Averchenko general history. History processed by the satyricon. Provinces and estates

Middle Ages (Osip Dymov)

Introduction

It would be very difficult to study the history of peoples entirely, without any interruption, and therefore the wise nature took care to arrange a series of intervals that make it easier for an inquisitive mind to navigate. From time to time, nature, seeing that enough material, numbers and names have accumulated, and feeling that the thread of history begins to lengthen without measure, puts forward such events that, as it were, are milestones, edges, boundary stones that separate some long-gone times from others long ago. past times.

So it happened in the interval between the ancient and average history. It was all too clear that these two completely different eras needed a strict and sharply emphasized distinction. Therefore, in the era ending the ancient era and beginning the middle one, three great events happened: the establishment of the Christian religion within the Roman state, the beginning of the great migration of peoples and the fall of the Western Roman Empire. These three events, which happened one after another according to the wise order of nature, form, as it were, a "great change" separating one huge section of history from another.

In addition, it was felt that humanity needed a change in the situation. The lands lying around the Mediterranean Sea have already been exploited by ancient history. It would be both unfair and unreasonable to demand from mankind that it start a new section of history in those places and in those cities that have already had time to get bored. Here it might happen that new great sayings or sayings would be uttered by future kings and military leaders in the same places and along the banks of the same rivers where the old ones were born. This, no doubt, would have brought a certain confusion into the minds of posterity. Therefore, almost all the countries of Europe became the arena of middle history. For the convenience of the ongoing unrest, the European peoples broke up into two main parts: the Romano-Germanic world and the Greek-Slavic, and - no matter how insulting it is to us - the first group that accepted Christianity in the form of Roman Catholic, or Latin, plays the leading role in the history of the Middle Ages. churches.

The history of the Middle Ages is divided into three main periods. The similarity of all these periods is that in the first, and in the second, and in the third period they constantly fought. The difference lay in the aims for which the peoples fought; at the same time, however, it happened that wars had no purpose, but nevertheless were fought with unfailing courage and enthusiasm.

The first period extends until the final collapse of the monarchy of Charlemagne (end of the 9th century). Taking advantage of the fact that during this period no special events occurred, the fresh barbarian and Slavic peoples moved from the depths of Central and Eastern Europe to the south and west and laid the foundation for new states and new nationalities here. During this time, so many nationalities were mastered that the era could rightly be called "the era of national grunderism." In their ardor and inexperience, the newcomers barbarian peoples a few got carried away, grabbing over the edge, created too many superfluous nationalities. This popular ferment is known in history under the name of the Great Migration of Nations. Why, in fact, they moved and whether they felt bad at home - is not established. Who knows how long peoples would have moved and moved if it had not been for Charlemagne... He was tired of the eternal vacillation of peoples under his windows, and they kicked up incredible dust, and with his wars and institutions he forced them to sit down more or less calmly. But after him, the huge monarchy broke up into three parts: France, Germany and Italy. By a strange play of nature, this disintegration took place according to the three main nationalities, namely, the French turned out to be in France, the Germans in Germany, and the Italians in Italy.

The second period extends to the fall of the Hohenstaufen and the end of the Crusades. The main fights took place between:

1) popes and emperors;

2) between the Christian West and the Mohammedan East ( Crusades) and

3) between feudal lords and kings. In addition, there were fights in general.

The third period runs until the end of the 15th century and probably would have lasted even longer if Columbus, desperate to invent gunpowder, had not guessed to discover America. During this period, Christianity has already finally established itself; and it was time, because the next step was the Hundred Years War of the French and the British, brilliantly executed by both sides. Here it should be noted the liberation of the Iberian Peninsula from the rule of the Moors, Mongolian yoke in eastern Russia, the fall of Byzantium, the conquest of the Balkan Peninsula by the Turks and other bad things. Papal authority fell, and the sciences and arts immediately revived.

Migration of peoples and the fall of the Roman Empire

The Celts lived in the west of Europe, the Germans lived in the east, and the Slavs and Finns lived further to the east.

