Jokes about sri yaprudra. Tao Cocoa: Joy of the Blind Monkey Who Cries Tao Cocoa Complete Collection

For those who have embarked on the path of Tao-cocoa, - in a friendly manner Sri Yaputra instructed the new disciples with a bamboo stick, - work on a cocoa plantation is voluntary, and not so that you want to work, but you want - not.

***
The kung fu master Li Xiang perfectly mastered the art of shadowboxing. One day, his shadow beat him and took away his wallet. Hearing this story, Sri Yaputra took the staff away from his shadow. Just in case.

***
One day Sri Yaputra wanted to know what the kakava was doing when he was not drinking it. He lay down on the mat, pretended to fall asleep, and then quietly crept up to the cocoa and looked into the nose. And the eye sticks out of the nose and looks around. Kakava wanted to know what Sri Yaputra was doing when he was not drinking ...

***
One day brahmanas from the Mu valley came to Sri Yaputra.
"O Great Teacher," they said, "we have lost our beloved Sacred Cow! Tell us where to look for her?"
“Your cow has finally fulfilled her destiny and moved into a different form of existence,” Yaputra told them.
The brahmanas bowed down.
“Master, steak is ready!” Nivhuril shouted from the kitchen.

***
... and so a person can dispel the nightmare of the illusion surrounding him and get rid of suffering. There are many paths to enlightenment, but the goal is one! - Sri Yaputra finished his sermon.
The students thought hard about what they had heard. Suddenly there was a clap and one of the students disappeared in a bright flash of light. Then another one and another ..
"... six, seven, eight." Sri Yaputra counted in his mind. - "Like everything. Now there will be enough cocoa until the next harvest, the excess of stored firewood can be sold, otherwise you know the crisis."

***
Once, the inscription "Sri Yaputra is a goat!" Appeared on the wall of the monastery.
"Another disciple has approached enlightenment and will soon leave the monastery." - Sri Yaputra thought sadly and deprived the entire monastery of cocoa for a week in order to consolidate the result.

***
At noon, in the courtyard of the monastery, the disciples meditated diligently under the shade of trees. The birds made their nests. Bees and butterflies were flying. A cat was basking in the sun on the steps.
Sri Yaputra came out on the threshold, he just woke up and was a little stunned by the pastoral picture he saw in the courtyard. Deciding to thin the paint a little, he deftly kicked the cat that turned up by the way.
- Meow.uu.uu.u.u uu..u.u.u..uu Mryaya .. - the cat issued a parabola flying away into the bushes.
The students unanimously followed the trajectory of the cat's flight, they didn’t understand a damn thing, but they also pretended to understand everything and began to meditate even more diligently.
And only to the cat did enlightenment come.
For in the feline language, the sounds emitted meant:
- Again reincarnation, again I am a cat and again in this monastery. BLI-I-IN!

***
The mighty old man of cocaine Shcha All invited Sri Yaputra to stay with him. Yaputra and his disciples plunged into a double-deck junk, and the journey began. All long days Yaputra sat under the captain's canopy, in the shade of meditation, and at night sleeping in a lifeboat, hiding his beloved cocoa in his bosom and tightly gripping the staff in his right hand. Once a storm broke out, the ship sank, Yaputra woke up in a boat dangling on steep shafts, and began to catch drowning people, oops, so he caught Nivhuril by the whirlwinds, oops, he pulled out a couple of unlucky students by the hair. Suddenly, the captain's completely bald head appeared above the water, Sri Yaputra looked at it thoughtfully for several seconds, and then he would crack across his bald head with a staff:
- We have no time for koans here, damn it!

***
One morning Sri Yaputra drank kakava out of habit and watched the dawn. The disciples gathered in front of his hut.
- Why did you stick so early? - asked the Teacher.
“Master, we believe that we have walked the path of Enlightenment long enough for you to choose your successor.
- Well, those who consider themselves worthy, come forward.
The crowd took two steps back, leaving Nivhuril in front of him, slightly slowing down.
- Ah, Nivhuril, my most worthy student - said the Teacher.
Then he got up and put his staff on the ground in front of him.
- Come, take the staff, and you will become my successor.
- Is that so simple? - Nivhuril was taken aback.
- Well, yes. What were you waiting for? All you need is to take my staff.
Nivhuril came up, bent down ... and was hit on the back of the head with a heavy cocoa.
“You are always missing something,” Sri Yaputra said, picked up his staff and went to his chambers.

