The wisdom of forgiveness: seven easy ways to get over hurt How to deal with resentment: advice from psychologists How to deal with resentment

To get a personal answer from the priest. But some of the questions cannot be answered in one letter - they require detailed discussion. Sometimes not only with a priest, but also with a psychologist. Recently we received a letter from a reader who is very worried about her oppressive feeling of resentment against a small child. Where does this feeling come from and how to deal with it? We asked our permanent author and psychologist Alexander Tkachenko to answer this letter.

Reader's letter

I often take offense at my son. He is only five years old, but he argues with me all the time, snaps, and sometimes he just deliberately does something to spite me. I try to explain to him what is so wrong to do, but usually I feel so upset that I just go to my room and cry. Then my son comes to me as if nothing had happened. And I want him to understand how much he hurt me from his behavior. And I continue to resent him. He comes and wants us to play together or I read a book to him. And I am lying on the sofa with a stone face and pretending not to notice him. He gets scared, starts crying, says "Mommy, I'm sorry." I feel very sorry for him at such moments, but I do not believe that he really realized how he offended me. And I continue to be offended.

I myself feel very bad about these recurring stories. I understand that being offended is a sin, and even more so - offended by a little son. But I can’t help myself. On the other hand, there is a commandment "Honor your parents." And my son treats me as his peer - he is rude, does not obey, all the time he wants everything to be just for him. I raise him alone, we don't have a dad. And I don't know what to do with all this. Resentment is a wrong feeling, but I can't beat it.

Svetlana

How to unpack "wrapped rage"

Psychologist Alexander Tkachenko answers the reader's question

From the point of view of psychology, there are no "right" or "wrong" feelings. There are simply feelings that a person experiences and which are not an annoying or harmful mistake. Each of them is quite real, each of them should be considered and treated with respect. And even more so - when behind them there is human pain, suffering, mental wound.
Mom's resentment against her little child is a very strong and painful feeling. And when it is devalued, declared “wrong” and explained in detail to tired, exhausted mothers why they should not experience it, it’s about the same as telling a person with a bad tooth why he is to blame for his suffering.

Moms take offense at their children. It is simply a fact of their emotional life that arises under conditions prolonged stresscaused by overwork, chronic lack of sleep, lack of support from relatives, high responsibility for the life and health of your baby. To give a negative assessment of this fact is a deliberately senseless and merciless affair, which only adds to the bitterness of an offense, the bitterness of guilt for this offense. Therefore, we will simply try here to talk about what resentment is, describe the mechanism of its occurrence and talk about how you can cope with this painful feeling.

Resentment has several names in psychology. For example: Resentment is an unspoken demand. Indeed, this feeling arises when you think that your rights were violated in some way, you were insulted, hurt, but for some reason you could not demand from your offenders that they stop behaving this way.

Resentment is sometimes called a childish feeling. This does not mean that only children can be offended. It's just that the child, in communication with his parents, very often faces the inability to express his demands to them and is forced to suppress the outbreak of emotions, since he already knows from sad experience that their open expression will not end in anything good for him.
What emotions does a child have to restrain when communicating with dad, mom, grandmother? Of course, this is anger, irritation, annoyance, anger. A child, like any other living being, experiences them from time to time. But any attempt to express them to the parents is usually suppressed, and sometimes very harshly.

Hence another definition - packed anger. Basically, resentment is a complex emotion made up of two simpler components: self-pity and anger at the abuser. It arises where a person, against his will, was forced to stop this anger, "pack" it, did not allow it to splash out on the one who caused the pain.

Oddly enough, resentment also has quite constructive functions that allow you to minimize the dangerous consequences of a conflict between loved ones.

After all, we most acutely experience the pain and injustice caused by those whose attitude we value, whom we would not like to lose. If the relationship with the person who hurt our feelings is not too important for us, we usually give a worthy rebuff, defend ourselves or attack - according to the threat that has arisen. A completely different situation arises when a person with whom he would not want to quarrel inflicts a mental wound. Then the outbreak of aggression has to be suppressed and for some time to live with this "packed" anger, until feelings calm down at least a little and there will be an opportunity to talk about them without screaming and breaking dishes.

Trying to keep the relationship from breaking up, we give up immediate self-defense. But at the same time, we still hurt, hurt and feel very sorry for ourselves. This bitter cocktail of suppressed anger and self-pity manifests itself at the bodily level in a very specific way. Resentment is easily read on a person's face by trembling lips, eyes full of pain and disappointment, impulsive movements. Or, if the reaction is dominated not by self-pity, but by anger at the offender - through tightly clenched jaws, pursed lips, and a stopped gaze.