Unflattering things are told about the Celts by the famous everyday writer of mankind D. Ilovaisky: “They suffered from a tendency to internecine strife”, “were fickle, frivolous and impressionable”, “displayed a great inclination towards a hostel, gaiety and extraordinary curiosity. They stopped travelers on the roads and forced them to tell news" is instead of doing business yourself and not disturbing others. In addition, their bards (singers), singing the deeds of their ancestors (by that time they already had ancestors), struck six-stringed instruments. Of course, all this could not end well, and the Celts broke up into many small nations and small states. The Germans inhabited a vast country from the Rhine to the Vistula and from the Baltic and German Seas to the Danube. Ilovaisky states that the Germans before the invasion of the Huns were an "uneducated" people. This is easy to believe if you remember the state of the then schools and universities. Ilovaisky even adds that they dressed in animal skins, liked to drink beer, and for the most part did not fight in peacetime. German women had a commendable quality: they looked after their wounded husbands and even brought them food. But whether they were educated, Ilovaisky does not say.

The Germans were divided into many small tribes (Franks, Allemans, Saxons, Lombards, Vandals, Ostrogoths, Visigoths and others), and in their spare time they jumped naked over swords stuck with the tip up. Carried away by these immoral exercises, the Germans did not notice how a wild, ferocious tribe, the Huns, crept up to them. With the invasion of the Huns, something unimaginable began. The peoples were completely mad and began to fight with anyone and in any way. So many names flashed by, so many commanders, tribes, dialects and languages, that positively one should be surprised how they did not get mixed up there and, having started a war with one person, did not end it with another. However, this also happened. Wise in life and experience, Ilovaisky, in order to bring some clarity to this dark period, came up with the "method of epithets", that is, he characterizes the figures of the era with some apt epithet that defines his essence. So, the king of the Ostrogoths Hermanrich is called "aged", Arcadius and Honorius, the sons of Theodosius the Great, are called "unworthy", on the contrary, Stilicho is called "worthy", and Aetius - "skilled". However, these epithets in the venerable historian also roam like peoples: in another place, the "unworthy" Honorius is renamed "insignificant", and even further into "young".

About half of the 5th century, the famous Attila appeared. Historians report that "in appearance he was a real Hun." This, however, should not surprise us, since he really was a Hun. Attila sought to become a powerful conqueror and therefore was forced to compose and leave history a few aphorisms. That was the order. This side of his activity was less successful than robberies and raids, but it was impossible to go against custom. From his aphorisms, recommended by the Ministry of Public Education for memorization, we cite this: "Grass should not grow where my horse steps."

The name of Attila is associated with the Battle of Catalaun, which was of such great importance that now, one and a half thousand years later, because of this particular battle, many very attractive young people do not receive a certificate for the title of medical assistant or volunteer of the second category! A battle of peoples took place on the Catalaunian Plain (Champagne), and Attila was forced to turn back across the Rhine. Here, returning along the same road, he regretted his aphorism about the grass, since the horses had something to feed on. "The Battle of Catalaun freed Christian Europe from the pagan, Hun-Slavic barbarians." God knows if we had the Crusades and the Hundred Years War or the Inquisition and much, much more, if the outcome of the battle was different. Just think about it! On what accidents the success of civilization sometimes depends!

Attila was buried in three coffins in a deserted place. So that no one knew where his grave was, the people who dug the grave were put to death. Then they killed those who killed the people who were digging the grave. Then - the killers of these killers, then the killers of the killers of these killers ... Continuing this system, the Huns would very soon exterminate themselves, but the impatient Germanic and Western Slavic peoples, without waiting for the end of this, in any case, ingenious combination, rebelled and overthrew the dominion Huns. Thus, they managed to divert the attention of the Huns from the grave of their beloved leader.

