How to communicate with adults. Business sphere of communication. Features of conflict-free communication

Communication is the main tool for interaction between people. With the help of verbal or non-verbal signs, emotions, desires, intentions are expressed, information is transmitted. Possession of communication skills makes it easy to establish contact with people, to be successful in all spheres of life.

What is Communication Ethics?

The doctrine of morality is included in the concept of ethics. Moral norms include the rules of interaction between people established by society. Interaction includes generally accepted norms of behavior and communication. Ethical principles are conditional and differ in different cultures. However, their observance is necessary condition existence in society.

The essence of morality is the presence of moral qualities that allow you to successfully interact with people around you at a decent level.

Generally accepted norms exclude any kind of violence, foul language, criticism, humiliation.

Respectful attitude, benevolence, openness, equality, freedom of expression are welcomed.

Speech communications

Verbal communication using verbal means accompanies the expression of one's thoughts, opinions, emotions, and the exchange of information. It can be characterized in terms of:

• literacy;
• availability;
• accuracy;
• meaningfulness;
• expressiveness.

In the process of speech relations, it is also important to monitor the intonation of the voice and timbre.

The following types of verbal communication are distinguished:

• Normal communication or conversation - there is an exchange of views, experiences.
• Discussion - issues are resolved, tasks are discussed.
• Confrontation - there is a dispute, defending a position.
• Dispute - there is a public discussion of socially important topics.
• Discussion - different opinions are discussed in order to find the truth.
• Symposium - short presentations by several people.
• Lecture - one participant is speaking.
• Polemics - there is an exchange of opinions, discussion with the aim of winning, defending one's position.

The effectiveness of this or that type of verbal communication depends on the correctly set goals, on the constructiveness of the information.

How to talk to people correctly?

So, for example, when communicating with younger or children, they need to devote more time, sincerely interested in their problems, and listen carefully.

In no case should you criticize or humiliate. You should communicate with children as with adults, with respect and goodwill.

When communicating with friends or peers, it is important to respect the opinions of others.It is not recommended to give advice where it is not asked for. Interaction should be based on the principles of cooperation, openness and honesty.

When communicating with parents, you need to be more tolerant, listen carefully to their opinion or advice. There is no need to conflict, try to prove your case. It is necessary to strive for a constructive dialogue. Kind affectionate words work wonders.

When communicating with people with disabilities, you should not focus on their situation. The manifestation of excessive pity, sympathy can irritate or humiliate the interlocutor.

Under no circumstances should you say something with arrogance or in a dismissive tone. When talking, you need to be extremely attentive, polite.

When communicating with elders, adults, it is necessary to show respect, politeness, honesty. It is not allowed to address "you" or simply by name, unless such a desire is expressed by the interlocutor himself. You need to talk in a calm, relaxed, benevolent manner.

Communication with older people should be based on respect, deference, politeness, openness. You should always address by name, patronymic, "you".

Don't argue. It should be understood that older people are especially vulnerable, they need understanding, support and help.

When talking, you should use only kind and positive words.

How to communicate correctly on the phone?

When talking on the phone, there is no eye contact, so the main and decisive impression is based on the greeting. The first spoken phrases, intonation, manner of communication affect the result and the duration of the entire conversation.

Telephone communication begins from the moment when the phone rings. In good form, the phone should be picked up immediately after the third ring. It is recommended to wait for an answer until the eighth ring.

After the answer is voiced, it is important to say hello as politely as possible, be sure to introduce yourself.

If a person is called for the first time, then you need to tell where the phone number came from. Then proceed to the main part of the conversation.

It is important to maintain a measured rate of speech. Too fast speech is poorly perceived by ear, its meaning is often overlooked. A slow pace can become annoying and distracted. The voice should not be too soft or too loud.

To maintain a positive attitude when talking, you need to smile.A smile is always felt when talking on the phone, and it gives a special politeness to the voice. It is recommended to periodically contact by name or first name and patronymic. It is always pleasant for a person to hear his name. Moreover, it gives a touch of personality.

If serious negotiations are planned, discussion of commercial terms, then it is better to prepare the text or key phrases in advance.

However, the interlocutor should not guess that the words are prepared in advance.The conversation should take place in the most natural, relaxed manner.

It is important to pause between semantic sentences, giving the person the opportunity to express their opinion on the issue under discussion. At the same time, you need to listen carefully, actively. This can be done with short phrases such as "yes", "good", "understandable."

