How to overcome the heartache of love. How to get rid of heartache: helpful tips. What is heartache

It happens when the earth leaves from under our feet from the loss of a loved one: parting, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. How to live if the world is not the same? How to relieve the heartache if the dear relationship is not revived? Maybe be patient and wait?

The irreparable has already happened. The misfortune did not happen in the movies, but in real life. ?

Time cures?

It happens when the earth leaves from under our feet from the loss of a loved one: parting, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. The heart keeps the worries from the joint move to a new apartment, the birth of children or walks in the park. Do you remember the expression with which he rejoices, saddens or grumbles. You know how many sugar cubes he likes to add to tea. And suddenly the usual way is crossed out.

How to live if the world is not the same? How to calm down if a relationship dear to your heart cannot be revived? Maybe be patient and wait? Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology" offers another way - to understand the causes of mental pain with the help of psychoanalysis.

The word is first aid

Even years after the departure of a loved one, it can be painful to reread the letters addressed to you, in which he shared his innermost experiences. At best, the mental pain of parting - or betrayal, violence - dulls over the years. But you don't have to passively wait to be freed from emotional distress. Just the opposite. There is no time to waste in treating the pain of a mental wound.

The first aid in case of severe mental shock is to speak out.

There is an opinion that when a person has experienced stress, he should be left alone with feelings and "not to reopen the wound." In fact, to cope with mental pain, you need to immediately start talking to your loved one about what happened. Do not close emotions in yourself, do not hold back tears, do not suppress painful experiences. And not a single painful memory can be ignored.

If emotional suffering is associated with the fact that the person can no longer be returned, it is advisable to discuss as many happy moments and feelings associated with him as possible. Talk about his achievements and merits. Such memories will smooth out the bitterness of loss, making room for bright sadness.

It is important to speak out as early as possible after a traumatic event, otherwise negative experiences will be forced into the unconscious. If this happens, it will be more difficult to deal with the mental pain later.

It is important to observe safety precautions. Be serious when choosing a person for a sincere conversation. Make sure he takes care of your emotions, heartache.

This method can be regarded as first aid, like artificial respiration. When this remedy from the psychological "first aid kit" has completed its task, a person needs a resource to live on.

How to live on?

People can experience a difficult situation in different ways, and the consequences of losses manifest themselves differently depending on the characteristics of the human psyche.

Emotional suffering

There are people for whom the severance of the emotional connection is especially painful. System-vector psychology defines them as representatives.

Emotions are important for people with this type of psyche. In one hour, they can experience the whole gamut of experiences from fear to love. They strive to build emotional bonds with people with whom they can exchange hidden feelings or give warmth of the soul.

The loss of emotional connections makes their soul ache. Due to unbearable suffering, visual people after an experienced trauma can close, avoid further showing feelings. By doing this, they are driving themselves into a trap. After all, then they do not fully realize the abilities inherent in nature, which means to a large extent they also lose the ability to experience the joy of life.

It happens the other way around, when, due to mental pain, it is difficult for them to cope with emotions. Restrain feelings beyond strength. Sobbing comes, reality is hardly realized from emotional overexcitement. From such splashes, my hands are shaking, my head is broken. Emptiness and melancholy replaces.

Such states can be the result of fear. It serves as a starting point for development in all people with a visual vector. Normally, in an adult, the emotion of fear is redirected to empathy, but in situations of severe stress, it happens that habitual response skills are washed away by a wave of a broken dam. Then the root fear of death can be exposed. It is not always realized and can be expressed at the level of psychosomatics, including panic attacks.

Guilt

This condition is caused by the peculiarities of the psyche of the anal vector. Friendship and family for such people is sacred. If they are sure that they hurt a loved one, then they strongly reproach themselves for it. Self-criticism is fueled by the innate tenacious memory of the anal vector. She firmly captures the details of the past, even if you don't want to remember them at all. And if there is no way to fix the past? A person may be stuck in a state of guilt for a long time and not know how to build his life further. The situation will change if you find a way to make amends by caring for those in need.

Loneliness

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-vector psychology»

Francois Guizot

Perhaps there are people in this world who have never experienced mental pain in their lives. However, I will not be mistaken if I say that most of us are familiar with this pain well enough, since in our life such events often occur that cause this pain. Mental pain is pain that is very difficult to describe in words. One can only more or less intelligibly describe the emotions and sensations associated with it, and even then, basically it is good to do it only when the pain in the soul subsides a little. Meanwhile, like any other pain, mental pain gives us considerable discomfort. After all, when such pain overcomes you, then you simply stop perceiving the world as it is, it becomes gloomy and lifeless for you, your whole previous life collapses, everything around loses all meaning, you have no strength for anything, and you just you don't know where to get away from this pain - even climb the wall, even howl like a wolf. Heartache, friends, affects our whole life, and not just some particular part of it. And therefore, until we study, understand and ultimately experience our mental pain, we will not be able to return to a normal full-fledged life, which gives pleasure, and does not force us to suffer.

In this article, I would like to approach the topic of mental pain from a side that is not entirely familiar to most people. I will not talk too much about why it occurs and how to deal with it, and so much has been said about this. Instead, I want to tell you about the benefits of heartache. You know, over the years I began to look at everything that I had actively struggled with using psychological methods, with great patience and understanding. Maybe I became wiser, maybe just calmer and more judicious, or maybe my understanding of certain things just became deeper. Be that as it may, but our life clearly shows us that nothing just happens in it, everything has not only a reason, but also some purpose and a certain meaning. Only we do not always notice this meaning.

