How to learn to control yourself in stressful situations. The ability to control oneself when communicating. How to learn to control yourself and how to get rid of negative emotions. Stay calm in conflict situations

“Courage, hard work, self-control

and intellectual effort is the basis

for a successful life ".

Theodore Roosevelt

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear about self-control? Perhaps the image of a martial arts warrior - calm, focused and in control of himself and his life. Or, you can imagine a person who plans his life, has self-discipline and achieves his goals. Be that as it may, you will be right in any case - this is a wonderful skill and everyone should learn it.

Think about which of the above benefits you show consistently. Do you feel like you are in control and confident about your future? Do you know how to manage your emotions? Most likely your answer will be this - you can do all this, but only sometimes. If so, take four important steps to help you develop self-control.

What does it mean to be able to control yourself?

If you know how to control yourself, this means that you have the ability to control yourself in any situation and consciously move towards your goals. You are clearly aware of them, have self-discipline and are as focused as possible. It also means managing your emotions, thoughts, impulses and actions to get you on track.

Think of people you know who can't control themselves. Most likely they are impulsive and reckless. They make the wrong conclusions, lose their temper, yell at other people and are completely unable to be patient. They are unpredictable and not credible.

Goals

The development of self-control begins with. Think of people who are highly self-disciplined. There is a great chance that they are clearly aware of their merits, have the right goals and all actions are directed towards their achievement.

Set short and long term goals for yourself. For the former, you need motivation, for the latter, discipline. Remember that they should be clear and easy to measure, and every right step increases your in yourself and kills.

Attitude and emotions

Dealing with negative situations and managing emotions are critical skills for self-control. If you often lose your temper, then you do not control your own mood and make a lot of mistakes both in work and in relations with others.

Focus on something positive every day. Numerous unpleasant events are possible in your life, but they should not affect your psyche and your decisions. Be for what you already have. Almost everyone has the ability to exaggerate colors, so change your attitude to what is happening, to what you cannot change. Even if you do not like your job, do not even think about it at home or when you are on vacation.

Avoid self-sabotage because it erodes your confidence and prevents you from achieving your goals. If you notice this behavior, change the direction of your thoughts. Think about something positive and inspiring.

On a piece of paper, describe the situations that led to negative and destructive thoughts. Next, write down the emotions you experienced while doing this, and list your automatic responses. It is the automatic reactions that are the problem for most people. They instantly react to criticism with anger, and to conflict with apathy.

Develop emotional intelligence. Be always aware, determine what emotions you are experiencing at the moment, give them a clear definition. If you are angry, don't deny it and admit that you are angry. Watch the reactions of other people - this way you can notice the first signs of conflict and immediately extinguish it.

Strength of will

Think back to how many times you have set ambitious goals like learning English and never followed through. You lacked willpower and self-control. We always give up what we started when our mood spoils, we are upset about something and don't get what we want.

Willpower is extremely important for self-control because it pushes us forward and encourages us to act even when we are afraid or upset. Willpower is born in us when we see the big picture and understand that we need to put in a lot of effort in order to achieve a big goal in a year. Usually people concentrate on details and forget about the long-term benefits.

Willpower usually comes in explosions and consumes enormous amounts of energy. But once it becomes a habit, you can tackle the most difficult tasks without experiencing any emotional difficulties. Make sure your rational and emotional motives are in order. Development in oneself will also help. In the first weeks, you will have a difficult time, but after a month you will feel that you hardly spend any effort in order to complete the next task.

Concentration

Nothing pushes us back so much and makes us look like Sisyphus, as constant distractions. In addition, this leads to scattered attention and the fact that a person cannot concentrate for more than ten minutes. He reads a book and he wants to sleep, does work and gets bored. And then meaningless distractions come to the rescue, which entertain him and lead him away from the goal.

• How much time do you spend on unnecessary distractions per day?
• How much time do you spend surfing the internet that doesn't change your life?
• How much time do you spend on pauses? Taking rest is useful and correct, but if you are distracted every five minutes, it affects the results in a negative way.
• What could you achieve this day if you spent the previous five to the maximum benefit?

Concentrate on your tasks for one hour several times a day. Give yourself a little rest if you work one hour without distractions. Over time, you will be able to concentrate for longer periods and will be surprised to see how much easier it has become for you to get the job done and get to the bottom of the matter.

We wish you good luck!

Life is full of problems and temptations, and very often we go about our desires or sluggishly sail through the waves of circumstances, having neither the strength nor the desire to resist them. The result in both cases causes negative emotions. We regret that we spent money, having bought a lot of unnecessary things, did not dare to offer our candidacy for a vacant position with a higher salary, did not hold back our emotions and fundamentally ruined our relationship with our other half or a teenage child.