It is necessary to end the telephone conversation on a positive note. You can not abruptly cut off communication... The last phrases are very important. Correct goodbye is almost the last chance that can help change the situation in the opposite direction. Therefore, it is better to plan it in advance.

Social media etiquette

Modern technologies allow you to communicate over the Internet using social networks for this application. Gradually, such communication penetrates into all spheres of human activity. If earlier such communication was met only between close friends and relatives, now this is how serious work issues are resolved, political topics are discussed, and interest groups are being created. Social media discussions shape the worldview of modern people.

There are unspoken rules of etiquette that should be adhered to during correspondence so as not to spoil the impression of yourself. Without seeing the interlocutor and not hearing his voice, the opinion, as a rule, is formed on the basis of:

• literacy;
• the ability to concisely express their thoughts;
• politeness;
• used vocabulary.

Any message must begin with a greeting, address by name.

It should be borne in mind that words written only in capital letters carry a lot of emotional stress. It is better to avoid a lot of exclamation points, question marks, ellipses, and innuendo. This can form a wrong attitude towards what was said. In no case should you use obscene words.

Before sending a message, you should read it carefully, evaluate the appropriateness of the information provided. Don't forget to send thanks whenever possible.

All this can scare away not only the interlocutors, but also potential employers. One of modern trends search and recruitment is the use of social networks.

Rules for non-verbal conversation

Non-verbal interaction is carried out using facial expressions, gestures, and habits. Clothing, its cut, color, combination can say a lot about the emotional state, character, status. A messy look is created by poorly ironed clothes, unbuttoned at all buttons. The hairstyle gives integrity to the image. Hair should be clean and neatly styled.

There are certain rules that allow you to effectively interact with each other. Among the highlights are:

• Keeping distance... Invasion of personal space - closer than 40 cm - causes discomfort.
• Eye contact. When talking, you need to look into the eyes as often as possible, about 60% of the time. This is how trust is formed. However, don't be overused. Too long gaze expresses distrust, aggression.

• Using open poses... It is not recommended to cross your arms or legs. Such postures express closeness, unwillingness to make contact.
• Erect postureindicates self-confidence.
• Lack of postures expressing dissatisfaction superiority, neglect. These include the pose when the hands rest on the side, are lowered in the pockets, or are behind the back.
• Lack of excessive gesticulation.Otherwise, it may seem that the speaker does not have enough vocabulary to express his thoughts.

It should be noted that the location of the interlocutors is also important. Being opposite each other, opponents are more prone to confrontation than being located next to each other. Therefore, round tables are often used for business negotiations.

Features of conflict-free communication

During a conflict, there is a clash of opinions, interests, positions. The result of confrontation can be the achievement of a common goal or devastating consequences. Therefore, it is necessary to strive to translate any conflict into a positive channel, and if possible, prevent it altogether.

Before dissolving in emotions, you must try to take a sober look at the situation, analyze, try to politely convey the essence of the issue.

It is imperative to give your opponent the opportunity to get out of the situation with dignity. In order not to create preconditions for the emergence of confrontation, it is recommended to adhere to simple principles that allow you to effectively interact with others.

These include:

• politeness;
• respect;
• positivity;
• openness;
• attention;
• decency;
• concreteness;
• preservation of personal boundaries;
• tolerance;
• justice;
• compassion.

The ability to enter the position of another person allows you to understand the motives of his behavior, to look at the situation from a different angle. You should not react to aggression emotionally. This could lead to an uncontrolled hazardous situation. Also, do not give in to provocations.

It should be remembered that each individual has his own characteristics of character, temperament, worldview, upbringing, life situation. This must be understood and accepted. The person chooses the reaction to this or that message himself. Do not immediately "cut from the shoulder".

Business communication

In the professional world, it is customary to observe business ethics. This is a set of rules aimed at achieving specific goals. The specificity of interaction is not to show interesting sides of your character, but to interest your partner, to inspire trust and respect. It is important to find points of contact, to outline boundaries and areas of interaction. This takes into account the cultural, national characteristics of the business partner.

Key skills for successful business negotiations include:

• the ability to correctly express their intentions;
• ability to analyze;
• the ability to listen;
• the ability to defend your position;
• a sober assessment of all the pros and cons;
• knowledge of professional terminology.

There are the main stages of a business conversation:

• Greeting. At this stage, the first impression is formed.
• Introductory part... Includes preparation for discussion of key issues.
• Discussion. It includes specifying the situation, considering possible options, making a decision.
• Completion. Farewell, which also has an impact on the formation of a holistic experience.