***
Once Nivhuril went to the teacher's cell and saw a monastery cat on the table, which was drinking sacred cocoa from a cup with an irreverent chomp.
Here is an example of the fact that even this cat possesses the nature of Buddha - thought Nivhuril - and devouring the sacred kakava, he joins the true Tao, untie the karmic knots, for the wheel of Samsara has no power over a creature that has rejected the illusions of Maya ...
Scatter! Shri Yaputra, who entered, shouted and threw his staff at the cat.
O teacher, exclaimed Nivhuril, should a true Buddhist do this?
And how! - answered Sri Yaputra, picking up the staff. I gave the cat the koan "Scatter" for meditation under the bench, and now I will explain to you that an enlightened one should not bother with what is supposed to smell well ... sing!

***
Once in the monastery, cockroaches were poisoned.
Nivhuril went to Sri Yaputra for an explanation.
- Teacher, shed some light on my ignorance. By herding cockroaches we violate the principle of Ahimsa. How can you tolerate this?
- "Again this moron is clever, it will be necessary to close access to Wikipedia from the monastery." - thought the old man and silently slapped a cockroach running past with a sandal.
Nivhuril understood a transparent hint and, without waiting for premature enlightenment, hastened to hide.

***
Once Sri Yaputra was comprehending Tao in Teka Lao's cocoa den, when the agitated Nivhuril came running to him.
- Teacher, teacher! he shouted excitedly. - Today I was passing by a rice plantation and met a beautiful maiden Shliu Heng, who, for just one coin, showed me a short way to enlightenment! Honorable teacher, I no longer want to live in a monastery, Shlu Heng and I will go far, far away, I will live with her and achieve enlightenment every morning, and sometimes twice a day!
The wise Sri Yaputra frowned and warned the disciple:
“Beware, you are in great danger. Demons seduce you so that you will never again know the joy of picking ripe cocoa and cleaning the monastery yard. Go immediately to the meditation room, assume the lotus position and seek the path to true enlightenment.
“But, teacher, I don’t want to ...” The words of the negligent student were interrupted when Sri Yaputra mournfully hit him with his staff. The mentor with a kind smile looked at Nivhuril, prostrate in deep meditation, took a coin from his bag and with a shaky gait of the sage went to the rice plantation.

2.
The weather that summer was relative. Or rather, they did not even stand at all, but hung themselves over the entire atmosphere in small drizzle atoms. They hung tightly and confidently, as if they should. In general, everything around was relative, but with no alternative at all.
“So it’s just right to come to all kinds of denial of diversity and dialectics,” Sri Yaputra thought slowly, observing on all sorts of smooth surfaces and ripples a dull, a la pointillism, dance of water flour. His cheeks and chin, as well as his forehead, and already graying temples, were covered with mental boredom and moisture soaked in his entire eye. Sri Yaputra wept with all the pores of his skin, and his silly disciples mistook permanent heartache for banal seasonal rainfall. But the teacher did not pay attention to this, he closed his eyes and silently asked the Universe for a decoction.

3.
At midnight it jumped so that some of the clocks immediately fell behind, while others galloped forward mysteriously. Therefore, midnight did not work out again. The apartment smelled unpleasantly.
“The world is becoming threateningly constant: it moves, but has no development,” Sri Yaputra managed to think before he went to throw out the cat poop and wash the litter box.

4.
"I do not love you anymore".
I was so surprised that I had to mechanically look around, and even look as far as possible behind my left shoulder. I didn't go for the right one, because I realized that it was pointless. There was no one around anyway, so, of course, they “didn't love” me anymore.
We have all known for a long time that when such words are spoken, even the Sri Yaputras are silent. Mine was also silent. More precisely, he managed not only to be silent, but at the same time to be absent. In short, I was alone, defeated and helpless. Abandoned by a Baba, betrayed by all the Sri Yaputras of the world, I nevertheless decided to look over my right shoulder. I expected to see at least their backs there, but they were no longer there.
"Fool! You should have looked to the right at once, and not just stared around! "
Some bird either grunted or gurgled in one of the countless crowns of a country park, but I did not answer her.

