes see so much?

Billions of photons of light, transmitting information equal to 100 megabytes of computer memory, fall every second onto the shell of the human eye. The brain is unable to process such a large amount of data, and therefore it edits the information, selecting only what is needed for survival. For example, having received information about all the colors of the sky, our brain selects only one color that we need to see - blue. The brain narrows our field of view so that we can focus on a specific task. If we are looking for a needle on a carpet, our field of vision narrows sharply. A man's brain, programmed to hunt, provides a narrow field of vision. The female brain deciphers information from a wider sector towards the periphery, since she had to monitor the nest.

Questionable case of missing oil

David: Where's the butter?
Yana: In the refrigerator.
David: I'm looking in the refrigerator now, but there's no oil in there.
Yana: It’s there - I put it there ten minutes ago.
David: No, you must have put it somewhere else. There is no oil in the refrigerator. It is clear.

After these words, Yana enters the kitchen, puts her hand into the refrigerator and, like a magician, a stick of butter appears in her hand. An inexperienced man sometimes feels as if a joke is being made on him, and he accuses the woman of always hiding things from him in closets and chests of drawers. Socks, shoes, underwear, jam, butter, car keys, wallets - they are all lying there, the man simply cannot see them. Having a large viewing sector, a woman can look at most of the space in the refrigerator without moving her head. The man moves his eyes left and right and up and down, as if scanning the space in search of a “disappeared” object.

The biological characteristics of men's and women's vision lead to important consequences in our lives. Statistics from insurance companies show, for example, that female drivers are less likely than male drivers to be involved in side-impact accidents at road junctions. Clearer peripheral vision allows her to notice a car approaching from the side in time. It is much more likely that she will hit an obstacle with her car when parallel parking, since she has a poorly developed sense of space.

A woman will spend much less stress if she understands a man’s problems associated with his visual characteristics. And a man will have less reason to be nervous if, after a woman says, “This thing is in the closet!” he will believe her and continue his search.

A man and a lustful look

It is because of their better peripheral vision that women are rarely caught looking at a man.

Almost every man has been accused of gazing "lustfully" at someone of the opposite sex at one time or another, but women are almost never accused of this. Gender scientists unanimously agree that women stare at men just as often as men stare at women, or even more often, but are rarely caught doing so due to their excellent peripheral vision.

Seeing is believing

Most people don't believe something until they see the proof with their own eyes - but can you trust your eyes? Millions believe in UFOs, despite the fact that 90% of UFO sightings occur in remote rural areas on a Saturday evening around eleven o'clock just after most pubs close. There has never been a UFO sighting by a President or Prime Minister, never a UFO has landed near a university, government research laboratory or near the White House. Never in bad weather.

Wanting to demonstrate how our perception of different things in the same picture can be, scientist Edward Boring gives the following example. Women are likely to see an old woman with her chin tucked into the fur collar of her coat, while men are likely to see the profile of a young woman looking to the left.

What do you see?

Rice. Above is another illustration showing that what you perceive is not necessarily what you see.

When you look at this picture, your brain is tricked into thinking that the far side of the table is longer than the near side. A woman is usually amazed when she is told about this, and a man demands proof and grabs a ruler.

​When looking at another drawing, your brain focuses on dark fields that look like strange geometric shapes. If you approach the drawing differently and concentrate your attention on the white fields, then the word FLY (fly) will appear in front of you. A woman is more likely to recognize a word than a man because his brain is fascinated by geometric shapes.

Why men drive better at night

Although women can see better than men in the dark, particularly in the red end of the spectrum, men's eyes are better suited to tracking a distant object in a narrow field. This gives him much better - and therefore safer driving - long-range night vision. In combination with the spatial eye, which is responsible for the right hemisphere of the brain, such vision allows a man to identify and identify the movement of other cars on the road, both in front and behind. Many women experience some form of night blindness: the inability to discern which side of the road oncoming traffic is moving on. A man's vision is perfectly adapted to solve such a problem. Practical conclusion: When alternating behind the wheel on a long trip, give the woman a day and the man a night. Women see more small details at night than men, but in a close, wide field.

On a long journey, men should drive at night, and women during the day.

Men experience much more eye fatigue than women because their vision is designed for distance viewing and must constantly refocus on a computer screen or newspaper text. A woman's eyes are better suited for close-up vision, which allows her to work on fine details for much longer. In addition, her brain programming provides much better coordinated motor skills in a limited, close area, which means a woman is superior when it comes to threading a needle or identifying small details on a computer screen.

Why women have a "sixth sense"

For several centuries, women were burned at the stake for “supernatural abilities.” These included the ability to predict the outcome of relationships, identify a liar, talk to animals and guess what really happened.

In 1978, we conducted an experiment for a television program to illustrate a woman's ability to recognize information conveyed only by a child's facial expressions. In a maternity hospital, we played several ten-second clips of crying babies and asked mothers to watch them with the sound off. Consequently, mothers received information only visually.

In most cases, mothers were able to quickly identify a wide range of emotions displayed on the screen: from hunger and pain to discomfort and fatigue. When the same test was administered to fathers, the results were dismal—less than 10% of fathers were able to name more than two emotions. And even in these cases, it seems to us, they were mostly blind guesses. Many fathers joyfully reported: “The child wants to go to his mother.” Most men had little or no ability to decipher observed differences in a baby's cry. The tests were also given to the older generation to see if age had an effect on the results. Most grandmothers achieved a level of 50-70% compared to mothers, while many grandfathers could not even identify their own grandchildren!

Our study of identical twins showed that most grandparents were unable to tell one twin from the other, but the female side of the family tended to cope with this task. Movies about twins fooling others in pursuit of money or love can only reflect reality if the twins are women: men are easier to deceive in such circumstances. In a room with fifty couples, ten minutes is enough for a woman to analyze the relationship in each couple. When a woman enters a room, her psychic abilities allow her to instantly determine which couples are in complete harmony with each other, who is in a quarrel, who wants to get closer to whom, and where the female rivals or women who are friendly to her are located. When a man enters the room, our cameras show something completely different. The man scans the room, registering entrances and exits: his atavistic mind assesses possible threats and escape routes. It then looks for familiar faces and those of potential enemies, and then scans the general geography of the place. His logical mind registers what needs to be corrected or repaired, for example, a broken glass or a burnt out light bulb. Meanwhile, the woman has already gone through all the faces and knows who, what and how - who is who, what is what and how everyone present feels.

Why men can't lie to women

Our research on body language - involuntary facial expressions and gestures - during face-to-face communication showed that the perception of the message is due to wordless signals by 60-80%, due to tonality - by 20-30%. The remaining 7–10% of information is perceived from the words themselves. A woman’s excellent receptivity gives her the ability to pick up and analyze information, and the brain’s ability to quickly exchange information between the hemispheres allows her to instantly compare and decipher verbal, visual and all other signals.

This is why it is very difficult for men to lie to a woman face to face. But, as most women know, lying to a man while facing him is quite easy because he is not sensitive enough to recognize the discrepancy between the information contained in spoken language and in other signals. As a rule, it is impossible to catch a woman faking an orgasm rather than actually experiencing it. For most men who are about to lie, the best way to do it is over the phone, in a letter, or in a dark room with the blanket pulled over your head.

Our ears

In the prehistoric past, our ears looked the same as the ears of a dog or horse. A dog's ears, which now have the same shape as ours used to have, perceive sound in an ultrasonic region inaccessible to us. Research shows that dogs' ears detect sound that has a frequency of up to 50,000 vibrations per second, and in some cases up to 100,000 vibrations per second. A child hears sound with a frequency of up to 30,000 vibrations per second, but in a teenager (up to twenty years old) the sensitivity decreases to 20,000 vibrations per second, and by the age of sixty - to 12,000 vibrations per second. Cool stereo equipment produces a signal with a frequency of up to 25,000 vibrations per second, which means that for your parents, buying a more advanced music center will be a waste of money - they will not hear a wider range of sounds.

The human ear contains remnants of nine muscles, and about 20% of people can move their ears with their help. Apparently, our ears lost mobility because people turned their heads in the direction of the sound source, and the edges formed a fold to eliminate sound distortion. Charles Darwin found a tubercle in the upper fold of the human ear and suggested that it was the remnant of the tip of our pointed ear. The tubercle is called “Darwin's point”.

She also hears better

Women hear better than men and are excellent at distinguishing sounds in the high frequency range. A woman’s brain is programmed to hear a child’s cry, but a man may not hear it at night and sleep as if nothing had happened. If a kitten starts meowing in the distance, a woman will hear it. However, it is the man with his excellent orientation in space who will tell where he is.

A steady drip from a leaking kitchen faucet can drive a woman crazy, while a man continues to sleep peacefully.

A week after birth, the girl can identify the sound of her mother's voice and distinguish the baby's cry from other sounds in the room. Boys at the same age cannot do this. The female brain has the ability to separate sounds, classify them into different categories and make decisions regarding each of them. As a result, a woman can carry on a conversation face to face without missing a word from the people standing next to her. Accordingly, it becomes clear why a man cannot follow a conversation when the TV is on or against the background of the clatter of dishes in the sink. When the phone rings, the man demands that they turn down the music, turn off the TV, and be quiet while he talks on the phone. The woman is talking, not paying attention to the noise.

A woman can read between the lines

Women are highly sensitive to changes in the tone and volume of the voice, which gives them the ability to immediately notice changes in emotions in children and adults. As a result, for every man who can sing along and hit the right tone, there are eight women who are not mistaken in such cases. The famous female phrase “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone!” in a dispute with men and boys is partly due to this feature of women. Most males have no idea what she means by this.