Such a spontaneously flared resentment is both a brake on the offended person's response to aggression and an important social signal for the offender, by which he can easily determine that his words or actions have caused pain and an urgent need to correct the situation. But this happens only when both parties to the conflict are interested in continuing the relationship and have a certain degree of emotional maturity that allows them not to "get stuck" in this phase. Then, as soon as the pain from the offense subsides a little, the offended person has the opportunity to present it to his partner, to talk about his feelings. And the offender - to show compassion, regret, ask for forgiveness. In such a situation, resentment acts like a beacon that signals the captain with its fire on a stormy night: be careful, your ship is off course and is heading straight for the rocks.

These are the functions of resentment in the norm when it comes to relationships of emotionally mature people who are not prone to manipulation.

But it also happens that adults are quite accustomed to declaring any of their needs only in such a "childish" way, through offense. And then pursed lips and a stopped gaze can turn into a powerful tool for influencing a partner, into emotional "torture mites" with which such immature children will constantly pull from each other anything - from assurances of love and loyalty to a trip to a resort or buying a new one. car.

And then we can say that a person's offense has passed into the form of passion. In the Christian understanding, passion is a certain property of human nature, which was originally kind and useful, but later turned out to be disfigured by misuse beyond recognition and turned into a dangerous disease.

From a reasonable way to hold back the outbreak of anger and show the offender that he is causing you suffering, resentment can also turn into its passionate, sick form. This happens when a person “gets stuck” in his resentment for a long time and even begins to receive some paradoxical pleasure from it. In the Orthodox tradition, such a passion is called memory malice. The Monk John Climacus found a very expressive image to describe her: "... a nail driven into the soul, an unpleasant feeling, beloved in grief with delight."

Resentment is a mechanism for holding back anger and signaling to a partner about pain caused to us. But in this capacity it “works” only when it comes to people with approximately the same experience of understanding the feelings of another person.

What happens when the participants in the conflict have unequal experiences, like, for example, a mother and her five-year-old son? For ease of understanding, we will consider this situation in parts.

First question: can a mom be angry with her child? Yes, easily! She is a living person and is capable of feeling anger, for example, when a child is playing too much, stops obeying, and does not want to put away toys after herself. It is only in children's books and cartoons that mothers are always kind, affectionate, understanding and endlessly patient. In real life, any mother can have as many “angry” situations as she wants. Even the most harmless things can make her angry if she is very tired, if she hasn't had enough sleep for many nights, or if she just feels unwell.

Second question: would such an angry mother be aggressive towards her child? Different options are possible here. But still, as far as she has strength, any mother tries to restrain herself in such situations, and the reasons for this, probably, do not need to be explained.

Question three: what is the name of the feeling that arises when barely flared up anger is immediately suppressed and "packed", not finding a way out in aggressive behavior? That's right, this is it - the offense. With clenched jaws, pursed lips and a fixed gaze directed nowhere.

And now the time has come for the fourth, most important question: Can a five-year-old child correctly “read” these signs of resentment on his mother’s face and understand that she is now in pain and bad, that mother needs to be pitied and supported? It can be said with all certainty that at this age the child is not yet able to recognize the feelings of other people so subtly. He is not yet able, upon seeing his mother's changed face, to immediately say: “Mommy, dear, it seems I did something wrong. Tell me what upset you? " Most likely, he will not notice this change at all and will continue to behave further as if nothing had happened.

A very important conclusion follows from this.

In a relationship with a child, the resentment signaling function does not work. Not because he's so cruel and heartless. But because he is small and still does not know how to understand feelings, both others' and his own.

In this situation, the resentment can fulfill its tasks only half: it helps the mother to restrain her anger and not throw it out on the child who does not understand anything. But you will have to inform him about your feelings, as they say, in plain text. Without expecting miracles of discernment from him, unusual for his age.

It would seem, what is easier - to tell your son or daughter about how you feel now. However, even here there is a rule, without which such a conversation, most likely, will not lead to anything. The rule is as follows:

you only need to talk about yourself and your feelings, without shifting responsibility for them onto the child.

For example, instead of “you see what you've brought me to!”, Say: “I am very sad now and I want to cry. I do not like it when you and I quarrel. " With such a construction of phrases, the mother helps the baby not only learn to understand her feelings, but also talk about her experiences, share them. Indeed, often a child is harmful only because he does not know how to correctly express what he feels now, that he is upset or angry.

Of course, we are not talking here about indulging children in any of their whims. Education is impossible without reasonable restrictions. But in the case of resentment against the child, the mother first of all needs to learn how to cope with her emotions. And one more rule can become a serious help in this:

In no case should you use an offense against a child as an "educational tool".

This happens when a mother holds her grudge for a long time, demonstrating it in every possible way in order to cause the child to feel guilt and remorse. Alas, nothing good will come of such "education". The child does not understand the reasons for her behavior, he only sees that his mother no longer loves him, does not want to talk and play with him. Such a deprivation of maternal love for him is a disaster. No matter how harmful he may be before this, his mother is still the most important person in the world for him, she herself is this world, and her care and love is a vital force, without which the child will simply die.

