The traps of loneliness

Being an adult means being lonely.
Jean Rostand.

Barely descending from a monkey, Homo erectus, and in places even reasonable, has not lost the desire of his furry ancestors to live in large groups. In cave times, this was more than justified - living together, it is easier to overwhelm a mammoth, and hide from saber-toothed predators, and stock up edible roots, and raise children. The further you look into the Neanderthal historical retrospective, the more you become convinced that loneliness is the scourge of modern times, the fruit of an urbanized, high-tech, hygienic, well-fed and comfortable city life ...

The number of calls to specialists about loneliness is growing from year to year, and this is especially true in large cities. Having united around large industrial enterprises, trying with all his might to improve the quality of life and improve the way of life, man has created an inimitable phenomenon that has no analogues in wildlife - a metropolis, a community of disunited, a huge cluster of totally lonely people. Unable to find peace of mind in contact with another person, we seek solace in the surrogates of love - venal sex, alcohol, gambling, noisy companies. We are fiercely making a career, and they say about us: "will go over the corpses." We sit up at night at work, because no one is waiting for us at home anyway. We share our lives with pets, who become confidants of our thoughts, feelings, suffering, and often mean as much to us as family members.

Feeling lonely is one of the most painful experiences for a person. A melancholy feeling of emptiness, tormenting the experience of a lack of something that is difficult to describe in concrete words, the impression that no one cares about you in the whole wide world ... Sometimes these experiences are so strong that there is a frightening feeling that you do not exist at all, you are a phantom, an invisible man. Human life begins with the experience of complete unity and fusion - first in the womb, then in her arms, at the mother's breast, the human baby experiences a feeling of complete peace and happiness. This experience makes us look for someone all our lives with whom to experience it again. The feeling of our own incompleteness leads to the search for someone who would complement us to the whole. The fear of remaining in this incompleteness forever leads to the fact that we begin to avoid loneliness at any cost, losing sight of the fact that it can be a valuable psychological resource, an important, prioritizing experience in life.

There are many forms of such flight, but the result is usually the same - an attempt to avoid one's own internal conflicts only leads to their aggravation.

1. Already unbearable to get married. As Anton Pavlovich Chekhov wrote, "If you are afraid of loneliness, then do not marry." The desperate desire to create a couple by all means is one of the classic ways to escape from the feeling of loneliness, which is characteristic not only of the fair sex, as is commonly thought. Often, mature men with the experience of a lonely life strive at all costs to fill their home with delicious smells of homemade food and the cozy clatter of women's heels, being, to put it mildly, very indiscriminate in choosing an object. The charm of the "candy-bouquet" stage of the relationship allows you to overcome or even not notice small and large inconsistencies, lack of common values, divergence in life goals ... He wants to go up to the Himalayas, does she dream of a house with three kids and a lace apron? What's the difference, love will overcome everything, somehow we will agree! Time passes, and we begin to feel cheated: you are not like that, and you are not like that, but the wedding has already been played, children have been born, apartments have been privatized, and so much has been experienced together that you cannot cut it off and throw it away in one fell swoop. People often make in such cases the only possible solution - to endure. As a result - depression, adultery, and an even more destructive form of loneliness - loneliness together, from which all members of this family system suffer, especially children.

2. Brotherhood or Slavery? Belonging to a group creates in a person a very strong sense of belonging, unity - our common cave past affects, when belonging to a certain tribe meant a lot for the survival of a person and his offspring. Tribes have grown up today, but their various options are courtyard companies of teenagers, political parties, religious sects "catch" their members on one single "hook" - a feeling of unity with a group of like-minded people, an illusory brotherhood, which is often transformed into slavery - a ban on the manifestation of any individuality up to the abandonment of personal property in favor of an organization, the demand for total submission to existing group settings and rules. Becoming a member of a group, a person is often forced to sacrifice his own beliefs and norms - in a group, and in this case, the payment for the absence of loneliness will be the loss of himself, his own, unique and inimitable personality.