In order not to get into such situations, you need to know how to manage yourself. The inability or unwillingness to learn this often leads to the fact that a person becomes a puppet in the hands of others, sometimes without even realizing it. Often having acted emotionally under the influence of an impulse, we can then regret the consequences that have occurred, sometimes even our whole life.

Keep your emotions in check

There are many situations where our emotions can bring troubles of various sizes. Excitement in an exam or job interview can get in the way of getting the coveted grade or position you dreamed of. The inability to cope with irritation is the cause of many domestic and sometimes official conflicts. In order to emerge victorious from any stress, you need not only to know how to manage your emotions, but also not to forget to put it into practice at the right time.

For those who are worried about any reason, psychologists advise to master relaxation techniques that can be used even in a crowded place, for example, at an exam or before an important speech at a meeting.

One of these techniques is breathing exercises. You can perform the exercises while standing or sitting, but always with a straightened spine and a straightened chest. At first, rhythmic breathing through the nose is recommended, for which one should alternately cover one nostril with a finger. Then breathing follows the pattern: inhale through the right nostril - hold the breath - exhale through the left nostril and vice versa. By the way, holding your breath is described in many sources as a way to combat irritation.

Analyze

In order to successfully deal with negative emotions, it is helpful to try to understand what exactly triggers them. Often we are irritated because of the fear of the unknown or the fear of not being able to cope with the assigned task, not being up to par. In this case, you need to mentally calculate the options in a calm atmosphere, as if to live the situation several times in different ways. Having experienced feelings, albeit unrealistic for now, it is worth assessing their importance for yourself. It often turns out that the game (that is, the experience) is not worth the candle - those expected consequences, which in fact turn out to be by no means catastrophic.

To cope with the annoyance caused by what we believe to be the wrong behavior of other people, it is worth considering why they behave this way. There is not always malicious intent behind what offends us. In order to be convinced of this, sometimes a calm heart-to-heart conversation is enough.

About desires

Individuals who know how to manage themselves tend to make a positive impression on those around them. People who are accustomed to doing what the left leg wants to do do not inspire the confidence of their acquaintances and make their own life very difficult. Specialists-psychologists help to cope with such inappropriate behavior, but your own effort can bring results. The main thing is that a person must realize that loved ones suffer from his spontaneous actions.

For example, if a woman realizes that every trip to the store makes a hole in the family budget, and the things bought under the influence of an impulse then gather dust without doing anything, you can introduce a mode of reasonable economy. To do this, before the next raid on the supermarket, you need to draw up a list of goods necessary for the purchase and strictly adhere to it. Then you should calculate the approximate cost of the purchase and put in the wallet an amount that does not significantly exceed the received value. It is better to forget your credit card at home.

But struggling with your desires is not always worth it. Sometimes they stimulate creative thinking, forcing us to find an option for additional income that will help us acquire the ring we like without prejudice to the family.

My own psychologist

Psychology can teach a lot: how to manage yourself, how to get rid of someone else's influence, how to increase stress resistance. If it is not possible to consult a psychologist or take a course of psycho-training in person, you can ask for an online consultation, now many psychological support centers have their own websites. Another option is to independently study the literature on this issue.

The greatest value for any person is his calm state of mind. The one who has lost peace cannot live normally, realize his dreams and bring joy to himself and those around him. External restraint, the need only to hide negative emotions is not beneficial, since stress is driven inward and accumulates, waiting for an hour when it will be possible to explode. In order for the house to be in order, it must be maintained. To live in harmony with your “I” and the whole world, you need to maintain your peace of mind.

Instructions

To restrain your emotions in a particular situation, use the old method: count to 10. When you are calm, you tend to make intelligent decisions, for good reason that anger is bad. Under the influence of stress, we perceive the world around us painfully and in these moments we are very vulnerable.

Striving and uniqueness will help you. This is what you need to constantly grow above yourself, strive for. Develop your best qualities as much as possible. Self-improvement is a long and painstaking work. You must become spiritually richer, become more interesting not only for yourself, but also for you. In difficult times, this will be very useful to you.

Introduce yourself. This means that you need to objectively yourself and your actions. Be as honest with yourself as possible. start small. If you have conflicts with others, then soberly assess the degree of your guilt and the guilt of your opponent. This will allow you to look as deeply as possible inside yourself and your own from various angles of perception of reality.

Helpful advice

Know your strengths and weaknesses well.