What is the point of heartache? Well, firstly, like any other pain - it is designed to draw our attention to something. Secondly, it is a call to certain actions, for the accomplishment of which a person needs to properly rethink his whole life. He, as it were, needs to reboot his brains in order to get rid of all his old and sometimes completely ineffective ideas about life. And thirdly, and this is the most important thing, if you are experiencing mental pain, it means that you have a soul, a living, sensitive soul that makes you human. And if you can also see and feel someone else's heartache, then you are simply a saint. So your heartache tells you that you are not a callous person, you are not an automaton that works according to a strictly set program and does not have a soul - you are a living person, you perceive life more fully, you feel it not only with your body, but and soul. And this is good, this is very good, because the more fully we perceive life, the more joy we can experience in it. But at the same time there is more grief, more suffering, more pain, since one cannot exist without the other.

So, let's think about what our heartache wants to draw our attention to when we experience it. After all, if the soul hurts, it means that something in our life is going wrong, but what exactly is the question. I believe that first of all, we need to pay attention to ourselves if we are experiencing mental pain. Not on other people, not on those who have offended us in some way, not on circumstances that do not develop in the best way for us, but on ourselves. After all, something is clearly wrong with us if we are suffering. It is with us, and not with someone else. So I noticed many times, including myself, that we constantly hang on something, on some convictions, some aspirations, often meaningless, some dubious values \u200b\u200bthat slow us down and knock us off the right course. ... We often believe that our life should develop in a certain way, and we are confident that this or that scenario of our life is the only true one for us. And when our expectations are not met, we get terribly upset, begin to experience mental pain, fall into depression and slowly eat ourselves up. Familiar feeling? We love to live according to a certain scenario, which we ourselves come up with, or someone comes up with it for us. And this is a problem for us. We, and not someone else, make our soul suffer, because we expect from life a certain conformity to our desires.

Especially other people often make us very upset by not living up to our expectations and not meeting our requirements. But after all, it is our soul that hurts, it is we who make demands on other people, on life and even on ourselves. This means that you need to pay attention to yourself first of all, when pain torments our soul. We ourselves are to blame for the fact that we are locked in some kind of our own, sometimes very limited world, which, if it does not correspond to reality, becomes hell for our soul. And we just drown in this hell, because we condemn everyone and everything, including ourselves, instead of just trying to understand - should everything really be the way we want it to be, or maybe let life be the way it should be, and remain an outside observer? Sometimes, it's better not to want anything and not go anywhere, but just watch how life develops and enjoy it.

And only our fixation on a certain scenario of our life forces us to experience mental pain, instead of enjoying everything that happens in our life. Therefore, life makes us sober from time to time, allowing us to stop and think how correct our worldview, our choice, our goals, our desires, our life path are. Let's think about how a person's life should be in order to meet his desires and needs? Which one? Yes, we do not even really know this. Perhaps it is worth paying attention to what demands life makes on us, and not ourselves? After all, often, I will not say that always, but very often - certain changes in our life and even tragedies that at first make us suffer and experience mental pain - subsequently turn out to be not so much the end of something old, that is, not so much loss, as much as the beginning of something new, that is, an acquisition. Simply put, all sorts of changes in life turn out to be a blessing for us. As they say, everything that happens is for the best. Perhaps not all, but certainly a lot. Therefore, my opinion is that we all need to listen and look closely to our natural essence and to our inner voice in order to understand in which direction we should move. And sometimes you have to let go of the reins of life at all, giving them to life itself, resigning yourself to how it develops. Otherwise, our consciousness will be stuck at a crossroads where reality diverges from our fantasies. So you do not need to be limited to one thing, trying to see your happiness only in this and in nothing else. Of course, there are concepts developed over the centuries that tell us how and for what we should live, but I believe that each person should learn to listen first of all to himself, and only then to the outside world. In addition, different roads lead to the same goals, and we are all in different positions from birth, so each of us has his own destiny. Consequently, the broader you look at life, the more different goals and different paths that lead to these goals, you begin to notice, the less grounds for the occurrence of mental pain you will have. And sometimes you just need to embrace the unknown and accept life as it is, so as not to worry about anything. I repeat - everything originates within us - both joy and pain.

Thus, if something happened in your life that caused you severe mental pain, and it is often associated with other people, then I advise you not to rush to get rid of it, I advise you to listen to her and understand that she is trying to you to tell. Do not rush to a decision, heartache is not pain from a burn in order to make a reflexive decision - think about what is going wrong in your life, where you may have been mistaken, what decisions were wrong, what expectations did not come true? You are on the verge of something new and important, something in your life must change. Therefore, think, think carefully - what prospects does your pain point to you? And they, believe me, are always there. There is no such suffering, there is no such pain that would not open up new opportunities for us. But in order to use them, you cannot ignore the pain, you need to comprehend it. Mental pain goes away very quickly, if you do not focus your attention on it, but pay it to what it consists of. People usually ask the question - how to cope with mental pain, or how to get rid of mental pain, but for some reason few people are interested in the question - why did it arise? And this, I think, is a much more important question. Even the cause of the pain is not as important as its purpose. After all, when a person has a toothache, there is no point in thinking about why it happened, you will think about it later, but at the moment you should think about what needs to be done to get rid of this pain. With our soul, things are the same, if it hurts, then we should look forward, not backward, into the future, and not into the past. Yes, of course, with the help of psychoanalysis, you can dig deeper into your past and find in it the cause of your suffering, in order to then correct these reasons. But such an approach to a person will allow him to return to the present, to the old life, albeit calm, but old, while mental pain is aimed more at changing our life, it opens the door for us to a new life.