3. Pursuit of pleasure. As soon as the extraction of food ceased to be the main condition for human survival, the desire to consume as much as possible from a saving reflex turned into a pleasure that gives euphoria, relieves stress and fatigue from accumulated problems, allowing for a while to forget about the emptiness that eats away at us inside. That is why, when we acutely experience our loneliness and abandonment, longing for lost or still not found love, when we feel offended or rejected, one of the pathological ways to cope with these feelings is to "seize" them. Cakes and chocolates, croissants and crispy waffles are used - sweet really for a short moment lifts the mood, by stimulating the production of the hormone insulin in the body, sweet food causes a surge of energy, but after it comes an even greater loss of energy, the mood drops even more ... How to deal with this? A hand reaches for a new piece of chocolate, and the vicious circle closes.

The habit of “seizing” negative experiences very quickly turns into a real addiction, similar to drug and alcohol addiction: any sadness drives you to the fridge or buffet. This is facilitated by the modern cultural standard - “to avoid negative experiences at all costs”. Headache? Take a pill. Bad relationship with your husband? So divorce! Sad? Buy a new lipstick, a new CD, have a lover - cover up the loss with an acquisition, and everything will be fine again More and more often, a new acquisition becomes a reason for joy, and delicious food is just one of its forms. As is well known, the joy of a new purchase does not last long, and we make new and new ones, teaching our children to do this from young nails: “Here's a toy (candy, ice cream), just don’t cry!” occasionally, we often feel what psychotherapists call "existential emptiness" - a sense of the meaninglessness of life, the futility of our efforts, fatigue and boredom. It is impossible to fill this emptiness with food - the fullness of being is felt only by the one who lives, not avoiding the dark sides of life, rejoicing in the light, trying to realize his own needs.

The same applies to the pursuit of any other pleasures - alcohol and drugs, running around the shops and purchasing an infinite amount of expensive and bright clothes, immersion in an exciting, filling a gaping void with adrenaline and endorphins - hormones of happiness - the world of gambling and computer games- all of these are unreliable, fake surrogates of peace of mind, adherence to which is fraught with the development of addiction.

4. Networks on the Internet. Perhaps one of the most common forms of escape from loneliness in big city and at the same time, a form of imitation of human communication is communication via the Internet. Providing dizzying opportunities to meet new people, the overly addicted network is rapidly making them even more lonely. The relationships we build in real life, always require significant mental labor to create and maintain them. In addition, real relationships always contain an element of risk - the risk that we will not be liked, we will not be accepted as we are, we will be left for the sake of someone who is more interesting and attractive, finally. People take these risks in order to create a space for two, in which there will be intimacy, and trust, and plans for the future. Internet relationships require almost no emotional labor. Something went wrong? Just remove this contact from your list. Block the ability to send you messages, change your mailbox address, and start over. The ease of making contacts deactivates the labor of maintaining them. The result is numerous short and empty virtual relationships, the fear of creating real relationships, the desire to dull the feeling of loneliness with new and new virtual novels.

Another feature of network communication is such that the image of another person in Internet communication is completely devoid of reality. We fill it with our own fantasies, latent desires, unmet needs, and we readily believe that the person on the other side of the monitor is really like that. Do not forget that this is a reciprocal process, and in the end it is not Luda and Misha who communicate, but, say, Cinderella, who turns into a Princess every evening exactly at midnight, and the Swineherd, who becomes Prince Charming. As a result, there is a feeling that the person on the other side of the monitor is exactly the one you have been waiting for and looking for all your life, only he or she really understands you. And it is not surprising - after all, you are communicating, in fact, with yourself.

So are there ways, methods or methods that allow you to get rid of the oppressive feeling of your own incompleteness, if “there is no one with me”? Paradoxically, psychologists advise to stop avoiding it first. Be with him. Be in it. Whether what happened as a natural consequence of divorce, or as a result of a sudden widowhood, or perhaps because the person himself, as psychologists say, is introverted and does not easily converge with other people, loneliness is a valuable psychological resource, time and space for self-development, an opportunity to understand what exactly you need in this life. If you are recently single, try to use this to its fullest. "Time of inner silence" is a chance to do everything that you always wanted, but there was no time, out of place.

