How to recognize a gay - advice from psychologists. What is the difference between gay and straight are the surest signs. Former gay describes the process of changing orientation

Hello everyone. I'll tell you my story ... My friends and I began to constantly hang out in the same club, new to us. It was great, good atmosphere, wonderful people. This place was considered a gay club, but everyone hung out there. And then we became very good friends with a group of gays. One of them was very interested in me - Dima. For some reason it seemed to me that he was pretending to be gay, because he looked masculine for a gay man. But no, Dima turned out to be really gay, he realized this at 17, when he was still I liked the girls. He had the first sex with a classmate and he was "beaten off" from the female ... The reasons were deeply hidden somewhere. This and much more I began to learn about him, because we began to communicate outside the club, went for a walk together. He has a boyfriend, Lesha. They are both 22 years old and I realized that they know exactly who they want to be in life. But once Dima called me for a serious conversation ... In general, his parents do not even know that he is gay. His father told him that if you bring your girlfriend, only in this case I will give you the keys to a new apartment, a car and all that is required for life. Only that he soon gets married and they have a continuation. His father is concerned about this idea. And so Dima said that only I of all his friends girls could keep him "company" so to speak. Besides, he said, he knows that I'm tired of living with my parents who saw, and I'm not little, I'm 22 years old ... So we'll live awesome. And you know, I agreed. Dima's parents liked me. When we moved into a new apartment, I was just shocked ... I never thought that I would live in a house where everything is under the euro :) It's just that Dima is a quitter, he never worked much, sat on Dad's shoulders. Father was fed up with this, and said he would give it all to him, but at least let him have a wife and a child soon. But I wasn’t going to give birth to a child yet, we had no idea how it would turn out with us :) And now we healed really awesome! Party people, friends, girlfriends at home. But I didn’t quit working, I’m a dentist. his dad piled a lot of money for us, but he kept saying about children. 3 months passed and I realized that I fell in love like a fool ... with a gay! But I saw that Dima was also not indifferent to me, cared for me. We did not live like a fictitious couple, each with our own lives, but still just spent a lot of time together Although Lesha often interfered with him, he spent 4 nights a week in his room with him. Then I could not resist ... I could not say about my feelings, from this I shouted out of emotion that I wanted to be like everyone else, build a family and have a child from a man! !! He guessed then what I meant ... We fought for half the night, he stopped me because I was packing my things. And then ... we had what happens between a man and a woman when they are excited, BOTH! In the morning, Dima did not talk to me, he was shy or afraid. I took it for the fact that he regrets that it happened exactly as it happened. Therefore, I left ... I went to visit his parents, said that we did not agree on characters. And they told me that if it were not for mine the appearance of Dima in life, then they would have thought that he was blue ... I dispelled their doubts, said goodbye and left. All this time we did not communicate, I tried not to go to parties where I could meet someone from that circle. It was painful for me to remember all this, because I was happy, and the last night did not give me any rest. But a month later, I decided to go for my gold earrings, which I left in Dima's apartment. I opened the door with my key, he was at home ... alone. We greeted, I took what I needed, moved towards the exit, he grabbed my hand ... He was so laconic, he said that he was glad that I came and asked to stay. It even seemed to me that there were tears in his eyes, he tried not to look at me, but did not let go of his hand ... I tried to wrest it from him, but he just kept saying “stay.” I was outraged by the whole situation ... For a month he was silent, ..... his Lesha, (although on the last night he did it well with me), and now he puts a bruise on my hand and in an orderly tone he says to stay. No! I broke free and left ... And he is silent again. I don't know what would have happened if I had stayed ... Do I even have a future with this person. Because I really want a family and children. And to waste time on this nonsense, I realized that I can't ... or just because I fell in love. How to suppress everything in yourself and make you forget, I still can't imagine.

We are always interested in learning something new about the people around us, even if this information is shocking. Tickling your nerves is also good, if occasionally. It is better to have as much as possible about the immediate environment. full informationeven when it comes to sensitive issues. It is not so difficult to understand how to recognize a gay, it is more difficult to live on with the information received.