Sources:

• 37 laws of self-control

The art of self-management will allow you to become a balanced and whole person who boldly walks through life and enjoys every day. To master this art, you need to observe your behavior in a given situation.

Instructions

Get positive emotions. Perhaps you enjoy watching blood-curdling movies. But after several views in a row, you will start to flinch from any unexpected sound, for example, a phone call. Therefore, try to focus on pleasant experiences, smiles and a positive mood. Communicate more with cheerful people and soon you will notice that you yourself are becoming a cheerful person.

Of course, things can happen in life that will overwhelm your patience and make you very upset or angry. In times like these, stay away from loved ones you might offend. Otherwise, all the anger will pour out on innocent heads, because no matter how you restrain your emotions, sooner or later they will make themselves felt. To prevent this from happening suddenly, allow yourself an emotional release: regularly go in for sports or any physical labor, go to a football match, where you can “cheer” on your favorite team, and at the same time relieve stress.

It is very difficult to control yourself during conflict situations or when you are provoked into aggressive behavior. In order not to turn the dispute into a bazaar, try to reason your answers and demand the same from the interlocutor. If you feel that you are starting to lose your temper, take a break, for example, take a sip of coffee. Speak firmly and decisively, but don't scream even if they are yelling at you. In this case, it is better to use a defensive reaction and while such a loud monologue continues, imagine a noisy interlocutor with big ears or a clown nose. This will inevitably make you smile, which means it will help you to relax.

Do something daily to improve yourself. The motto of all people who have achieved a lot in life was formulated a very long time ago and is quite simple: "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." This life principle will teach you to be in time everywhere, to be, and will also help you very quickly see the results of your own work. Make plans and follow them, remembering to leave a place for a well-deserved rest.

How to learn to control yourself? This question is of interest to many people. In a pickup truck, self-control is essential. It allows you to control your emotions, thanks to which you are better and faster at seducing women.

Why a pick-up artist needs to control himself

First, a lot of guys are experiencing strong. If you learn to control this fear, you will be able to confidently meet women, as a result, you will have more sex in your life or a permanent girlfriend will appear.

Secondly, by mastering your emotions, you will be able to completely control the process of seduction. You will show perseverance or, conversely, restraint, when necessary. For example, if a girl tells an ordinary guy that she is going to a club with her friend today and will not meet with him, he will be offended by her and they will quarrel. If this person is in control of himself, he will not care for her trip, he will go to the club with a friend or go about his own business. This will avoid unnecessary conflicts and that she communicates with a strong, balanced and independent man.

Thirdly, self-control will provide your psychological comfort. You, realizing that girls' refusals, failures in the process of seduction, and in life in general, are only part of the overall process, which should not in any way affect the achievement of global goals. These goals can be - a happy personal life, financial independence, and more. Thus, the ability to control yourself will allow you to preserve your nerve cells and live healthy to a ripe old age.

1. Consciously control your emotions. They should not dangle like a weather vane in the wind. You must be aware that if you are nervous, then you are nervous; if you are scared, then scared. Your task is to understand that you can experience anything, and you cannot influence it. But your emotions should not shape your actions, which you do of your own free will. You may feel fear or anger, but despite this, you must act reasonably. Emotions should not influence your actions, you should do what is necessary despite them;
2. Go in for sports. extra adrenaline. It also promotes the release of endorphins, which will improve your well-being and control yourself will become easier;
3. Overcome yourself periodically. Consciously create situations that cause you fear or anger and overcome them. So you will learn to control yourself;
4. Live positively. If everything goes well in your life, you will experience only bright emotions, and in this case it is much easier to control yourself than if your life is saturated with negativity.

It is difficult to give general advice to anyone who wants to learn to master themselves. No people are alike, no situations are alike. Someone is distinguished by high psychological stability, it is relatively easy to endure physical and psychological stress, worries or adversities do not knock him out of the saddle. And for another, even simple everyday troubles, small conflicts at work can unbalance for a long time, worsen mood and performance.

Depending on the physical condition, health, success in personal and work life, mental stability can change significantly. Therefore, in each case, the recipes for its preservation are different and individual. Nevertheless, those who want to learn how to manage their emotions and moods, to master quick ways to reduce excessive internal tension, we can recommend relatively simple techniques of self-regulation, self-control and attention training.

Despite the apparent simplicity of the proposed exercises, mastering them and using them successfully depends on how seriously you take the exercises. Training should be carried out with the same systematicity and perseverance as physical exercise. Only in this case it is possible to achieve a significant increase in psychological stability.