Tests have shown that female infants are twice as likely to respond to loud noises compared to male infants. This feature explains why girls are more easily soothed than boys by lisping at high frequencies, and why mothers instinctively sing a lullaby to girls while talking or playing with a boy. Women's keen hearing makes a significant contribution to what is called "female intuition." Her hearing is one of the reasons why women guess the hidden meaning of a spoken phrase (read between the lines). However, men should not despair. They perfectly distinguish and identify the sounds made by animals, which in ancient times served them as a good help in hunting. Unfortunately, in the modern world this ability is of little use.

A man can “hear” direction

Women are better at recognizing sounds, but men can identify where they are coming from. Combined with the ability to identify and imitate animal sounds, this skill makes men excellent hunters. How does sound turn into a geographical map in the brain? Professor Konishi from the California Institute of Technology found the answer to some questions in this regard, using experiments with owls - birds that are better than humans at identifying the source of sound. Make a sound and the owl will turn its head to face him. Konishi identified a group of cells in the region of the brain responsible for hearing that determined the exact location of the sound source. The source produced a sound that reached each owl's ear in a different time, differing by 200 millionths of a second. This time shift allows the owl's brain to form a three-dimensional spatial map of the source of the sound. The owl turns its head towards the sound, which gives it the opportunity to determine whether it is prey or danger. Apparently, the mechanism of a similar ability in men is of the same nature.

Why don't boys listen

Teachers and parents often scold boys for not listening to what they are told. But as boys grow, especially on the eve of puberty, their auditory canals undergo rapid growth, which may result in a temporary form of deafness. It was found that teachers reprimand girls and boys differently, apparently intuitively guessing the differences in the auditory perception of boys and girls.

If a girl does not want to look into the eyes of the person who is scolding her, the teacher usually continues the lecture. If a boy does not want to look her in the eyes, then many teachers intuitively feel that he either does not hear or does not listen to the words that are spoken to him. In such cases, the teacher interrupts the lecture and says: “Look me in the eyes when I speak.” Unfortunately, boys are better at seeing than listening. To demonstrate this to you, we ask you to test-count the number of “n”s in the highlighted text.

The completion of the case is the result of many years of scientific research.

Boys count letters better than girls and talk about the five “n”s faster. If this statement is read out loud, girls quickly and accurately determine the number of “n” sounds in the text.

Men don't pay attention to details

Lyn and Chris are driving home after a party - he drives, she tells them where to go. They argue because she told him to turn left, meaning he should go right. Nine minutes of silence, and he begins to suspect that something is wrong. “Honey… everything is fine, isn’t it?” - asks Chris. “Yes,” Lin replies, “everything is fine!”

The emphasis on “wonderful” confirms that things are far from great. He remembers what happened at the party. “Maybe I did something wrong?” - asks Chris. "I do not want to talk about it!" – Lin cuts him off.

This means that she is angry and does not want to discuss what happened. Meanwhile, he cannot understand what he did that was reprehensible, which is why she was so angry. “Please tell me: what did I do? - he prays. - I don't know!"

In most cases like this, the man is telling the honest truth: he doesn’t understand what happened. “Okay,” Lin agrees, “I’ll tell you what’s the matter, even though you’re playing a comedy in front of me!” But this is not pretense. He quite sincerely does not understand what we are talking about. She takes a deep breath: “This slut stuck to you all evening, showed that she was ready for anything immediately, and you didn’t turn her off - you encouraged her advances!”

Now Chris is completely perplexed: what slut? what advances? how did you show it? He didn't see anything. Indeed, while this “slut” was talking to him (that’s what women say, a man would say “sexy young woman”), he did not notice that she was standing in a special position, sticking out her lower abdomen and sticking out her leg pointing at him, fiddling with her hair and earlobe, looked at him with a long, languid gaze, gently stroked the stem of the glass and spoke coyly, imitating a schoolgirl. He is a hunter. He can spot an antelope that has just appeared on the horizon and immediately determine how fast it is moving. He does not have the female ability to immediately analyze visual (involuntary facial expressions and gestures) and audio signals that indicate certain intentions. Every woman at the party saw, without even moving her head, what the “slut” was doing. The telepathic signal “female looking for a partner” was received by all the women gathered in the room. Most of the men didn't notice anything.

Therefore, the man’s statement that he did not suspect anything of the kind is most often the pure truth. Men's brains are not designed to see or hear details.

The magic of touch

With touch you can breathe life. Long-standing studies by Harlow and Zimmerman on monkeys showed that little touching of newborn monkeys leads to depression, illness and premature death. Similar results were obtained when examining abandoned children. The results of the examination of children aged ten weeks to six months are very impressive. It was found that mothers who were taught to regularly stroke their children had babies much less likely to get colds and diarrhea, and vomit less often compared to the children of those mothers who did not stroke their children. Another study showed that women who became neurotic or depressed bounced back faster in direct proportion to the number of times they were comforted by hugging and the duration of the hug. Anthropologist James Prescott, the first scientist to draw attention to the link between raising young children and violence, found that societies where children are rarely petted have significantly higher rates of adult violence. Children raised with affection grow into healthier and happier adults. Sexual predators and child molesters usually have a background characterized by loneliness, violence, and lack of affection. It often happens that their childhood was spent in state educational institutions. In many cultures that do not practice direct affection, families usually have cats and dogs who allow themselves to be touched and petted. Animal-assisted therapy is considered an excellent tool for overcoming depression and other neurological problems. See how the British, famous for their aversion to touching, love their pets. As Germaine Greer said of them: “Even when squeezed next to his brother on the tube, the average Englishman desperately pretends that he is alone.”

Women are very sensitive to touch

The skin is the largest organ of the body, measuring about two square meters. There are 2,800,000 pain receptors, 200,000 cold receptors, and 500,000 touch and pressure receptors distributed unevenly across this surface. From birth, girls are much more sensitive to touch, and as adults, women's skin is approximately ten times more sensitive to touch than men's skin. One authoritative study found that the boys who took part in the tests and showed the greatest skin sensitivity had less sensitivity than the most insensitive girls. Women's skin is thinner than men's and has an additional layer in the form of a fatty lining. This layer serves as thermal protection in winter and provides women with greater stamina than men.

Oxytocin is a hormone that stimulates the desire to touch and energizes the receptors that respond to touch. It is not surprising that women, who have these receptors ten times more sensitive than men, attach so much importance to the hugs of men, girlfriends and children. Studies of involuntary facial expressions and gestures show that a European woman is six times more likely to touch her interlocutor during a conversation than a man is to touch his interlocutor. Women use a wider range of expressive touch than men, describing a successful man as having a “magical” touch and describing others as “thick-skinned” or “thin-skinned.” Women like to use expressions like “let’s touch” (a literal translation of the English expression, which in Russian corresponds to the expression “we’ll keep in touch”), and do not like those who “get right into the skin.” They talk about “feelings,” are “hard to touch,” and, wanting to upset someone, “stroking the wrong way.”

The likelihood of a woman touching a woman during small talk is four to six times higher than the likelihood of a man touching his interlocutor in similar circumstances.

Psychiatric research shows that under stress, men avoid touch, withdrawing into themselves. On the other hand, more than half of the women in the same test sought out a man not for sex, but for intimate touch. When a woman is emotionally disturbed or angry, she usually responds with, “Don't touch me!” - a phrase that has little meaning for a man. Lesson? To score points with a woman, use small touches often, but try not to grope her. To raise mentally healthy children, hug, cuddle, and rock them often.

Why are men so thick-skinned?

Men have thicker skin than women, which explains why women have more wrinkles than men. On a man's back, the skin is four times thicker than on his stomach - a legacy of the times when he stood on four legs and the skin provided at least some protection for his back. By the time a teenager reaches puberty, he almost completely loses sensitivity to touch: his body begins to prepare for the adversity of hunting. The man needed insensitive skin so that he could push through the thorny bushes without stopping and fight the beast - the pain should not distract him or slow down his movement. A man engrossed in work or playing physically demanding sports may not notice that he is injured.

In fact, the boy does not lose skin sensitivity: it is simply concentrated in one area.

If a man is not focused on a task, his pain threshold is lower than a woman's. When a man moans, “Make me some chicken soup, get me some fresh orange juice, get me a bottle of hot water, call the doctor and make sure my will is in order!” - this means that his head ache slightly. A man is less sensitive to other people’s pain or discomfort: a woman is doubled over in pain, she has a temperature of forty degrees, she is shaking with chills under three blankets, and he asks: “Are you okay, dear?”, while thinking: “If you don’t pay attention to this is attention, maybe we can have sex, since she’s lying in bed anyway.”

However, in moments of empathy at a football match or other competition associated with aggression, a man does not lose sensitivity. Watching a boxing match on TV and seeing a boxer get hit with a painful blow below the belt, a woman will say, “Ooh, that must hurt,” and a man will groan, bend over as if he had been hit himself, and actually in fact will feel pain.

Taste for life ​ neither

Women's senses of smell and taste are superior to men's. We have about 10,000 taste receptors, allowing us to detect at least four basic tastes: sweet and salty - receptors on the tip of the tongue; sour – receptors on the lateral surface of the tongue; and bitter - on the back of the tongue. Japanese scientists are currently conducting experiments to identify the fifth taste - the taste of fat. Men score higher when it comes to salty and bitter, which is why they love beer, and women outperform them when it comes to sweet, which is why there are so many chocolate lovers in the world. As the keeper of the nest and the gatherer of fruits, tasting them before bringing them to her offspring, a woman had to develop a sense of sweet taste, allowing her to determine the degree of ripeness of the fruit. This circumstance explains why women love candied sweets and why most tasters are women.

Something smells

A woman’s sensitivity to odors is not only higher than a man’s, but it also becomes more acute every month during the period of ovulation. Her nose can detect the presence of pheromones (a sex attractant) and musky odors associated with a man, which cannot be consciously identified. Her brain can decipher the state of a man's immune system and, if necessary, her own. A woman may claim that a man is attractive or has a “strange magnetism.” If her immune system is stronger than a certain man's, she is likely to find him less attractive.