Facts about homosexuality

As an introduction, it would be nice to say something about homosexuality:

It is present in nature, characteristic of all types of animals.
In human society, homosexuality has been known since ancient times. In many cultures, at certain periods, it was considered the norm and was not condemned in any way.
Many famous people did not hide their homosexuality. Some kept it a secret, but after death, most of the secrets no longer make sense.
In Nazi Germany, gays were exterminated on an industrial scale. Along with Jews, Communists, Russians, Ukrainians and Belarusians.
One in ten adult men worldwide is sexually impaired. It's not just about homosexuality.
Homosexuality was excluded from the list of diseases only in the 20th century. And then, the decision is rather political.
Homosexuality can be associated with a variety of mental disorders. However, many representatives of sexual minorities do not differ in any way from heterosexual men in their way of thinking and outward signs.

The list can be continued indefinitely, but it should give a basic idea of \u200b\u200bthis phenomenon.

Gay Signs: Latent Homosexuality

In theory, everyone's orientation and sexual preferences are highly personal. No one should be concerned about such an intimate question if everything happens between adults and by agreement.

Curiosity, in this regard, can have far-reaching consequences. And this is not only about the deterioration of the living conditions of the "exposed". The lover of revelations can also spoil life.

In theory, gay loves men, straight loves women. This is where the differences end. But disorders of the sexual spectrum do not just arise, their "innateness" has not yet been properly proven. This means that the gay man must have had some kind of traumatic experience, and some instability of the psyche cannot be ruled out. So, first of all, one should assess the personality and reliability of a person, and only then ask questions of orientation.

For those who hate gays with all their hearts, there is bad news. According to Freud and the basics of introspection, the main reason for hatred is the unwillingness to admit one's own homosexual nature... Latent homosexuality is scary and difficult to diagnose.

How to distinguish gay from straight?

Of the very obvious signs:

A guy walks with another guy around the city, holding hands and kissing. Such a sight can be seen in big citiesbut this is still a rarity in Russia.
The young man does not pay any attention to the girls, but at the same time he constantly stares at the representatives of his gender.
Very easy to converge with girls, but invariably only friends with them, without making any attempt to direct communication in a romantic direction.
Always avoids discussing personal life. Completely different stories can be told from time to time.

Perhaps only the first point gives an almost 100% guarantee of the correctness of judgments. Everything else can be explained by a dozen other reasons, it would be a fantasy. For this simple reason identifying gays is not at all rewarding.

How to recognize a gay guy?

There is just a huge amount indirect signs, which may indicate that the guy is gay. But they do not give any guarantee, even a combination of several at once. But a reason to think about it appears when following signs:

Excessively monitors his own appearance. It just so happened that it is almost impossible to find an unkempt gay, they all take too seriously the issue of their own appearance.
Change of interests and priorities. A homosexual may also have brutal hobbies, but often the vector shifts towards clothing, accessories, his own body, art.
Natural narcissism pushes gay men to go to gyms. This does not mean that there are a lot of gays in the rocking chair. But the fact that the "suspect" has started to engage in fitness will not stand out from the general list of suspicions.
Excessive mannerism. It's hard to describe in words, it's easier to see it in the video below. Such habits can be explained by the inability to behave in society, but most likely the point is something else.

In any case, until the person is caught red-handed, all statements will remain on your conscience. And catching in this way is a dubious pleasure.

Here is the same video with mannered gay shoe seller:

How not to confuse gay and straight?

An awkward error can sometimes occur when trying to figure out the orientation of a friend:

It is not difficult to make a mistake, it must be understood. But after such a statement, the life of the accused person will certainly change. Here, however, in case of an error, not for long. Because public censure will find another way out and an avalanche will fall on the hapless accuser.

Man is a vindictive creature, especially when he is completely "undeservedly" slandered. So the moment with a personal vendetta cannot be discounted. So more often it is better to keep some conclusions with yourself and voice them only in case of emergency. Blackmail is also a completely ignoble thing, and even more than that, it is subject to jurisdiction.

How to recognize a gay friend?

There are a lot of troubles around, so also a comrade may be from “another camp”. For some, this moment does not matter, and for some it is fundamentally important. In fact, drunken conversations are best at this identification. After a certain dose of alcohol drunk, there are practically no secrets between people. If the interlocutor is not particularly talkative or there is no desire to ruin his health with drinking, you can try to guess by indirect signs:

Not interested in girls.
Most of the environment is guys. And also "suspicious".
She never talks about her personal life. Or, on the contrary, it is noticeable that he is lying.
Pays too much attention to his own appearance. He spends a substantial part of his salary on clothes and a rocking chair.
Any hint and flirting from the opposite sex is met with hostility, overreacting.
Looks at guys, on the phone and on the computer photos of representatives of the same gender.