Looking at his mother’s petrified face, her pursed lips, hearing her cold “go away, I don’t want to talk to you,” he only sees that his mother rejected him. His little world is crumbling, he is terrified of impending doom and understands only one thing: to survive, you need to beg forgiveness from his mother at any cost. The child, of course, does not see any connection between what is happening with the recent conflict over scattered toys or uneaten porridge. He just has no time for this, he is scared and depressed. In his sobbing "mommy, I'm sorry" only a request to return love, life and peace, which he lost overnight. And when my mother asks in the same icy tone: “why should I forgive you?”, He is completely lost, because he has no answer. And this makes mom even more angry, she considers his behavior insincere and continues to punish the guilty child with her lingering resentment. Then, of course, she will forgive him, hug him, pat him on the head and say: "Well, now you understand that you can't do this?" And the tear-stained child will nod obediently, clinging to his mother's warm hand. But instead of an edifying lesson, he will take from this story only the experience of rejection.

Now he knows that his mother can deprive him of her love at any moment and that it is very painful. The world ceases to be safe for him in the very core of his childhood life - in his relationship with his mother. Living in such an insecure world becomes scary.

And the more often the mother resorts to such "educational measures", the less chances she will have to achieve the desired result. The fact is that with repeated painful situations, the child's psyche simply reduces sensitivity to them, so as not to collapse from pain and horror. But it is impossible to selectively weaken the feeling of pain alone. Therefore, the child's general ability to experience any feelings decreases. His soul freezes, like the heart of Kai from the fairy tale about the Snow Queen. He, too, will experience joy "half-heartedly", and together with his own pain he will cease to feel someone else's.

But the most destructive consequence of such "upbringing" becomes for the child the conviction that love must be earned, that only good people are loved, who do not make mistakes, who do everything and always only right. From the point of view of Christianity, this is a completely wrong view. God says that love is given not according to the merits of the receiver, but according to the goodness of the giver: ... love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who offend you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven, for He commands His sun to rise over the wicked and the good and sends rain on the just and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what is your reward? Do not the tax collectors also do the same? (Matt 5: 44–46).

Yes, a mother can get angry with her child because of weakness. Yes, she is able to immediately "pack" her anger into an offense so as not to frighten the child during a quarrel. But there is no point in deliberately using this offense as a way of education. And this method will be too expensive for both the child and the mother.

There can be any number of reasons that make a mother take offense at her child. And each of them is important to her, no matter how insignificant it may seem from the outside. After all, this is her life, her pain and tears, her hands, drooping from powerlessness. To reproach her for such an offense means to deprive the remnants of confidence in her maternal solvency, to load her with a new portion of guilt and consciousness of her own worthlessness.

However, there is one common reason that underlies many private grievances of this kind. Knowing about her, it will be easier for mothers to cope with their feelings in difficult situations with a child. The fact is that the mother spends the first months and years of the child's life with him in almost complete emotional merger. After nine months of pregnancy, when both of their hearts were beating in her body and for two there was one breath, the mother will perceive the child as a part of herself for a long time. She will feel his emotions and desires as her own, by the shades of his crying she knows for sure whether his tummy hurts, whether he is hungry, or he is simply tired of lying in wet diapers. She needs this maternal hypersensitivity in order to understand the needs of the baby, which he does not yet know how to say in words.

But when this period of natural fusion ends and at about three years old the child has the first serious crisis of separation from the mother, it can be very difficult for her to get out of this familiar relationship. It is here that the very basis for various grievances against the child appears.

After a long emotional merger, a mother may unconsciously perceive her child as an equal. And from here to resentment for any reason - a stone's throw.

“Why is he angry and shouting at me, and I have to be silent and smile in response? Why is he mischievous on a walk, and I have to endure it and not be mischievous in return? In general, why do I owe him something all the time, but he doesn't owe me anything? "

Simply put, the mother gets offended exactly where she either perceives the child as an equal adult, or she emotionally “falls through” into childhood and sees herself as a little defenseless girl who is offended by this evil boy, whom for some reason everyone calls her son.

And if you learn to see these “failures” of yours in imaginary equality with the child, then the resentment will be several times less, and it will become much easier to experience them. There are no cunning psychological techniques here. It is enough just to know about such a danger and not deceive yourself when the mind says: “now, now you have put yourself on the same level with the baby again. Be careful, resentment is wandering around. "

The rest is a matter of skill. Having stopped herself in this way at least once, the mother gets a new experience, which she can then rely on with more confidence. The child is not equal to the adult, he is still only being formed as a person. And on this path, sometimes very unexpected discoveries await him and his mother.