1. Control of external manifestations of emotions

Take a closer look at your movements, posture, posture, hands, because the appearance is a mirror of our inner state. By correcting it, you can influence your mental state. More often than not, we are hindered by excessive mental tension, which changes our appearance not for the better. Here are exercises that can be used to relieve excessive mental tension, for emotional release.

• Start with the face. Look at yourself mentally - as if from the side - or look in the mirror. Free your face from unnecessary internal clamps. Inhale, hold your breath for 10-15 seconds. After exhaling, run your hand over your face, as if removing the remnants of tension, anxiety, irritation. Think about a smile - lift the corners of your lips up, "smile" with your eyes. Don't forget that your face looks more attractive this way.
• Mental tension can also manifest itself in our speech. Watch your voice, don't go too low or high pitch. With strong excitement, the rate of speech usually accelerates, the thought outstrips its verbal expression. With this in mind, control the rate of speech, slowing it down has a calming effect.
• Do not allow yourself a "depressive" gait and posture: stoop, lower your head down, pull it into your shoulders. Check the condition of your hands and fingers. They should be calm. Nervous movement of your fingers not only aggravates the tension, but also betrays your condition.

After such self-control over the external manifestations of the mental state, one should learn to manage focus of consciousness, i.e., distraction from emotionally significant situations, depressing thoughts and memories.

2. Management of neuropsychic tension and mood

To reduce it, you can use breathing exercises that involve holding your breath for a long time. They are performed while sitting, standing and lying down.

• Exercise 1. Take a deep breath, hold your breath (5-6 seconds), tighten the muscles of the body, then exhale slowly and relax all the muscles. Repeat 9-10 times, each time trying to increase the time for holding the breath, exhalation and relaxation.
• Exercise 2. Take a slow and deep breath, straining the muscles. Pause - 2-3 seconds, then a quick exhalation and rapid relaxation of all muscles. Perform 2-3 minutes.
• To relieve tension, you can also use squeezing and unclenching your fingers, rotating with relaxed hands, feet, shoulders, head, micro-tension of individual muscle groups, all kinds of exercises to relax the muscles of the face.
• If you feel lethargic, you have a reduced muscle and mental tone, then to activate the psychophysical state, you can use the following technique: while inhaling, relax all muscles as much as possible, especially the face, arms, shoulder girdle, then make a "forced" (short, sharp) exhalation with a strong and rapid tension of the muscles of the body, then relax.

You can use tricks to improve your mood enhancing pleasant memories- "Reproduction of positive emotions." To do this, being in a comfortable position and closing your eyes, relax. Breathe evenly and calmly. Vividly imagine a landscape or a situation that is associated with positive emotions, a feeling of psychological comfort, for example, a walk in a shady garden, a quiet forest glade, swimming in the sea, relaxing on the warm sand of the beach, etc. In other words, get it out of the bank positive memories ”that has a calming effect on you. Against this background, say any phrase of your choice that characterizes autogenous training.

"I am completely calm (a) ..." (Remember the feeling of pleasant peace you have ever experienced.)
"Nothing bothers me ..." (Think of the feeling of serene peace or serenity.)
"All my muscles are pleasantly relaxed to rest ..." (Feel this relaxation, a comfortable posture should facilitate this.)
“My whole body is completely resting ...” (Think of the feeling of pleasant rest and relaxation when you lie in a warm bath.)
"I am completely calm (a) ..." (Think about peace and rest.)

This technique helps to turn to your inner psychoenergetic resources to restore psychological "freshness", a state of "renewal". However, in order to use these resources, you first need to accumulate in your memory as many “resource” plot ideas associated with positive emotions, feelings of good mood, high efficiency and comfort. Therefore, in advance, form for yourself a personal "bank of positive emotions", plot images of situations correlated with vivid emotions and experiences of joy, success, happiness and mental well-being. Safely store your "treasures" and check often if they have not tarnished over time.

If you cannot get rid of unwanted emotions, use the technique recommended by the doctor K.V. Dineika (1987).

Lying on your back, relax your muscles, close your eyes, try to feel a state of languor and focus on unwanted emotion. Inhaling, mentally say, "I am consciously mastering the power of this emotion." Hold your breath and mentally say: "The power of this emotion is subordinate to me," while pushing and pulling in your stomach 3 times. While exhaling (through a slightly rounded mouth), say mentally 2-3 times: "I can control my emotions."

Then, while standing (legs apart), take a full breath, slowly raising your arms up. Stay in this position and do not breathe for 3-4 seconds (fingers are clenched into a fist). After that, you need to quickly bend forward (legs are straight), relax your hands down. Exhale sharply, uttering a short "ha". Straighten up, inhaling and raising your arms up. The exhalation should be done through the nose, lowering the hands down. Repeat 3-4 times. The exercise must be done 23 times during the day.