Learn to receive not only benefit but also pleasure from mental pain. But don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the fact that pain itself should give you pleasure, it just shouldn't be, you and I are not spiritual masochists, pain for us is not an end in itself, there is no need to strive for it, otherwise you yourself drive yourself into a dead end of suffering, from which it will then be very difficult to get out. You need to get pleasure from the understanding that this pain changes you and your life, that it gives you a taste of life, it allows you to learn more about it. It is hard on your soul, your heart is aching - immerse yourself in these experiences, experience these sensations, feel with all your being all the grains of your suffering. It's okay to suffer a little, it gives life a taste, albeit bitter and salty, but still taste. The stronger your suffering, the more joy you will experience when your life changes. And it will definitely change, suffering is not eternal, life is a striped thing and a dark stripe is always followed by a light one. Moreover, what is important - the dark stripe appears only against the background of the light one. That is, without suffering, without pain, without worries - you will not be able to experience great joy, you simply will not appreciate the pleasure that can be experienced not only from something good, but also from the absence of something bad in your life. It's like you know when your shoes are too tight and you feel uncomfortable, even painful, but you know that now you will come home, take them off, put on your favorite slippers and you will feel very good. And this is the anticipation of relief, joy, comfort, bliss, thanks to which the release of endorphins occurs - makes you happy. So that's what pleasure I'm talking about. The path to joy and happiness is through pain and suffering.

However, I must say that some people are too addicted to this - they poison their souls, drowning in suffering and pain, not anticipating anything good and therefore not striving for anything good. They begin to live with their pain, driving themselves into a dead end and, as it were, stop the scenario of their life. They have no joy and happiness behind pain and suffering, they have only pain. Now this is an extreme, or better to say, freezing, similar to the one that happens to people in psychotrauma, only it, this freezing, is on a conscious, not unconscious level. Simply put, some people start to like suffering. For them, mental pain is a kind of comfort zone, no matter how contradictory it may sound. Now I will not talk about why this happens, this is a topic for another article. I will only say that in order to get rid of addiction to suffering and pain, you need to feel the taste of joy and happiness, that is, you need to try to look beyond the black strip of life in order to feel all the merits of the light strip. Nobody really wants to suffer forever, just some people forget about how to live a full life, in which there is not only pain and suffering, but also joy, pleasure, happiness. Such people lose the habit of good things, therefore they cease to strive for it, and therefore to get pleasure from everything good. But it is worth pulling them out of the swamp in which they are bogged down and their life will start moving forward again.

In general, any pain makes us wiser. We begin to understand a lot when we experience some kind of pain, be it mental or physical. We understand the causal relationships that lead to this or that pain and begin to take them into account when making decisions and performing certain actions. Provided, of course, that the person learns from his experience. The heartache of love, which teaches people to love, is especially helpful. After all, the emotional pain after parting always, well, or in most cases, makes us reconsider our attitude towards people, it teaches us to love those who are really worthy of love, and not those who just seem attractive and interesting. I will tell you this, dear readers, relying on my experience of working with people - the best, most reliable, happiest relationships are created mainly by those people who have experienced unhappy, painful relationships, who, as they say, have suffered in their lives. And only the strong mental pain that they experienced made them appreciate what they have or those whom they had not noticed before. So only a person left at a broken trough is able to look at life and at himself more wisely, therefore, pain, in particular, mental pain - we need as a cure for immaturity and unreasonableness.

But in the final analysis, mental pain must be experienced; it cannot be dwelling on it for a long time. Is it hard, sad, painful for you? - Cry, suffer for a while, torture as much as necessary to make it easier, and then wipe away your tears, pull yourself together and again into battle. A monstrously interesting life awaits you, friends. You definitely need to experience, try, feel, experience, do a lot, so do not waste your time in vain. It is better to think about what you are living for, look into the future as far as possible and outline a great goal for yourself, then nothing will stop you on the way to it. And the pain, the pain will pass. There would be something for her to pass. As Friedrich Nietzsche said: “If a person has a“ why ”to live, he can endure any“ how ”." After all, what is mental pain, in comparison with the greatness of the meaning of life, which penetrates a person to the depths of his soul, if he has this meaning. I don’t want to sound overly self-confident, but sometimes I am absolutely convinced that I could cure any mental illness in any person, with the help of only one meaning of life, which I just needed to help him find.