Instead of a preface

vidya-vinaya-sampanne
brahmana gavi hastini
shuni chaiva shwapake cha
panditah sama-darsinah

A humble sage with true knowledge looks alike at the learned and noble brahmana, cow, elephant, dog and dog-eater.
(Krishna, Bhagavad-gita (5.18))

One palm clap

The teacher Chhishwabrashwan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
- What does one palm clap sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, gave the Master a slap in the face.
- Not quite right, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means that you have comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here!
In this way Sri Yaputra became a Teacher.

Tao-Cocoa

Sri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Teachers of Tao were sitting: Kao-dzin and Raprishns-vutra. They had been arguing about something for the second week.
- Fuck ... - said Teacher Kao-jin.
- Shizdanutsya ... - objected the Teacher Raprishnsh-vutra.
- If what you say is Tao, then I think I'll go ... - Yaputra said and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cocoa.

Life is perfect

Master Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market: Life is beautiful!
But then a butcher came up to him and said: What makes you think so, Teacher? I personally have little money, I have an ugly wife and stupid children!
Thinking Yaputra replied: You are right, your life is shit!
The Butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonade for nothing.

Like leaves on a tree

When we want to calm down, we look at the tree. How perfect it is. How harmoniously all its leaves are located on it. How they rustle in the wind.
Earrings on linden trees and weeping willows make you hold your breath with admiration.
Children come up to the tree, pick earrings and leaves, scatter them in the wind and they fly, moths, to fall somewhere on the ground and sprout into a new tree.
So are we, all people, like these leaves on a tree. We live, we live until we dry up and fall. Or until we are ripped off by the hands of providence. Or until our tree is cut down. And in the same way there are dogs ready to piss on our tree.

Perfect man

When Yaputra was a disciple, he and the Master hiked daily in search of manifestations of Zen. Teacher Chhishwabrashwan told stories:
The eternal Phoenix bird flew over the owl. The owl, on the other hand, ate a decomposed rat and, fearing that the Phoenix would take the prey from her, pressed the rat to her with all her might. She had no idea that Phoenix was a rotting rat - before the lantern!
- You know what, Teacher, but could you manage in your stories without any decomposed rats and other shitty shit, by God, it's unpleasant to listen to ... - Yaputra admitted.
- You are a bastard, Yaputra! Chhishwabrashwan remarked without any ulterior motive.
Yaputra was offended.
“You must not be offended, Yaputra. In Zen, a mchudak is a sage! - the Teacher encouraged.
- Yes, I fucked your Zen ... - grumbled Sri Yaputra.

Battery

What is a battery in summer? This is, in fact, an unnecessary and useless subject. She warms, warms, heats up. Residents of apartments curse the housing office. It's already so hot. And what about the battery in winter? A battery in winter is a different matter altogether. The battery in winter is the heart of the apartment, the focus of the residents' desires. Therefore, do not look at things one-sidedly. Better yet, take a seat at the battery in advance. And paddle anyone who comes near you.

Draw the legs of a snake

The disciples once asked the Master Yaputra: Master, your parables are difficult to understand! Often times, your words just resemble a burial!
The burial is a true compliment for my parables. They do not fit in the mind, and this is the main thing! I don't have to chew everything for you! Moreover, I myself do not understand what I am singing ... You must be able to draw the legs of a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what is realized! - the Teacher was angry.
Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students specifically went nuts (slowed down).

Step on foot (leader)

Master Shri Yaputra instructed his disciples:
- If you step on the foot of a stranger, you strongly apologize. If to a friend, apologize, but less. If a relative - do not apologize at all!
- And if I step on your foot, Teacher? the student asked.
- You will get it by rowing! - Yaputra did not lie.
- But the masters of Tao say that a leader is always an idiot! You are our leader, aren't you ?! - did not appease the stubborn student.
- You are with me, your mother, as if you will clap! - summed up Sri Yaputra.

Shooter

Once upon a time there was a great shooter. Hit the coin per kilometer. The king arranged a shooting competition. The main prize is a bag of gold. The king personally held the coin in his outstretched hand - God forbid missing - his head from his shoulders. The shooter pulled the bowstring, and from excitement he went blind, his hands were shaking ... He shot an arrow. The arrow flew straight to the king's head.
- Like a fucking pumpkin! - the heir to the throne laughed and presented the shooter with 2 bags of gold.