A man may appear "strangely attractive" due to a strong immune system.

Brain scientists have found that women's brains can analyze these differences in the immune system within three seconds of encountering them. A strong immune system inherited from your parents increases your chances of survival. Additionally, a by-product of all this research was the development of a number of oils and lotions that were marketed for men. Perhaps they contain the secret of a phenomenon known as an instantly “flashed” feeling that makes a woman exhausted with desire.

X-files (secret knowledge)

Evolution has equipped us with the biology and senses we need to survive. What was often called witchcraft, supernatural power and female intuition was explored and measured by science in the eighties and ultimately boils down to the superiority of the female sensory apparatus. Men who did not understand the biological difference between women and men called the woman a witch and sentenced her to death. And women are simply better at capturing the nuances of involuntary facial expressions and gestures, sound halftones and other signals. The modern woman still remains a victim of her abilities and often resorts to the help of astrologers, card fortune tellers and other scoundrels of all kinds who offer to explain to a woman what she already knows intuitively in exchange for money earned through hard work. A woman's refined sensory apparatus makes a significant contribution to her earlier maturation. By the age of seventeen, most girls are already adults, while boys are still throwing flip-flops in the pool and laughing, making obscene noises.

Why are men called insensitive?

It would be more accurate to say that the hypersensitivity of a woman compared to a man is not due to her original superiority, but to the fact that the sensitivity of a man was muted during evolution. In the female world of a high level of perception, she a priori believes that the man perceives her verbal, sound and facial signals, anticipates her desires, as happens with any other woman. Evolution, as we have shown, made him different. A woman thinks that a man knows her desires and needs. When he does not perceive her signals, she accuses him: “You are insensitive - I made you understand!” The man mumbles in response: “Do you think I can read your mind?” Research shows that men are poor mind readers. However, the good news is that most of them can learn to perceive verbal and facial cues through training.

The next chapter is a unique test that will reveal your brain's sexual orientation and explain why you are the way you are.

Chapter 3. It's all in the mind

These comic maps of the human brain are funny only because they are plausible. But how much? I assure you, much more so than you think. In this chapter we will report on striking discoveries that have recently been made in brain research.

This chapter will really open your eyes, and at the end we've included a simple but great test that will show you why your brain functions the way it does.

Why are we more agile than others?

Take a look at the pictures below and you will notice the striking differences between a gorilla, a Neanderthal and a modern man. First of all, our brain is three times larger than the brain of a gorilla and a third larger than the brain of our primitive ancestor. Studies of brain tissue have shown that it has hardly changed over the past fifty thousand years. Second, we have a prominent forehead that our primate ancestors and cousins ​​lacked. The front part of the brain contains the left and right frontal lobes, which are responsible for many of our unique abilities, such as thinking, reading road maps, and speaking. These abilities make us superior to all other animals.

The male brain and the female brain have evolved at different rates, towards different talents and abilities. Men responsible for hunting developed brain regions responsible for long-range navigation, the tactical prowess needed to kill prey, and a refined ability to hit a target. They did not require the art of conversation or the ability to perceive the emotional needs of others, so the areas of the brain responsible for interpersonal contacts did not receive significant development. Women, by contrast, had to adapt to short-distance navigation, a wide peripheral vision to monitor their surroundings, the ability to multitask, and effective communication skills. Due to the differences in the demands made by men and women, special areas were developed that were responsible for each individual type of activity.

To use a Newspeak term, ancient society was sexist, but we will return to this point.

How our brain defends its territory

“Old habits die hard,” they used to say in the old days. “Genetic memory is alive and active,” say modern scientists. Genetic memory is part of our instinctive behavior. Naturally, it cannot be otherwise if you have spent thousands of years sitting in a cave facing the entrance to monitor the environment, defending your territory and solving billions of problems in order to survive. Look at the crowd in the restaurant. Most men prefer to sit with their backs to the wall, keeping the entrance to the hall in sight. This position makes them feel safe and alert. No one can slip behind his back unnoticed, although these days nothing threatens him more than a huge bill. On the other hand, women are indifferent whether their back is turned to an open space or not, except when the woman is alone with children. In such a situation, she will also take a place near the wall.

At home, the man also shows signs of instinctive behavior by occupying the side of the bed closest to the door - a symbolic act associated with the need to guard the entrance to the cave. If a couple has moved to a new house or stayed in a hotel where the woman is on the side of the bed closest to the door, the man may feel restless and even have difficulty falling asleep without understanding why. A change of location - closer to the door - can often calm him down.

Men joke that they lie close to the door in the new family home after marriage so that they can escape - in fact, they are showing a protective instinct for the family.

When a man is away, a woman instinctively takes on the duties of a protector and lies down on the side of the bed where her husband usually sleeps. At night, a woman, no matter how deep her sleep, can immediately wake up hearing a high-pitched sound similar to the voice of a child. Men continue to snore as if nothing had happened, and women are very upset by this. But his brain is tuned to sounds associated with movement, and he is likely to instantly wake up, ready to repel an attack, just because a twig snapped outside the window. This time it is the woman who continues to sleep, except when a man is not around and her brain is programmed to be defensive, to register any sound or movement that threatens her nest.

The area of ​​the brain responsible for success

The Greek philosopher Aristotle believed that the center of thought is the heart, and the brain helps cool the body. This is why we still associate emotions with the heart. You may think this is funny, but back in the late nineteenth century, many scientists adhered to this point of view.

In 1962, Roger Sperry received the Nobel Prize for deciphering the functions of the cortex of the two hemispheres of the brain, which act separately. Modern technology allows us to see how the brain works, but a truly in-depth understanding of its functioning is still a long way off. We know that the right hemisphere, responsible for creativity, controls the left side of the body, and the left hemisphere, responsible for logic, reasoning and speech, controls the right side of the body. In men in particular, the left side of the brain houses language and vocabulary, while the right side stores visual information. Left-handers operate more on the right side of the brain, which is responsible for creativity. This is why there is such a disproportionate number of left-handers among creative geniuses, including Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Greta Garbo, Robert De Niro and Paul McCartney.

Tests show that the degree of mental talent in women is 3% higher than in men.

Until the sixties, most data about the human brain came from soldiers killed on the battlefield—and this material was always available in abundance. The disadvantage of this material was that the vast majority of it was represented by the brains of men, as a result of which the opinion categorically prevailed that the female brain functions in the same way as the male brain.

To date, recent studies have shown that the functioning of the female brain has significant differences from the action of the male brain. This is the root of the problems that arise in relationships between the sexes. The female brain is slightly smaller than the male brain, but research data suggests that this does not affect the functioning of a woman’s brain. In 1997, Danish scientist Berthe Pakkenberg of the Department of Neurology at Copenhagen Municipal Hospital demonstrated that men's brains contain on average four million more brain cells than women's, but overall women test 3% more intelligent than men.

Where is it in the brain?

This is the generally accepted view of which half of the brain controls which function.

Although the amount of research and our understanding of the functioning of the human brain increases dramatically every day, the results are interpreted differently. But there are a few areas where scientists are unanimous. The use of magnetic resonance, which measures the electrical activity of the brain, now makes it possible to identify and measure the exact location of many specific functions in the brain. Using brain scanning equipment, we can see which part of the brain is involved in solving a particular problem. When a brain scan map of an individual indicates the existence of a specific area that controls a particular activity or function, this means that this person, as a rule, performs this type of work very well, enjoys this activity, that is, strives to load up this area of ​​the brain.

For example, most men have a specific area that controls their sense of direction, so they find their way around easily. They enjoy planning trips and romantically reminisce about adventures that allowed them to use their abilities in the field of navigation and orientation. For women, a special area is responsible for speech - and they speak well, easily and quickly; they often choose as a profession activities related to taking advantage of good speech proficiency, such as medicine, advocacy, teaching. If there is no special area in the brain associated with a certain type of activity, a person is usually not naturally inclined towards it and does not experience pleasure from the corresponding activities. This is why you will rarely find a female navigator or learn good English from a male teacher.

Where did they start studying the brain?

The first recorded study of brain differences between men and women was conducted by Francis Gatton in 1882. He found that men were more likely to produce loud noises, such as high-pitched squeals, a stronger handshake, and less sensitivity to pain. At the same time, in the United States, a similar study found that men prefer red to blue, have a large vocabulary and prefer to solve technical rather than domestic problems. Women have sharper hearing, use more words in conversation, and prefer to do work or solve individual problems.

Each study that looked for regions responsible for specific functions involved a patient who had suffered brain damage. It turned out that men with damage to the left side of the brain almost completely lost speech and their vocabulary was noticeably impoverished, while women with the same damage did not lose speech to the same extent, which indicated the existence of more than one speech center in women. Men were three to four times more likely to lose or have difficulty speaking than women, and were much less likely to regain it. If a man received an injury to the left side of his head, he could remain mute. If a woman was injured in the same place, she most often continued to speak.

A man with an injury to the right side of his brain lost virtually all spatial awareness and the ability to imagine an object in three dimensions and rotate it in his brain to view it from different angles. For example, a woman’s brain sees the architectural plan of a house as flat, while a man’s brain sees it as three-dimensional, which means a man can see depth. Most men immediately imagine what the building will look like after construction is completed. Women with injuries to the right side of the brain in the same place did not suffer from any changes in their spatial imagination.

Doreen Kimura, a professor of psychology at the University of Ontario, found that speech impairment in men occurs after damage to only the left side of the brain, and speech impairment in women occurs after damage to the frontal lobe of both hemispheres together. Stuttering is a speech impediment affecting mostly men, and in stuttering classes there are three to four boys for every girl. Simply put, when it comes to speech and conversation, men's abilities are limited. Most women will not be surprised by this result. History shows that a man's lack of ability and desire to carry on a conversation has caused women to tear their hair out for thousands of years.