All this should make you think that something might be wrong with the person. Feeling hostility towards gays, it is better to protect yourself from such communication. Why additional stress?

The only really reliable way how to recognize a gay- to hear his confession. Everything is like in ancient times, without confession you can't figure it out.

Video: 5 signs that a guy is gay

In this video, psychologist Miranda and her friend Mark will talk about 5 signs of a gay man, how you can accurately recognize him:

Gay laid eyes on me.

I was introduced to Jim at a concert. He works in a prominent position in a reputable insurance company and along the way leads in one of the magazines an unexpected heading for his position on floriculture. It turns out that we are almost colleagues. Minus the colors, I don't understand anything about them. And Jim is crazy about them. More precisely, on cacti. His big house reminds me of the Sonoran Desert in the Wild West: pots of these thorny monsters are everywhere. In addition, paintings, posters, souvenirs - all on the same topic. Jim is the author of two books about cacti.

In addition to cacti, Jim is interested in politics, art, classical music. Traveled all over Europe, visited France alone about a dozen times, speaks fluent French, a great connoisseur of French cuisine and wines. Plays golf, tennis, with his friends annually makes yacht cruises in the Caribbean, flies to Colorado twice a year. In winter he goes skiing there, in summer to music festivals. There are two male standards in America. First - Marlboro man, a tall, broad-shouldered, fit, athletic man with a square chin, the second - Renaissance man, a highly educated person with a wide range of interests. Jim meets these two standards. True, for the Marlboro man he has slightly aged, still under sixty, but, for his age, he looks great.

Jim has a secular lifestyle and after meeting, he zealously began to introduce me to the beau monde of the city and state. All these parties usually take place on weekends. Most of the guests are human beings, with wives or girlfriends, only Jim and I are a couple. My wife's work in the evening falls mainly on weekends. I once tried to ask Jim a couple of times why he lives alone, but he avoided explaining. I fell behind, you never know what could be. Unhappy love, family tragedy, health problems.

You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to tell a normal guy from a gay. Non-standard orientation leaves traces on the exterior, manifests itself in gestures, gait, manner of communication. There is nothing blue about Jim. Doubt began with the family album. Rarely in what photographs was Jim with women, mostly in men's companies, most of the clearly blue tint. Then, one day Jim "split." I wondered, why the hell did I surrender to him with my “inappropriate” orientation? The status of “gay friend” did not appeal to me, but I did not dare to slam the door. A man to me with an open soul, moreover, no inclinations, the usual relationship of two normal men, and suddenly demonstrate his "fairy". Selfish interests also affected: Jim has a multitude of influential and simply interesting friends from politics, big business, science and culture. Every second person could potentially be my next journalistic “victim”. Although one episode amused and alarmed at the same time.

At some party, the usual American fermentation. Five minutes with one person, five with another, etc. As usual, you go crazy with a horse dose of acquaintances and mentally go crazy with a set of standard phrases and questions. Pleased with one, clearly gay. The usual blah blah blah, then an unexpected question about my ... deceased wife. I was taken aback: "How, was she still alive this morning ?!" Gay flew away from me as if scalded. It looks like Jim decided to show off his "acquisition" to a friend. On the one hand, of course, it's flattering. On the other hand, I was not in any way attracted by blue epaulettes, and for the rest of the evening I strenuously pedaled my tradition with stories about my two wives, two legitimate children and several orphans on the side. I went a little too far, but it's better to have the reputation of Casanova than ...

My ultimatum - not a step further without my wife - was accepted calmly by Jim. As well as the reaction to my crazy offer to give an interview about gay life for the Russian press. Moreover, Jim showed an unexpected interest in him. Probably, the character of a person who is open to everything new and unusual has affected.

So, an interview with an American gay.

Jim, where did your gay sex come from, and when did you first feel it?

I grew up in a normal loving family. Father, mother, younger sister and brother. Orientation originated from nature itself. During puberty at the age of 11-13, I, like all my peers, were friends with both girls and boys, but I was not interested in girls. I was drawn to boys, or rather, even to young men, much older than me. At that time, the processes predetermined for me by nature, probably, began to work. It was not yet a sexual attraction in the literal sense, only the foundation of my future physiology was being laid. Usually, gays tend to have more attraction to their mother than to their father. It's the opposite for me. True, I had a very warm relationship with my grandmother, from whom I acquired a love for cooking.