As a child, did you dream of becoming a singer? Go to vocal class. Did you want to ride? To the equestrian center. Try writing poetry or prose, growing bonsai, studying your family genealogy or medieval heraldry. Do not make new hobbies a way to escape from lonely nights at home or cold bed, do not use it as a way to meet - if you are single recently, the time to make new contacts does not come right away. Your activities should make sense to you in and of themselves, regardless of those big or small benefits - whether the evening was killed. Whether worldwide fame - which it can bring you. Don't look for the Other - look for yourself, and over time it will become clear to you who is truly capable of sharing your loneliness, and with whom you should not even get involved. This position has another serious profit - only self-sufficient, psychologically independent people are able to truly love and are really very attractive.

If your loneliness has dragged on and the hopes that it will ever end becomes ephemeral, try to create goodness. Remember the words of Robert Penn Warrenn "You have to do good out of evil, because there is nothing else to make of it"? The feeling of loneliness is an experience that destroys both the soul and the body, and lonely people can be very cruel - they forget how to regret, co-feel, co-experience - everything that people do together. Try to help someone who is even worse - go to work as a volunteer in an orphanage, a nursing home, a boarding school for the disabled, or a community organization that helps seriously ill children. There is always a lack of hands, there is always a business that you can do. Perhaps it is you who are missing there.

Loneliness does not end when we finally find someone to share it with - sometimes at this moment loneliness just begins. And you can stop being lonely by creating a new meaning for your own or someone else's life.

Relationships are created in order to unite people, give them mutual joy, support, etc. But the scenario does not always develop along the smoothest path. It happens that people, apparently in good strong relationships with the opposite sex, still feel lonely. Sometimes the reasons are clear, but more often they are hidden from the surface. In this article, we will try to analyze loneliness as a phenomenon and give some effective advice on how to get rid of it.

Negative emotions: loneliness in a relationship

Loneliness is one of the most unpleasant feelings in the world. Everyone experiences difficult moments, fighting for a "place in the sun", but when the feeling of loneliness "rolls over", it seems as if the whole world stopped for a while, calmed down and everything that happens in it passes us by. Alas, even the development of relationships often does not provide an opportunity to drown out this feeling.

Naturally, alone, as such, there is nothing wrong. But the feeling of loneliness and comfortable being alone with yourself are two completely different things. In the second case, this is only a natural aspect of life, in the first - an oppressive state, which makes one feel lost and cut off from the rest of the world. You can feel it, both being alone with yourself, and be “alone in the crowd,” when what is happening does not depend on external factors, but is more akin to the state of mind and mood.

Loneliness in a relationship can be a psychological disorder, turning into a "lump" of stress and anxiety. In this case, it is more difficult to deal with it. Before you understand how to eliminate this condition, you should talk about the reasons for its occurrence. Why do people in a couple feel lonely, regardless of the status of the relationship?

Sometimes the heady hangover of a past love becomes the cause of the annoying feeling of loneliness in a new relationship. Constantly being held captive by memories, it is difficult to make positive changes in a new life.

• Digging in the past

Feelings of loneliness in a relationship can come from childhood and "sit" in the depths of the unconscious. For example, if a child has difficulty communicating with peers, it is possible that in adulthood, at the subconscious level, he will feel lonely and insecure in the company of friends or a loved one.

Developing relationships is a laborious process. And sometimes stirring up the past is not easy. However, if the reason for loneliness lies so deeply, a simple article is unlikely to help with this, and it is much better to seek help from a psychologist.

• Not understanding your own desires

A lack of understanding of one's own values ​​and desires can force a person to live a life that is not really sweet to him. Completing tasks is not to your liking, perhaps living with the wrong person. Lack of satisfaction with what is happening can exacerbate feelings of loneliness in a relationship. Therefore, it is extremely important for a person to be aware of what he wants from life in order to go towards the intended goal and happiness. After all, it is possible that even though there is good man but does not share your beliefs, attitudes and goals. In such a situation, following one route will be extremely difficult. Of course, this is not at all the partner's fault, because it is extremely difficult to satisfy a person who has not figured out his desires.

• Lack of communication

The most obvious reason for feelings of loneliness in a relationship is a lack of communication between partners. Lack of communication makes it difficult to identify each other's needs and their further satisfaction. And this is one of the main aspects of the harmonious development of a couple. It is worth thinking about what exactly prevents you from opening up to your beloved (noah), determining for yourself the importance of the relationship itself and deciding on a dialogue. Otherwise, the status of relations will simply cease to exist for you over time.

