How to ask for help correctly. Change point of view

"Fear, ask and believe!" - exclaims the poet and rock musician Konstantin Kinchev in his song. In these four words, a person ignorant of Orthodoxy will see only an opposition to the thieves' “do not believe, do not fear, do not ask!”, But an Orthodox person will notice in them three commandments that logically follow from Holy Scripture. Let's think about what they mean.

Be afraid to offend the person who loves you and be afraid to offend God with your sin, but not because the Lord will punish you - He is love(1 John 4: 8) and only love - but because you will not feel His love with your brave soul. How if you hurt loving person, he will not scold you, and even more so, he will not try to hurt you, but will only go into another room and wait for you to come and ask him for forgiveness, so God is waiting for your repentance and thereby heal your soul.

Ask help from everyone who can help you, ask for help to those who are weak, and help them yourself, and ask in prayers to the Lord for help in the struggle with passions and for the herding of their souls and the souls of those who cannot ask. If you saw that some business or any problem is beyond your power, ask someone who is nearby. And it doesn't matter who this person is - rich or poor, strong or weak, man or woman - he will help you and it will become easier for you. Do not give in to pride, which says: "You will do it yourself, do not humiliate yourself, do not ask!", Remember the words of Christ: " Ask, and it shall be given you» ( Matthew 7: 7). You must admit that it is foolish to drown when it was enough for salvation to ask those who are on the shore for a life preserver; or die without asking rich acquaintances for money for an operation. Forget this damned thought, invented by the atheists, which says that the salvation of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. A person cannot be saved without the help of God, just as it is impossible to drag a piano up to the tenth floor without an elevator alone. At the same time, give a beggar asking a coin, a fallen one - a hand and help him to get up, a thirsty - water and remember that behind every person asking you for something, there is the Lord Himself, Who said: “ come, blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry, and you gave me food; thirsty, and you gave me drink; I was a stranger and you took me in; I was naked, and you shared Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me» ( Matthew 25: 34-36).

Believe that any person, no matter how he sins, can correct and repent and believe God like no one else, trust Him, trust the Lord with your soul. If someone sins, remember that everyone can repent and change one day, so do not condemn him. Believe, and thus you will understand what the words of the Apostle mean that true love believes everything (1 Cor. 13: 7). Know that God does not give an unbearable cross, does not give unbearable suffering. Remember that all the sufferings you endure are sent by the Creator in order to heal your soul, and try to become like the long-suffering Job, who, having lost all his property and sons, exclaimed: “ blessed be the name of the Lord!» ( Job 1:21).

One of the values ​​of the Keys of Mastery project is to take responsibility for everything that happens in life.

We urge you not to give up your strength, look for answers within yourself, learn to solve problems yourself, and not blame others.

But there are situations when it is simply necessary ask for help:

• ask an exciting question in which you are incompetent,
• ask for a service or promotion.

For some people, even small requests cause internal discomfort, they find it difficult to ask other people for help.

They think: "I'd rather do without it or figure it out myself than ask someone."

If you consider yourself to be in this category, then we propose to figure out what is behind this.

6 reasons why people find it difficult to ask for help from outside

I have identified 4 reasons why people refuse to ask for help, even if they really need it. And the last two reasons were suggested by blog readers.

1. Fear of rejection

For this reason, many are afraid to ask for help. They believe that they will definitely be refused.

Its root is in childhood, when close people (parents, brothers, sisters) refused to you, forbade something.

Now you do not ask, because you are afraid not even of the refusal itself, but again experience a prick of pain.

You have decided that you are not worthy of any help and have learned to cope on your own. This is a very useful skill that develops ingenuity, additional skills.

But sometimes outside help is needed, for example, if you are lost in a strange city, and the GPS is directing it to the wrong place.

Accept the rejection before making a request. Let go of waiting for help. And then ask for what you cannot do on your own.

If they refuse, you will not experience much discomfort, since you will already be prepared.

If you're getting rejected a lot, it's probably a mirror. Take a closer look at how you respond to requests for help. Do you help people yourself or do you turn away indifferently?

3. Asking for help is perceived as humiliation.

If you were often denied in the past, then asking for help is perceived by you as something humiliating.

You still remember how in childhood you asked a peer for a typewriter, but he refused.

You cried bitterly, begged him to let you play - it really was a humiliation for a small child, dependent on his parents and on the outside world.

Or you asked your mother to buy a toy, but you were refused. Not because you are so bad and unworthy, not to hurt you, and your parents simply had no money.