Do you allow outside influence? Some kind of book, movie, non-standard friend? ..

No, none of this happened. Everything happened by itself, without any conscious action.

What's your first love?

I went to college in Alabama and went to a tournament in New Orleans with the student soccer team. There I met a man of forty. I was 18. All my life then I liked men older than me. Of course, not without exceptions. We went to a bar with him, then spent the night at his house. This was my first sexual experience, a happy experience. Sex and love coincided. I never loved anyone else like that. Our relationship lasted for many years, but we only met from time to time. For a number of reasons, he could not leave his city, I from mine.

Judging by the films, there is a "sexual division" in the gay environment. Some have male roles, others have female roles. Who do you think you are?

Reality is more complex than films. All sorts of options are possible depending on the chemistry of the relationship. With one man you have a leading role, with another leading. As for sex, as such, there are no clear boundaries. Everything is determined by the situation and temperament of the partners. I like both roles. In general, the relationship between gays is not much different from the traditional relationship between a man and a woman. After all, there men, too, do not always act in the amlua of the "hunter", often the opposite is true. So is the hierarchy in families. In some, the presenter is a man, in others a woman.

In Russia, gays have always been viewed as second and even third class people. Now times have changed, but, by inertia, there is still a prejudice in society towards them. Your adolescence and youth fell on the 50-60s of the last century. How was gay people treated in America at the time?

But, probably, at some point your family began to guess?

Perhaps, but neither my parents nor my brother and sister ever asked me about it and politely avoided the slippery topic. As in the modern American army: "Don't ask, don't answer." My brother is a very religious Catholic, my sister is smaller. By the way, one of her sons also became gay.

Sex seems to be a top priority in gay life. This is true?

Just like traditional families. For some, sex is in the foreground, for others - other values. It's exactly the same.

In heterosexual families, partners' opportunities to “take sides” are very limited, if only because the husband and wife are together almost all the time. Gays have a more free life. Today with one, tomorrow with another. No commitment. The result of sexual promiscuity is AIDS, which is so prevalent in the gay community. According to conservative-minded people, AIDS is a payback for a disorderly and immoral lifestyle.

The immorality of gay men is in exactly the same proportions as that of other people. You probably know heterosexuals who have more than one hundred women in their “combat accounts”. And I know gay men who have had only one partner all their lives. The problem is different, society does not encourage homosexual families.

From the point of view of population reproduction, homosexuality is a road to nowhere, but it also needs to be encouraged?

Encourage homosexuality, not homosexual families. Compared to the days of my youth, public morality has become much more tolerant of homosexuals. Then it would be ridiculous to even stutter about some gay rights, today they do not have the right to discriminate against us in hiring and firing, promotion, we can rent and buy real estate together, but there are still many unresolved problems that a legally recognized marriage could resolve. ... Issues of inheritance, joint insurance, government assistance in case of loss of breadwinner, etc. Gay marriages are not at all shocking the public. Trust me, most gay people would rather have a family than change partners. So much for the solution to the AIDS problem.

Hmmm, it sounds convincing, but personally I have not yet matured to such "advanced". Yes, how many partners did you have, Jim? Honestly.

In my opinion, we have a very frank dialogue. I find it difficult to answer this question. If I kept some kind of record. But, probably, somewhere over a hundred.

Whoa! Although with your appearance ...

Somehow it worked out by itself. I never chased quantity. Don't forget, I have forty years of sexual activity behind me. That is, I do not change partners every day.

Aren't you afraid of AIDS?

Of course I'm afraid, but that's what contraceptives are for. Plus, once a year I have a medical check-up and blood tests. While God has mercy. By the way, why is San Francisco the Mecca of AIDS in the United States? For only one reason - sex without protection is in vogue, a kind of game of "Russian roulette".

Along the way, why is San Francisco the gay capital of the United States?

It so happened that there is the most tolerant attitude towards gays. Although there are two homosexual "capitals" in the US. The second is in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Have you had women?

Yes, several times I have had sex with girls. I was young, sex was pleasant to me as a process, but, alas, there was no emotion behind it. Therefore, I no longer had women.

Jim, you are absolutely not gay, and you probably are not alone. How gays find each other?

First, there are gay clubs and other forms of communication. Secondly, a gay gay learns a mile away, there are some special vibes.

- Your opinion, homosexual orientation is a joke of nature or a product social relationships?