Probably, there is not a single person in the world who wants to live life alone. So, you need to do something about it. How should you behave so as not to perpetuate the cycle of loneliness and be happy?

• More time together

In the age of irregular work schedules and the development of technology, people have become less likely to communicate with each other in person, regardless of the status of the relationship between them. If partners do not see each other for a long time and this makes one of them feel lonely, you should definitely talk about it. After expressing mutual wishes, it is useful to determine the time to spend together. Instead of watching the feed on social networks, it is useful to go to bed at the same time, spending more time talking and not only.

The gradual decrease in the time of interaction with each other can lead to mutual disconnection. Finding ways to spend more time with your partner is important.

• Introducing new

Meeting new people and new activities will help fill some part of the spiritual void. We are by no means talking about changing partners, but in most cases, entering into a new relationship, we distance ourselves from the whole world. The development of relationships obliges, people are closed from what is happening around them, old friends, the rhythm of life is changing, there are fewer friendly gatherings. It begins to seem that now everything is different, but what was previously prohibited. Ultimately, this leads to a feeling of a tight cage around and an obsessive feeling of loneliness in a couple, instead of the comfort and coziness that a relationship should give.

We put all the lack of emotions on the shoulders of our partner, which is fundamentally wrong. And this is terribly harmful, because it puts pressure on both, provoking additional resentment and discontent, only exacerbating the feeling of loneliness. As a result, a person becomes isolated from his partner as well as from the whole world at one time.

Start meeting friends again, don't be afraid to meet new people. Positive emotions - good remedy loneliness. Learn to do new things, find activities that you enjoy. Try to stay happy without relying on your partner, because a person who feels harmoniously alone with himself will never be alone.

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The feeling of loneliness is a condition familiar to almost every person. Everyone in life has periods of temporary voluntary or forced refusal to communicate, and if for some such “withdrawals” are associated with the need to “take a break” from social activity, for others loneliness becomes a constant and oppressive companion in life. How does it happen that, previously sociable and open to those around him, a person suddenly closes himself in four walls, depriving himself of the joy of communicating with people close to him and giving up the usual pleasures of life?

The reasons for loneliness: external and internal factors.

Oddly enough, many people not only do not suffer from loneliness, but also consider it a natural and comfortable way of life. As a rule, these are representatives of creative professions, whose work requires maximum concentration and at the same time gives a person pleasure. They say about such people: "He completely devoted himself to his beloved work." Creative personalities fully realize themselves in their hobby, without experiencing a feeling of deprivation in communication, therefore, being can rather be called a conscious solitude.

True loneliness means a complete limitation of a person's contact with the outside world due to the presence of a deep inner conflict or traumatic experience of human communication. These are the most common reasons that induce a person to close themselves off from the world and others.

A person always expects recognition of his personality from others. If this does not happen, then a feeling of alienation arises, which is called loneliness.

Feelings of loneliness can occur even when you have real connections with other people. A person may feel unwanted and unloved in a large family or rejected in a community. A feeling of loneliness can occur sporadically, like a flash, or it can take root in a person's mind as an obsessive state.

Loneliness is always accompanied by tension and anxiety associated with dissatisfaction with communication or intimate relationships.

Types of loneliness feelings

People with a state of loneliness differ from each other in their own activity and degree of experience.

There are several types of feelings of loneliness:

1. Hopelessly lonely people: dissatisfied with their relationships, having a feeling of abandonment and emptiness.

3. Persistently lonely people are passive people, resigned to their condition.

4. People are not alone, whose social isolation is of a voluntary temporary nature, while not causing a feeling of oppression.

In psychiatry, there are two types of loneliness:

• The first type of loneliness is associated with a person's alienation from himself: his past, experience, from the functioning of his own body. Loneliness is associated with the problems of perception and assimilation of the mechanisms of development and self-preservation of the body.
• The second type of loneliness is associated with the quality of relationships with other people, acceptance, assessment of this quality and acceptance by a person of himself as a person.

Feelings of loneliness are defined as the painful experience of being separated. This experience becomes obsessive and captures all thoughts and actions of a person. Loneliness is experienced as depression, longing, boredom, sadness, despair. A person can worry about lost connections, rejection of himself, not realizing himself as an accomplished personality.