Please take into account, dear readers, that no pain, including mental, and especially mental, is not a tragedy, not the end of life, this is not a reason to torture yourself at all - it is rather an incentive to give up something. then old and start something new. I do not know what will become new for you, in your life, but I know that the pain in your soul will definitely lead you to this, if you use it as a guide at the crossroads of your life, and do not let it use you. Everything in life must be experienced - joy and sorrow, and love, and pain, and happiness, and suffering. But you can't stop at anything, you always need to follow on in order to truly live. Because life is multifaceted, you cannot feel it to the end and you cannot enjoy it to the fullest if you reject something that it offers you to experience. Therefore, do not fill your head with thoughts of how to calm your heartache, just go through it. And in order not to stop, not to hang on it - look into your future and look at all that beautiful and interesting that awaits you in it and what you can come to when your pain passes.

Mental pain, suffering - every person experienced this torment. Resentment from betrayal, betrayal, injustice, grief, melancholy - all these feelings are associated with pain that cannot be removed with the help of drugs.

Unfortunately, many people find themselves trapped in addictions in an effort to escape the pain that torments them. This applies to alcohol, drugs, gambling addiction.

Running away from problems is the lot of the weak. It sounds corny, but it is. Most people who are inclined not to take responsibility for their lives, looking for the cause of failure and mental discomfort from the outside, cannot survive the slightest pain and do everything not to feel it, which only exacerbates the situation.

On the other hand, mental pain pushes creative people to create masterpieces, for example, the most beautiful poems were written in a state of mental anguish, looking for a way out.

What to do when the soul hurts?

Let's look at several possible situations in which torment arises and try to understand how mental wounds can be healed.

Hidden benefit

Psychological work with a problem begins with establishing its cause. If you are dealing with people who are constantly "hitting" you may not need psychotherapy. It will be enough to change your environment. But if you deliberately find yourself next to such people over and over again, it makes sense to think about why you need it. What pushes you to such "self-torture"? Is there some hidden benefit for you?

It is very often the cause of severe mental pain. In this case, the treatment will be useless as long as there is a need to achieve hidden goals. In order to identify them and revise them.

Grief

Another common cause of mental pain is a prolonged experience, for example, from a person or from the loss of a close relative.

In these cases, the help of a psychologist is often needed, but the person himself can take steps to get rid of the problem.

First, you don’t need to feed your memories by looking at pictures of people who have departed or listening to sad music. Secondly, try to shift your attention to new activities, do what you like best, and most importantly, do not be alone.

When experiencing grief, there is a period when you need to endure the acute pain, let it go. A psychotherapist can help with this. If you are unable to forget the deceased person, try to mentally talk to him and say goodbye. Left alone, light a candle, think about who has left, release him internally, deciding to continue living. It often takes real courage to make this choice.

Body stress

Any phenomena of our consciousness, one way or another, manifest themselves at the bodily level. Acute mental pain results in areas of tension, or muscle tightness, in the body. For example, a hunched over, tense back, "hardened" shoulders, clenched jaws. Such manifestations are the result of restraint. Movement frees the body, returns life to it, and, as a result, the mental pain ceases to be unbearable, it “dissolves” and gradually goes away. Try to move more, walk, play sports, even if at first it will be difficult for you to force yourself to devote time to this. This will help you deal with the pain.

Working with restraint

One often hears: "Do not keep your grief in yourself, speak out, it will become easier for you." This is indeed the case. At the initial stage, a person needs to release negative emotions and share experiences with loved ones. If you have no one to talk to, you can do a simple job: take a piece of paper and write on it what worries you, torments you, from which your soul hurts. If you write sincerely and don't hold back, you will quickly feel relieved. This work is useful in that it helps to better understand oneself, and external experiences no longer seem so scary and insurmountable. By the way, after completing the work, it is recommended to destroy the leaflet. For example, it can be burned. This symbolic action will help you let go of negative emotions.

Defeat

Mental pain can also be caused by the experience of defeat in a business that is very important to a person. In this case, the memories come back again and again, a feeling of shame arises, thoughts of how to act are tormented. Such a state of mind will be cured if a person finds the reason for his defeat and builds a different course of action. It is necessary to stop self-digging and understand what led to failure, and what qualities in oneself need to be changed in order to avoid this in the future.

In general, the psychology of experiencing is built on looking for support in your mind, and only then working with feelings. is the master of himself and his life, which allows him to experience negative emotions without being captured by them. In addition, having learned to think and correctly build our life, we begin to work for the future, eliminating the appearance of mental pain and developing resilience in the face of a variety of life circumstances.

Heartache allows for new experiences and maturity. The main thing is not to be afraid to live in the present in its entirety, rejoicing, grieving, suffering, learning lessons and achieving new victories. After all, we all came to this world to experience the fullness of being, and not to hide in a cocoon of experiences. Think about it, you can live and move forward continuously, or you can "relive", that is, stay in place while life passes by. The choice is yours.

Sometimes we love a person so much that it leaves deep wounds in our soul. The pain of being rejected is no less than physical pain. And it doesn't really matter if your boyfriend offered to break up after a long relationship or a new acquaintance refused to go on a date with you. Healing mental wounds is a very long process, but you need to gather your strength and go on a long journey towards a rejuvenated self.

Steps

Part 1

Give yourself time

1. Allow yourself to feel sad. Heart wounds are always painful. You cannot ignore the fact that your experiences are causing you suffering. This means that you have to give yourself time to get through the emotions that come with heartache. Through these feelings, your brain literally tells you how badly the incident has hurt you. There is no need to artificially suppress these emotions in yourself.