K.V.Dineika explains the effectiveness of this exercise by the fact that there is a reflex relationship between emotions and breathing processes... A slow, full breath promotes protective arousal, and the verbal formula during inhalation plays the role of a psychodynamic stimulus aimed at realizing the strength of an unwanted emotion, which should be converted into positive energy. Movement of the diaphragm massages the solar plexus, which improves venous outflow from the abdominal cavity and nourishment of the heart. Against this background, the spoken phrase strengthens the will and confidence in success.

3. Management of mental state by switching attention

Attention is the most important condition for the successful implementation of any type of activity. It is necessary for a person in his work, study and everyday life - in everyday life, communication, during rest. Without it, the integration of mental activity, the voluntary and involuntary orientation of our consciousness is impossible.

Attention ensures accuracy and completeness of perception, the ability to selectively extract the necessary information from memory, highlight the main and essential, and make the right decisions. It also regulates the course of all mental processes and the conscious behavior of a person. That is why attention training is necessary to strengthen memory, external and internal control, for the development of mental self-regulation abilities, including stress management.

Exercises for attention do not require complex equipment or special room. They can be performed alone with yourself at any time of the day, if only there was an opportunity to be silent and immersed in your thoughts. The object of attention is your body or objects that are at a close or rather distant distance from you.

K.S. Stanislavsky proposed to conditionally divide the entire space of attention into four circles:

1. large - all visible and perceived space;
2. middle - the circle of direct communication and orientation;
3. the small one is your “I” and the nearest space in which it dwells and acts;
4. inner is the world of your experiences and sensations.

Shifting your attention from the big circle to the medium, small, and inner circle is a great exercise for training self-control. This is one technique that can be used to rest, restore psychological stability, and prevent emotional exhaustion. Switching attention allows you to rebuild the train of thought, the nature of sensations, reduce cognitive tension, thereby contributing to voluntary change and mental tension. Let's look at some of these exercises.

3.1. "Searchlight". Choose a point in the large and a point in the small circle of attention. Imagine that you are able to send a beam of light with your eyes (like a spotlight beam) that can illuminate anything with tremendous power and brightness. When the "ray" is aimed at something, nothing else exists, everything else plunges into darkness. This "spotlight" is your attention! Now swing the "spotlight" from the first point to the second and back. The pace of the strokes can vary from 1 second to several, depending on the degree of mastery of the exercise, that is, the ability to catch each point with maximum concentration of attention.

3.2. "Continuous contemplation." In a comfortable, free position for 1-5 minutes, gaze intently at some not too difficult object, trying to find as many details as possible in it. In this case, it is allowed to blink as much as necessary, but the gaze must remain within the subject. Repeat the exercise until you can keep your attention relatively easy.

3.3. "Rhythmic contemplation." Select any object - item. While inhaling, gaze at it intently, illuminate it with an internal "spotlight"; as you exhale, close your eyes and try to erase the impression. Repeat the exercise 30-50 times. After mastering this rhythm, do the opposite: contemplation - on exhalation, "erasing" - on inhalation. You can change not only the rhythm, but also the pace of the exercise.

3.4. "Mental contemplation". Without interruption or briefly distracted by something, contemplate any object for 3-4 minutes. Then, closing your eyes, try to recall the visual image of the object in all its details. Then open your eyes and compare the "original" with the "copy". Repeat the exercise 5-10 times. The purpose of the exercise is to achieve a clear inner vision. Not everyone succeeds in this task.

3.5. "Internal spotlight". Being in a comfortable, relaxed position, focus your attention on any part of your body, “illuminate” it with a “spotlight” beam, disconnect from external noises, extraneous thoughts, immerse yourself in the feeling of what is being contemplated (1-3 minutes). Remaining in the inner circle of attention, move the "spotlight" to another part of the body, "get used to" this bodily sensation. In addition to training inner attention, this exercise promotes contact with your physical "I".

3.6. "Focusing". Sit comfortably in a chair with your eyes open or closed. On the command: "Quietly" concentrate your attention for 10-20 seconds on any point or part of your body. Then move your attention to the other part / point closest to it. For example, consistently focus on your hand, finger, etc. Exercise helps you learn how to manage attention and develops self-control.

3.7. "Mirror" . Sit in front of the mirror without straining. Breathe evenly. On the mirror, mentally mark a point at eyebrow level. Concentrate on it, look at the point without blinking, straight ahead, without straining the muscles of your face. If you need to blink, you should rest, directing your gaze into the distance. After a long concentration on a point, the image of the face in the mirror begins to blur. Close your eyes and figuratively reproduce pictures of nature in your thoughts, imagine yourself healthy, cheerful.