When talking, it is necessary to show sincere interest in the topic, benevolence. Mood, emotional state should not affect the rate of speech and its volume. The facial expression should be open, friendly. Nothing disposes like a sincere smile of the interlocutor.

In the field of professional communication, such qualities as tact, honesty, decency, clarity are valued.

First, they always express the positive aspects, and only then mention the negative ones.

Regardless of the form in which a business meeting takes place, it is necessary to monitor diction, speech rate, volume, phrases, correct accents. Any outcome of a business meeting should leave a positive impression of the conversation. This greatly increases the chances of improving the result.

In this article I will tell you about which typical mistakes what parents do in relation to their grown children, and then - how can you build relationships with your adult children so that they satisfy both parties.

The eternal theme "Fathers and Sons" ... How many generations have changed since the time of human existence, and the question "HOW TO BUILD RELATIONSHIP WITH ADULT CHILDREN?" remains today one of the most important and fundamental in families.

Someone is not satisfied with this relationship, someone believes that it should be so, someone does not see the problem and only a few get true joy from communicating with each other.

The main reason for misunderstanding in such a relationship is the THOUGHT THAT “MY CHILD IS MY FOREVER!”

No, dear moms and dads, your children are individuals and after 18 years of age they must fully take responsibility for own life and happiness in your own hands.

From the moment your son or daughter turns 18, you must understand that the role of a mother is in the past for you, now you can be on an equal footing as 2 adults and separate people. The role of the mother has changed since then and she is more of a friend, not a guardian.

At the heart of everything is RESPECT for your own grown child. It is the lack of genuine respect that prevents parents from treating their children as equals.

The main mistakes in the behavior of parents with adult children:

• 1. Parents believe that their children will remain in their power forever. It's a delusion. The more you try to exercise authority in the relationship, the stronger the resistance from your son or daughter will be.
• 2. Instructions on how to live, what to do, how and where to study and work. By this you are telling your adult son or daughter that he is not able to make decisions and choose for himself.
• 3. The thought that he owes you (because he was born; because you raised him; because you took care of him). This is also a delusion. Your son or daughter does not owe you anything. When you decided to have a baby, it was your decision, you wanted it. Another thing is that it is necessary to educate so that children have a feeling of great gratitude to their parents.
• 4. Violation of boundaries. Often parents come in with unsolicited advice, try to influence the choice of a life partner, planning a new family.
• 5. Resentment. Resentment suggests that both sides (parents - children) have innuendo, past traumas. Very often, parents take offense at their children because they are not satisfied with the attitude and coldness on the part of adult children.

You can still list the mistakes of parents for a very long time, the essence, the reason for all of them will be as follows:

• - Our children grew up and we suddenly turned out to be UNNECESSARY ... Yes, we must admit it to ourselves. Imagine, this usually happens with those parents who have devoted their whole life to a child. And suddenly - emptiness ... What to do with yourself? Therefore, moms and dads continue their "Business" of education. The feeling of uselessness arises only when a person is not needed by himself.
• - Parents still want pleasure from an adult child. Hence the grievances, instructions, demands, advice. Once you gave birth to enjoy it (play, take care, admire - think about it, it was you who received positive emotions!). Now you want to continue ...
• - Unwillingness or fear to live your own life.

Selfishness underlies the reasons. Who is interested in learning about how to act in relationships with adult children,

1. Whatever "noodles" a new acquaintance may hang on your graceful ears, know that at first he has only one desire. If you feel a reciprocal desire - good luck. Tired of the whims of others, a man will appreciate your sincerity. But empty coquetry will only bring harm. If a man sees a lomaka and a pretender, he will experience growing irritation. So don't waste time yourself and don't give false hope to your boyfriend. The longer you act out the comedy, the more relieved the man will get rid of you after you finally surrender to him.

2. If you want to keep a man, do not expose your feelings for him. There is no need to tell him about your love. It is even more stupid to demand confirmation: "Do you love me? Well, tell me, tell me!" Usually such a question is answered with a lie; the word "love" from frequent use is depreciated and loses its meaning. Do not devote all your free time to a man: part of your personal life should be inaccessible to him. Evenings with girlfriends, playing sports, a computer, books will turn into a bastion, which is much stronger than a fake "not to give" attitude.