   • Create a healing space. You need time and place to relive your emotions and let your bitter feelings go free. When you are overcome with heartache, try to find a quiet place where you can deal with the surge of emotion that sweeps over you. Sometimes it is enough to go for a walk, retire in your room, or just make yourself a cup of aromatic tea.
   • When a person experiences mental pain, he goes through certain stages of this process, during which he experiences feelings such as anger, pain, grief, anxiety, fear and acceptance of what happened. Sometimes you may feel like you are literally drowning in your own emotions, but if you can determine exactly how you go through each stage of the experience, it will help you get through the healing process easier and a little faster.
   • Try not to drown in your despair. There is a clear difference between simply giving yourself time to experience emotions and being completely overwhelmed by them. If you find yourself staying at home for weeks, forgetting to take a shower, and life seems meaningless to you, you should seek professional psychological help as soon as possible. These are signs that your grief process is too difficult for you to deal with on your own.

2. Live for today. If you want to deal with all emotions at once and get rid of the heartache immediately, you are surely setting yourself an impossible task. Instead, move from one stage to the next gradually, and always live for today.

   • A good way to focus on a specific moment in your own life is to try to live in the present. When you catch yourself thinking over and over again in the past, stop yourself. Look around: what do you see now? what smell do you smell? What color is the sky above your head? what are your fingers touching? and the wind blows in your face?
   • Don't start coming up with a grand plan to forget the person who broke your heart. On the contrary, if you focus on how to deal with your grief, it will happen by itself.

3. Indifference. When the relationship is over or rejected, you will likely feel like a huge hole has suddenly opened up inside you. A huge black hole that consumes all the happiness from your life. At this point, many people make the mistake of trying to immediately fill this hole with something, because they cannot bear this excruciating sensation. Yes, this feeling hurts you a lot, and you have the right to feel emptiness inside.

   • Create a space for yourself where your ex is not. Delete his phone number and you won't be able to text him when you've had too much to drink. Add him to the "black list" on all social networks, otherwise you will find one day that you are looking at new photos in his account all night long. Don't ask mutual friends how your ex is doing. The more clearly you understand that the breakup has happened completely, the easier it will be for you to heal after it.
   • Don't try to immediately fill the void left by broken love. This is one of the most common mistakes people make when trying to heal their wounds. When you try to immediately start a new relationship so that you can stop feeling pain and fill the void left by the previous feeling, it doesn't really help you get through the necessary stages of experiencing loss. Your unlived negative feelings will sooner or later return to you, but they will become even stronger and more painful.

4. Tell us about it. You need to make sure you have reliable support to deal with your heartache. The strong support of your friends and family, and even your therapist, will help you get back on your feet sooner than anything else. Of course, close people will not fill the void left in your soul by your loved one, but they can help you better cope with this void.

   • Find a close friend or relative with whom you can talk about your experiences, especially on long, lonely evenings. Try to find a person, or people, who can give you emotional support to make up for the loss of support you received from your partner in the ended relationship. Ask your friends to let them call them whenever you feel an overwhelming urge to talk to the person you are currently trying to get rid of.
   • A diary can be incredibly helpful in this situation. Not only is it a good way to let your feelings go, especially if you don't want to place the burden of your suffering on your friends, it is also an effective way to gauge your progress. After rereading old notes, you will suddenly realize that nowadays you are much less reminiscing about your ex or notice that you feel like going on dates again (In fact, not just to "fill the void inside, left by broken love").
   • Sometimes you may need to talk with a psychologist or psychotherapist. There is no shame in seeking professional help!

5. Get rid of things that bring up memories. If you constantly bump into objects that evoke memories of past love, it will only slow down your healing process. Don't keep in the closet the old house pants that your ex used to wear after work, get rid of that junk.

   • There is no need to ritual burn anything that reminds you of past relationships, especially if these things can be given to people who need them. But you must definitely remove these things from your life, one way or another. In addition, depending on how bad your breakup was, ritualistic burning of things can unleash a barrage of feelings that were previously locked in your heart.
   • Take a thing and try to remember what exactly you associate with it. Then, imagine putting those memories in a balloon. When you get rid of the thing, imagine that the ball flies far, far away, and will never bother you again.
   • If you have any valuable things left in good condition, you can donate them to charity. In this case, you can imagine how much joy this thing will bring to the new owner.

6. Help other people. If you start helping others, especially those who have the same feelings as you, you can take a break from your own experiences. It also means that you are not drowned in your own suffering and self-pity.

   • Take time to listen to your friends and help them if they are having difficulty. Don't just focus on your own heartache. Tell your friends that they can always count on you to listen and help if they need to.
   • Volunteer. Find work at a homeless shelter or charity canteen. Offer your help at rehab centers or animal shelters.

7. Unleash your imagination. You will imagine your ex coming back to you and talking about how stupid he was to let you go. You can imagine in detail how you are hugging and kissing this person, imagine in detail your closeness. Such fantasies are completely normal.

   • The more you try to stop your imagination, the more often such thoughts will occur to you. When you try not to think about something, especially if you yourself have imposed this strict limitation on yourself, in fact, you only think about it all the time.
   • Set aside a special time when you allow yourself to fantasize so you don't spend all of your time in an imaginary world. For example, you can set yourself 15 minutes a day during which you can think that your ex wants to be with you again. If these thoughts occur to you at a different time, put them aside until the allotted time for fantasies arrives. You do not refuse to think about it, you just put off these thoughts for later.