How the brain is analyzed

Since the early 1990s, brain scanning equipment has advanced to such an extent that it has become possible to see your brain in action on a television screen using positron emission tomography and magnetic resonance imaging. Markus Reichl of the University of Washington School of Medicine measured specific areas of increased metabolism in the brain to identify areas responsible for specific activities, which are shown in the figure.

At Yale University, a team of scientists led by Dr. Bennett and Sally Shaywitz conducted a study giving tests to men and women to determine which part of the brain is involved in rhyming. Using magnetic resonance imaging techniques to record small changes in blood flow to different parts of the brain, they confirmed that in such cases, men use predominantly the left half of the brain responsible for speech, while women use both the right and left half. These experiments, like many others conducted in the nineties, yielded the same results: the brains of men and women function differently.

Ask a man and a woman: do their brains work differently? The man will say: I think so, I read something about it on the Internet a few days ago. The woman will answer: of course, yes - the next question?

Studies have also shown that the left side of a girl's brain develops faster than a boy's, as a result of which the girl begins to speak earlier and better than her brother, begins to read earlier and masters a foreign language faster. In addition, this explains the fact that mostly boys are treated by speech pathology specialists. Boys, however, develop more quickly on the right side of the brain, which provides them with better spatial and logical thinking, as well as better perception. Boys are superior to girls in mathematics, construction, puzzle solving, and other problems, and they hone these abilities earlier than girls.

It may be fashionable now to believe that differences between the sexes are minimal and do not play a significant role, but the facts refute this point of view. Unfortunately, we now live in a society that insists that we are all the same, despite mountains of evidence that we are programmed differently and have evolved to develop vastly different abilities and tendencies.

Why do women have better nerve connections?

The right and left sides of the brain are connected by a bundle of nerves called the corpus callosum. This cable allows one side of the brain to communicate with the other and allows the two hemispheres to exchange information.

Try to imagine that you have two computers on your shoulders, connected by a cable. This cable is the corpus callosum.

Neuroscientist Roger Gorsky of the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that women have a thicker corpus callosum than men, and women have 30% more connections between the left and right sides of the brain. He also proved that men and women use different hemispheres of the brain when working on the same task. Since then, these findings have been confirmed by studies by other scientists.

Research has found that the female hormone estrogen promotes the formation of more connections between the two hemispheres. More connections have been found to result in more fluent speech. This feature also explains a woman’s ability to conduct several unrelated affairs, and is also partly responsible for women’s intuition. As we have already discussed, a woman has a more complete set of sensory sensors, and given the multi-channel neural connections between the hemispheres, it becomes clear how a woman can make such quick and accurate judgments about people and situations at the level of intuition.

Why men can only do one thing

All available research data confirms that the male brain is specialized. Divided into departments. Its configuration promotes concentration on one single task at a time, which most men claim to be able to do just one thing at this time. When a man stops his car to check the road map, what is the first thing he does? Turn off the radio! Most women don't understand why he does this. She can read and at the same time listen and speak, why shouldn’t he do the same. Why does he demand to turn off the TV when the phone rings? “Why can’t he hear what I say to him when he’s reading the newspaper or watching a TV show?” - almost every woman has once expressed such a complaint. The answer is that the configuration of a man's brain does not allow him to multitask due to the small number of nerve connections between the left and right hemispheres, due to the fact that the man's brain is divided into sections. Scan his brain while he reads and you will see that he is practically deaf.

A woman's brain is programmed to manage several things at once. She can do several unrelated things at once, and her brain never turns off. She can talk on the phone while preparing a new recipe while looking at the TV. She can drive, apply makeup and listen to the radio at the same time, all while talking on her cell phone. If you talk to a man while he is preparing a new recipe, he will most likely become angry because he cannot both listen and follow the instructions in the recipe. Talking to a man while shaving increases the likelihood that he will cut himself. Most women have had to listen to accusations that a man missed a turn in the road because of her chatter. One woman said that, angry with her husband, she took revenge on him by starting a conversation at the moment when he was driving a nail with a hammer!

Because women use both sides of the brain, many of them confuse the right and left sides. About 50% of women cannot instantly tell which hand is right and which is left, and determine this by a ring or other sign. Men, by contrast, operate on either the right or left side of the brain, and it is easier for them to distinguish their right hand from their left. That's why men all over the world scold women for telling them to turn right when they meant left.

Toothbrush test

Test yourself with this test - using a toothbrush. Most women can brush their teeth on the go without interrupting a conversation. They can move the toothbrush up and down while wiping the table with a circular motion with the other hand. Most men will find such a task difficult or impossible to complete. When a man brushes his teeth, his brain is focused on one task. All of them, as a rule, stand slightly bent over the sink, their legs are spaced 30 centimeters apart, their heads move up and down in time with the movement of the brush.

Why are we the way we are?

While we raise boys and girls as if they are exactly the same, science has proven that they are strikingly different from each other in the way they think. Neurologists and brain scientists have universally concluded that we are who we are because of hormones.

We are who we are thanks to hormones. We are all products of our chemical reactions.

Throughout the twentieth century, the prevailing view was that we are born with a virgin mind, and our parents, teachers and environment dictate our preferences and choices. Recent studies of the brain and the features of its development have now revealed the fact that our brain is formed like a computer within 6-8 weeks after conception. Our basic “operating system” is already installed, and several programs are loaded into it, so by the time we are born, our brain is already loaded, like a computer, with a set of both basic and supporting programs.

The scientists also showed that the underlying operating system and its configuration leave little room for change. Our environment and our teachers can only add data and install only compatible programs.

Until now, there was virtually no “How to” guide. This means that by the time we are born, our future choices and sexual preferences are already determined. Nature versus nurture? Hopelessly. Nature has too much of an advantage. We now know that parenting is a learned behavior: adoptive mothers are just as effective parenters as their own parents.

Embryo programming

Almost all of us are made of 46 chromosomes, which are like genetic building blocks or tracing paper. Twenty-three of them came from our mother and twenty-three from our father. If our mother's twenty-third chromosome is an X chromosome (having an X shape) and if our father's twenty-third chromosome is an X, the result is a child XX - a girl. If the father's twenty-third chromosome is Y, the child is an XY boy. The basic matrix of the human body and mind is female. We all start our lives as girls, which is why men have female features such as nipples and mammary glands.

Science has proven that Eve was the first

At 6–8 weeks after conception, the embryo is still asexual and can potentially develop both male and female reproductive organs. German scientist Dr. Gunter Dorner, a leading social science researcher, was one of the first to theorize that our sexual characteristics develop between six and eight weeks after conception. His research showed that the XY embryo, a genetic boy, develops special cells that send large amounts of male hormones, particularly testosterone, into the body. The hormone shapes the testicles and brain configuration to suit a man's behavior and characteristics, such as the vigilance and spatial awareness needed to accurately cast, hunt and pursue prey.

Suppose that a boy embryo (XY) needed at least one unit of male hormones to form male reproductive organs and another three units of hormones to form the male operating system of the brain, but for reasons that we will discuss later, did not receive the required amounts of hormone. Suppose he received three units, but four are required. The first unit was used to form the genitals, but only two units were left to form the operating system of the brain, which means that the brain was two-thirds male and one-third female. As a result, a child is born who will become a man with a predominantly masculine mentality, but will also have some of the stereotypes and abilities of a woman. If a boy embryo receives, say, only two units, then one will be used to form the reproductive organs, and the brain will receive only one unit instead of the required three. We now have a child whose brain remains predominantly female in structure and thinking, but in a genetically male body. As he grows up, such a boy will most likely become homosexual. We will discuss how this happens in Chapter Eight.

When the embryo is a girl (XX), it receives little or no male hormones, and the embryo develops female genital organs, but the brain matrix remains female. Next, the brain is formed by female hormones and becomes programmed to protect the nest, including the emergence of centers for deciphering both verbal and other signals. When the child is born, he will look like a girl and his behavior will be feminine because the brain is programmed accordingly. But from time to time, usually due to accidents, a female embryo receives a significant dose of male hormones, as a result of which a girl is born with a more or less masculine mentality. How this happens we will discuss further.

It is believed that 80 to 85% of men have a predominantly masculine mentality, and 15 to 20% have a mind that is feminized to some degree. Many of the representatives of the latter group acquire the wrong sexual orientation.

Between 15 and 20% of men have feminized brains. About 10% of women have a masculine mentality.

Any reference to the female gender in this book refers to the approximately 90% of girls and women whose brains are programmed to behave predominantly as women. About 10% of women have brains that are more or less programmed for masculine behavior because they received an excess of male hormones in the womb at six to eight weeks of age.

Here's a simple but very good test that will show you to what extent your brain is wired to be masculine or feminine. The questions were compiled from a variety of studies examining the link between brain characteristics and sexuality, and the scoring system was developed by British geneticist Anne Moir. There are no right or wrong answers to this test, but it will give you an idea of ​​what determines your preferences in this life and what your mindset is. After answering the questions, you can calculate points using the method given on the page following the test. Make a photocopy of the test and offer it to those you live and work with. As a result, many people's eyes will be opened.

Test to determine the nature of thinking

The test is designed to determine the feminine or masculine principle in the mind of each person. There are no right or wrong answers - the result will simply indicate the likely level of male hormones your brain did or did not receive six to eight weeks after conception. This fact will be reflected in your preferences in your value system, style of behavior, orientation and choice of solution to the problem.

Circle the statement that you believe is correct in the vast majority of cases.