Dumb (headless)

When Yaputra was a disciple, one day, entering the room of Master Chhishvabrashvan, he saw a strange picture. The teacher was sitting opposite a man who ate in silence.
- What are you doing, Master? Sri Yaputra asked.
- I am talking with a dumb ... - answered the Teacher.
- Ahh, well, the scribe ... - Yaputra shook his head skeptically.
- I am a Taoist and have no head! - added the Teacher.
- It can be seen, damn it ... - Yaputra threw casually and left the room.

Sublime laziness

The disciples sat and contemplated on the staff. And then they saw Teacher Yaputra, who was walking down the street cheerfully singing a song: hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smehopanorama!
The disciples were surprised a lot and approached the Teacher with a question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.
It became obvious that the Teacher was eaten into a melon. Only then could the students understand the meaning of the phrase said by the Teacher the day before: Just give way! - If you want to be an alcoholic - be it!

Teacher

Master Chishwabrashwan sat and meditated near the fence. I drew hieroglyphs of peace and humility with a soft brush. But the owner of the fence, a Russian by nationality, came out here. He did not understand the hieroglyphs and asked: Why the hell did you shit the whole fence for me? And he screwed the Teacher over the head with a shovel.
The teacher, after lying unconscious for 2 hours, woke up with a cheerful smile and said: Truly, speak to people in an understandable language! After that, the Teacher was taken to a psychiatric hospital, from where he left after 5 years enlightened.

2 monks

2 monks walked along the road. Both were rather hungry. Suddenly one of them noticed a stick lying by the road.
- Let's eat this stick! he suggested.
- She's not edible nichrome! - said the second monk.
- How do you know without trying? - asked the monk and bit the stick. All of the monk's front teeth were broken.
- Don't try everything in order to know! - said the second monk and shizdanul the first with his foot in the groin area.

When the boots are not tight

Pyuan had very tight boots. Piyuan was very tormented, he could not throw out his shoes, as he was very poor. Piyuan even wanted to hang himself, but Master Yaputra came, broke both of Piyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was not tall, and the boots were right for him.
Piyuan, on the other hand, spent six months in the hospital and, leaving, came to the teacher and bowed in gratitude that he had saved his life by getting rid of his shoes.
The teacher sent him to hell with angry abuse, for he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his shoes. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

Straight tree

This was when Yaputra was still a disciple. Master Chishwabrashwan said:
“Remember, Yaputra, the straight tree is always cut first. Become a curve!
- So that's why you are such an eel! - Yaputra shouted, embarrassing the Teacher.

Galloped

The teacher Chhishwabrashvan argued with his former disciple Yaputra about the illusion of everything earthly.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! Chhishwabrashvan rant.
- Oh, so no ?! - Sri Yaputra said thoughtfully and rolled Chhishvabrashvan with a chair, hitting him right in the head.
So Yaputra once again overtook his former teacher.

Nobody knows who is old and who is young

You older than me! the old woman said to the old man. The old man was silent.
- You are older than me, old snag! - the old woman was indignant. The old man made no sound.
- I am 23rd year of birth, and you - 20th! she was already screaming.
The old man silently took out his passport and showed the date of birth - 29 years old. The old woman stung herself.

Watch

The monk became enlightened. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
But Yaputra walked past his room in search of a toilet, where to give a shit. And he accidentally went to the monk's room. Shit, Yaputra started the clock and the clock started again. And the monk became again a normal person... And fucked Yaputra for shit in the room.

Deer

The hunter walked through the forest and he had only one cartridge left. He hadn't gotten anything in the whole day and was pretty exhausted. Suddenly he saw something that looked like a deer lying on the ground - or was it just a tree stump? He decided to come closer. It still looked like a bizarre tree. The hunter was short-sighted. Approaching close, the hunter touched this object with the butt of his rifle. The elk woke up and pierced the hunter with his horns through. He smiled and whispered dreamily:
- Get close to the deer and you won't be mistaken!