For example, there are situations when children seem to test their parents for strength with their antics. But even in this case, they have a very specific task - to check to what extent our love for them extends. Are we ready to love them like that? But like this? Or even like this?

And the adulthood of parents is manifested here precisely in the ability, without collapsing, to perceive children's anger, resentment, insults and give feedback, in which there will not be the same feelings, but there will be a clearly readable answer: yes, I love you even like that, I am ready to be beside you and support you, help you. This behavior is very calming for children, because this is the behavior of a strong, elder. Someone on whom you can rely, who withstands what children have not yet learned to withstand.

The commandment to honor parents in the Old Testament is a very serious law. This can be judged at least by the fact that the law of Moses prescribed that the violators be stoned: Whoever curses his father, or his mother, must be put to death (Ex 21:17). However, this commandment is not just a generic or everyday character. The fact is that the people of Israel were primarily a religious community. And father and mother in this community were for man the very first teachers of the law. They were the first to tell him about God, how to live righteously before Him on earth, taught him to distinguish between good and evil. Anyone who has not honored parent-teachers has not honored the law itself. Those who rejected the law also rejected God, which means they became people worthless, who had no place among the living in the ancient world.

This is the inner logic of this commandment, in which it was unconditionally assumed that the father and mother would by word, deed and by their own example instruct their children in a righteous life.

Drawings by Ekaterina Royz used

Many people can live their lives loaded with resentment. Feelings of resentment are inextricably linked with the psychological aspects of its occurrence. Grievances are very diverse, they can flow out of childhood, new ones appear, acquire new additional moments.

The word itself implies a focus on the past, or rather, bad events.

This feeling actually harms the person. This feeling allows you to manipulate another person.

Sometimes people can take offense specifically to control any person, to get something for themselves. Such people understand that with the help of grudges, they can achieve a lot from the right person.

The consequences of frequent offenses

Resentment Is an emotion that prevents you from feeling the joy of the world around you. There are such acute grievances that people cannot do without a specialist who will help get rid of it. Only a psychologist will help you understand the cause of this emotion and prevent it from degenerating into a disease.

Some scholars say that resentment can undermine health. There is even a theory put forward that resentment can cause cancer, since such a person cannot forgive, and she gnaws at him from the inside. No one can change a past life

If a person is not ready for some event or does not accept it, then a feeling of resentment arises. Frequent repetition develops into a chronic form, which is called resentment. Adults can control emotions and deal with resentment, but it is very difficult for a child. Resentment, if it occurs infrequently, once, is a completely natural emotion, but it is worth getting rid of resentment.

A person can show resentment in different ways.

Some people stop communicating with the offender, others express all sorts of complaints against him, others cry and are silent. And these are just some examples. But no matter what is done, the environment will not change, it is tantamount to trying to change today's rainy weather. The offender does not care what the person feels, and he can also find many excuses for himself.

Another important point: if a person experiences an acute offense, then this situation may seem completely trifling to the offender. Maybe you are not very significant for such a person, or maybe this person himself expects more. Not all people are friendly and noble, but many people are friendly and helpful and not everyone appreciates their good qualities.

How to overcome unfair grief

To overcome such a feeling, you need to work on yourself. A balanced person, a mature person responds adequately to insults, such people are guided by reason, not feelings. You can simply tell your opponent that his words hurt the soul. Then the abuser will explain his position with reasonable arguments. He will have a feeling of remorse, shame. He will ask for forgiveness.

Be sure to find out the reasons for the upset. A mature person will strive for this. The reason must be sought not only in the opponent, but also in yourself. To say not only "you are to blame", but also to think about "why I am offended."

Very often people try to replace the offense with a joyful mood, but then it goes into the unconscious. This approach will surely cause a depressive state in the future, because the offense has not gone anywhere, has not let it slip. It is most reasonable to pronounce them, to find out the primary source of the offense.

Do not forget that it is also necessary to offend other people correctly. You should not insult a person, you need to explain the current situation, explain what caused the offense. The opponent will ask what he did, and as a result of the dialogue, the problem will be settled.

You can't hide your feelings

This approach will allow you to better understand others and yourself, remove offensive moments from thoughts. When feelings are spoken, the reason for the resentment becomes clearer. Therefore, you should not be ashamed of your experiences, emotions, talk about them. Thanks to this method, it is easy to deal with grievances, and they will not develop into resentment.

It is worth remembering the main rule: you cannot subordinate people's lives to yourself and your requirements. It is very important to learn to look for reasons in yourself, not to shift the blame onto other people. Nobody owes anyone anything. If you take this position into your arms, then it will be easy to experience resentment.

But there are people who specifically touch a person, look for weak points in him, deliberately offend him. In this case, you should not react violently, take offense, shout. Let such a situation become a lesson to perceive intentional grievances as the sound of the wind.