1. When you need to understand a simple or road map, you:

A. in difficulty and often ask for help;

b. turn it so that it coincides with the direction of your view on the ground;

V. you don't experience any difficulties.

2. You are preparing a complex gourmet dish for dinner, the radio is on and the phone is ringing. You:

A. continue preparing the dish, leaving the radio on and talking to your friend;

b. turn off the radio, continue cooking and talk;

V. say on the phone that you will call back as soon as the dish is ready.

3. Friends gather around you and ask you to tell them how to get to your new home. You:

A. draw a route map and send it to friends or ask someone to explain how to get there;

b. ask what notable places your friends know, and then try to explain how to get to you;

V. explain in words how to find your house: “Take the M3 to Newcastle, then turn around, then turn left and go to the second traffic light...”

4. When explaining a new idea or concept, you are likely to:

A. you will use pencil, paper and gestures;

b. explain in words, using gestures and facial expressions;

V. explain in words clearly and precisely.

5. When you find yourself at home after watching a wonderful movie, you tend to:

A. replay scenes from a movie in your mind;

b. talk about those scenes and what was said on screen;

V. mainly quote the words of on-screen characters.

6. In a cinema, do you prefer to sit:

A. on the right side;

b. you don't care;

V. From the left side.

7. A friend's mechanical problem has broken. You:

A. express sympathy and talk about how unpleasant it must be for him/her;

V. figure out how this thing works and try to fix it.

8. You are in an unfamiliar place and someone asks you where north is. You:

A. admit that you don’t know;

b. after thinking, you will guess where he is;

V. instantly point north.

9. You have found a place where you can park your car, but it is very cramped, and you need to drive there in reverse. You:

A. try to find another place;

b. Having carefully prepared, drive the car there;

V. Reverse your car easily and effortlessly.

10. You are watching TV and the phone rang. You:

A. answer without turning it off;

b. turn off the TV and then answer;

V. turn off the TV, ask those present to be silent and only then answer.

11. You have just listened to a new song performed by your favorite artist. Usually you:

A. you can sing a verse from this song, and it won’t be difficult for you;

b. you can sing something from this song if it is simple enough;

V. you will have a hard time remembering the tune of the song, but you will remember some of the tones.

12. You are the best predictor of the outcome:

A. intuitively;

b. making a decision based on available information and “gut feeling”;

V. making a decision based on facts, statistics and accurate data.

13. You put your keys in the wrong place. You:

A. do something until you remember where you put them;

b. get down to business, intensely remembering where they could have disappeared to;

V. mentally replay your path until you remember where you left them.

14. You are in a hotel and heard the distant howl of a siren. You:

A. you can immediately indicate where the sound is coming from;

b. you can point in the direction if you concentrate;

V. you will not be able to determine the direction in which the sound source is located.

15. You came to a reception and were introduced to six or seven new people. The next day you:

A. you can easily describe their faces;

b. remember just a few of these faces;

V. are more likely to remember their names.

16. You want to go on vacation to the village, and your partner wants to go to a resort. To convince him/her that your offer is better, you:

A. gently say how you feel: you love the village, and the children and family there are always so much fun;

b. say: if your partner goes to the village, then you will be grateful to him/her and next time you will definitely go to the resort;

V. take advantage of the facts: the village is closer, cheaper and good for sports and recreation.

17. When planning your day, you:

A. write a list of what needs to be done;

b. think about what needs to be done today;

V. picture in your mind the people you need to meet, the places you need to visit, and the things you need to do.

18. A friend has a personal problem and he/she came to you to discuss it. You:

A. sympathy itself, and understanding, and everything;

b. say that problems are never as serious as they seem, and explain why;

V. try to give rational advice on how to solve the problem.

19. Two of your friends from different marriages have started an affair and are secretly dating. How likely is it that you will understand what is happening:

A. You'll understand pretty quickly;

b. you will understand what is happening after a while;

V. You'll probably never guess.

20. What, exactly, is life, in your opinion?

A. have friends and live in harmony with others;

b. be friendly to others while maintaining personal independence;

V. achieve a worthy goal, earn the respect of others and achieve a prestigious position.

21. If you had a choice, would you prefer to work:

A. in a team where other people get along easily with others;

b. with others, but maintaining some space for yourself;

V. separately.

22. Of these books do you prefer:

A. novels and works of fiction;

b. magazines and newspapers;

V. documentary prose, biographies.

23. When you go shopping, you tend to:

A. buy, obeying a sudden impulse, in particular, extraordinary things;

b. plan purchases in advance, but do not consider this plan mandatory;

V. look at labels and compare prices.

24. Do you prefer to go to bed, get up and eat:

A. whenever you want;

b. according to a schedule, but not mandatory;

V. at the same time every day.

25. You started a new job and met a lot of new people. One of them calls you at home. You:

26. What worries you most when you argue with someone:

A. the silence of the interlocutor or his reaction that you do not understand;

b. his lack of understanding of your point of view;

V. his alarming or aggressive questions and comments.

27. At school, what was your attitude towards literacy tests and essays:

A. you dealt with it easily;

b. one was given to you, and the other was not;

V. neither one nor the other was possible.

28. When dancing you:

A. you can feel the music as soon as you learn to move correctly;

b. You can dance some dances, but others are not for you;

V. have difficulty following the rhythm.

29. How well can you recognize animal calls and imitate them:

A. not very good;

b. in moderation;

V. Very good.

30. At the end of a long day, do you prefer:

A. talk to friends or family about your day;

b. listen to others talk about their affairs;

How to calculate the result

First, add up the number of answers for categories “a”, “b” and “c” and use the following table to calculate the points scored.

For any questions that don't accurately reflect your life or are left unanswered, reward yourself with 5 points.

See previous heading.

Analysis of results

Most men have between 0 and 180 points, and most women between 150 and 300. The predominantly male mindset usually earns itself less than 150 points. The closer to 0, the more masculine the mind, and the more likely high testosterone levels are. Such people have strong logic, analytical skills and eloquence. The closer they are to 0, the better they predict value, the more accurate conclusions they make based on statistical data, and the more free they are from the influence of emotions on conclusions. Points in the minus area indicate a purely masculine mentality. This means that in the early stages of embryonic development, a large amount of testosterone entered the fetus.

The lower the number of points a woman has, the higher the likelihood of showing lesbian tendencies. A purely female mind scores more than 180 points. The more, the more female in the brain program, the greater the likelihood of the manifestation of extraordinary creative, artistic, and musical abilities. Such people make decisions based on intuition, on internal, unmotivated feelings, and are good at identifying problems when there is a minimum of data. They are good at solving problems that require solutions based on creativity and intuition. The more points above 180 a man has, the greater the likelihood of homosexual tendencies.

Men with a score below 0 and women with a score above 180 have brains programmed so differently that the only thing they have in common is that they live on the same planet!

Transition region

The number of points in the range from 150 to 180 indicates a similar mindset for both sexes, figuratively speaking, when one foot is in one camp and the other is in the opposite camp. These people tend to exhibit neither masculine nor feminine patterns and tend to exhibit flexibility of thought, which can be a great asset in any problem-solving group. They are predisposed to friendships with both men and women.

Final word...

Since the early eighties, our knowledge of the brain has reached heights beyond our wildest expectations. President Bush declared the nineties the Decade of the Brain, and we are now approaching the Millennium of the Mind. In talking about the brain and its various functional areas, we have tried to simplify the science of neurology so as not to get bogged down in purely medical terms, but we have tried to simplify it to the extent that the brain is a web-like structure of neurons. Brain cells form complex complexes that make up the areas of the brain that we talked about.

You, the reader, do not need to become a neuroscientist, you just want to understand the essence of the functioning of the brain and, based on this understanding, develop a specific strategy for communicating with people of the opposite sex. It is easy to identify the area of ​​a man’s brain responsible for spatial orientation and develop a specific strategy for it. It is much more difficult to get a clue to the action of emotions in the brain, but even so, it is possible for you to develop a suitable strategy to take into account this action of emotions.

Chapter 4. Talking and listening

Barbara and Allan are going to a party. Barbara bought a new dress and wants to look her best. She holds two pairs of shoes in her hands: blue and gold. Then he asks Allan the question that all men dread: “Darling, what shoes should I wear with this dress?”

A chill ran down Allan's spine. He realized that trouble was brewing. “A-ah... hmmm... which ones do you like, my love,” he stutters. “Well, Allan,” she says impatiently, “which ones look better, the blue ones or the gold ones?” "Golden!" – he blurts out nervously. “What's wrong with the blue ones? she asks. -You never loved them! I paid a fortune for them, and you hate them, don’t you!”

Allan's shoulders slump. “If you don’t want to know my opinion, don’t ask!” - he answers. It seemed to him that they were asking him for help to solve a problem, and when the help was provided, he received no gratitude. However, Barbara simply exhibited a typically feminine characteristic: speaking in roundabout ways. She had already decided what shoes she would wear and did not need anyone's opinion on this matter: she needed confirmation that she looked good. In this chapter we will look at the problems that arise when men and women communicate and propose some new techniques for solving them.

Blue or Gold Shoes Strategy

If a woman asks “blue or gold?” when choosing shoes, it is important that the man does not answer this question. Instead, he should say: “And you have already chosen, dear, which pair you will wear!” With this approach, most women are lost, since men they know, as a rule, immediately declare their preferences. “Well... I was thinking maybe I should wear gold ones,” she will say hesitantly. “Why gold?” - he will ask. “Because I have gold jewelry and my dress is trimmed with gold thread,” she explains. A knowledgeable man will joyfully exclaim: “Shine! Great choice! You look amazing! It fits well! I love!". And you can bet that at night he will receive his reward in full.

Why men can't speak correctly

We have known for thousands of years that men are not very talkative, particularly compared to women. Not only do girls begin to speak earlier than boys, but a three-year-old girl has twice the vocabulary of a three-year-old boy and her speech is almost 100% intelligible. Doctors involved in speech pathology constantly deal with parents who bring boys with the same complaint: “He doesn’t know how to speak correctly.” If a boy has an older sister, this is especially noticeable, since older sisters and mothers tend to be responsible for their brother and son. Ask a five-year-old boy, “How are you!” and his mother or sister will immediately answer, “Thanks, he’s doing well.”