Path without path

Sri Yaputra crossed the road humming a song:
There is no death, no birth
There is no morality and foundations
Deep facial wrinkles
No more than the scars of life ...
A policeman approached him and asked:
- What are you singing about, Teacher?
Sri Yaputra replied:
- I sing about the proximity of death, for there is nothing more beautiful than returning to where we were before birth ...
- So that's why you cross the street at a red light and are not afraid that the car will turn you around ?! But you still have to pay the fine! - said the policeman.

Zendo Master

One day an arrogant zendo master appeared in the city. He was cursing Sri Yaputra and assured him that he would knock his arrogance off him. He was really an excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery pillar of energy. And it was such a master who challenged Yaputra.
Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: As a last resort, I will give up! and accepted the challenge.
As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway in place and gradually disappeared into the air, then turned into a pillar of fire. Sri Yaputra's forehead was covered with cold sweat and he prayed:
- I give up!
The zendo master took on a human form again and, with a malicious smile, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Sri Yaputra gave him a rowing shaft. The zendo master fucking passed out.

Spikelets

A strange ragamuffin jumped across the field, collecting spikelets left by the reapers.
At that time Sri Yaputra walked past this very field and, seeing this picture, said to his disciples:
- Go and ask this fucking scarecrow that it is jumping across the field!
The disciple went and forcibly brought the old man.
- Are you, old man, enlightened? Are you familiar with the teachings of Tao-Cocoa? Are you happy? - Bhagwan Sri Yaputra and his disciples approached the old man with questions.
- Yes, I was a Taos-Cocoaos and all my life I was waiting for enlightenment. I did not acquire riches, I did not debauchery or gluttony. And now because of this I, like the last beggar, run across the field ... - answered the old man.
- But are you still happy? You've lived to see such gray hairs ... - exhorted Yaputra.
- What the hell are gray hairs? I am 42 years old, and already an old man! - screamed the old man and turned to the disciples of Yaputra, - Disciples, before it's too late, dump Tao-Cocoa from this path to the ridges, or else repeat my shitty fate!
- You fucking old man! - cried Yaputra and hit the old man with his staff.
Yaputra and the disciples walked on, but the disciples thought deeply about something.

Funeral

The funeral of a famous Zen master named Yonvrot was in progress. There were only enlightened teachers. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a drunk Sri Yaputra appeared with an accordion and began to shout obscene ditties. After that, he stuck chewing gum on the deceased's forehead and fell into a freshly dug grave. When they pulled him out of there, he kicked and lamented:
- Balabols! Down with conventions!

3 treasures

The merchant Rbrbr once approached the teacher Yaputra and, wishing to test him, asked:
- Teacher, tell me, which of the three treasures is the most valuable: wisdom, meekness or perseverance?
- Mud-ringing you Mood-ringing, the main thing - boshki! - the Teacher laughed, hugged the merchant Rbrbr and asked him for a loan.

Do not come out of delight

The disciples approached Sri Yaputra and asked:
“Master, LSD gives us meditation and delight. But it, we have heard, is uncombed harmful. And when we get out of delight, we feel fucking disgusting: everything is gray and wretched ...
- Do not come out of delight! - Yaputra muttered, looking into the distance with glazed eyes.

American Priest

Sri Yaputra was meditating. On leaving, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. An American priest whipped whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and fucked prostitutes. All the time I went to the toilet with the books of Sri Yaputra, and he apparently did not read them there - they became thinner and thinner.
She's wiping her ass, a bitch like that ... - thought Yaputra and knocked on the priest's door, supposedly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such specific duli that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa without a bulldozer.

The man who fed the monkeys

Coming to the monkeys, Sri Yaputra said to them:
- Well cho, fucking macaques, choose: either 3 kilos of nuts in the morning, 4 - in the evening, or vice versa!
- Let's just 7 kilos in the bulldozer! - screeched the monkeys.
- Fuck you bald! - said Yaputra and gave nothing to the impudent monkeys.
He got high and started eating everything.

Fast

There was a fast, and Sri Yaputra was eating cutlets on both cheeks. The students looked at him with puzzled fucking and, finally, could not resist:
- Teacher, post is it ?! Figley ?!
- Come on to the monks! Yaputra muttered from his mouth full.
Yaputra belched, fart, hiccuped, caught up with vomit, but the students endured without a bulldozer, for even the very presence of the Teacher contributes to enlightenment so that to row my sandals.