Many psychologists advise a variety of methods for dealing with grievances. One of the interesting ones is writing a letter to your abuser. You need to write it alone, pour out all your feelings and thoughts, perhaps even insults, on the sheet. After such an exercise, the person will definitely feel better.

Video. Why you can't take offense at your parents.

It is very difficult to live with a constant feeling of resentment. Such a state depressing, does not allow to fully enjoy life. It is necessary to forgive the offenders, to justify them, to understand. Thus, the person himself becomes much better.

Most of us regularly ask this question. From early childhood we were taught that it is not right to offend the people around us. But for some reason, they rarely talked about the fact that being offended yourself is harmful to our harmonious existence and development. It is up to you to remember the grievances or not, but let's think about whether there is any benefit from this.

Is it harmful to remember grievances for a long time?

By nature, I am a rather quick-tempered, but quick-witted person. Despite this, some time ago I could go over in my head thoughts about the unfair attitude towards me for a very long time. For example, such as: offended, not appreciated, betrayed, forgotten, and so on.

If you think about it, how much time are we willing to spend thinking about who? why? and for what? did not do to us as we expected of him. I am absolutely sure that all the thoughts that are deposited and stored in our heads about how unhappy we have become because of the ugly act of another person, ultimately lead to inadequate, low self-esteem.

As a result - to malfunctions of our nervous system, anger and a decrease in self-esteem. Well, then, as a rule, well-known ailments, nervous breakdowns, failures and disappointments begin ... In general, everything that leads to ingrained resentment against other people.

How to stop being offended and get rid of the offense?

By and large, resentment is a state when you blame others for doing something wrong to you, doing something unfair. In fact, this point of view is a losing one from the very beginning, since you expect others to treat you in a certain way, as if people “owe you something”. And in the end, after this or that person does not live up to your expectations, and resentment comes.

And of course, more often than not, we do not think about why a person did to us exactly as he did. You are hurt, you have been slandered, you are unhappy. Emotions overshadow the mind. All this is a fairly comfortable position - the position of the victim. Yes, sometimes they treat us ugly, and yes, sometimes our closest ones do this. It is bad news.

But there are also good ones. Do not forget that in your arsenal there are different options for perceiving the situation: forgive, analyze this unpleasant conflict, or let go of both the situation and the person, if your offender is just a bad person.

Unfortunately, for many, the most convenient option is to blame others for the unfair treatment, changing one environment for another. This is everyone's right, and I don’t think that an adult with such an established pattern of behavior throughout his life can be easily induced to think that he himself is to blame for his disappointments.

But returning to the question: “ how to stop being offended? ”, Remember that we are all primarily fixated on ourselves. Let's take care of ourselves, loved ones, because our long grievances lead to our illnesses, to our negative mood in life, and in the end, to loneliness. Therefore, right now, once again scrolling through the head of all those who did not treat you the way you wanted, tell yourself: “Yes, it happened. And yes, it was unpleasant for me. " Now immerse yourself for another five minutes and stay in this state. And after five minutes say to yourself: "That's it, enough offense!"

After all, your life has been going on for a long time, people come and go, and your present is now only in your beautiful hands, from the very beginning, with a clean slate! Therefore, down with resentment and "offense" and forward to your beautiful life, filled with the most wonderful people and events! 🙂

How to learn not to be offended by people?

Finally, I would like to give some simple but effective recommendations on how to take offense less.

• Remember: being offended is not constructive. The offended person often goes into a state of ignoring the offender, which does not contribute to solving the problems that caused the offense.
• Play sports and lead a healthy lifestyle: in a fast enough time, this way you will significantly strengthen nervous systemthat will smooth out such negative traits as irritability, resentment, insecurity, and so on.
• Be realistic. Don't live in a world of illusion and high expectations. Often, resentment begins when life abruptly brings you back to earth.

I hope that these simple tips will allow you to cope with resentment and continue your life path in harmony with yourself and others. All the best! Your comments are very welcome, let's discuss this topic. 🙂

Touchiness is one of the destructive human qualities. We often use this tool as a defensive response, a way to make the abuser feel guilty or manipulative. We get to know him already in childhood, imitating the reactions of adults. Over time, we begin to unconsciously take offense more and more often. It is impossible to gain control over our own experiences even when we are building a relationship with another person. Behind the constant feeling of resentment in a relationship, there is always a whole range of negative emotions - how to deal with them, I will tell you later.

What is this feeling and how does it happen

Touchiness is often a form of unrealized aggression. When you are angry or upset because of someone's words or actions, but due to certain circumstances cannot give free rein to these emotional outbursts, a block is triggered inside, turning the unexpressed into a crushing sediment.

Vulnerability is a consequence of self-doubt. If you are firmly confident in your thoughts, words, actions, know how to properly work with criticism and not take subjective assessments to heart, you know about your strengths and weaknesses and work with them, any attempts to hook you will not be taken seriously.