Mothers, daughters and older sisters often speak on behalf of the men in their family.

​Men do not have a special speech department. Speech is controlled by the left side of the brain, and there is no separate speech area. Studies of people with brain damage have shown that in most cases, speech disorders appeared after injuries to the posterior part of the left hemisphere in men and the front part of the left hemisphere in women. When a man speaks, magnetic resonance imaging scans show activity throughout the left hemisphere. But no special department of speech was found there. As a result, men do not speak very well.

The differences in how people express themselves are most evident in sports. Watch a sports program on television and notice how, for example, basketball players can accurately, consistently and clearly talk about the match that just ended. When trying to interview basketball players, not only can it be difficult to understand what they are saying, but sometimes they cannot even open their mouths. Teenagers have the same picture. When we asked our teenage daughter to talk about a party she had gone to the night before, she gave a detailed account of everything that happened: who said what to whom, how they felt, and how everyone was dressed. In response to the same question, our teenage son mumbled: “Everything was fine.”

On Valentine's Day, flower girls advise men: “Express your love with flowers,” because they know that it is difficult for a man to do this with words.

It is not difficult for a man to buy a postcard, but what to write on it is what puzzles him.

Men often choose a card with long-winded text on it because it leaves less space for them to write.

Remember, in the process of evolution, a man had to get food, not communicate. When hunting, communication is limited to a series of facial signals, and hunters often silently watch their prey for hours. They don't talk to each other. When modern men go fishing, they can spend many hours together without saying a word. They have a great time in each other's company, but don't feel the need to express it in words. If women spend time together and do not talk to their heart's content, then this shows that something is wrong. The only case where men communicate through conversation is due to the disruption of the strict specialization of the male brain under the influence of a fair amount of alcohol.

Current page: 1 (book has 18 pages total) [available reading passage: 5 pages]

Annotation

Allan and Barbara Pease's new book is based on their bestselling book Body Language, first published in 1978 and later translated into 48 languages ​​and selling over 20 million copies. Unlike the previous version of the book, now this most popular and authoritative textbook in the world on “reading the thoughts of others by their gestures” touches on absolutely all aspects of the personal life and professional activity of any person.

The authors significantly expanded and supplemented the publication; many photographs of world celebrities appeared in the book, which in this case are used as a kind of “educational aids”. Not a single gesture went unnoticed! Facial expressions, postures, manners, gait, gaze - a complete decoding of all body movements, by which you can easily unravel the real feelings and thoughts of other people - in the new bestseller of world famous psychologists!

“Read any person like a book”, choose the right line of behavior, feel confident and at ease in any environment, make the best decisions - all this is now real and accessible to everyone. This book will also help you become aware of your own nonverbal signals and teach you how to use them for effective communication. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

Learn a new, modern version of body language - and you will certainly achieve success in everything!

Translation: Tatyana Novikova

Allan Pease, Barbara Pease

Gratitude

Allan Pease, Barbara Pease

New body language. extended version

Gratitude

Here are a few people who contributed directly or indirectly to the creation of this book, sometimes without even knowing it:

Dr John Tickel, Dr Dennis Whiteley, Dr Andre Davril, Professor Philip Hunsaker, Trevor Dolby, Armin Gontermann, Lothar Menne, Ray and Ruth Pease, Malcolm Edwards, Ian Marshall, Laura Meehan, Ron and Toby Hale, Darryl Whitby, Susan Lamb, Sadaki Hayashi, Deb Sertens, Deb Inksman, Doreen Carroll, Steve Wright, Derryn Hinch, Dana Reeves, Ronnie Corbett, Vanessa Feltz, Esther Rantzen, Jonathan Coleman, Trish Goddard, Kerry - Anne Kennerly, Bert Newton, Roger Moore, Lenny Henry, Ray Martin, Mike Walsh, Don Lane, Ian Leslie, Anne Diamond, Jerry and Sherry Meadows, Stan Zermarnik, Darrell Somers, Andres Kepes, Leon Beener, Bob Geldof, Vladimir Putin, Andy McNab, John Howard, Nick and Catherine Greiner, Bruce Courtney, Tony and Cherie Blair, Greg and Katie Owen, Lindy Chamberlain, Mike Stoller, Jerry and Katie Bradbeer, Ty and Patti Boyd, Mark Victor Hansen, Brian Tracy, Kerry Packer, Ian Botham, Helen Richards, Tony Greig, Simon Townsend, Diana Spencer, Princes William and Harry, Prince Charles, Dr. Desmond Morris, Princess Anne, David and Ian Goodwin, Ivan Frangi, Victoria Singer, John Nevin, Richard Otton, Rob Edmonds, Jerry Hutton, John Hepworth, Bob Hessler, Gay Hubert, Ian McKillop, Delia Mills, Pamela Anderson. Wayne Mugridge, Peter Opie, David Rose, Alan White, Rob Winch, Ron Tuckey, Barry Markoff, Christina Maher, Sally and Geoff Birch, John Fenton, Norman and Glenda Leonard,

Dorie Simmonds, whose insight and enthusiasm helped us write this book.

Introduction

A person's nails, the sleeves of his coat, his boots, trousers, calluses on his hands, facial expression, cufflinks, movements - all this says a lot about a person.

An attentive observer, combining the observed signs, can come to an almost unmistakable conclusion.

SHERLOCK HOLMES, 1892

As a child, I always understood that people often say something that is not at all what they think and feel. And by understanding people's true thoughts and feelings and responding appropriately to their needs, you can achieve your own goals. When I turned eleven, I began my working career as a sales agent. After class, I sold rubber dishwashing sponges to earn some pocket money. I very quickly learned to understand whether the person who opened the door for me was going to buy my product or not. If I was sent away, but the person’s palms were open, I realized that I could be persistent. Such people never showed aggression. When they politely asked me to leave and pointed at the door with a finger or a clenched palm, I felt that it was really better to leave. I liked trading, I understood that I could achieve success in this business. In high school, I started selling housewares in the evenings. Then I managed to earn money for my first major purchase. Trading allowed me to interact with people and study them up close. I learned to identify potential buyers by body language. These skills proved invaluable at the disco. I unmistakably determined which of the girls would agree to dance with me, and which it would be better not to approach.

When I was twenty years old, I joined an insurance company and achieved noticeable success. I became the youngest employee who managed to sell a million dollars worth of policies in a year. My achievements were appreciated. I was lucky because my knowledge of body language, acquired in school, turned out to be quite applicable in my new field of study. I realized that I can succeed in anything that involves communicating with people.

The world is not what it seems

Understanding what is really happening to a person is not very easy, but it is possible. You must mentally analyze what you see and hear, while also taking into account the circumstances in which you find yourself. And then you can draw the right conclusions. Most people see only what they think they really see.

To explain what I mean, I'll tell you a short story.

Two men are walking through the forest. They pass by a large black hole.

“And the hole seems to be deep,” one notes. - Let's throw a couple of pebbles into it to check the depth.

They throw a pebble and wait. No sound.

- Wow! The hole is really deep. Let's throw that big rock at her. There will definitely be a sound from him.

They throw a large stone, wait, but again no sound is heard.

“I saw a railway carriage in the bushes here,” one of the men remarks. “If we throw him into the hole, we’ll definitely hear the sound.”

They pull out a heavy carriage, push it into the hole, the carriage disappears, but not a sound, still silence in response.

Suddenly, a goat appears from the neighboring bushes, rushing at terrible speed. He rushes between the men, flies into the air and disappears into the hole.

A farmer appears from the bushes and asks:

- Hey, guys! Have you seen my goat?

- Of course we saw it! How can you forget this! He rushed past us like the wind and jumped into that hole over there! “No,” the farmer shakes his head. “It wasn’t my goat.” I tied mine to the sleeping car.

Do you know your own palm?

Sometimes we are convinced that we know something like our own palm, but experiments show that only 5% of people are able to recognize their own hand from a photograph. For a television program, we conducted a simple experiment that proved that most people have no idea about body language. At the end of the hotel lobby, we installed a large mirror in such a way that those entering had the impression of a long corridor. We hung climbing plants on the ceiling so that they were at human height. Entering the lobby, a person saw his own reflection, and he had the impression that someone was walking towards him. He could not recognize the “other person” because his face was hidden by plants hanging from the ceiling. However, the outlines of the figure and movement were clearly visible. Each guest looked at the person “coming towards him” for five to six seconds, and then approached the reception desk. At the counter we asked if the person recognized the person who was walking towards him. 85% of men answered negatively. Most men are unable to recognize themselves in the mirror. One even asked: “That fat, ugly guy?” We were not at all surprised that 58% of women said that there was a mirror in front of them, and 30% said that the woman walking towards them seemed familiar to them.

...

Most men and almost half of women have no idea what they look like from the neck down.

How to deal with contradictions in body language?

Almost everyone perfectly understands the body language of politicians, since we know that politicians constantly pretend that they believe in something that they absolutely do not believe in, and pretend to be something other than who they really are. They spend most of their time pretending, dodging, dodging, deceiving, hiding emotions and feelings, hiding behind smoke screens and mirrors, greeting imaginary friends in the crowd. But we instinctively feel that their bodies are sending us conflicting signals. That's why we prefer to see politicians up close to bring them to light.

...

What signal tells us that a politician is lying? His lips move.

For one television program we conducted an experiment. This time we used the local tourist office. Tourists entered the bureau to obtain information about the sights and interesting places of the city. They were directed to the counter, where they spoke with a bureau employee - a young man with blond hair and a mustache, wearing a white shirt and tie. After several minutes of conversation, the young man leaned under the counter to take out the brochures. And then a completely different man appeared from there - shaved, with dark hair, in a blue shirt and without a tie. He continued talking to the tourist from the same place where the first employee interrupted. Surprisingly, almost half of the tourists did not notice that they were talking to another person. Neither men nor women paid attention to the change in the nature of body language, or to the completely different appearance of the interlocutor. If you don't have the innate ability to read body language cues, you're likely missing out on some very important information. In this book we will tell you about what you do not notice.