3. Recognizing a professional is almost impossible. He picks up the key to your soul and behaves adequately - exactly as you imagine a real man should behave. The pro will unwittingly give himself away when he immediately switches from you to your girlfriend, or vice versa. But even here it will not be easy to resist. The woman explains the inconstancy of such a man by the fact that she turned out to be better than her friend in his eyes. Or the fact that, on the contrary, the cunning rival beat off the man. Both are delusions.

4. Often couples are formed within the framework of a team - educational, labor, rest. But what if the team is purely female or there is no suitable man in it, and you want to flirt? You are welcome to take a walk! The company of your friend is likely to get in your way. Sitting alone on a bench in a crowded place, you will be busy talking with a man in a few minutes. Didn't like it? Apologize and go to the adjacent square. The best place to explore is on the street, including shops and public transport.

5. Don't expect to find a life partner at a resort or restaurant. Therefore, there is no need to value the acquaintances made in these places. If you don't want to feel abandoned, take the initiative: leave the man before he does it to you.

6. Do not extort endlessly expensive gifts and luxurious feasts. A man will quickly notice that you are trying to "promote" him, will treat you like a prostitute and will be right. If a man appreciates a woman, he will independently express this in material form.

7. Do not scold your former men. Firstly, it is despicable, because the previous choice was made by you yourself, perhaps even loved. Secondly, you betray your own inability to find a worthy companion. Thirdly, a new acquaintance will think: "Time will pass, and she will just throw mud at me; we need to quickly part with her."

8. Touchiness, this kind of pettiness, does not adorn anyone. Do not scandal about any reason. If you sulk every now and then, refuse to talk in response to a man's faults (real or imaginary), you will only achieve self-loathing. This behavior of yours will provoke your husband into thinking about divorce. But if you are dealing with an "adult child" then such cuts in his brain will really benefit.

9. Once the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Today a man will find excellent semi-finished products in the store and can easily concoct it himself. The way to a man's heart is through his mind. With a big intellectual break, a man will become bored with you. Usually, such a gap forms when a woman is content with the fate of a housewife. The simplest way to keep your brain in good shape is reading.

10. Monitor your speech. You should not overload a man with purely "feminine" stories about your children, relatives, work and cooking. The person should be interested in listening to you. But if a man swears that under your speeches he is resting, comes to his senses after a busy day, - babble to your health!

The word "communication" comes from the word "general". The child develops in communication with adults. Communication of this type has a great influence not only on the development of the child's psyche, but also on his physical development. Several specific types of communication can be noted. For example, in sociology, communication is understood as a method of maintaining the status quo. social system society, namely to the extent that the relationship between society and man is implied. And from a psychological point of view, communication is the maintenance of interactions between people. Communication is the contact of two or more individuals who have a common goal, namely to build relationships. Any person tries to know and appreciate other people. Based on this, he has the opportunity to self-knowledge.

Communication with adults plays an important role in the development of a child. How can he behave when dealing with adults. The highest functions of the development of the psyche in the very initial stage are created externally and not one person, but two or more, take part in its formation. And only then do they move into internal formation. For children at a young age, communication with adults is an auditory, sensorimotor and many other sources of influences. A child at this age always monitors the activities of adults and tries to imitate all their movements. For many, the parents themselves are the subject of imitation.

There are a number of methods of communication between children and adults. How should children behave when communicating with adults? If there is a lack of interaction between children and adults, then the rate of development of the psyche decreases, and resistance to diseases increases. And if there is completely no contact with adults, then it is very difficult for children to become people and remain like animals, such as Mowgli and others. However, communication between children and adults at different stages has its own peculiarity. For example, in early childhood, a child reacts to the voice of an adult much earlier than to any other signals. In the absence of contact with adults, reactions to auditory and visual stimuli slow down. For example, a child has a period before school age it is assumed as a period when they master the space of interactions, thanks to communication with adults. During this period, communication with peers is very important first of all. If this child had a correct communication with adults, then he will not have formed inferiority complexes. For example, if he goes to visit where there are many peers and adults, then he will be able to behave correctly both with peers and with adults. And those children who are deprived of full communication with adults, have a lack of attention from the outside, perhaps also from parents. During school age, communication with adults is already at a different stage of development. The school sets new tasks for the child. Communication in this case is formed as a school of social interactions. All development of a child from the very first days of life to the end of life occurs through communication. At the very beginning, the child communicates with his close adult, and then his social circle increases, children accumulate all the information, do analysis, and even are critical.