Another option for what is hiding behind the resentment is unjustified expectations. This is often seen in relationships when we expect one thing from a partner and get something completely different. At the same time, we do not voice or discuss our true desires in time.

The danger of these feelings is that they are able to firmly and permanently gain a foothold within us. The accumulated, unclosed experiences due to trifles, in the end, can result in much greater negative, and it will be simply impossible to stop this destructive force.

Why is a person offended: signs of severe offense

Main reasons:

• It makes people too high demands that they do not meet. Such offenders have poorly developed empathy, they do not try to take the place of another person, to understand what motives he is following and what he is experiencing. His interlocutor simply has no right to make a mistake, so it is perceived as a disaster.
• Is in the state of a child or a victim, feels weak, does not see ways to influence the situation. This is a very convenient model of behavior, which involves completely relinquishing responsibility and shifting the blame onto another. Admitting your mistake is much more difficult than blaming your neighbor for everything.
• It happens that a person is so often rejected that he has forgotten how to ask for help or talk about his desires, although they do not disappear anywhere, but turn into silent expectations. Such people try to cope with everything on their own, but on a subconscious level they expect someone to take the initiative and support them. To voice that they need help is to demonstrate their own weakness and dependence. Quiet, unspoken demands and reproaches turn into an unfounded insult: what to do with it is not easy to figure out.

Sensitivity is a dangerous trait. It is always associated with certain illusions that arise in our heads: our feelings are not taken into account, they do not think about us, they treat us cruelly. We tend to think out for others based on our own experience.

Meeting a person, starting to build a relationship with him, we create in our imagination a stunning picture of a joint future. The girls are waiting for flowers, romance and attention, and in response they hear: "In my opinion, this is nonsense and a stupid waste of money." How so? Doesn't he want to make me happy ?!

The roots of human resentment in psychology: what it is, resentment, and how to deal with it

Vulnerability is the result of deep mental trauma. This behavior is characteristic of the owners of an inferiority complex, self-doubt, low self-esteem and inability to take responsibility. Needless to say, all this greatly interferes with the development of harmonious relationships.

Touchy people are constantly waiting for help, make them happier, do what they see fit and right, and worry a lot if someone does not fit into the framework of what they want. But is your emotional state, happiness and comfort the responsibility of another person?

Do I have to fight this

You decide. Remember that innuendo and unhealed wounds make it difficult to perceive the words of others constructively, hamper the ability to love. If you don't learn to manage your emotions, they will take over. Consider how long your loved one will be able to tolerate the constant guilt that you impose on him.

Why there is resentment towards loved ones

Have you noticed that the rudeness thrown by strangers is not taken as seriously as if the same is said by the one to whom we are not indifferent? To those who become the object of our emotional attachment, we make great demands, subconsciously believing that they should guess our desires and fulfill them.

The consequences of vulnerability

In addition to frequent conflicts, quarrels that lead to a break in relationships, offended people subject their bodies to constant stress. Nobody canceled psychosomatics, therefore any negative that we accumulate inside can ultimately result in the development of serious diseases. Unwilling or unable to forgive, we preoccupy our thoughts with self-pity, accusations, and anger. Definitely, it interferes with the enjoyment of life, forms a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, becomes the cause of irritability and nervousness.

How to learn not to be offended by loved ones

The first thing to do when feeling this emotion is to become aware of it. The only way to understand and correct the situation is to accept and articulate what is bothering you. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the one who hurt you. Did he really want it? Is he aware of what has been said or done? Often we think out and take too close to our hearts that which in fact has no direct relation to us. Perhaps your husband responded sharply to you because he is in a bad mood because of problems at work. Everyone has different values, priorities and pictures of the world.

Remember that you yourself are tired, sleepy, forgetful and inattentive - anything can happen in your head and in life. And you are far from always ready to consciously control your state, reaction and behavior.

Learn to catch yourself in the moment of approaching negative emotions and ask the alleged abuser clarifying questions. Understand if he really wanted to hurt you, or if you are simply drawing unfounded conclusions about his words.

Understand why you are offended by everything and how to prevent this

Increase your emotional intelligence and awareness. Try starting a mood diary, stopping occasionally and noticing:

• How are you feeling now?
• Why did this feeling arise?

Write down the answers to these questions, and in doing so, collect the moments that affect your condition.

Cultivate positive thinking, learn to have fun and translate into a joke any conscious and unconscious attempts to offend you. Keep it simple and let people make mistakes. Farewell. You will see - life will become much more pleasant.

How not to pay attention to trifles and not look for reasons for grudges in life: value your time

Taking offense means spending a lot of nerves and energy on fruitless thoughts, self-pity. Let your mind be occupied with more important things: good job, desire to have a good time with a loved one, a hobby. If you find a free moment to get angry and offended, then you can find a place in the schedule for creation.