Now you are already an adult and you understand this. You are no worse than others and have the right get what you ask for.

There is nothing humiliating in asking for help. When people turn to you for help, do you think this is humiliation? I think no.

Meditation will help you to believe in yourself, to raise your self-esteem.

4. Belief that it is embarrassing to ask

If a child is forbidden to ask or is ashamed for asking more than is allowed, this leads to the belief that it is embarrassing to ask.

It is not the child's fault that the parents cannot explain why “not allowed” or that they do not have the means to meet his requests.

Not everything that parents consider to be overkill is for a child. How can he understand this excess or need?

In adulthood, this leads to the fact that a person finds it difficult to ask. There is no ability to accept refusal, a childish reaction is triggered - resentment, irritation.

A person achieves success as a professional, gains vast experience, and it is a shame to ask for a promotion. He expects the manager to guess himself and raise the salary.

A person who knows how to ask knows that there is nothing terrible and shameful in this, he adequately perceives the refusal, knows how to negotiate, defend your opinion and negotiate.

5. Fear of being owed

Many are convinced that if they ask for help, they will certainly be billed. Life experience tells them not to ask in any way, so as not to be in debt to the one who helped.

If you have stepped on such a rake in the past, this does not mean that all people will necessarily act with you in this way.

Before asking for help, determine with the second party the conditions for its provision: this service is paid or free of charge, from the heart.

So you will protect yourself in the future from claims and accusations that you owe.

Well, if you are presented with an invoice anyway, you can always go back to your agreement and remind the person of the conditions under which you accepted this help.

6. It is inconvenient to ask

Some people find it embarrassing to bother people with their request. "I am not important, other people's affairs are more important than their own."

Such a person goes through life as if apologizing for the fact that he lives in general. This is a manifestation of self-dislike, the realization of one's unimportance, worthlessness.

In some cases, people are really uncomfortable to be disturbed. You won't go ask your neighbors for salt at 2 am. Otherwise, this is false modesty.

If you do not know whether it is convenient or uncomfortable to ask for help, learn the rules of good form. In what cases it is possible and appropriate to apply for a service, a favor to acquaintances or strangers. And perhaps this question will disappear by itself.

To get rid of limitations, internal discomfort associated with difficulties in seeking help, and feel free, you need to heal from your childhood traumas.

It will help to realize and let go of the behavior of an eternally offended child.

You will stop reacting to life in the old way - from a state of trauma, pain, rewrite old destructive scenarios into effective and successful.

Asking for help - why we are afraid to use it. How to properly ask for help so as not to get rejected. Effective techniques get what you want from a man.

The content of the article:

Asking for help is a difficult thing for many of us. Partly due to the fact that modern world dictates the rules of autonomy and mistrust, in part because of fears, upbringing, or their own beliefs. However, such a life position is not always absolutely justified, since it makes you cope with everything, even small and insignificant matters on your own. That is, to do what could not have been done.

Why are we afraid to ask for help

The fear of asking for help can have a variety of origins. It can "sprout" from childhood, from personal negative experience, or be a consequence of personal attitudes. One way or another, this fear prevents us from making our life easier by involving others in solving our problems.

The main factors that prevent us from asking for help from others:

• The costs of education... Like many other phobias, fear of seeking help can be the result of parental attitudes. Some parents said that it was a shame to ask someone for help - it was a sign of weakness. You need to deal with all your problems on your own. For others, it’s uncomfortable because it burdens people and makes you dependent on them. Third, there is no point in waiting for real help from someone.
• Call of Duty... The unwillingness to be in dependence, in debt, can also push towards absolute independence. In this case, the person asking for help feels like a debtor. It weighs on him. Therefore, he is trying in every possible way to avoid such a situation and not ask anyone for help. This fear is especially pronounced in relation to requests for money.
• Fear to disturb... Often the reason we are afraid to ask for help is the belief that our request will cause concern and inconvenience to others. Therefore, the person asking him thinks that he is becoming a burden to others, causing them discontent and unwillingness to communicate in the future.
• ... For some, asking for help becomes a real test because of negative experiences. Being in the role of a supplicant is not a very comfortable feeling in itself. And when you are denied help, the desire to seek it again drops sharply. All the more so if, along with the refusal of a person, they also teach life.
• Reluctance to seem like a failure... Trusting someone to solve our problem can get in the way of believing that this is how we demonstrate our failure. Such a person believes that the people around him will consider him a failure if he himself did not have enough intelligence (skills, desire, experience, ingenuity, patience, perseverance, etc.) to cope with the situation.
• Pride... This sin, condemned by the church, can significantly complicate a person's life, including in relation to trust in others. Overconfidence, arrogance and arrogance simply do not allow their master to stoop to asking others for help.
• Imposed stereotypes... "Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask" - such attitudes can be found in songs, literary works, films. However, it must be remembered that the effectively sounding negative principles of life are just the thoughts of the authors - that is, people who also tend to be wrong.