   Part 2

   The beginning of the healing process

   1. Avoid anything that provokes memories. If you have already gotten rid of all the things that evoke memories, as described in the first part of the article, this will help you avoid such moments. However, there are other things that you should keep in mind. Of course, you will not be able to avoid them completely, but at least try not to look for them on purpose. This will help you recover faster.

      • The occasion can be anything from the song you played on your first date to the little cafe where you spent so much time together preparing for your exams. It might even smell.
      • You may encounter this even when you do not expect it at all. If this happened, determine what exactly triggered your memories, and what kind of memories this factor caused. Then try to switch to something else. Don't dwell on these feelings and memories. For example, when you stumble across a shared photo of you on Facebook, admit to yourself that you feel sad and regretful about it, and then try to think of something good, or at least neutral. You might be thinking about a new dress to wear tomorrow, or having a kitten.
      • This does not mean that you should try with all your might to avoid such moments that provoke memories. You cannot do this. All you have to do is try to face as little as possible the things that traumatize you and make you regret the past. You need to get your mental wounds to heal.

   2. Good music will help you heal faster. Music has been shown to have a therapeutic effect and help speed up the healing process. Listen to cheerful, energetic songs. Scientific studies have shown that when you listen to this kind of music, endorphins are released in your body, which can help you to perk up and fight stress.

      • Try not to include sentimental, romantic love songs. This kind of music won't help your brain release endophins. On the contrary, such songs will only intensify your sadness and stir up spiritual wounds.
      • When you find yourself feeling sad again, it's time to put on some energetic music to cheer you up. If you turn on dance music, you can simultaneously get endorphins from listening to cheerful music and energetic dance moves.

   3. Take a break from the heartache. After you've gone through the initial stage of giving yourself the opportunity to grieve and deal with your emotions, it's time to take your mind off unpleasant thoughts. When you start thinking about your ex, do something, try to switch your thoughts to something else, come up with some new activity, etc.

      • Call those friends who said you can always count on them if you need help. Read the book you've wanted to read for a long time. Play a hilarious comedy (and get an added bonus because laughter helps you heal).
      • The more you do to not think about your ex and your heartache, the faster you will feel better. Of course, this is difficult. It is very difficult to control your thoughts all the time and keep track of how much time you spend thinking about your heartache.
      • Try not to get carried away with "pain relievers." It could be something that allows you to stop feeling pain for a while. Sometimes you really need something to give yourself a break from your heartache. Be careful, however, that such distractions do not hurt you, especially in the beginning when you need to learn how to deal with negative experiences. Alcohol or drugs can act as such "pain reliever", but it can also be continuous TV viewing or constant presence on the Internet. Or even food you eat just to feel calmer.

   4. Change your lifestyle. One of the problems you are facing is that the habitual way of life that was formed when you were together was suddenly destroyed. If you start doing something new and change your lifestyle, it will open the door to new habits. There will be no room in your new life for the person who broke your heart.

      • You don’t need to change your life drastically to get rid of old habits. Do simple things like go shopping on Saturday morning instead of lounging in bed. try listening to music in a new style or discover a new hobby like karate or floriculture.
      • Try not to make radical changes in your life before you have carefully weighed the pros and cons. Especially try to avoid drastic changes in the beginning, immediately after the breakup. If enough time has passed and you want to show that you are really changing, then it's time to get something like a new tattoo or shave your hair bald.
      • If you have the opportunity to take a short vacation, take a trip. Even if you go on a weekend to some new city for you, it will help you take a fresh look at what happened.

   5. Don't hinder your own healing. Of course, there are relapses from time to time when you try to recover from a failed relationship. This is normal, it is also part of the healing process. But there are some things that you can foresee and thus prevent them from throwing you back on your journey to a new life.

      • Pay attention to the words you usually use. When you say, "Monstrous!" or "Terrible" or "Nightmare!", you continue to see the world in black. This creates negative thinking. If you cannot think positively, try to at least stick to neutral language. For example, instead of saying, "It's over forever!", Say "This breakup was very painful for me, but I will do my best to deal with it."
      • Try not to embarrass yourself. You don't have to drive past your ex's house every night and see if he has found a mate. Try not to call or text your ex while you're drinking. Such things only hinder your progress.
      • Remember that everything changes in this world. Your feelings today will be very different in a week, month, or year. We promise that the time will come when you can calmly remember this period of your life without experiencing pain.

   Part 3

   Accept what happened

   1. Stop blaming. An important part of your healing and acceptance is realizing that it is useless to blame yourself or another person. What happened, what happened, so you can't do or say anything to change what happened, so what's the use of blaming.

      • Try to find good feelings towards the other person. It doesn't matter what exactly he did or didn't do, try to find compassion in your heart for him and for what is happening to him. This does not mean that you should immediately forgive him, it only means that you will stop being angry with the person.
      • On the other hand, don't blame yourself. You can admit and ponder what exactly you did wrong in a previous relationship, and promise yourself that you will not repeat past mistakes in the future. But don't waste time worrying about your own mistakes over and over again.