Positive thinking builds confidence in dealing with difficult situations. It creates the basis for overcoming life's stresses, because a person gets the opportunity to consider a difficult situation more sensibly and optimistically; mood and feelings are “fueled” by resources such as faith, hope and optimism.

Nothing diminishes the resources of stress resistance more than your own insecurity, low self-esteem. Belief in one's own capabilities helps to mobilize the reserve capabilities of the human psyche. Uncertainty in oneself is manifested in actions, deeds, feelings, therefore it is very important to be able not to succumb to a bad mood, apathy, inactivity, to always control oneself, to believe in one's abilities, to find something positive in any circumstances.

Thoughts, beliefs, internal dialogue have a constructive influence on the scenario of a person's life. They are manifested not only in behavior, feelings, but also in the attitude and readiness to overcome life's stresses.

First you need:

1. Identify irrational thoughts and beliefs that cause or exacerbate suffering and distress.
2. Carry out an introspection of the internal dialogue and eliminate from it all destructive speech turns, appeals to oneself (thoughts-images), in which doom, self-accusation, self-deprecation, lack of faith and hope for success, which are imbued with the denial of support resources and overcoming stressful situations, shine through. For example, “I can’t change anything in my life”, “I always make mistakes and cannot forgive myself for this”, “I don’t believe that my life can change for the better”, “I am unhappy and will always be like this ... "," No one can help me, all people are cruel and selfish "," I have no strength ... "," I do not deserve anything good "," no one wants to understand me, I will always be a lonely person ", etc. .d.
3. Replace them with constructive or positive ones that help mobilize internal psychological resources and strengthen self-confidence. This will require the transformation of not only internal speech (dialogue with oneself), but also external, addressed to other persons, society, the Universe (Table 1).

Table 1. Remaking negative thinking

Negative, irrational thoughts, non-constructive judgments	Formulas for positive thinking, rational judgments, attitudes
I am annoyed by “stupid” clients I cannot deal with my annoyance	It's good that not all clients are difficult. My irritation is a manifestation of my great emotional energy, and I can learn to control this power. I can, if I want, master the techniques of effective communication with "difficult" clients
Endless stress is awful!	Stress is the aroma and taste of life (G. Selye)
My leaders demand too much of me	Leaders believe in my strength and capabilities
My work takes too much of my energy	Each is given according to his strength. Many people have neither work nor as much strength as I have.

The positive thinking of an optimist finds a positive side in everything and, proceeding from this, draws up a plan of action, starting from the present moment. In this case, life and events inevitably have their own justified meaning. As Peter Lawrence said, “Dreams come true for optimists. Pessimists have nightmares. "

Those who are fixated on past failures and predict the same for themselves in the future will not be able to turn the tide in their favor and fall into the "trap" of expected disappointments and new defeats. He who condemns himself, life and other people for past events misses the chance to develop in himself the most important resource of resilience - the quality of optimism.

The ability to think positively is your individual resource that can support you in any cognitively difficult and emotionally stressful situations.

Every day we are greeted with troubles, which must be dealt with for our own well-being. Negative emotions and well-being that everyone can experience when they lose control of the situation and themselves can lead to sad consequences.

In order not to test yourself for strength and not be in danger, it is important to be able to pull yourself together and control the circumstances. This will help you avoid many problems and vicissitudes of Destiny. Use the suggested guidelines to change your attitude and behavior.

Don't get hung up on failure

Remember that life goes on as usual and often presents some rather unpleasant emotions. However, this state of affairs is not at all a reason for the blues. Learn to take what happened more calmly, without driving yourself into depression and worsening your own well-being. Failure is a reason to reconsider your actions, relax and unwind before correcting inaccuracies and oversights. Negative emotions that accompany you in case of erroneous actions require adjustment, perseverance in achieving the set goals and objectives.

Don't get discouraged

Dissatisfaction with one's own life, bleak everyday life and daily boredom from monotonous and routine actions can weaken a person. Try to find the reason for your sadness in order to change for the better. Do not forget that life is diverse, and after a dark stripe, a bright one will always come. In order to avoid such a state, find something to your liking, get out into nature, find a source of inspiration in yourself or in the space around you. Allow yourself small pleasures as a reward for your routine, and your mood will skyrocket.