How to ask a man for help

It is common knowledge that men are the stronger sex and women are the weaker sex. That is, the former should help the latter by default. And women who have mastered the art of correctly asking a man for help can really afford to be weak without compromising the quality of life.

Effective ways get help from a man:

1. Ask a man for help correctly... Forget the phrase "myself." If a woman does not ask for anything, then she herself is able to solve all her problems. This is the impression a man has. A feeling of uselessness, unimportance arises and grows in him. And he is looking for the realization of his "talents" in other areas - stupid hobbies, bad habits or even with another woman. Therefore, do not be afraid to ask a man for help, this forms masculine qualities in him, instills in him confidence and a sense of need. And remember, this "works" with all men, not just her own.
2. Choose the right tone... Learn to “shape” your request in soft, positive tones. It is this kind of presentation that guarantees the highest probability that your petition will be heard and fulfilled. The harsh tone, ultimatums and harsh tones in the voice "block" the man's perception and cause a sharp reluctance to obey you.
3. Feel free to remind of your request... Nature has limited a man in terms of the ability to do several things at the same time and quickly switch from one activity to another, unlike a woman. Therefore, a husband who is already busy with something may simply not hear your request and, accordingly, not fulfill it. It is very important to remember about such a male feature and not to be nervous if nothing happened the first time. You just need to periodically update it in the memory of a man. And if from such repetitions you really want to scream or throw a tantrum, remind yourself that they are not like that. Well, they cannot hear and do everything at the same time. In the case of a man, only repetition can produce results. And the elementary human forgetfulness cannot be ruled out.
4. State your request clearly... Male thinking and perception differs from female specificity. Therefore, men do not understand female hints or understand them differently than a woman wants. In order not to be disappointed by the opposite result, correctly and clearly articulate your request to a man.
5. Don't overwhelm with a lot of tasks... If you want to puzzle a man with several requests at once (vacuuming the apartment, taking out the trash, going to the store, picking up the children from kindergarten, etc.), remember that it is very difficult for him to quickly switch. He is single-tasked. Therefore, from the entire list of cases proposed to him, he, most likely, using the Stirlitz method, will remember and do only the first or only the last. So break the daily "norm" into stages and voice them in turn: completed the first stage - received gratitude and the next task.
6. Do not interfere with fulfilling your request... Before you set a task for a man, decide for yourself whether you are ready for the fact that it will not be fulfilled immediately. You should not expect an instant response from a man to his request: firstly, he may not hear you, and secondly, his “construction” of the brain requires sufficient time to process information. Therefore, if the matter is urgent and feasible, it may be better to do it yourself and not bother your faithful. If the task does not require urgent completion, ask for help, remind about it, but do not retreat and do not do it yourself.
7. Don't be afraid of rejection... The main difference between a request and an order: in the first case, refusal is possible, in the second - not. Therefore, learn to accept refusal calmly, without ultimatums, offenses, tantrums and threats. Moreover, the “no” expressed by a man with the right approach can be transformed into “yes” over time. So a softly and unobtrusive request “in repetition” can still bring results.
8. Be sure to thank for the help... To motivate a man for further "deeds" in the name of you and your common good, be sure to complete the cycle of help with sincere gratitude. If your hero fulfilled his request, he received praise. Regardless of the scale of your work, celebrate with rewards both taking out the trash and buying a fur coat. Be sure that every your praise will act on your man as a doping, which will give him strength to fulfill your next request.
9. Exercise... Learn to ask men for help - they need it as much as you do. Even unfamiliar and unfamiliar people. Start with the little things: show the way on the street, help you choose a product in a store, carry a heavy bag of groceries home, tell you how to choose the right mode on a treadmill in a gym.

Important! Love yourself, allow yourself to want and receive what you want, including help. It is this kind of light that lives inside a woman that kindles a man too.