I am inclined to believe that this is natural programming. Approximately one in ten people are born homosexual. This means that nature needs it for some reason. An obvious example. In Nazi Germany, virtually all gays were exterminated, now there are proportionally the same number as there were in the thirties. Yes, and in Russia, gays were imprisoned, but their number did not decrease.

There was a different story, Jim. Gays were stamped not by nature, but by Stalin's camps. And I agree with you only partially. In my opinion, homosexuality has not only biological roots, but also social ones. Not being naturally homosexual, one can become one in prison, in an environment with prolonged isolation from women. Sailors, geologists, polar explorers ... Or in such “gay reserves” as ballet, fashion, artistic bohemia.

I'll add it myself. Theater, figure skating, pop music, variety shows, shows ...

By the way, what is the phenomenon of the special talent of gays? There are so many outstanding people and celebrities among them! In general, most gays are socially successful people.

I don’t think it’s possible to equate a person’s sexual orientation with the degree of his talent. It's just that, unlike traditionalists, whose family takes a lot of time and energy, gays have more time for their studies and careers. True, there is an obvious bias in favor of gay people in creative fields. I think the general non-standard of gays is reflected in the art. Although I know a lot of gay people in "traditional" fields: doctors, dentists, lawyers. True, less in technical.

Jim, I'm sorry, my view of homosexuality in society is probably different from yours. My opinion is simple. Gays should not be banned and persecuted, but homosexuality should not be encouraged either. Let gays meet, love each other, but in their own environment, without recruiting new supporters. You are for homosexual families, but this is a caricature of a family in the normal sense! You and I recently attended a party at the home of George and Eddie, some of the most successful businessmen in Kentucky. Naturally, their adopted 10-year-old son has a secure material future, but a very problematic social one. In my opinion, a normal boy is 99% doomed to be gay?

Trust me, he will have a choice. He will grow up, he will decide for himself.

Which choice! His choice is almost predetermined by two dads in the family.

And what do you suggest? Let the boy live better in poverty, but with a normal orientation?

Yes. In my opinion, this is better than a personal life crippled in the future. In my opinion, even if you really want to, there will be homosexual families, but only without the right to foster children. By the way, have you ever had a desire to have offspring yourself?

It was, but not very strong. I outweighed common sense that having children is a big responsibility.

And one more thing. Over the past 20-30 years, gays have shifted from "defensive" to an active offensive, even too aggressive. The homosexual lifestyle is promoted on a wide front. Movies, television, shows, print, books, pride parades ... Unlike you, I'm a movie lover. I look, of course, not everything in a row, but what is heard. Over the past couple of months I have watched 6-7 new films. Four of them have a homosexual theme to some extent. Rent, The Producers, Capote and sensational Brokeback mountain.

Are you proposing to ban films on this topic? Then, along the way, prohibit films of violence.

- Come on jim... If I watch another action movie with a sea of \u200b\u200bblood, I will not become a bandit. If I read Mein Kampf, I will not become a fascist. If I watch a dozen gay films, I won't become gay. Since I am already a long-established personality. But if you hammer a teenager in one point, and even in an attractive package, it is much easier to achieve what you want. In my opinion, there is a gay brainwashing in Hollywood ...

I assure you, in fact, there are not so many gays in Hollywood. Especially among those who make his politics.

So, the answer must be sought in something else - profit?

With this I can agree. The product is in demand.

Jim, let's go back from general to specific. Do you have a regular partner now?

Yes and no. There is a man I really like, but unfortunately he is married.

He is bisexual. We meet sometimes, but this relationship has no future prospects. My partner will not leave his wife, and I do not want to destroy his family.

Jim, you're in great shape, but old age is not far off. Are you not afraid to find yourself in the declining years without loved one nearby?

I try not to think about it. As it will be, so it will be. There is no such guarantee in heterosexual families either. I always dreamed of having a permanent partner, as they say, in sorrow and in joy, but, alas, it did not work out. But I have many relatives, friends, friends who hope to brighten up my bad days. If I could start life from scratch, I would like to live it as a traditional man. But I have no regrets about what happened. I was and have a bright interesting life, it's a sin to complain. And then, Victor, you may have noticed that there are not so many gays among my friends. The absolute majority are married, widowed, divorced. I choose friends not for sexual orientation, but for personal qualities, spiritual and intellectual closeness. I hope I am chosen according to the same principles.