Children need to feel that they are respected. Therefore, the attitude towards them should be the most attentive, the appeal is polite and consistent. Children need them to be appreciated and seen full-fledged people in them, and not "incursions" to parents who can be pampered at their own discretion. Children need to be respected as independent personalities who have their own will and desires.

If you handle your child without proper respect, his self-esteem will dramatically decline, he will defiantly hold on to others. Ultimately, he will completely be on hand. Children whose parents belong to them as the creatures of the second grade, often just sure that something is wrong with them, it is often becoming their subconscious belief.

Children need to be treated with the same respect we demand and we ourselves.For example, the phrase "Sorry, the Sunshine, now I have no free minute" to say as easily as the phrase "stop me pulling me! You do not see - I'm busy? " The first will take you no longer than the second. But on the child these phrases are completely different. Ordinary politeness can sometimes make a strongest impression.

For a child, even for a teenager who pretends that he is all indifferent, - in fact, it is literally everything: the opinions of his parents, their attitude to everyone and all their actions.

Indilament, rudeness, inattentive adhesion from adults is often the result of our inconsistency. We forget that children have the same needs as in adults, and we do not think about how it affects the guys what and as we say.

If you treat the child respectfully, he will have a wonderful mood and, most likely, your baby will be precious to respectfully with other people - including, and with its own children with time.

I will try to give examples of how parents can improve their attitude towards children.

Rudeness, ignorant

Once I watched how one friend my friend talked with his eight-year-old son. The boy was enthusiastic told something to his father, but suddenly the phone rang, his father got up and, without saying his son, he raised the phone and started a long conversation. When the boy approached him and tried to continue his story, his father frowned and made him a remark: "We behave politely! You do not see - I speak! ", Asks, who in this situation behaved impolitiously?

And what if, having heard a phone call, my father said the boy: "Sorry, Bobby, let's find out who calls it. I'll be right back". And if he told the Subscriber: "I apologize, I will call you soon. Now I speak with my son "? It would not be just a tribute to respect - think only what a boy would feel myself.

Once, I did not find something at work. The annoyed, I left home before usual. My son has already returned from school, he sat at the table in the kitchen and ate cornflakes with milk. The door of the refrigerator was open. I began to dispense my son, calling him stretching and stealing that the food quickly flies in the open refrigerator and that we cannot allow themselves such spending. And then my David looked around. "Why are you roaring?" - I shouted. "I'm inadvertently, and you shout at me, as if I am a villain," he replied. "Oh, oh, the baby, you can think! .." I exclaimed and jumped out into the street.

To grasp, I walked a little around the city. And gradually began to reach me that my reaction is inadequately happened and that the reason for the outbreak is not a son and not a refrigerator, but my own bad mood and problems at work. I behaved, in essence, as if every evening, before going to bed, my boy re-made a list of "Ten ways to bring dad to white crown." Of course, David did not specifically leave the refrigerator open, but I talked and behaved as if the boy had committed serious misdemeanor. I went with him, to put it mildly, disrespectful. Realizing this, I returned home and asked for a sorry from the son.

False

Lie is another kind of disrespectful relationship. It is not true to kill baby trust.We as if we give our children to understand: it is normal that in a conversation with younger adults can lie.

It all starts with the little things. For example, you say to the child: "This is for your benefit," although you know perfectly well what is first of all - this is for your convenience. Or give a promise and do not fulfill it, try to get out somehow. By doing this way, we interfere with your child to understand the very essence of lies. Later, punishing him for the lies, we exacerbate the situation even more.

At the subconscious level, the emotional tension of the child can reach a huge plant: he wants a father with his mother with the incarnations of virtue, and at the same time sees and feel their insincerity. When we become older and begin to realize that parents are ordinary people who are able to make mistakes and having their drawbacks - it often causes surprise and even anxiety.

When communicating with children - especially with children! - Honesty is the best thing you can come up with.

Humiliation

If the child is mistaken or does not listen, and in response we begin to call it with rude words ("Stupitsa", "Fool", "Lazy", "Jadda", "Egoist", etc.) or somehow to humiliate in a word intonation or action, then we are at the highest degree disrespectful. Parents should strive to understand the reasons for the disagreeable deeds of the Son or daughter and help them behave like a fit.

Inappropriate or excessive anger, irritation or ridicule of parents provoke a child to protect their position with all his might - for example, respond to the same.The effectiveness of such parent comments is striving for zero. For example, if a high school student, not too conscientiously belonging to their studies, mockingly to say that after school he will have to get a job as a dishwasher, "since you will not be used for anything without a college diploma," it will be rude and inefficient. And if a teenage girl declare that in such a dress and with such makeup she looks like confused, then in the future she is unlikely to be advised to consult with you.