Situational transient loneliness can appear after certain unpleasant events: divorce, death of loved ones, job loss, serious injury or illness. After a while, a person resigns himself to the loss and completely or partially overcomes his condition. A situational feeling of loneliness is expressed in short-term seizures, which, as a rule, disappear without a trace.

Sometimes this state does not go away, but turns into chronic loneliness. This arises if, in the event of loss, a person cannot cope with his emotional state and does not find the strength and opportunity in establishing relationships with significant people... At the same time, there is a loss of interaction mechanisms.

Chronic loneliness can accompany a person from childhood. This usually occurs when there is no emotional attachment between children and parents. It is possible that this is an unwanted child, or a child who does not meet the expectations of the parents. From childhood, the child is forced to avoid contact with parents, or he is simply deprived of them. The habit of loneliness persists in communication with a group of peers, where the child is independently alienated from others. This produces a persistent, chronic feeling of loneliness.

However, it should be noted that in some cases people are quite comfortable in their isolated state. In this case it comes about personality traits bordering on pathology.

Loneliness can only be talked about if a person is clearly aware of the inferiority of his relationship with the people around him. In other words, a person experiences his loneliness in the truest sense of the word. At the same time, the feeling of loneliness is influenced not so much by the relationship itself as by the person's idea of ​​what they should be. Due to this discrepancy, a person who constantly communicates with one or two individuals may experience an acute lack of communication and feel lonely.

Feelings of loneliness are understood to be heavy. emotional condition due to the dissatisfaction of the need for interpersonal relationships.

Some psychologists believe that humans are inherently born, live and die alone. Others believe that a person is a social being and should be surrounded by his own kind.

The first signs of a heightened sense of loneliness appear during adolescence. At the same time, the frequency and number of contacts does not matter; satisfaction with communication is more important.

Experiencing loneliness can be due to a number of reasons:

• The inability of a person to endure solitude.
• Low self-esteem, projected onto others: "I am terrible, worthless, no one can love me."
• Anxiety and social fears: someone else's opinion, ridicule, not being like everyone else.
• Lack of communication.
• Distrust of people.
• Tightness and stiffness.
• Constant wrong choice of partners.
• Fear of being rejected by your partner.
• Fear and anxiety about intimacy.
• Unrealistic claims and desires.
• Lack of initiative, sociable passivity.

Feeling lonely depends a lot on self-esteem. Lonely people often feel worthless, incompetent, second-rate. This perception justifies the lack of regular communication partners. Lonely people don't trust others. They are often hypocritical, stubborn, cautious.

Could you name a person who, at least once in his life, has not experienced for himself what loneliness is?

Everyone now remembered how they lost a friend, beloved, or just loved one... We are all different, respectively, and our attitude to such a feeling as loneliness will also be different.

Could you name a person who, at least once in his life, has not experienced for himself what loneliness is? Everyone now remembered how he lost a friend, loved one, or just a loved one.

We are all different, respectively, and our attitude to such a feeling as loneliness will also be different.

For some, loneliness is expressed in the burden of existence, which is filled with depression and a sense of their own insignificance, from the inability to live as they like, to have interesting work and a loved one nearby.

For others, loneliness is expressed in a gray, measured and predictable life, from which it is simply "sick" when you know the "schedule" of all your life events.

The feeling of loneliness is familiar to the poor and the rich, the successful and the losers. Being alone for a while can even be beneficial. You take a break from excessive communication, you put your thoughts in order, you are engaged in creativity. But if you leave a person in complete isolation from external stimuli for more than 2-3 days, he will develop mental disorders. People are social beings and contact with another person is an integral part of our life.

Feelings of loneliness. Definition. Description.

Have you ever wondered that the period associated with loneliness depends not so much on external factors as on a person's personal relationship to himself? During this period, we are in thought, comprehend our life experience, choose, restore strength. It is after going through the feeling of loneliness that a person looks differently at love, family or friendly relations, becomes wiser and more tolerant, and perhaps regains love.

Taking into account all of the above, the definition of loneliness is as follows.

Loneliness is an acute complex experience of losing trusting contact with oneself and / or with another significant person.