Meanwhile, the Western Roman Empire was gradually collapsing. "Senator Petronius, proclaimed emperor, wanted to marry the widow of Valentinian (whom he himself killed); but (!!!) she called on vandals against him" (!!!) (Ilovaisky). It is clear that this was an act of deep masochism! For two weeks the Vandals plundered and destroyed Rome; they could not do otherwise: they already had such a name. At the same time, they undoubtedly showed taste and understanding, since they destroyed precisely those paintings that were most valuable. In 476, the Roman Senate finally recognized the fall of the Western Empire, or, in modern terms, "clarified" the Roman Empire.

States founded by the Germans

When the Roman Empire fell, everyone began to respect her very much. This respect was so great that the conquerors completely distorted the Latin language, so that they soon ceased to understand each other. Theodoric the Great, the Ostrogothic king, out of respect for Rome in his old age, ordered the execution of the most educated Roman philosopher Boethius. However, he allowed Boethius to write a thoughtful book, Consolation in Philosophy. After the death of Theodoric, wars began, and peoples who were completely unfamiliar with each other often fought: Lombards, Avars and others. The Lombards were especially zealous, who, according to legend, rarely fought. But their militant aspirations unexpectedly met with a completely peculiar enemy, with a force whose mysterious future was yet to come. This is dads.

One can imagine the astonishment of the Lombards! Entering the historical field, they, of course, expected that they would face a series of wars; but that they would have to fight with the popes, with those who, carrying and spreading the idea of ​​Christianity, forbade the shedding of blood, preached peace, love, and so on and so forth, they could never imagine. The Lombards stroked their long beards in amazement for several years in a row and finally, in order to somehow save the situation, they converted to Christianity.

The temporal power of the popes increased day by day. Gregory I "servant of the servants of God" (Servus servorum Die) - especially cared about the exaltation of the papal throne. He so zealously spread Catholicism wherever he could, that, carried away, he accidentally installed in Spain between the Visigoths ... Orthodoxy. For this impartiality, he was nicknamed the Great, but the mysterious secret why some peoples were supposed to receive Catholicism, and the Visigoths - Orthodoxy, he forever took with him to the grave.

In Gaul, in the era of "clarification" of the Western Roman Empire, the most powerful people were the Franks. Their king Clovis laid the foundation for a powerful Frankish monarchy. In general, he was a very remarkable person, and if Clovis lived in our century, he would no doubt be one of the outstanding singers of Europe. The strength of his voice was amazing: in the battle with the Alleman, when the enemy began to gain the upper hand, he vowed to be baptized in such a loud voice in case of victory that he was heard not only by the sky, but also by many Gallo-Roman Christian natives who were in his army: they cheered up and helped win the battle. I had to accept Catholicism, and even very solemnly. Clovis did not repent of his decision at all: he continued to achieve his goals by deceit, betrayal and murder, and he died a zealous Catholic. One of his especially God-fearing descendants was Pepin the Short.

As soon as the Franks and other Germanic peoples began to form states, they immediately had laws, and, of course, bad ones. Everyone knew that these were bad laws, but nevertheless they had to be respected, because laws must always be respected - this was already known then.

Corrupt judges, hired defenders and false witnesses by conviction did not yet exist at that time: all this could hardly be imagined in the fog of future centuries. In the meantime, the court was carried out by the king himself or by dukes and earls. The sky was called to witness, and the Ministry of the Interior should in no case put pressure on the judges. However, despite this, the verdicts of the court also very often had a sad outcome ...

In all the states founded by the Germans, a feudal, or fief, system appeared. The conquerors took away the land from the conquered, settled on it and called themselves "barons". At the same time, each baron had his own fantasy. Thus was born the right of property, which, unlike other rights, was called "sacred." the best and most conquered lands the king took for himself. At the same time, instead of salaries, the kings distributed their (that is, captured) estates to the combatants. Persons who received these "fiefs" or "fiefs" (land property) were called "vassals". These plots were initially given by the king for certain periods, but over time the feudal lords began to consider these lands their own and did not return them to the king. From the persons who by robbery and barbarism seized the land either from the conquered peoples or from the king, the modern European aristocracy originated. The barons sent military service, protecting from external enemies their sacred property rights. They received the title of knight (Ritter), and although they were ignorant, rude, cruel and criminal, but for some reason they demanded respect for themselves. However, the monks also demanded this.