How we wrote this book

Barbara and I wrote this book based on my earlier book Body Language. Not only have we greatly expanded upon the previous edition, but we have also conducted research in new scientific disciplines such as evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology, and also used data obtained using nuclear magnetic resonance, which gave us insight into the processes occurring in the brain person. We tried to write our book so that you can start reading it from anywhere. We focused on body movements, gestures, and facial expressions because that's what you should be interested in when communicating with another person. This book will help you become aware of your own nonverbal cues and teach you how to use them to communicate effectively. We will help you achieve what you want.

In the book, we have highlighted and discussed in detail each component of body language in accessible terms so that everyone can understand us. However, we have tried our best to avoid oversimplification.

Surely there will be those among our readers who will raise their hands to the sky in horror, exclaiming that learning body language is just another way to learn how to manipulate other people for your own purposes. But that’s not why we wrote our book! We just wanted to help you learn how to communicate more effectively with other people, better understand your interlocutors and yourself. Understanding body language will make your life clearer and easier. Ignorance and lack of understanding give rise to fear and prejudice, making us overly critical of others and ourselves. The hunter does not need to study the birds - he can simply shoot them and bring them home as a trophy. Learning body language makes communicating with another person an interesting and enjoyable process.

For simplicity, we use the words “he”, “him”, “him” everywhere, meaning representatives of both sexes.

Your body language dictionary

I wrote the first book as a guide for salespeople, managers, negotiators and executives. This same book touches on almost every aspect of human life. You can use it at work, at home and on a date. It is the result of more than thirty years of work in the field of human relations. We have tried to give you the necessary “vocabulary” that would allow you to correctly understand the feelings and thoughts of other people. Here you will find answers to the most frequently asked questions regarding people's behavior and will be able to correct your own behavior. Imagine that you have been in a dark room for a long time. It was furnished, its walls were covered with wallpaper, but you never saw it. And suddenly someone turned on the light! Our book is the lamp that will help you really see what has always been around you. And now you will know exactly what the world around you really is like and how you can live in it.

Allan Pease

Chapter 1 Learning the Basics

For a representative of the Western world, this gesture means “good”, for an Italian it means “one”, for a Japanese it means “five”.

Each of us has friends who, upon entering a room full of people, within five minutes can tell exactly who is with whom and in what relationship they are. The ability to understand the relationships between people and their thoughts through their behavior is an ancient system of communication, and people used it long before the advent of spoken language.

Before the invention of radio, most communication took place in writing - through letters, books and newspapers. Dirty politicians and bad speakers could succeed by working hard and writing a good, polished article. Abraham Lincoln was not a brilliant speaker, but he was excellent at expressing his thoughts on paper. The radio era opened the way for public speakers. Winston Churchill was considered a unique speaker, but he would hardly have achieved success today, in the era of television.

Today, politicians understand that their success is determined by their appearance and image. Most serious politicians have body language consultants who help them appear sincere, caring and honest, when in reality these qualities are completely uncharacteristic of them.

It seems incredible that after thousands of years of evolution, body language began to be studied only in the 60s of the twentieth century. Many people today consider speech to be the main form of communication. In an evolutionary sense, speech is a very recent development. It is generally used to convey facts and data. Oral speech appeared approximately 500,000 years ago. During this time, the human brain tripled in size. Before this, the main form of communication of emotions and feelings was body language and sounds made by the throat. It must be said that the situation has remained virtually unchanged today. But because we focus on the words we speak, most of us don't pay the slightest attention to body language. But it still plays an important role in our lives. Nevertheless, many expressions have been preserved in oral speech that show how important body language is in human life.

...

Remove the weight from your shoulders. Stay at arm's length. Meet face to face. Don't bow your head. Shoulder to shoulder. Take the first step.

Sometimes such a phrase is not easy to accept calmly, but it is simply impossible not to understand its meaning.

In the beginning it was...

Silent film actors were the first to actively use body language, since it was the only means of communication available to them. Good actors used gestures and body signals well, bad actors poorly. With the advent of talkies, the non-verbal aspects of acting began to be given less importance. Many silent film actors found themselves unclaimed. Only those who skillfully combined verbal and nonverbal skills were able to achieve success.

Among the scientific works devoted to body language, we can highlight the work of Charles Darwin, “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals,” published in 1872. However, only scientists are familiar with this work. Yet it has greatly influenced modern research on facial expressions and body language. Many of Darwin's ideas and observations are still widely used today by researchers around the world. Since Darwin's work, scientists have identified and recorded nearly a million nonverbal clues and signals. Albert Merabian, a pioneer in the study of body language who worked in the 50s of the twentieth century, discovered that the information of any message is divided as follows: 7% of it is conveyed verbally, that is, words, 38% - vocally (tone of voice, stress and manner of speaking). pronouncing sounds) and 55% - non-verbal signals.

...

The meaning of what you want to say is conveyed to a greater extent by how you look at the moment of speech, and not by your words.

Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell conducted original research on nonverbal communication. He called his observations "kinesics." Birdwhistell assessed the degree of nonverbal communication between people. He concluded that the average person speaks about 10–11 minutes a day, and the average sentence lasts only 2.5 seconds. Burwhistell also found that a person can produce and recognize about 250,000 facial expressions.

Like Merabian, Birdwhistell found that the verbal component of interpersonal communication is less than 35%, and over 65% of the information conveyed in communication is conveyed nonverbally. Our analysis of numerous trade deals and negotiations conducted in the 1970s and 1980s found that body language conveys between 60% and 80% of the information at the negotiating table. Most people form an opinion about a stranger in less than four minutes of interaction. Research also shows that when negotiations are conducted over the phone, the participant with the stronger arguments wins. If negotiations are conducted in person, the result is not so predictable, since the final decision largely depends on what we see, and not just on what we hear.

Why are we sometimes misunderstood?

Although this approach may seem incorrect, when we meet strangers for the first time, we very quickly make conclusions about their friendliness, desire for dominance and sexual attractiveness. And at the same time we do not look into the eyes of our interlocutor at all.

Most researchers believe that words are used by humans primarily to convey information, while body language helps convey interpersonal relationships. In some cases, body language effectively replaces verbal messages. For example, a woman can give a man a “killer look” and use that look to convey a very clear message without even opening her mouth.

Regardless of culture, words and movements are combined with a high degree of predictability. Birdwhistell was the first to notice that a trained person, after listening to a speaker on the radio, can absolutely accurately determine what movements the speaker made. Birdwhistell learned to determine what language a person spoke simply by observing his gestures.

It is difficult for many to come to terms with the fact that people are just biological beings, practically the same animals. We are representatives of primates - Homo sapiens. We are hairless monkeys who have learned to walk on two legs and have developed brains. But, like any other animal, we are subject to the same biological laws. It is biology that controls our actions, reactions, body language and gestures. The most amazing thing is that people very rarely realize that their postures, movements and gestures say something completely different from what they are trying to express in words.

How body language reveals emotions and thoughts

Body language is an external reflection of a person’s emotional state. Every gesture or movement is a key to the feelings that a person is experiencing at the moment. For example, a man who realizes that he is beginning to gain weight may, in a moment of thoughtfulness, twist his fingers under the fold under his chin. A woman who realizes that her hips are too full will unconsciously tug at her skirt and pull it down. A person who is afraid or defensive crosses their arms or legs. A man talking to a busty interlocutor consciously tries not to look at her breasts, but at the same time unconsciously makes palpating gestures with his hands.

Prince Charles has found a piquant companion

To understand body language, you must understand the person's emotional state at the time of the conversation, hear what is being said, and take into account the circumstances in which the conversation is being conducted. This will allow you to separate facts from speculation, reality from fantasy. Not long ago, we humans placed an inordinate amount of importance on words and oratory. However, most people are completely unaware of body language signals and the impact they have. And this despite the fact that we know for sure: most of the information during a conversation is transmitted using body signals. Let's give an example. French President Chirac, US President Ronald Reagan, and Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke actively use gestures to express the relative scale of the problem under discussion in their own minds. Bob Hawke once advocated increasing the salaries of politicians, comparing their incomes with the incomes of the heads of large firms and enterprises. He argued that executive salaries were exorbitantly high and his proposed pay rise for politicians was relatively small. Each time he mentioned politicians' incomes, Hawk spread his arms about a meter apart. When he talked about executive salaries, he spread his arms only 30 centimeters. The distance between the palms of the Prime Minister indicated that he perfectly understood the significant benefits of the proposal he was expressing for politicians, despite all the verbal tricks.

President Jacques Chirac: does he show the scale of the problem being discussed or does he simply talk about his own love affairs?

Why are women more susceptible?

When we say that a person has good intuition and sensitivity, we unconsciously note his ability to understand the body language of his interlocutor and compare the received signals with verbal ones. In other words, when we say that we “gut feel” that the interlocutor is lying to us, we want to say that his words are not consistent with the movements he makes. Speakers call this feeling collective or group consciousness. For example, if the audience leans back in their chairs, raises their chins and folds their arms over their chests, a sensitive speaker immediately understands that he has clearly failed in his speech. At such a moment, he can adjust his speech to attract the audience's attention. A speaker who is not distinguished by such sensitivity will continue his speech and will not achieve any success.

...

Sensitivity is the ability to notice contradictions between a person’s words and the movements and gestures he makes.

In general, it can be said that women are more susceptible than men. Women's intuition has long been a proverb. Women have an innate ability to understand and correctly decipher non-verbal signals, as well as notice the smallest details. This is why only a few husbands succeed in deceiving their wives. The women themselves are very successful in leading their lovers by the nose.