General rules for successfully asking for help

The ability to ask for help should not be seen as a way to shift your problems onto others or the possibility of being in debt. On the contrary, it can make our life much easier and save us from possible setbacks and disappointments. After all, there is no such person who would know and be able to absolutely everything. Therefore, you need to ask for help, and so that you are not denied help, you should do it right. To do this, it is enough to know a few important rules.

Politeness is not only for kings

To create the right atmosphere for your request, express it politely, honestly, and openly. Do not manipulate the person from whom you are going to ask for help, showing with all your appearance what will happen if he refuses you. Don't veil your desire under any pretext or cliché.

Say exactly what you want your helper to say. Choose a calm, benevolent tone for this, maintaining it even in case of refusal. Remember that the commanding tone or imperative intonation in the voice in most cases causes a feeling of rejection and resistance. But sincerity and benevolence open many doors.

Clarity and clarity are the guarantee of success

Another important rule of how to properly ask for help is to express your request clearly and specifically. Because the uncertainty in the request creates uncertainty in its implementation. Therefore, if you are asking for money on credit, name a specific amount and specific conditions for its return.

If you want to get a raise in your salary, be prepared to name the desired rate. You need assistance or protection - explain exactly what kind of help you need, when and how much. You are looking for business support - prepare convincing facts of the success of your project (details, plans, projected results).

Start the conversation right: without long introductions and prefaces about why you decided to ask for help. They only annoy the interlocutor and give him time to formulate a refusal. Therefore, start the conversation with the fact that you need his help (namely help) as a competent (successful, successful, experienced) person in your question, not forgetting about the word "please."

Further through simple phrase“Because” state the reason for your request. Say it confidently and convincingly so that he does not doubt that it is very important to you. This approach immediately sets your counterpart in a serious mood and disposes to really help you to the best of his ability.

Knock and they will open for you

Such an approach, firstly, will significantly increase the chance of getting this help, and secondly, it will not burden the person and will not put him in an uncomfortable position, since he has the resources to provide it.

Engage the interlocutor: it is natural for a person to give preference to what is interesting to him. And if your request falls into the category of interesting for the person you are asking about it, he will be more willing to help you.

If you have made a promise that they will help you, but this does not happen, you should not wait for the promised three years. Remind about yourself, because your request could simply be forgotten or for some reason postponed its implementation. Do not hesitate to ask again.

That said, if you add creativity and ingenuity to your requests, the chance of a positive outcome will increase significantly. However, if your persistence does not bring results and the person does not fulfill the promise, feel free to cross him off the list of people who are trustworthy for yourself and look for help from others.

If your request is not limited to one performer, ask for help from several people at once.

A request is not an order or an obligation

Be prepared for your request for help to go unanswered. Your interlocutor may have a lot of reasons for refusal: from banal laziness or antipathy to a real lack of opportunity to help. Or maybe you yourself once refused to help this person. But this does not mean that he will not change his mind or someone else will not help you. After all, you are neither the first nor the last to be turned down.

Even if you are rejected, there is a way to try to profit from this situation. Ask who you can contact with such a request. Very often, in order to extinguish the unpleasant aftertaste of his refusal to help, the interlocutor can redirect you to the right person.

To help fulfill your request to materialize, voice it with full confidence that you will be helped. But at the same time, you are absolutely ready to refuse. Try to do everything to drive away the negativity. Before asking for help, block any thoughts and fantasies about how and why you were denied and what sad consequences await you.

On the contrary, imagine how your interlocutor happily fulfills your request and what positive changes are taking place in your life. Play this clip in your head until you feel the inner confidence in your actions. And go ask for help.

Persistence makes the impossible possible

Be optimistic even if you refuse: ask again, ask others, ask in a different way. Moreover, the decision to change "anger to mercy" can be influenced by many things: a good mood, a positive event in life, rapprochement in interests, new details in your business or the first successes. It is important not to miss this moment.

Remember the childish spontaneity in the desire to get what you want - the child is not ashamed to ask many times. And he often gets what he asks for. Moreover, your request may remain unfulfilled unintentionally: they did not hear it, did not see it (if this is a letter, SMS or message on email), misunderstood, or simply forgotten in the confusion. Remember, reminding you of an important request for you is not obsession, but persistence.

Affectionate word and the cat is pleased

Expressing sincere and timely gratitude for many people replaces any benefit. It is an indicator that the merits, skills, human qualities of a person are recognized and appreciated. A grateful person has every chance that he will be helped the next time he is asked for help.