After the baptism of the Franks, Christianity also penetrated the Anglo-Saxons. Pope Gregory I, the same one who accidentally approved Orthodoxy among the Spanish Visigoths, sent Augustine to preach. The sermon was a success. Subsequently, not only rich and well-fed monks came out of British and Irish monasteries, but also many zealots of Christianity.
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Copyright: General history: Satyricon

Foreword

What is history as such - there is no need to explain, since this should be known to everyone with mother's milk. But what is ancient history - a few words need to be said about this.

It is difficult to find a person in the world who, at least once in his life, in scientific terms, would not get involved in some kind of story. But no matter how long ago this happened to him, nevertheless, we have no right to call the incident that happened ancient history. For in the face of science everything has its own strict subdivision and classification.

Let's say in short:

a) ancient history is such a history that happened extremely long ago;

b) ancient history is the history that happened to the Romans, Greeks, Assyrians, Phoenicians and other peoples who spoke stillborn languages.

Everything that concerns ancient times and about which we know absolutely nothing is called the prehistoric period.

Scientists, although they know absolutely nothing about this period (because if they knew, it would have to be called historical), nevertheless, they divide it into three centuries:

1) stone, when people used bronze to make stone tools for themselves;

2) bronze, when bronze tools were made with the help of stone;

3) iron, when iron tools were made with the help of bronze and stone.

In general, inventions were then rare and people were slow to invent; therefore, they will invent a little something - now they also call their century by the name of the invention.

In our time, this is no longer conceivable, because every day the name of the age would have to be changed: Piliuliar age, flat-tire age, Syndeticon age, etc., etc., which would immediately cause strife and international wars.

In those times, about which absolutely nothing is known, people lived in huts and ate each other; then, having strengthened and developed the brain, they began to eat the surrounding nature: animals, birds, fish and plants. Then, divided into families, they began to fence themselves with palisades, through which at first they quarreled for many centuries; then they began to fight, started a war, and, thus, a state arose, a state, a state life, on which further development citizenship and culture.

Ancient peoples are divided by skin color into black, white and yellow.

Whites, in turn, are divided into:

1) the Aryans, descended from Noah's son Japheth and named so that it was not immediately possible to guess who they came from;

2) Semites - or without the right of residence - and

3) Hamites, people who are not accepted in a decent society.

Usually history is always divided chronologically from such and such to such and such a period. It is impossible to do this with ancient history, because, firstly, no one knows anything about it, and secondly, the ancient peoples lived stupidly, wandered from one place to another, from one era to another, and all this without railways without order, reason or purpose. Therefore, scientists came up with the idea to consider the history of each nation separately. Otherwise, you will get so confused that you will not get out.

East

Egypt

Egypt is located in Africa and has long been famous for its pyramids, sphinxes, the flooding of the Nile and Queen Cleopatra.

Pyramids are pyramid-shaped buildings that were erected by the pharaohs for their glorification. The pharaohs were caring people and did not trust even the closest people to dispose of their corpse at their discretion. And, barely out of infancy, the pharaoh was already looking after himself a secluded place and began to build a pyramid for his future ashes.

After death, the body of the pharaoh was gutted from the inside with great ceremonies and stuffed with aromas. Outside, they enclosed it in a painted case, put it all together in a sarcophagus and placed it inside the pyramid. From time to time, that small amount of pharaoh, which was enclosed between the fragrances and the case, dried up and turned into a hard membrane. This is how the ancient monarchs spent the people's money unproductively!