Disranged: "Listen in the alive"

Every time we do not listen to our children, you are distracted, we do not pay attention to them and even ignore, we demonstrate our disrespectful attitude towards them. For example, a child tells us something, and we do not answer him or change the topic of conversation, without reacting to what has been said. Or often interrupt the baby on the half-tone and load it with some kind of tasks. When our friend or relative asks a child: "How are you doing at school, Annie?" We immediately inclusion, responding instead of Annie. In each of these cases, we do disrespectful.

Summary

If we want our children to respect themselves and others, we ourselves must be polite with them, attentive and respectful. We should avoid ridicule, humiliation, screams: irritability and alentability should be minimized. Need to stop lying, learn to listen more and talk less. It is impossible to perceive children as inanimate objects that should be managed and manipulated - in children you need to see full-fledged personalities.

Parents need to smallerly command and advise more. It is also necessary to teach yourself to say "please", "thank you" and "I apologize" - yes, even with your children. It should be remembered that children also have feelings, and how to talk, sometimes it is even more important than what to say.

This does not mean that we should turn into saints or that the children cannot be made any requirements. But if the parent understands that his children need respect, and is well imagine, what should be this respectful relationship, then such a parent will continue to develop and benefit from this will receive his children and he himself.

Need to feel your own significance

Feel your significance means for a child to feel your own strength, influence, value, feel that "I know something." This need is manifested at the most gentle age.

If children do not feel necessary and useful (and in our time it is one of the main children's problems), if they do not get to satisfy this need "legally", children will most likely try to attract attention to any far from harmless way.They can draw up, get out, start to keep, can contact some kind of gang or a gang; Press up to drugs, start leading a messy sex life, to become a crime path. Cm.

Relationship needs.

These include needs, both in self-esteem, and in respect from others, including prestige needs, authority, authorities, service promotion. Self-esteem is usually formed when the goal is reached; In addition, it is associated with the availability of independence and independence. The need for respecting other people orient a person to conquer and obtain public recognition, reputation, status inside the group, the external manifestations of which may be an expression of recognition, praise, honorary titles, promotion, etc.

Needs to self-realization (self-expression)

They include creativity needs, in the implementation of their own ideas, the implementation of individual abilities, identity development, including cognitive, aesthetic, etc. needs. In its nature, the need for self-realization is more individual than others. They characterize the highest level of manifestation of human activity.

The first four levels of needs are commonly called the needs of the deficit, since the degree of their satisfaction has the limit. The fifth type of needs - the need for self-realization is the needs of growth, which may be limitless.

According to the model of the butter, there is a hierarchy between all groups of needs, a certain relation that can be depicted as a pyramid. Also, the first two levels of needs are considered primary, and the following three - secondary.

Each person (with rare exceptions associated with pathology) constantly needs recognition in sustainable and, as a rule, a high assessment of its own advantages, each of us needs and respect the people around us, and the opportunity to respect themselves. The needs of this level are divided into two classes. The first includes the desires and aspirations associated with the concept of "achievement". A person needs a feeling of his own power, adequacy, competence, he needs a sense of confidence, independence and freedom. 14 In the second class of needs, we include the need for reputation or in prestige (we define these concepts as respect for others), the need to conquer the status, attention, recognition, fame. The question of these needs is only indirectly rises in the works of Alfred Adler and its followers and is almost not affected by Freud. However, today psychoanalysts and clinical psychologists tend to attach more importance to the needs of this class.

Satisfying the need for evaluation, respect gives rise to a sense of self-confidence, a sense of self-importance, strength, adequacy, feeling that it is useful and necessary in this world. The unsatisfied need, on the contrary, causes him a sense of humiliation, weakness, helplessness, which, in turn, serve as the soil for despondency, launch compensatory and neurotic mechanisms. Studies of severe cases of post-traumatic neuroses help us understand how much a person needs a sense of self-confidence and how helpless a person deprived of this feeling (222). fifteen

Theological discussions about pride and pride, numerous theories of deep dissociation (or non-compliance with natural nature), aged in the spirit of Froms philosophy, Rogersov's research "I", the work of esseist such as Ein Rand (388) contribute to an increasingly understanding understanding of the dangerous consequences of unrealistic self-esteem - self-esteem , constructed only on the basis of the judgments of the surrounding and inconsistent with the real abilities, knowledge and skills of man. It can be said that self-esteem only then will be sustainable and healthy when it grows from honored Respect, and not from the loss of others, not from the fact of fame or fame. It is necessary to clearly understand the difference between the achievement itself and associated with a sense of competence, meanwhile, which has been acquired solely with the effort of will, with an increase in the responsible attitude to the case, and what came to you as a result of the implementation of your natural, spontaneous inconsistencies, which is given to you Nature, a constitution, biological purpose, fate, or, in the words of Horney, your real me, and not idealized pseudo-me (199).