   2. Feel when you are ready to move forward. It takes different times for people to heal from mental pain. It is impossible to name a specific period of time that will be right for you, but there are signs by which you can determine that you are moving in the right direction.

      • You no longer worry if you find on your phone several missed calls from an unfamiliar number.
      • You have ceased to represent in colors the scene that your ex returns to you and begs you for forgiveness on his knees.
      • You stopped finding associations with your life in films and songs about unhappy love. You notice that now you enjoy reading and listening to things that have nothing to do with this topic.

   3. Try to understand who you really are. There is one thing that usually goes unnoticed while in a relationship with someone, and in the first stage of grief after the relationship ends. This is the ability to be yourself. For a long time, you felt like a part of your couple, and then - someone who grieves over a lost relationship.

      • Work on your personal development, both external and internal. Play sports or change your appearance. Such things are great at helping to raise self-esteem, which must have suffered during the breakup. Determine what traits of your personality you need to work on. For example, if you tend to show passive aggression when you're in a bad mood, try to work on finding healthier ways to show your anger.
      • Develop personality traits that reflect your identity. When you spend all of your time with another person or trying to deal with the aftermath of a breakup, you tend to pay less attention to your personal interests. Try to rebuild relationships with people you didn't have enough time to communicate with during the relationship and after the breakup, and again do what you really care about.
      • Try something new. It can help you meet new people who never met the person who broke your heart. Learning new things can help your brain take its mind off the pain and start living in the present.

   4. Try not to go back to the past. You do not want to interfere with the healing process of your mental wounds, so do not do anything that will provoke your mental suffering again. Sometimes this cannot be completely avoided, but you can try to minimize the risk.

      • Don't let this person appear in your life too quickly, or at all. You will only dissolve your own mental wounds and feel your unhappiness with the same acuteness. Sometimes you can't stay friends with your ex.
      • If you did, don't despair. The work that you have done to heal from mental wounds has not been wasted. You will win anyway. Do not give up. When it comes to relationships, everyone has experienced relapses of heart pain in one way or another.

   5. Do what brings you joy. When you do something that brings you joy and happiness, you trigger a rise in dopamine levels in the brain. It is a chemical that helps a person feel happy and deal with stress (levels can rise to critical levels following a breakup).

      • Do something that doesn't bring up the memory of your ex. Start doing something new, or return to hobbies that you abandoned when you were in a relationship.
      • Learn to be happy. People are more willing to communicate with those who are happy, because happy people help others to feel happiness too. Of course, you can't bring yourself to feel happy all the time, but try to do the things that bring joy and live the life that makes you feel happy.
      • Reward yourself for every little victory. If you've never thought about your ex all day, reward yourself with a delicious cocktail or a slice of cake.
   • Continue to love yourself, even if it seems overwhelming to you. In the long run, it will make you stronger.
   • By helping other people, you are helping yourself. Give people good advice and don't show negative feelings.
   • A good joke will make you laugh even during this difficult time. Even if you find it inappropriate to have fun at such a moment, laugh and life will be a little happier!

   Warnings

   • Don't just rely on our advice. If you feel that you have become worse, consider, perhaps, you need professional psychological help.
   • You don't need to hurt yourself, even if you feel like you've lost the love of your life.

Last updated article 19.07.2018

Mental pain is the discomfort that a person feels inside himself, but it is not interconnected with any organ. Therefore, there is no medicine to eliminate such a disorder.

The severity of unpleasant sensations in all people is different, as well as reactions to a mental wound. Some, trite, reduce torment with the help of alcoholic beverages, while others run away from reality on the Internet.

A specialist psychotherapist will tell you how to cope with mental pain with minimal consequences for psychological and physical health. However, not everyone will go to the doctor for help, trying to solve the problem on their own. Thus, only aggravating the situation.

Development mechanism

Mental pain is a person's emotional reaction to a negative change in his usual way of life. Most often, it is preceded by a significant loss - the death of a loved one, betrayal or loss of social status.

A rapidly arising negative emotion, according to its assessment, is regarded by a person as a significant experience for him - a deep emotional feeling. It is of great importance for the full-fledged formation of the personality, being a significant link in psychological activity.

Most experts attribute mental suffering to subjective feelings. However, modern studies have made it possible to refute this statement - in the images obtained using magnetic resonance imaging, foci of activation in the limbic system of the brain are clearly visible, as a response to the inflicted moral trauma.

In addition, severe mental pain can be perceived by a person as psychogenic - felt by him at the physical level. For example, pain impulses in the region of the heart, head, abdomen. It is not possible to establish the relationship with somatic pathologies, as well as to confirm them with instrumental examinations. Therefore, no medicines are able to cope with mental anguish. Only a highly qualified psychotherapist can help.

Causes

Mental anguish can appear for other reasons:

• a constant feeling of fear - living in a family with an accentuated personality prone to physical violence;
• long-term suppressed emotions of anger - a highly paid job under the guidance of a personally hostile leadership, when the "tyrant boss" gives directly contradictory instructions, demanding to perform such a volume of duties that is beyond the power of one person, as a result, and is formed in conjunction with mental suffering;
• deficiency in the body of certain chemicals - neurotransmitters, which can be expressed by hyperexcitation of brain structures, depletion of their ability to compensate;
• a failure in the activity of endocrine organs, provoking the constant production of hormones of anxiety and stress - hyperthyroidism, pheochromocytoma;
• self-obsession of a person on his own troubles, - looking at photographs of a deceased close relative, returning to memories of happy moments in the past;
• subconsciously existing need for gain - mental pain serves only to disguise the selfish motives of a person, the desire to receive material benefits from others or increased attention in response to the demonstrated torment of the soul.