Full-fledged communication between adults and children leads to a full-fledged mental development of the child and helps not only the process of correct and normal development of the psyche, but can also become a "remedy" for dysfunctional genetic development.

For example, children with mental retardation were divided into several groups: experimental and control. At the age of three, the children were placed in the care of women who also have mental development problems. They were also in special institutions. And another group of children stayed in the orphanage. Thirteen years later, researchers obtained data on the condition of the children. About eight-ten-five percent of the children in the control group were able to graduate from high school, and four of them graduated from college. Many became very independent and full-fledged people and were even able to adapt to life. Many of the children who remained in the experimental group died, and those who survived also remained in special institutions. Personality is an integral psychological system that arose in the process of life and activity of people and performs a function associated with the people around them. Communication between children and adults has its own characteristics. Adults, in turn, have different types of behavior, different characters, and even develop different relationships between themselves and children. There are cases when maternal love and warmth are absent, as a result of which a distrust of adults or even of all the people around is formed in children. Even the correct upbringing of children depends on communication. If a child sees respect, love in the family, then he cannot behave differently when communicating with adults.

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Elena Tararina
Hear your parents. How adult children communicate with adult parents

Cover: Fadeya Kolesnik

@ Elena Tararina, 2015

@ "Astamir-V", 2015

@ Igor Nevzglyad

THE MAIN METAPHOR OF MY NEW BOOK: "OUR PARENTS ARE LIGHTHOUSES IN THE SEA"

We are ships in the dark. But seeing the Lighthouse, using its light, we are able to understand and see what is really happening on the deck of our ship, who is at the helm, what the ship looks like, whether it needs repair, and most importantly, we can determine OUR WAY and go around the reefs ...

Elena Tararna

Elena Tararina

"Everything is fair in life"

Alexey Prosekin and Marina Khmelovskaya

E. Tararina

Thanks

The most inspiring people in my life are my family: mom, dad, brother, husband, godmother, son and all members of my family. You are the support and the pivot. I am grateful!

This book is important for me personally also because for a long time I myself had far from warm, not trusting and not interesting relationships with my parents. I considered myself an unloved child. And I always had a fear: how can I help people as a psychologist, if I myself have not really seen this love. And then everything changed ...

I and my students went to work as a volunteer in an orphanage. And what Michael Roach calls "the seeds sprout" happened. I began to give the children what, as it seemed to me, I had not received in my family - love, care and sincerity. It took me about a year to give my time and heart to children, to grow in my soul an UNDERSTANDING of parental love.

With the acquisition of this UNDERSTANDING, my attitude towards me is, and how VALUABLE it is, even if it is not quite what I expected from them. And becoming a mother myself, I realized what my parents had to go through, raising me ... Everything finally fell into place. I am immensely grateful to you, dear mom and dad! I admire you!

The book uses quotes famous people modernity, which belong to completely different professions. These quotes were created specifically for this book by the authors. I would like to express my deep gratitude to all colleagues who supported this book, understanding its meaning and the value of a family in our modern society. I believe that the book WILL RESURRECT many relationships and INSPIRATE readers to CREATE.

Foreword

How to communicate with your parents when you are over twenty-five?

How to communicate with your children when they are over twenty-five?

Difficult questions! But we will look together and we will definitely find answers to them! And it will help us in our search for THIS book, because it:

♦ about the search for peace of mind;

♦ about such INTERNAL SUPPORTS, allowing yourself and realizing which, you will find peace forever;

♦ this book is about upbringing, about understanding the value of experience, about gratitude to one's family.

The book is a kind of semantic constructor, which is created so that each person will assemble his own puzzle and nourish his “inner child”.

This book is based on questions from people who attended my programs, took part in social surveys on the difficulties of parent-child relationships and my answers to them.

Perhaps there are books, after reading which, the pain of the past disappears by itself and relief and ease come. This book is not like that. Even after reading it, having lived it with your soul, you still have to take concrete actions, because actions are one of the main components of relationships. And I am sure that after careful reading of this book, you will have understanding, strength and faith in order to choose the Right actions and Live in peace with yourself and your family.

Finding answers to the difficult questions of the relationship between adult children and adult parents, you will have the OPPORTUNITY to heal "long-sore wounds" and let go of old grievances. It is important to use it!

The force of the race is one of the most powerful sources of energy for a person, so let's learn to use this energy and direct it for our own good.

It's time to GET TO KNOW YOUR PARENTS AGAIN ...