Memory

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former teacher Chhishwabrashwan. They argued for some time, gossiped, played off jokes, blew bumps.
Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputra sighed politely.
- That is, as?! Well this is my house! - Chhishvabrashvan was surprised.
- What are you, absolutely fucking ?! Get away, the old rushed! - cried Yaputra and drove out Chhishvabrashvan. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

Dance (no water, no moon)

Once again, Yaputra was drunk. He was at the disco, where he was rowdy and twitching like a clown. People were joking. Then, shouting over the music, he told everyone:
- My twitching is a dance of the soul! Your dance is a set of dead movements! I want to be alone and jerk off! Get the fuck out of here!
With these words, he threw his shoe out the window and hit the guard with an awl in the liver. When he woke up in the bullpen, he realized that they were trying to lock him up. But he knew that it was impossible to lock up the Teacher. He thought: One thing is bad - there is no water, there is no moon ... But there is where to jerk off.

Instead of an afterword

On this terrifying river, the Battlefield of Kurukshetra, Which the Pandavas triumphantly crossed, Bhishma and Drona were like high banks, Jayadratha - river water, King of Gandhara - a blue water lily, Shalya - a shark, Krpa - a current, Karna - mighty waves, Asvatthama - To the terrible crocodiles, And Duryodhama to the maelstrom.
(an excerpt is also from some Krishnaitsky crap)
To clear the cup of your brain after reading The Joy of the Blind Monkey Who Cries, you are invited to meditate the baby. To do this, you have to read the following mantra out loud 500 times: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
The Teaching of Tao-Cocoa is perfect, because its niren does not exist !!!

One palm clap

The teacher Chhishvabrasvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
- What does one palm clap sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Master in the face.
- Not quite right, Yaputra, but you did it without thinking, without connecting your mind, which means you have comprehended Zen. Go in peace
get out from here!
So Shri Yaputra became a Teacher.

Tao-Cocoa

Shri Yaputra entered the room where the two Tao Masters were sitting? Kao-dzin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They had been arguing about something for the second week.
- Ayayay ... - said Teacher Kao-jin.
- Oyoyoy ... - said the Teacher Raprishnsh-vutra.
- If what you say is Tao, then I think I'll go ... - Yaputra said and left the room.
So Yaputra left the Tao and entered the Tao-Cocoa.

Life is perfect

The teacher Shri Yaputra once said, walking through the market:
- Life is beautiful!
But then a butcher came up to him and said:
- What makes you think so, Master? I personally have little money,
I have an ugly wife and stupid children!
Thinking, Yaputra replied:
- You're right, your life is shit!
The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonate for just that.

Perfect man

When Yaputra was a disciple, he and the Master went on foot daily in search of Zen manifestations. The teacher Chhishvabrasvan told the stories:
- The eternal bird Phoenix flew over the owl. The owl, on the other hand, ate the decomposed rat and, fearing that the Phoenix would take the prey from her, with all her might kept the rat to her. She had no idea that Phoenix had decomposed rat - before the lantern!
- You know what, Teacher, but could you in your stories do without any decomposed rats and other shit shit, by God, it's unpleasant to listen to ... - Yaputra confessed.
- You are an asshole, Yaputra! - remarked Chhishvabpashvan without any ulterior motive. Yaputra was offended.
“You must not be offended, Yaputra. In Zen, an asshole is a sage! - the Teacher encouraged.
- Yes, I had your Zen ... - muttered Shri Yaputra.

Draw the legs of the snake

The disciples once asked the Master Yaputra:
- Teacher, it's hard to understand your parables! Often times, your words sound like simple
poe ***!
- Go *** is a true compliment for my pits. They do not fit in the mind, and this is the main thing! I don’t have to chew you all! Moreover, I myself do not understand that
I bear ... You must be able to draw the legs of the snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what comes true! - the Teacher was angry. Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students specifically
precipitated (slowed down).

Step on foot (leader)

Master Shri Yaputra instructed his disciples:
- If you step on the foot of a stranger, you strongly apologize. If to a friend, apologize, but less. If to a relative - don't apologize at all!
- And if I step on your foot, Teacher? - asked the student.
- You will get a meal! - Yaputra did not lie.
- But the masters of Tao say that a leader is always an idiot! You are our
leader ?! - did not appease the stubborn student.
- You are with me, your mother, as if you will clap! - summed up Shri Yaputra.