The need for self-actualization

Even if all the above-mentioned needs of a person are satisfied, we have the right to expect that he will soon feel dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction is because he does not do at all about what is predisposed. It is clear that the musician should do the music, the artist is to write pictures, and the poet is to compose poems, if, of course, they want to live in the world with themselves. Human must Behold who he is can be. A person feels that he must match his own nature. This need can be called the need for self-actualization. It is discussed in more detail in Chapter 11.

The term "self-actualization", invented by Kurt Goldestein (160), is used in this book in a slightly narrow, more specific value. Speaking of self-actualization, I mean the desire of a person to self-effectiveness, to the embodiment in reality potentially inherent opportunities. This desire can be called a desire for self-identity, identity.

Obviously, different people have this need expressed in different ways. One person wants to become an ideal parent, another seeks to achieve sports heights, the third is trying to create or invent. 16 It seems that at this level of motivation to outline the limits of individual differences is almost impossible.

As a rule, a person begins to feel the need for self-actualization only after satisfying the needs of the underlying levels.

The need for respect, recognition.

Respect, recognition from other people is an indicator, an indicator of the extent to which the identity is developed as an information system. The person takes the greatest respect than he knows and the more knows the basis of this knowledge.

The need for self-development and self-realization.

The criterion for human development is the level of accumulated skills, skills, knowledge, T.S. First of all, the level of man as an information system.

It remains to supplement the Pyramid A. Maslow with two key human needs. This is the need for information (knowledge) and the need for self-definition. The need of a person in informationIn operations on its collection (any type of human activity can be interpreted as the process of forming and developing its own information system) is key, since the remaining needs actually act as a means of satisfying this major need. The need for self-definition It follows that a person, being part of the Universe, does not have all the full information, knowledge. If a person had full information about the universe, the concepts of the human "I" and the universe merged into a certain whole. Models of explanation of the universe are changing as the human development is developed as an information system.

(from primitive early religious concepts to modern thickening theories). The need for a person in religion will remain as long as a person will have full information about the universe, i.e. It does not merge with him. The question of the possibility of this remains open.

However, it is impossible to forget that entropy processes are also manifested in human life. Another objective need of a person should be remembered, which is ignored by most economic theories, but actually satisfied with the business in practice.

It can be stated that a person is a dualistic creature. The human being is influenced both non-neutropy processes (desire to orderliness, awareness) and entropy processes (disorders, chaos). Another 3. Freud noted that a person is inherent in two unconscious attractions: the instinct of life, which is based on the energy of libido - sexual attraction, and Tanatos, the instinct of death, is energy aimed at destruction. The facts of human history are forced to take into account this inherent quality. It suffices to remember the same phenomenon of the XX century. Like fascism. The thrust turn all the living in the dead was realized by mass murders in the concentration camps and on the battlefields. Hundreds of cities and whole countries were destroyed. It should be noted that not only the highest leaders, but ordinary citizens, are guilty of millions of people in countries with extremist regimes. Palaches became thousands, and in military uniforms and millions of people. XXI century did not make significant changes in human nature. Every day, people are dying in local conflicts, monstrous terrorist acts carry out the lives of hundreds and thousands of people. It should also be stated that the tendency to destruction can be directed both by the attitude towards the outside world and but the attitude towards itself. From suicides of people die no less than from natural disasters. Followers of sects of Satanists kill not only other people, but also themselves. The instinct of destruction is peculiar to people in varying degrees, but even the most humane people and theories are not devoid of this need completely. The principle "not killing" exists in almost all world religions, but most of them actually justifies violence in response to counter violence (the murder is justified if there is a deadly threat to the person of a person, his loved ones). Accordingly, there is nothing surprising in the fact that the followers of various religions resort to physical violence.