Putting everything in its place - to establish the true reasons for the deteriorating health and suggest how to get rid of mental pain, only a competent psychotherapist can do.

Pain in the soul can also arise from parting with a loved one. : psychiatrist's recommendations.

Symptoms

Many people describe their negative emotions and worries this way: for them, mental pain is an unpleasant, intense feeling of constant melancholy and excruciating inner suffering.

At the peak of psychological discomfort, physical disorders may even appear - asthenia with persistent dizziness, migraines, palpitations and nausea, or sleep disturbance, lack of appetite.

In some people, the mental pain of love, or rather its loss, may even exceed in severity and intensity the sensations of a burn, injury, or a broken leg. The situation is aggravated by the fact that it is necessary to hide your feelings from others, to maintain a "social face".

Latent internal processes can result in the following somatic signs and physiological symptoms:

• a feeling of pressure behind the breastbone;
• a fossil somewhere in the chest, head;
• unpleasant constant burning sensation, coldness in the chest;
• stitching, pressing impulses in the heart;
• discomfort, spasms in the intestines - the upper or lower abdomen, at a certain point;
• the constant presence of nausea - rolls in waves or is felt every minute;
• disorders in the cardiovascular system - slowing down of the pulse - bradycardia, or its increase - tachycardia, fluctuations in blood pressure parameters.

However, the physical manifestations of mental anguish, especially if they are not so clearly demonstrated, may be ignored by others, while emotional manifestations are more clearly tracked. Depression, depression of mood, apathy, anxiety, lack of interest in all current events, "stiffness", "numbness".

Sometimes sensations are so exotic that they can already be perceived as signs of psychopathies that have arisen - the heart was torn out of the chest, everything inside was torn and doused with blood.

How to deal with pain in your soul on your own

Since people are socially dependent beings, most often the pain in the soul arises from a break in relations with a loved one. Emotional disorder can be so intense that it affects the activity of internal organs - the heart, nervous system, gastrointestinal tract.

Mental experiences go through several stages, each of which will have its own emotions. The emotional pain after parting with a loved one begins with the stage of denial - an unwillingness to understand that the relationship is over. This is expressed in the constant return to thoughts about the beloved and the desire to see him.

Since no meetings take place, emotions move on to the next stage - resentment and hatred. The abandoned half strive to throw out the pain with a failure, taking revenge in all available ways. Such actions bring relief, but only for a short time. And only then comes the stage of accepting the gap, when emotional experiences lose their intensity, decrease.

To speed up the process of psychological recovery after breaking up with a loved one, experts have developed several recommendations on how to relieve mental pain at home:

• switch to other actions - do charity work, join a hobby group;
  visit art exhibitions, film premieres with friends more often;
• accept the breakup as a fact and end the relationship, getting rid of all things that may remind of past events;
• start attending a fitness center, swimming pool, gym - physical activity helps not only to relieve nervous tension, but also gives a feeling of joy, self-satisfaction;
• to restore old relationships with old friends and visit them - communication with once acquaintances, but people who have managed to forget, learning new events in their lives, all this helps to distract and experience mental discomfort.

There is no single scheme of how to survive mental pain - each person has to experience various methods and techniques of dealing with the torment of the soul, choosing the best option for himself.

If a person has mental suffering, it is necessary to carefully analyze the situation and his own feelings, to find out what could have caused them. So, family grief - the loss of a loved one, divorce, a serious illness, require a certain time interval to adapt to new circumstances. You should not rush or rush yourself.

Lacking special skills, many people, after listening to the advice of strangers, try to drive out of themselves mental discomfort, constantly recalling unpleasant events, "sprinkling salt" on the wounds of the soul.

Daily dramatization only exacerbates the frustration, not relieves the anguish. Subsequently, it takes much more time and effort to overcome mental anguish - it is better to just speak out once and try to accept the event in your life as it is.

Someone is simply exaggerating their own suffering - fighting with "windmills". Whereas after reassessing what is happening, you can understand that the troubles are quite solvable. They are only part of the complex mechanism of the universe, and against the background of the movement of planets in space, they are not at all significant for humanity. By minimizing your own troubles, it is much easier to deal with them.

It is imperative to believe in your own strength, in the possibility, that you will be able to “make friends” with the problem and overcome it. Having spent time on a thorough study of the situation - together with his best friend, a psychotherapist, having understood what exactly can be done, a person is thereby already taking steps for his mental recovery.

Another direction in the fight against mental discord is to reconsider your lifestyle. Active physical work helps to break out of the bottomless abyss of melancholy and depression - to carry out a long-planned repair in an apartment, start attending yoga classes, a swimming pool. Attention should also be paid to the diet - to enrich it with vegetables and fruits, useful microelements and vitamins. Sleep is an equally important component of health. It takes about 8-9 hours for the brain to be able to calm down and process everyday events.

Helping the soul to overcome discord is within the power of every person. You just need to set a similar goal for yourself, as well as listen to the opinion of experts in this field.