Dumb (headless)

When Yaputra was a disciple, one day, entering the Master's room
Chhishvabrasvana saw a strange picture. The teacher was sitting opposite a man who was eating in silence.
- What are you doing, Master? - asked Shri Yaputra.
- I am talking with a dumb ... - answered the Teacher.
- Ahh, well, it is clear ... - Yaputra shook his head skeptically.
- I am a Taoist and have no head! - added the Teacher.
- It can be seen ... - Yaputra threw casually and left the room.

Sublime laziness

The disciples sat and contemplated on the koan about the staff. And then they saw the Teacher Yaputra, who was walking along the street, merrily singing a song:
- Hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smekhopanopama!
The disciples were surprised a lot and approached the Teacher with the question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reasons! - said the Teacher, and he vomited. It became obvious that the Teacher was consumed with melon. Only then could the students understand the meaning of the phrase said by the Teacher the day before: "Just give me a way! If you want to be an alcoholic, be one!"

Teacher Chishvabrasvan was sitting and meditating near the fence. I painted with a soft brush hieroglyphs of peace and humility. But then the owner of the fence came out - Russian by nationality. He did not understand the hieoroglyphs and with the words "And what
fig, did you rip me up the whole fence? "
The teacher, after lying unconscious for 2 hours, woke up with a cheerful smile and said:
- Truly speak to people in an understandable language!
After that, the Teacher was taken to a psychiatric hospital, from where he left after 5 years enlightened.

Two monks

Two monks walked along the road. Both were rather hungry. Suddenly
one of them noticed a stick lying on the road.
- Let's eat this stick! - he offered.
- She's not edible a fig! - said the second monk.
- How do you know without trying? - asked the monk and bit the stick.
All of the monk's front teeth were broken.
- You don't have to try everything to know! - said the second monk and
n ****** first foot in the groin area.

When the boots are not tight

Pyuan had very tight boots. Piyuan was in great pain, but he could not throw out his shoes because he was very poor. Piyuan even wanted to hang himself, but Master Yaputra came, broke both of Piyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was not tall, and the shoes were given to him at the very time. Piyuan, on the other hand, spent six months in the hospital and, leaving, went to the Teacher and bowed in gratitude that he saved his life by getting rid of his shoes. The teacher, however, drove him away with an angry abuse, for he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his shoes. There is no in the world of perfection, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete stsuka.

Straight tree

This was when Yaputra was still a disciple. Master Chishwabraswan said:
- Remember, Yaputra: a straight tree is always destroyed first. Become like a cool!
- So that's why you are so squalid! - Yaputra shouted, embarrassing the Teacher.

Galloped

Teacher Chhishvabrasvan argued with his former disciple Yaputra about the nature of all earthly things.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! Chhishvabrashvan vocalized.
- Oh, so no ?! - Shri Yaputra said thoughtfully and threw a chair at Chhishvabrashvan, hitting right in the boss.
So Yaputra once again galloped over his former Teacher.

The monk became enlightened. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped. But Yaputra walked past his room in search of a toilet where to go to bed. And he accidentally went to the monk's room. Having missed, Yaputra started the clock, and they went again. And the monk became a normal person again. And gave Yaputra
on the penis for antihygiene.

Path without path

Shri Yaputra crossed the road, humming a song:
- There is no death or birth,
There is no morale and foundations,
Deep wrinkles on the face
No more than the scars of life ...
A policeman approached him and asked:
- What are you singing about, Teacher?
Shri Yaputra replied:
- I sing about the proximity of death, for there is nothing more beautiful than going back to where we were before we were born ...
- So that's why you cross the street into a red light and are not afraid, sho you a car
will move ?! But the fine is all the same you have to pay! - said
policeman.

Zendo Master

One day an arrogant zendo master appeared in the city. He cursed Shri Yaputra on what the world was and assured that he would knock his arrogance off him. He was really an excellent master - he knew how to transform into a fiery column of energy. And here is such a master challenged Yaputra. Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: "In the worst case, I will give up!" and accepted the challenge. As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway in place and gradually dissolved into the air, then turned into a column of fire. Shri Yaputra's forehead was covered with cold sweat, and he prayed: "I give up!" The zendo master took on a human form again and, with a malicious smile, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Shri Yaputra gave him a
erysipelas of shafts. The zendo master is knocked out.