Go in for sports

Switch your head from negativity to internal and external transformations. Physical activity fills the body with vigor, improves mood and helps free the mind from unnecessary thoughts.

read books

Enrich your inner world. Touchiness, from the point of view of my psychology, is a trait of insecure people who often feel resentment, including themselves. To develop confidence, you need to constantly grow above yourself, develop, expand the boundaries of the worldview.

Correct society

Pay attention to those with whom you communicate most often. How do these people influence you? Do you benefit from this communication? Minimize contact with those who are often offended, judgmental of others. Consider how you can expand your environment by filling your space with successful, positive, developing people.

How to get rid of resentment against a man and not be touchy

Talk about what bothers you, do not remain silent

Do not postpone solving the problem for later. There may not be a convenient opportunity, and negative emotions are layering like a snowball. At the same time, when talking about your feelings, be delicate, not demanding, so as not to allow a scandal to arise.

Explain to your loved one exactly what caused your frustration or anger. Forever forget that he has to guess everything himself. His world does not revolve around you - accept this fact and be aware of your man as a separate person with your "cockroaches".

Finding common ground can be difficult at first, but this is the essence of building relationships. Over time, you will see that you can stop many conflicts from arising with a simple conversation, started on time.

Don't argue, but look for a common solution

Often a woman does not understand how to cope with resentment and anger at her husband, because he is principled and does not share her opinion. Men tend to want to prove their case at all costs, even if they changed their position during the dispute. Don't get emotional. Calmly explain to your opponent that you do not want to swear, and the purpose of this conversation is to come to a compromise. Be sure to let him know that you hear and accept his point of view.

Establish communication rules

If you are offended by your spouse's rude behavior, do not seek to redo it, but together agree on certain boundaries. Surely, he also has something to "show" to you. Promise that you will take a step towards him and work on your resentment, offer to leave work outside the house (if the reason for his bad mood lies in this). Discuss general norms in different areas of life. After that, you no longer have to explain to your husband what offended you - just remind you of the contract.

Forgive old grudges

Organize an evening where you carefully discuss everything that has accumulated inside. It is important to initially set the correct vector for the development of the conversation, set the man up for the fact that you came in peace. Do not blame in any way. Tell us how you feel, and ask if he had the same feeling? Perhaps you too stumbled once?

Find a reciprocal way to let off steam

Come up with a kind of ritual that will help you not to keep the annoyance inside. Make a whipping pillow, close up and yell in the room - it can be anything (depending on the nature and temperament of your relationship). By getting rid of unnecessary emotions, it will be easier for you to conduct a constructive dialogue.

How to deal with intense resentment and betrayal of a man

Each person has something that he cannot forgive. For example, treason, deception. It is important to outline these boundaries already at the initial stage of building relationships in order to avoid misunderstandings and the formation of tacit expectations in the future.

10 tips from psychologist Daria Milay to get rid of resentment

• Never make major decisions while in this state.
• First, answer yourself: what exactly offended you, why it could have happened and why you are unable to react otherwise. Only then tell the abuser about your feelings.
• To remove the first emotions, take any object that will personify the person who offended you, and express everything that boils.
• If it's too difficult to discuss a problem, write a letter. It is not necessary to show it to the addressee afterwards - boldly pour out on paper everything that worries.
• Use the self-model in dialogue. Instead of the accusatory "You hit me!" say "I am very upset about your words / actions." The accused will always defend himself, and in the second case, you simply offer to listen to you.
• Try to put yourself in the shoes of the abuser. Think about what could have moved him. Perhaps he is also on emotions, and now you should not take his remarks seriously?
• Express your gratitude to the person you are offended with. He opened before you a large area of \u200b\u200bgrowth and work on yourself.
• Don't beat yourself up for being hurt. They are common to everyone.
• Realize and accept that no one should live up to your expectations.
• Build your self-esteem. Self-confident people do not accept negativity and know how to filter out valuable and unworthy information.

Conclusion

Let me summarize a little. What to do if you suddenly feel that you are offended:

• Get to the bottom of the true emotions that you are experiencing (what is it - sadness, anger, disappointment?
• Understand if your feelings are related to the fact that internally you agree with the abuser, but do not want to accept it.
• In no case do not accumulate negativity in yourself - solve problems quickly and set boundaries in communication.
• Don't make the person feel guilty, but carefully point out the mistake.
• Goodbye and breathe deeply!

If you do not understand how to deal with resentment against your husband, get rid of her and vulnerability, overcome resentment with the help of psychology and stop resenting everyone, sign up for mine and get answers to painful questions. Together we will find the true causes of the problem and make a plan to solve it.

As the famous Sigmund Freud used to say, almost all our problems, complexes and other troubles have roots in childhood, that is, all this develops in childhood under the influence of various negative factors. Small children begin to get acquainted with feelings of resentment from about two years old.