Here the rule of the opposite action is triggered: where there is gratitude, there is help. Therefore, being grateful even in the event of a refusal is a very important rule of a successful request for help.

As gratitude (if desired and if possible), you can use not only the verbal form, but also more specific ways - mutual benefit, reciprocal service, cooperation, etc.

How to ask for help - watch the video:

Learning to properly ask for help is very important and necessary. But it is equally important to help and support other people yourself. This is how a harmonious "mutual responsibility" is created, which brings positive and comfort to our lives and the lives of the people around us.

It was only in A.A. that I gradually began to understand that asking for help is not a sign of stupidity or cowardice, it is not shameful and does not mean that I am worse or dumber than others, but quite the opposite, although for a long time I believed that those who ask help weak people. The way our society works is that the more experienced helps the less experienced. V kindergarten we learn from our peers and educators, at school - from teachers and classmates who help those who are less successful, at the institute - teachers, tutors and many others.

If we suddenly get sick, we go to the doctor who prescribes a course of antibiotics, etc.

Together we are strong.

I don't know at what point something went wrong, but I clearly remember that it was always difficult for me to ask for help. I was driven by fears: what if they think that I am stupid, what if someone laughs at me? I was used to relying solely on myself in everything, and if something did not work out, I found a lot of excuses.

With alcoholism, everything went according to the same scenario: when there were still not many difficulties, I tried to solve them on my own, but gradually the situation worsened,

it became harder and harder for me to cope with the problems that had piled on me, but I could not ask for help. Real madness that almost killed me. I am dying, but I cannot say “help”. Pride does not allow. However, it didn't bother me to lie near the entrance in my own puddle, but once no one asked me if I needed help or not. My mother put me before a choice: either you ask for help, or I write an application to the LTP.

The fear of getting into this institution made me act. So I ended up in A.A., where I had to accept help. I already knew what awaited me in the future. Ever since I agreed (Feel? ha-ha-ha. I did not beg for help, I agreed to be provided). But even that was enough to recover from alcoholism.

I started a simple program of actions, and after a while I felt better. I moved on in the program, and gradually the desire to drink disappeared somewhere,

then a huge amount of fears that tormented me for a long time fell off.

For 3 years 5 months now I have not drunk, and at the same time I do not feel inferior. Anything can happen, but I'm sure: as long as I'm in contact with God, as I understand him (By saying this, I mean your personal idea of ​​God.) I will stay sober, happy and free. What have I done to get out of the state of hopelessness? The answer is simple: I agreed to accept help and continue to follow the recovery program along with alcoholics like me.

Have you ever asked for help at work, at home, or elsewhere? Nod. Now, nod again if you feel awkward or uncomfortable doing so. Chances are you nodded twice! We may not know what to do, and it is obvious that help will get us out of the impasse, but we are simply afraid to ask for it. Why?

● Why are we so afraid to ask for help?

What prevents us from looking for the one we need? We simply don't want to appear weak, needy, or incompetent in front of strangers, friends, or bosses. We have an understandable fear that if we look vulnerable, this information could be used against us. Not to mention the reputation. You feel less confident in your abilities and become anxious about what others will think of you. As a result, you are also missing out on a lot of potential knowledge or helpful help.

● We perceive and interpret the request for help incorrectly

Many of us automatically assume that going to professional counselors and coaches means that something unpleasant has happened or is happening in your life. The word "help" carries the hidden in itself. However, we may well view it as a positive action. You don't have to be in some awful state to dare to ask for help. Perhaps you just want to improve yourself and engage in self-development.

● Help is a good sign

Successful business people, for example, often hire coaches and consultants to avoid burnout or lose sight of their goals. These hired trainers act as reminders and offer new ideas for current problems and situations. Having a "support system" has many advantages, such as a higher level of well-being, best skills overcoming and more healthy life... Take athletes for example. There is a coach behind each of them. Its role is to educate, correct and lead to victory.

● Asking for help is not your weakness, it is your strength!

By taking proactive steps to seek help or advice, you are effectively in control of your life and do not allow outside circumstances (or other people's opinions). Realize and accept your weaknesses! Therefore, if at some point in your life you want change or feel stuck in a rut, it's time to turn your weakness into strength by seeking help. Take care of your personal development. Even if everything is fine with you, there is always something that you can additionally take to improve your life. Learning never ends. Therefore, regardless of your age, you should always strive to become better. And don't be afraid to ask for help if necessary.