Finally, to live, a person is forced to kill living beings of lower orders - coming animals, plants, a man kills them. Saving your own life, the living often forced to kill another living. Such is the difficult dialectic of the universe, in which there is a person. It suggests a conclusion: to understand what life is, it is necessary to determine what death is. It is required to answer the question that happens with the information that the living organism accumulates. There is no unambiguous answer to this question today. Here are some hypothesis:

• With death, the accumulated information is lost completely;
• The accumulated information through the mechanism of genetic heredity is transmitted to the offspring;
• Cumulative information (soul) with death is transferred to the Higher Being (God);
• Information is transmitted to other newly born to people or living beings (the theory of resettlement souls is a circle of Sansary).

While most hypotheses are reduced to the fact that the accumulated information is not lost completely, and goes into some new quality.

The disappearance of one information system is accompanied by the emergence or development of another information system. You can offer the following model of human needs - "swing" (Fig. 3.2).

The human being balanced on the verge of two multidirectional types of needs: non-citizen and entropy. First of all, at birth, a person satisfies its non-neutropy needs: seeks to accumulate maximum information. For this, they are implemented by the needs reflected in the modified Pyramid A. Oil (the pyramid of "life"). Accordingly, at the beginning of the life of "Swing" tend towards non-citizens. To implement their non-mentioned needs, a person is forced to resort to entropy processes: kill animals and plants to have food, kill to protect their lives. With age, a person exhausts a certain resource that allows him to effectively accumulate information, and natural death comes. "Swing" shift towards entropy needs. Murder (consumption) of animals and plants, the natural death of a person is primary entropy needs, without which the satisfaction of information needs is impossible. It can be assumed that the death of a person (the decay of one information system) means the birth of another life (the emergence of another information system). In addition to primary entropy needs, the secondary needs aimed at destruction can be allocated - imitation of destruction (books, movies, electronic games, containing scenes of violence and destruction, and so-called); consumption of substances in varying degrees of destructive human body (drugs, alcohol, tobacco); The need for activities, objectively harmful to humans (gambling - gambling - akin to drug addiction, with the difference that the dependent receives endorrons is not from the outside, but from the inside of the body; in Russia, about 2 million people suffer in Russia), the need for Suicide, the need for aggression against other people P in the destruction of objects of the outside world. In the aggregate, all these needs form the pyramid of "death" (chaos).

The degree of human exposure to secondary entropy needs depends on a number of factors. First of all, it is necessary to allocate:

• Genetic heredity (a tendency to the extreme forms of aggressive behavior can be inherited);
• the degree of "favorable - hostility" of the social environment;
• The nature of the impact of the natural environment (here is probably the first place you need to influence the person of solar activity: much depends on the place of living of a person).

Fig. 3.2.

It is hypothetically to try to imagine the world in which there are no entropy processes. Most likely, this is a kind of singularity that physicists write in the theory of a large explosion, where there is no time or space. It is impossible to exclude the hypothesis that part of people is even able to move into other qualitative conditions (the complete lack of entropy needs), but in this case a person ceases to be actually a person with characteristics peculiar to it.

Economic theory and practice should be proceeding from objective reality: people, although in varying degrees, have the need for destruction (manic killers and destroyers is a small percentage of people). The task is to satisfy it with minimal costs and losses for humans and humanity. It is advisable to learn how to identify people with abnormal needs in destroying and learn to effectively correct their behavior. In the future, at the expense of the achievements of science (religion), you can try to overcome this need, change the quality nature of the person. The evolutionary process gives a certain hope for it. Gradually, humanity goes from cannibalism, gladiator fights, slavery. Professional sport, filmoboeviki, thrillers, detective novels, etc. allow you to satisfy aggressive needs in a more civilized form. It should be emphasized again that people are killing not because they watched a movie with murder, but on the contrary - they look at this film (pay for this money), because they have the appropriate need. Although the opposite is also not denying.

Men in love and close relationships are important faith in its strength and ability, the lack of reproaches to him (accepting it as it is), appreciation for his care, admiration for its achievements, approval of his decisions and encouraging his efforts. Women are interested in others, namely care, understanding, respect, dedication, recognition, reinforcement of confidence.

This is the root consecration needs of a man and a woman in love. It means that:

• Men are also nice that it is necessary for women, and women will not refuse to give up that it is so important to men, but the priorities of an important thing for them are the specified needs.
• Men tend to give a woman what is expensive to men themselves (the needs of the male list): they seem to them expensive, and women are not much appreciated. Similarly, men do not appreciate the most expensive (in the understanding of women), which is a female list.
• Men will not appreciate care of themselves until he trust in themselves. Woman will not appreciate the confidence until it feels care.