Up to this age, babies may feel angry, but not offended. Children often adopt this emotion and their elders and begin to manipulate adults with the help of their grievances. Together with you, we will figure out where the grievances come from and how to compete with them?

This emotion arises when a situation arises when the expected behavior of a person from his real deed arises. Thus, resentment has three dimensions:

• building expectations;
• observation of actions;
• comparison of aspirations and reality.

Simply put, we expect understanding from a partner or friend, some kind of action in our direction, but we do not tell him about it.

And we even ate and said that we firmly believe that a person will do exactly as we ask, regardless of their own desires and capabilities.

Of course, in family and relationships, we all, without exception, expect love, respect, care. But, importantly, for some reason we are in no hurry to talk about our desires.

Moreover, a model of relationships firmly sits in our head (based on the parental family or TV series and ladies' novels), not realizing that our partner may have an excellent relationship model in his mind.

But if you think about it, this model of behavior is fundamentally wrong! After all, no one owes anything to anyone!

It is very foolish to devote your life to a person, forgetting about yourself. It just means that you do not value yourself, and you will get nothing from the relationship. So it turns out that all our life we \u200b\u200bexpect something from a person who, in principle, cannot give us this!

Resentment towards loved ones

All worthwhile relationships have only one future - a bright and beautiful future. Anything good that we receive in a relationship should be valued as a gift.

It is not so easy for outsiders to offend us, but very easy for a loved one. After all, we do not expect anything from a stranger, therefore we do not get angry. But a casually thrown rudeness or a sharp remark from a loved one hurts very much.

Roots of resentment

Undoubtedly, at the root of resentment there is always some kind of deep mental trauma. An inferiority complex is often to blame. Constant self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to take responsibility - all this only complicates your relationship with loved ones.

It is the eternal expectation that you will be suddenly appreciated and will help you do something for you. When this does not happen, you become very upset.

You can of course hold other people responsible for your happiness and success. But then these people will always influence your mood and attitude. Your happiness is only in your hands, do not give it to others.

Do I have to fight this

Do not think that these are just big words. Internal grievances, like non-healing wounds, do not allow us to love and live a full life, lead to illness and even death.

Make a choice now, take life into their own hands once and for all. Manage your feelings of resentment completely, do not let this emotion rule you. It is like a poison that eats away at your being.

Being able to manage your emotions is an indisputable advantage of a person at any time. We have selected for you ten most effective practices for getting rid of this destructive emotion, by exercising in which you will gradually cope with it.

Pull yourself together and never make serious decisions in a state of resentment. Learn to take control of your emotions.

Running and hitting back on the offender is not the best option. Take a photo of him, and if not, a stuffed animal and a toy or pillow. Imagining that this object is the offender presented to you - speak out to him.

Explain in detail what exactly touched you and did not suit you. This task will teach you to clearly and clearly identify what you want and what you don't.

Take an object (a stuffed toy, for example) and imagine that your abuser is in front of you. Express all your pain and bitterness through physical exposure to this item. If you feel like crying, feel free to shed your tears!

If speaking out for you is a problem, just write a letter to the abuser. Pour on paper whatever you think about the offensive situation. After completing this practice, the letter can be destroyed.

Learn to conduct a constructive dialogue, without unnecessary emotions and insults. In a conversation with the abuser, you should not use "you-messages", but the "self-message" model. That is, do not tell the interlocutor: "You offended me!" Tell the one who offended you: "I am very offended, your words (actions) upset me very much."

After all, if a person is accused of something, he begins to defend himself. But if you say everything that you feel, perhaps the offender will penetrate and think about his behavior.

Put yourself in the shoes of the offender, perhaps he does it unconsciously. Or he simply does not focus on his actions. It is even possible that this person has become accustomed to such a pattern of behavior since childhood.

Oddly enough, you can say "Thank you!" to your abuser. After all, he revealed your weaknesses, and now you have something to work on.

It may sound silly, but you need to forgive yourself for taking offense. Forgive yourself and it will be easier.

Try to understand once and for all that what people do is, for the most part, neither good nor bad.

Go through all your friends and acquaintances in your mind, are there people among them who never take offense? Why do you think they are so persistent? And the thing is that these people are very confident in themselves, their self-esteem is simply impenetrable for insults. These people are the masters of their lives, they do not depend on others, but rely only on themselves.

So how do you deal with resentment?

• do not get feverish - do not solve important issues in a state of anger;
• if grievances are your regular guests, consider why this is happening. You may have self-esteem problems. Of course, you won't solve it in one day. But when you become more confident in yourself, there will definitely be fewer offenders around;
• do not accumulate grievances in yourself, because they can become the causes of diseases and disorders. Forgive the offense and live life to the fullest!