Research conducted by psychologists at Harvard University has shown that women are much more attentive to body language than men. The subjects were shown short videos with the sound turned off, and then asked to explain what was happening on the screen. The videos featured scenes of interaction between men and women. As a result, it turned out that women correctly assessed what was happening in 87 percent of cases, while men - only in 42 percent. Almost feminine intuition is possessed by men whose activities involve caring and communicating with other people. Homosexuals also showed good results. Women's intuition is especially strongly developed among those who raise children. During the first years of a child's life, a woman must rely almost entirely on nonverbal channels. This is why women have much more developed intuition than men: they have to learn this art very early.

What Science Says

Most women have more organized and communicative brains than men. Nuclear magnetic resonance images clearly explain why women have better communication and judgment abilities than men. From fourteen to sixteen areas of the female brain evaluate the behavior of the interlocutor, while in men there are only four to six such areas. That is why a woman, having come to a party, can immediately assess the relationship between the other guests: who had a fight, who is in love with whom, who recently broke up, etc. It is not surprising that women consider men to be incredibly silent, and men think that it is possible to make women silent almost impossible.

As we already said in the book “The Language of Relationships,” the female brain is focused on multi-tracking. An ordinary woman can talk about two or more unrelated topics at the same time. She can watch TV, talk on the phone at the same time, listen to conversations behind her back and still drink coffee. She can touch on several completely different topics during one conversation and use five intonation marks to change the topic or emphasize something. Unfortunately, most men are able to recognize only three such discharges. As a result, when women try to communicate with men, they often lose the thread of the conversation.

Research shows that people who rely on visual cues in face-to-face communication make better judgments about their interlocutor than those who rely only on words. And knowledge of body language helps them with this. Women master this skill subconsciously, but everyone else can learn it. This is why we wrote our book.

Why do fortune tellers know so much?

If you've ever turned to fortune tellers, you've probably wondered how they know so much about you. Moreover, sometimes these people know something that, it would seem, no one should know. Maybe they really are clairvoyants? Research shows that most fortune tellers use a technique called “cold reading,” which has an 80% reliability rate when telling fortunes to a complete stranger. To naive clients this may seem like a real miracle, but in reality the predictor simply correctly interprets body language signals, has a deep knowledge of human nature and relies on the theory of probability. The same technique is used by Tarot card fortune tellers, astrologers and palmists. They begin collecting information about the client literally from the first minute, as soon as he crosses the threshold of their office. Many fortune tellers are not even aware of their ability to read non-verbal signals and are sincerely convinced of their “supernatural” abilities. Unsurprisingly, such conviction gives the presentation additional credibility. And besides, those who often visit fortune tellers are pre-set for a positive result. Tarot cards, a crystal ball, and a mysterious atmosphere create the ideal conditions for reading body language signals. In such an environment, even the most inveterate skeptic can become convinced that magic really exists. An experienced predictor perfectly deciphers the client’s reactions to questions asked and statements made, and in addition, receives a lot of information simply from the visitor’s appearance. Most fortune tellers are women because, as we said before, women have an innate ability to read body signals and determine the emotional state of the interlocutor.

In order to explain all of the above, let’s imagine that you decided to turn to a fortune teller. You enter a darkened room where some incense is being smoked. A woman sits in front of you in a turban, with an abundance of jewelry. There is a crystal ball on a low table in front of her.

So what did you hear? Is such a prediction reliable? Research shows that any predictions are 80% correct. And this is due to the brilliant ability to read body language signals. The fortuneteller correctly interprets the client’s posture, facial expression, gestures and movements. Add to this dim lighting, strange music, the smell of incense... We are not pushing you to become a fortune teller, but very soon you will also learn to read those around you no worse than any fortune teller.

Is the skill innate, inherited or acquired?

Which hand is on top when you cross your arms over your chest? Most people cannot immediately answer this question without attempting to test the answer empirically. Cross your arms and then try to quickly change the position of your arms. One position seems familiar to you, while another causes an acute feeling of discomfort. Research has shown that this is a gesture inherited at the genetic level, which is almost impossible to change.

...

Seven out of ten people have their left hand above their right.

Much research has been conducted to determine whether certain nonverbal cues are innate, acquired, inherited, or otherwise learned. Observations were made on blind people (who could not learn nonverbal cues visually) in various countries around the world, as well as on our closest anthropological relatives, the great apes.

Why is it easier to deceive a man than a woman? What should be the correct handshake? How to win over your interlocutor?

Alan Pease spoke about this and much more in an interview.

Since Alan Pease's book "Body Language" became a bestseller, its author has been given the honorary title of "Mr. Body Language." Even such a small detail as the changing size of your pupil cannot escape this person’s gaze. Pease easily reads information about his interlocutor and is happy to tell other people how to master this difficult art.

Obama gets an A, Bush gets a D

—Have you ever worked with Russian politicians?

— Vladimir Putin attended my seminars in 1991. He turned out to be a good student. I was invited Anatoly Sobchak, at that time Vladimir Putin was the deputy mayor of St. Petersburg, and we organized a seminar for new politicians so that people would believe them and accept them. The whole world then wanted to see a new Russia. I taught them that when they perform on TV, they need to show less aggression and be more friendly.

— Alan, do Russians have any peculiarities of body language?

— The main outstanding feature of Russians does not concern body language, because your gestures are similar to those of Americans and Europeans. This is, rather, a difficult legacy of the communist era - a Russian face. Whatever you want to show: joy, sadness, delight, excitement - for many, the face remains the same. It doesn't express any emotion. This may alienate the interlocutor. That's why at my seminars I teach businessmen to relax their faces a little and smile.

- And how to demonstrate friendliness with the help of gestures?

- First of all, you can’t cross your arms, you need to open up to your interlocutor so that he can see your palms. This way people accept better and believe what you say more. If your palms are down, the other person feels humiliated, feels threatened by you, and is less likely to listen to what you say. The palm down is a signal of power for both humans and monkeys.

When I first came to Russia, I saw that Russian politicians have very aggressive body language. They spoke: " We want to help Russian people", "We look to the future", while banging his fist on the table. And everyone felt uneasy about it.

- How should you behave?

— Look at the president Obama, he tries very hard to make a positive impression. When he speaks, he is essentially hugging you. It's like he pulls you towards him. When we look at it, this is exactly the impression we get. George Bush he didn’t behave like that, he generally had very bad body language.

In fact, 60 to 80% of the information you get from watching a person on TV comes from how they behave. Even when you place your cup on the table, it tells the other person whether you accept or reject what he says. If I don’t like what they tell me, I’ll make a barrier with the hand I’m holding the cup with, as if I’ll cover myself with it. I'll put the cup next to my left elbow. If I like what I hear, I will hold my hand with the cup in front of me and place it in front of me, without blocking my body. This is a very simple technique, but says a lot.

Male and female lies

— What determines the tendency to learn body language?

— Some are more trainable, others less. As for body language, the leaders here are women; they know how to use it from birth. For the fair half of humanity, this is not something completely new that they have to learn. Therefore, if we teach a woman how to make a good impression, she will do it quite naturally. For men, this is sometimes just a revelation.

- Alan, are you easy to deceive? Or is this impossible?

- First of all, I am a man. A man is much easier to fool than a woman. A woman’s brain is designed in such a way that she more easily reads body language signals that indicate her emotional state. Anyone who has ever dealt with a woman understands that it is almost impossible to deceive her, and it is not even worth trying. Calling or sending an SMS is much easier, but not face to face. I'm sure my wife deceives me all the time (laughs).

By the way, there is one caveat. Women often lie to make a man feel better in order to save the relationship. Men lie to make themselves look better. A woman will tell you that you look good even when you're dying. A man may say that you look lousy, but he will earn you thousands of dollars and you will look better.

- How can you spot a liar?

— What do people do when they lie? Most often they touch the face and, above all, the nose. Therefore, one must always watch for such gestures. But there are also phrases that usually appear before you start lying. For example, " To be completely sincere", "In truth", "In all sincerity" - and then I start lying. Let's say you ask me if I watch your program. I answer: " To tell the truth (scratches nose), being completely frank (rubs eyes), I would never miss your program. She's so interesting!" (tugging at the collar of his shirt). This sequence of gestures shows us that the person is not thinking what he is telling you.

Biggest mistake

— What mistakes do we most often make when we try to independently analyze the gestures of our interlocutor?

— The biggest mistake is to use one sign and try to interpret it out of context. It's like snatching one word from a phrase and trying to understand what they wanted to tell you. To understand what is being said to you, you need at least 3 words, like a small sentence. Body language works the same way. You need a whole sentence. For example, I tell you that I always watch your program and scratch my nose. You may think I'm lying to you, but my nose might just be itchy. Now, if I use at least 3 signals from my body language that indicate a lie, then this is a clear indicator that I am telling a lie.

- When we met, you shook my hand, what should be the correct handshake?

— When you greet, keep your palm straight. Squeeze it with the same force as the other person. If we take a scale of handshake strength from 1 to 10 (10 is the strongest), then for me the best handshake strength is about 7, and for you, since you are a fragile girl, about 3. This means that I should shake your hand with the strength that will be comfortable for you. If I shake your hand with about 7 units of force, you will be shocked - and it will not end well.

— They call you “Mr. Body Language.” Have you ever been bothered by the enormous amount of knowledge you possess when communicating with other people?

— Knowledge doesn’t interfere, I just live like that. For example, it’s very interesting to watch you. You have such big eyes, I watch how your pupil dilates, so I draw a conclusion about whether what I am telling is interesting or uninteresting. You tilt your head slightly when you like what I say. You are relaxed because you are using the table area, leaning on it, speaking with the open palm of your right hand. This means that you are open and not threatening me. If you ask a question that I somehow answer incorrectly, you turn your hand palm down. So maybe I have more fun looking at you than you do looking at me (laughs).