But fate is fair. In less than a few tens of thousands of years, the Egyptian population regained its prosperity by wholesale and retail trading in the mortal corpses of their overlords, and in many European museums one can see examples of these dried pharaohs, nicknamed mummies for their immobility. For a special fee, museum watchmen allow visitors to snap the mummy with their fingers.

Further, the ruins of temples serve as monuments of Egypt. Most of all, they were preserved on the site of ancient Thebes, nicknamed by the number of their twelve gates "hundred gates". Now, according to archaeologists, these gates have been converted into Arab villages. So sometimes the great turns into useful!

The monuments of Egypt are often covered with inscriptions that are extremely difficult to make out. Scientists therefore called them hieroglyphs.

The inhabitants of Egypt were divided into different castes. The priests belonged to the most important caste. It was very difficult to get into the priesthood. To do this, it was necessary to study geometry to the equality of triangles, including geography, which at that time embraced the space of the globe at least six hundred square miles.

The priests were up to their necks, because, in addition to geography, they also had to engage in worship, and since the Egyptians had an extremely large number of gods, it was sometimes difficult for a different priest to snatch at least an hour for geography in the whole day.

The Egyptians were not particularly choosy in giving divine honors. They deified the sun, the cow, the Nile, the bird, the dog, the moon, the cat, the wind, the hippopotamus, the earth, the mouse, the crocodile, the snake, and many other domestic and wild animals.

"General History Processed by the Satyricon"- a popular humorous book published by the magazine "Satyricon" in 1910, in which world history is parodied.

The work consists of 4 sections:

Publication

For the first time, information about the upcoming edition of the humorous "General History" appeared in the 46th issue of the "Satyricon" for 1909:

“All annual subscribers will receive as a free supplement a sumptuously illustrated edition of THE GENERAL HISTORY, edited by the Satyricon from his point of view, ed. A. T. Averchenko. (Although our “General History” will not be recommended by the Scientific Committee, which is under the Ministry of National Education, as a guide for educational institutions, but this book will give subscribers the only opportunity to look at the historical past of peoples - in a completely new and completely original light). "GENERAL HISTORY" will be large volume, artistically printed on good paper, with a lot of illustrations by the best Russian cartoonists.

The book was published as an appendix, after which it was reprinted several times separately, as it was very popular.

Problems with the 4th part

Part "Russian History" ends with the Patriotic War of 1812, but this did not save her from problems with censorship.

The 1910 edition has 154 pages, as it came out without it, in 1911 a volume of 240 pages was published, including the missing part. The 1912 edition again turned out to be without the censored section.

Later, the 4th part still received a continuation - O. L. D'Or. "Nicholas II the Benevolent. The end of the "Russian History", published in 1912 by the "Satyricon" "(Petersburg, Typ.: "Literacy", 1917. 31 pages).

In 1922, the 4th part with an addition was published by the author as a separate book under the title: O. L. D'Or. "Russian history under the Varangians and Varyags". The appendix contains chapters on

Today, the "General History, processed by the Satyricon", a book that was published in 1911 and still enjoys the attention and love of the general public, is perceived as a kind of visiting card of that brightest phenomenon of domestic satire and humor, domestic literature and journalism, which was called for a hundred years back "Satyricon" and the Satyriconists.

For comic effect, as you know, the context is more important than the text, which is why humor, not to mention satire, quickly becomes obsolete. Nevertheless, the "General History, processed by the" Satyricon ", is already entering the second century of its existence. D. I. Ilovaisky, whose numerous and repeatedly reprinted history textbooks were the main object of ridicule of the satyriconists in their book, have remained in the archives of his work for a long time. , the object of parody has not been relevant for a long time, but the parody itself lives on, which once again confirms the maxim attributed to the famous British wit Bernard Shaw: "A person who writes about himself and his time is the only one who writes about all people and all times."

On our website you can download the book "General History Processed by "Satyricon"" by Arkady Averchenko, Nadezhda Teffi, Osip Dymov, Orsher Iosif Lvovich for free and without registration in epub, fb2 format, read the book online or buy the book in the online store.