Stay calm in conflict situations

Arguments, raised tones, yelling and irritation are not the best helpers in resolving disputes. Learn to cope with your own emotions and remember that cold confidence and calmness (even if only outwardly) quickly cool the aggression and pressure of your interlocutor. Having calmed down the discontent and guided by the arguments of reason, you can defend your innocence without worsening your well-being and mood with unnecessary worries. If your opponent is unable to listen to your words, end the conversation. This way you will avoid internal stress and overwork.

Don't react to aggressive attacks

Staying calm when challenged is important to your emotional and physical health. If you are faced with such a situation, collect yourself internally and try to abstract yourself from the aggressor. Count slowly, leveling your breath and focusing on your own feelings. Often, your icy calmness quickly cools the ardor of the offender, who is unable to bring you to response emotions. Do breathing exercises to control your emotions.

You can not restrain your emotions, get angry, shout, laugh, cry bitterly and loudly resent. Do you think anyone likes this sincerity? Only your enemies are pleased to watch this performance. Learning to manage emotions!

Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we commit acts of which we subsequently repent. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control over ourselves, so emotions prevailed over reason. That is, it was not we who controlled our emotions, but they controlled us.

Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the absence of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain composure and subjugate feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success either in their personal lives or in the professional sphere.

They do not think about the future, and their expenses often far exceed their income.

Intemperate people flare up like a match in any quarrel, not being able to stop in time and compromise, which deserves the reputation of a conflicted person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors say that many diseases have a direct connection with such negative emotions as anger, etc. They are preferred to avoid by people for whom their own peace and nerves are dear.

People who are not used to limiting themselves spend too much free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can keep them. It is not surprising that in whatever field they work, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for this is the lack of self-control.

A developed sense of self-control allows you to keep a cool head, sober thoughts and an understanding that feelings can turn out to be false and lead to a dead end in any situation.

There are also situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. "The secret ... is to understand when to be one, when to be different!"

Self-controlled people deserve respect and authority. On the other hand, to many, they seem callous, heartless, "insensitive blockheads" and ... incomprehensible. Much more understandable to us are those who from time to time "indulge in all serious", "break down", lose control over themselves and commit unpredictable actions! Looking at them, and we do not seem so weak to ourselves. Moreover, it is not so easy to become restrained and strong-willed. So we ourselves and reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason, and not by feelings, is joyless, and therefore unhappy.

The fact that this is not so is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist the temptation of the moment are more successful and happy than those who are unable to cope with emotions.

The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist at Stanford University. It is also known as the "marshmallow test" because one of its main "characters" is an ordinary marshmallow.

The experiment, conducted in the 60s of the last century, involved 653 4-year-old children. They were taken one by one into a room where one marshmallow lay on a plate on the table. Each child was told that he could eat it right now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michelle Walter left the child alone for a few minutes and then returned. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before his return, and only 30 waited for it and received a second. Curiously, the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two more countries where it was carried out.

Michelle Walter followed the fate of his charges and 15 years later came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get "everything and now", but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more educated and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves the quality of human life.

Yitzhak Pintosevich, who is called the “coach of success,” argues that those who have no control over themselves and their actions should forget about efficiency forever.

How to learn to manage yourself

1. Let's remember the "marshmallow dough"

30% of 4-year-olds already knew how. This character trait came to them "by nature" or their parents brought up this skill in them.

Someone said: “Do not bring up your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself. " Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, and we ourselves arrange hysterics in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower in themselves, and we ourselves show weakness. We remind you that they must be punctual and we are late for work every morning.

Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying "weak points" - where exactly we allow ourselves to "dissolve."

2. Components of control

The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:

1. Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
2. You should control yourself systematically, and not from case to case;
3. Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve the problem at such and such a time. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this among our colleagues. If we do not meet the announced time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount will serve as a good incentive not to be distracted by extraneous matters.

3. We write down the main goals facing us on a sheet and put (or hang) it in a prominent place

Every day we control how much we have managed to progress towards their implementation.

4. Putting things in order in our financial affairs

We keep credits under control, remember if we have debts that urgently need to be repaid, we reduce debit with credit. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems in this area, the less we will have reasons to “lose our temper”.

5. We observe our reactions to events that cause strong emotions in us, and analyze whether they are worth our experiences

We imagine the worst option and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inappropriate and thoughtless behavior.

6. Doing the opposite

We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to say "a couple of warm words" to him. Instead, we smile and compliment. If we feel offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, do not get angry, but rejoice for him and wish him a happy journey.

From the very morning we were overwhelmed by laziness, and - we turn on the music, and we take up some business. In short, we act contrary to what the emotion tells us.