Steam relationship of male and female needs

1. She needs care, his confidence (faith in his ability)

When a man expresses care and understanding, it takes interest in the senses of the partner and sincerely stricken about her well-being, the woman automatically responds to him confidence and accepting it as it is. When a woman shoots her trust man (you will cope with everything without my tips), he automatically responds to his care, which is so needed by his girlfriend.

Trusting a man, a woman becomes more fully revealed to meet him, she is able to receive much more from relationships - and the man begins to feel that he really trust him. So, he does everything that depends on him - a man is relaxed, satisfied and with pleasure reacts to a woman.

What is confidence (faith in his ability) for a man, see the knight in sparkling armor

2. She needs an understanding, to him - accepting the way it is

When a man without irritation, but on the contrary - with empathy and keen interest listens to a woman talking about her cherished, she feels that she heard and understood. Understanding does not imply guessing thoughts and feelings: it is to learn from the heard information and correctly appreciate it. The more satisfied the need of a woman being heard and understand, the easier it is to take to her a man as it is (but it is necessary for him).

When a woman meets a man with love, not trying to redo him, he feels that he is accepted with all his advantages and minuses. The partner does not consider him an ideal at all, but it gives to understand: she is not going to "improve" him, believing that a man will do it himself. With this attitude, it is much easier for him to listen to the partner and understand her aspirations - and this is exactly what she needs.

3. She needs respect, His appreciation

When in handling a woman, a man recognizes and puts on its first place her right, desire, needs, thoughts and feelings, she is sure that she is respected. Specific, tangible expressions of this respect - Flowers, the memory of the birthday, family dates, etc. - are very important to meet the third of the priority female love needs. A woman who felt respect for a man is much easier to show appreciation to him, which he deserves.

When, as a result of the efforts of a man, a woman is good, she grateful to him for it. Appreciation is a natural response to a sense of support. Feeling gratitude to a woman, a man knows that his efforts did not disappear, and will double them with new forces. And respect for partner will increase.

4. She needs a devotion, to him - admiration

When a man puts in the head of the corner of women's requests (and not their own interests - work, study, entertainment, etc.) and is proud to keep it in everything, he satisfies the fourth priority need to be beloved. Feeling that it takes the most important place in his life, a woman not only blooms, but also easily begins to admire the partner.

Just as a woman needs a devotion to a man, he needs her admiration. To admire a man - it means to lick him with delight, joyful surprise, approval and pleasure. He feels admiration for the partner when that happily amazed, finding some special quality or talent in it. It may be a sense of humor, strength, dedication, integrity of nature, honesty, romanticism, kindness, love, understanding and other, so-called old-fashioned, virtues. Feeling admiration of the girlfriend, a man acquires enough confidence to devote himself to devote himself to a woman and adore her.

5. She needs recognition, to him - approval

When a man does not look down on the feelings and desires of a woman, he does not argue with them, but he accepts and recognizes them, so to speak, a legality, a woman feels a loved one, because the fifth of its first priority needs in the field of love is satisfied. (It is important to remember that he can recognize the point of view of the partner, while having his own.) When a man makes it clear to a woman, which recognizes her rights, he receives approval from her side, which he is extremely necessary.

In the depths of the soul, each man wants to be for her beloved hero, a knight in sparkling armor. The sign that he passed the test on the title of knight, serves the approval of a friend, testifying that the partner is good for her and it is quite satisfied with them. (Remember: to express my approval does not always mean to agree with him.) Approval is the recognition of his actions or hope that the partner drives good intentions. Getting so necessary support, a man is easier to recognize the validity of the feelings of the partner.

6. She needs to reinforce confidence, he is encouraging

When a man repeatedly proves to a woman, which understands, respects, appreciates her, devoted to her, cares about her, thereby satisfying another of her priority needs: a woman needs confirmation that they are doing well. Such behavior of a man means for a partner that it always loves.

A man usually makes a mistake, believing that since he soon satisfied all the priority needs of his partner in the field of love, and she feels happy and confident, now it will forever believes that she loves her. However, it is not. A man will come up again and reinforce the confidence of a woman.

One of the priorities of a man is a promotion of a woman. The approval behavior of the girlfriend gives him hope and stimulus, as it expresses faith in his ability and the power of character. When the partner deals with a man's trust, appreciation, admiration and approval, accepts it as he is, it inspires him to become if possible, it is even better that, in turn, drives a partner again and reinforce the confidence of a woman in his love - And this is something like her.

From the book of D. Gray "Men from Mars, Women from Venus."

Video from Yana Happiness: Interview with Professor Psychology N.I. Kozlov

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