The state of loneliness makes a person feel a loss of connection with a significant part of himself and the world around him. Oftentimes, loneliness-driven actions run counter to the individual's own expectations and are therefore perceived as undesirable. But at the same time, this is an opportunity to shake things up and start looking for a way out of this situation.

A review of research on this topic suggests that there are 2 trends in the world of science. Consider loneliness equally, both negatively and positively, without coming to one indisputable opinion. The contradictions are connected with the fact that one side finds the arguments of a destructive influence on the personality, while the other considers the period of loneliness to be a necessary stage of self-determination and self-knowledge. In the context of this article, we are more interested in loneliness as an internal psychological discomfort.

What types of loneliness are there?

In modern social psychology there are only two types of loneliness:

1. Aloneness - loneliness of a positive nature, when a person has opportunities for solitude, and he wants to be alone, rethinking and experiencing the events taking place in this period of his life.
2. Loneliness is loneliness of a negative nature, when a person develops an acute, tormenting feeling, as a result of a lack of meaningful relationships. However, in fact, he always has a social environment and people who periodically try to establish relationships with him. At the same time, this person considers himself convincingly lonely and “repels” possible partners. That is, staying alone is your own initiative, expressed in the words: “not ready”, “I can’t”, “should not” and others.

Constant loneliness, what to do?

By and large, we come to this world alone and leave, also alone. And, throughout our life, there is a struggle, in vain attempts to get rid of this feeling. This is evidenced by almost all known philosophical concepts, from Socrates to Hegel.

Baby, lonely without a mother. A teenager who feels misunderstood and experiences ridicule, which makes him withdrawn into himself. A young man who is narcissistic to the point of loneliness. A cornered, frustrated and lonely adult. An old man, sick, frightened and again lonely. Death alone.

Such is the life of a constantly lonely person. Is this how you imagine your life?

If you still have strength and, most importantly, a desire to fight, learn to trust the natural course of events. Behind the main reason for loneliness, distrust of the world, lies fear: deception, betrayal, resentment, pain. This is due to the inability to forgive, let go and forget.

In any case, it is up to you to choose whether to stay alone or start solving the problem you have discovered. If you cannot cope on your own, there are always specialists who are ready to help.

Loneliness in a relationship

People living alone cannot imagine that feeling lonely with a partner is also possible. According to experts, this problem is much more widespread than it seems.

People can live with a spouse for years, fearing condemnation, not wanting to share property, because of common children, afraid to start all over again or for other reasons. If this is your story, then we would like to remind you that everyone has a right to happiness. And only you yourself know what brings happiness to you.

Teenage loneliness

The problem of adolescent loneliness is often isolation from peers for various reasons. Because of what there are negative experiences of frustration, anxiety, and depression, disrupting interpersonal relationships.

Loneliness during pregnancy

Usually during pregnancy, all mental disorders are smoothed out. The body and mind of a woman seem to tune in a new way. But from time to time, unfavorable external circumstances and the fear of harming the baby raise a whole maelstrom of emotions in a woman's soul. Use the surging feeling of loneliness to think about the changes that are striving in your life, sort out yourself, and finally talk to your unborn child. He is inside you, alive, hears and understands everything.

And then there are forums, schools for mothers, and of course, psychologists. Contact and you will be heard!

Loneliness in marriage

When hearing a complaint about loneliness in a marriage, the family counselor usually advises to talk frankly with each other. Find out if it is indifference or fatigue? If both of you are interested in maintaining the relationship, then this is fixable. Better yet, trust a professional.

Ways to overcome loneliness

Loneliness is always subjective. A miraculous remedy has not yet been invented that helps everyone equally. Therefore, it is necessary to work with the problem individually approaching each person, and this is already a matter of a specialist. But general recommendations, nevertheless, exist, namely:

• Get distracted by reading a book or listening to music.
• Find your life's work. This can be mastering a new skill, starting a business, or simply improving professionalism in your job.
• Visit a new place where you have long wanted to visit.
• Consider a new design for your home, or simply buy some cute interior decorations.
• Meet new people. Perhaps someone is now as lonely as you are and he will gladly answer your invitation.
• Go in for fitness, sports or creativity, if you have such a hobby.
• Go shopping. Change your own style.
• Walk in the fresh air more often, go out into nature.