7. A well-known phrase says: we cannot change circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them

We are surrounded by different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we meet with someone else's envy, anger, rudeness. It is necessary to come to terms with what we cannot influence.

8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation

Just as physical exercise develops the body, so meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, you can learn to avoid negative emotions, not to succumb to passions that interfere with a sober view of circumstances and can ruin your life. With the help of meditation, a person plunges into a state of calmness and attains harmony with himself.

Don't lose it. Subscribe and receive a link to the article in your mail.

“Courage, hard work, self-control

and intellectual effort is the basis

for a successful life ".

Theodore Roosevelt

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear about self-control? Perhaps the image of a martial arts warrior - calm, focused and in control of himself and his life. Or, you can imagine a person who plans his life, has self-discipline and achieves his goals. Be that as it may, you will be right in any case - this is a wonderful skill and everyone should learn it.

Think about which of the above benefits you show consistently. Do you feel like you are in control and confident about your future? Do you know how to manage your emotions? Most likely your answer will be this - you can do all this, but only sometimes. If so, take four important steps to help you develop self-control.

What does it mean to be able to control yourself?

If you know how to control yourself, this means that you have the ability to control yourself in any situation and consciously move towards your goals. You are clearly aware of them, have self-discipline and are as focused as possible. It also means managing your emotions, thoughts, impulses and actions to get you on track.

Think of people you know who can't control themselves. Most likely they are impulsive and reckless. They make the wrong conclusions, lose their temper, yell at other people and are completely unable to be patient. They are unpredictable and not credible.

Goals

The development of self-control begins with. Think of people who are highly self-disciplined. There is a great chance that they are clearly aware of their merits, have the right goals and all actions are directed towards their achievement.

Set short and long term goals for yourself. For the former, you need motivation, for the latter, discipline. Remember that they should be clear and easy to measure, and every right step increases your in yourself and kills.

Attitude and emotions

Dealing with negative situations and managing emotions are critical skills for self-control. If you often lose your temper, then you do not control your own mood and make a lot of mistakes both in work and in relations with others.

Focus on something positive every day. Numerous unpleasant events are possible in your life, but they should not affect your psyche and your decisions. Be for what you already have. Almost everyone has the ability to exaggerate colors, so change your attitude to what is happening, to what you cannot change. Even if you do not like your job, do not even think about it at home or when you are on vacation.

Avoid self-sabotage because it erodes your confidence and prevents you from achieving your goals. If you notice this behavior, change the direction of your thoughts. Think about something positive and inspiring.

On a piece of paper, describe the situations that led to negative and destructive thoughts. Next, write down the emotions you experienced while doing this, and list your automatic responses. It is the automatic reactions that are the problem for most people. They instantly react to criticism with anger, and to conflict with apathy.

Develop emotional intelligence. Be always aware, determine what emotions you are experiencing at the moment, give them a clear definition. If you are angry, don't deny it and admit that you are angry. Watch the reactions of other people - this way you can notice the first signs of conflict and immediately extinguish it.

Strength of will

Think back to how many times you have set ambitious goals like learning English and never followed through. You lacked willpower and self-control. We always give up what we started when our mood spoils, we are upset about something and don't get what we want.

Willpower is extremely important for self-control because it pushes us forward and encourages us to act even when we are afraid or upset. Willpower is born in us when we see the big picture and understand that we need to put in a lot of effort in order to achieve a big goal in a year. Usually people concentrate on details and forget about the long-term benefits.

Willpower usually comes in explosions and consumes enormous amounts of energy. But once it becomes a habit, you can tackle the most difficult tasks without experiencing any emotional difficulties. Make sure your rational and emotional motives are in order. Development in oneself will also help. In the first weeks, you will have a difficult time, but after a month you will feel that you hardly spend any effort in order to complete the next task.

Concentration

Nothing pushes us back so much and makes us look like Sisyphus, as constant distractions. In addition, this leads to scattered attention and the fact that a person cannot concentrate for more than ten minutes. He reads a book and he wants to sleep, does work and gets bored. And then meaningless distractions come to the rescue, which entertain him and lead him away from the goal.

• How much time do you spend on unnecessary distractions per day?
• How much time do you spend surfing the internet that doesn't change your life?
• How much time do you spend on pauses? Taking rest is useful and correct, but if you are distracted every five minutes, it affects the results in a negative way.
• What could you achieve this day if you spent the previous five to the maximum benefit?

Concentrate on your tasks for one hour several times a day. Give yourself a little rest if you work one hour without distractions. Over time, you will be able to concentrate for longer periods and will be surprised to see how much easier it has become for you to get the job done and get to the bottom of the matter.

We wish you good luck!