A strange rascal jumped across the field, collecting spikelets left by the reapers. Shri Yaputra walked past this very field at that time and, seeing such a picture, said to his disciples:
- Go and ask this scarecrow why it is jumping across the field!
The disciples went and forced the old man.
- Are you, old man, enlightened? Are you familiar with the teachings of Tao-Cocoa? You
happy? - approached the old man with the questions of Shri Yaputra and the disciples.
- Yes, I was a Taos-Cocoaos and all my life I was waiting for enlightenment. I do not
amassed riches, corrupted and indulged in gluttony. And now because of this I like
the last beggar Pindos running around the field ... - answered the old man.
- But are you still happy? After all, you lived to see such gray hairs ... - exhorted
Yaputra.
- Yes, what, in the ass, gray hair ?! I am 42 years old, and I am already an old man! - screamed the old man and turned to the disciples of Yaputra:
- Pupils, before it's too late, dump nafig
from this path of Tao-Cocoa, or else repeat my shitty fate!
- You are a gimmick, old man! - Yaputra cried out in anger and hit him in the balls with a staff. Yaputra and the disciples walked on, but the disciples thought deeply about something ...

The funeral of a famous Zen master named Yobnvrot was in progress. There were only enlightened teachers. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a drunk Shri Yaputra appeared with a harmony and began screaming obscene ditties. After that, he slapped chewing gum on the deceased's forehead and fell into a freshly dug grave. When they pulled him out of there, he kicked around and squealed: "Kazzzly! Down with conventions!"

Three treasures

The merchant Rbrbr once approached the teacher Yaputra and, wishing to test him,
asked:
- Teacher, tell me, which of the three treasures is the most valuable: wisdom, meekness or perseverance?
- Mudazwon you mudazwon, the main thing is bashli! - the Teacher laughed, hugged the merchant Rbrbr and asked him for a loan.

Do not come out of the east

The disciples approached Shri Yaputra and asked:
- Master, LSD gives us meditation and being quick. But we heard it
nefig as wrong. And when we get out of the enemy, we feel disgusting: everything is gray and wretched ...
- Don't come out of the war! - muttered Yaputra, looking somewhere into the distance with glazed eyes ...

American priest

Shri Yaputra meditated. On leaving, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. An American priest whipped whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and
fucked prostitutes. All the time I went to the toilet with the books of Sri Yaputra, and he apparently did not read them there - they became thinner and thinner. Yaputra knocked on the priest's door, ostensibly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such
Lyuli, that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa.

The man who fed the monkeys

Going to the monkeys, Shri Yaputra said to them:
- Well, cho, macaques shitty, choose: either 3 kilos of nuts in the morning, 4 - in the evening, or vice versa!
- Give 7 kilos at once! - screeched the monkeys.
- Fuck you! - said Yaputra and gave nothing to the impudent monkeys.

There was a post, and Shri Yaputra ate cutlets by both cheeks. The disciples looked at him in bewilderment and, finally, could not bear:
- Teacher, post is it ?! What ...?!
- Come on to the monks! - drunk Yaputra full of mouth. Yaputra jumped, parted, hiccuped, vomited, but the disciples were patient, because even the very presence of the Teacher contributes to enlightenment so that
you can give a shit about sandals.

Shri Yaputra came to visit his former Master Chhishvabrashvan. They argued for some time, gossiped, played jokes, blew cones. Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputra sighed politely.
- That is, as?! Well this is my house! - Chhishvabrashvan was surprised.
- Yes you cho, completely out of the way ?! Vali, old asshole! - Yaputra cried out and kicked Chhishvabrashvan out of the door. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

To clear the cup of your brain after reading "The Joy of the Blind Monkey Who Cries", you are invited to meditate. To do this, you must recite the following mantra out loud 500 times:

"Morda Morda Morda Morda Morda Morda Morda Morda"

THE TEACHING OF THE DAO-COCOA IS PERFECT, BECAUSE IT IS NO !!!