E. Tararina.

Chapter 1
Moms

1. Question: “When you live with your mother, when you already have your own family, who is the mistress? Could there be two of them? "

Answer.

There may be two of them. But then - this is no longer the mistress)). The hostess is the one who makes decisions, sets the rules and bears responsibility, but two people cannot simultaneously perform these functions. Several rules from different people do not allow you to “play the game”. Coalitions, groupings, gossip are formed.

What is more important for you - to devote years of your life to finding a compromise or to accept the rules of the hostess game (in this case, the hostess is the mother)? Typically, guests adjust to the owners' charter. We are guests in our parents' families, no matter how old we are.

The need to live according to someone else's charter is one of the most powerful motivators for many grown-up children in order to separate as soon as possible (and in terms of living as well) and become independent. If you still live with your parents, then this problem is not vitally important, then it DOES NOT excite you strongly enough.

2. Question: "I am eighteen years old, and my mother keeps saying:" We stutter ","U we are a heavy boss. " How to separate from mother's "we"?

Answer.

Unfortunately, parents also sometimes have codependency with their children. In terms developmental psychology, the concept of "we" in a healthy relationship ends with the completion of breastfeeding (no later than 3 years). After this age there is already “I am a mother” and “my child”. When parents “stick” in children, the formula “I gave him my whole life” is activated on the part of the mother, and “I am a loser” on the part of the child. Both suffer. The firstwhat needs to be done is to admit that it is not love for the child. This is self-destructive self-love.

Second. Start trusting each other, give up total control.

Third. Find useful hobbies, they will help nourish yourself in order to get out of codependency to the end. There is a saying - “The plane lands only at the prepared airport” - perhaps your behavior still contains insecurity and lack of independence and your mother, who wants only good, thus shows her love and care.

Your adult child himself must fill bumps in life, get his own life experience, with all the pros and cons, deal with life meanings and values \u200b\u200band become a person in the full sense of the word. It makes no sense to impose your own experience of life, as it may not be suitable and effective for your child. Another parent's mistake is guardianshipchildren when they have already become adults. Thus, these people, regardless of age, remain children forever, thanks to the stupid care of a mother who is not able to release her child into freedom. Usually such parents justify their custody by motherly love. Not adapting to adult life does not give such adult children the opportunity to show their life potential in full, both in professional life and in personal relationships. These eternal childrenare rarely happy, and after the death of their elderly parents, they become completely helpless before life. Another gross mistake of parents is imposing thoughts on adult children that they are something to you are obliged for giving birth to them - this is stupidity and delusion. It was your choice, not theirs.

1) Do not interfere in personal lifeyour children (in heart or family matters, if you are not asked about it and even if asked, it is better not to interfere). When parents from one side and the other pull themselves into a conflict or even an ordinary quarrel, it becomes a real battlefield. The fewer people are involved in the confrontation, the easier it is to resolve the conflict. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is no need to protect your adult child from his (her) other half, keep neutrality in their conflicts, and give adults the opportunity to decide for themselves what they want from their relationship.

2) respect personality boundariestheir grown children. Remember that control and demonstration of power can provoke resistance from an adult son or daughter and lead to conflict with you, negative emotions, and sometimes to rupture of relations for many months or even years. Treating a thirty-year-old man or woman as a teenager causes a cooling of the relationship (even annoying advice, tugging, remarks, etc. can cause irritation and annoyance in an adult, which is your child). Let your adult children see themselves as independent and responsible people, and exercise parenting through moral support, acceptance and love. Unfortunately, with age, many people become more dogmatic and rigid, and criticism of their already grown children becomes even more than in childhood.

3) Do not interfere with the professional life of your adult children.Do not give advice on changing your profession, job or salary unless asked to do so. Often it looks like this: "Why did you choose this profession, it does not suit you"; “They don't pay enough for this job, go away and look for something else”; "Vasya, Petya, etc. have already reached such and such career heights, and you are a dunce and a loser, unable to achieve anything in life." At first glance, your advice may seem very rational, but in fact, your adult child himself is able to make a choice and determine what is right for him and what is not. It is he who realizes himself through professional activity, not you. What suits you may not suit him, and, most importantly, your negative remark or criticism can ruin his mood for a long time and even undermine his self-confidence. Once again, it is better to cheer up your adult son or daughter, they will be grateful to you for this, because you are still an authority for them at heart, and they want your recognition and praise as they once did in childhood.

4) Don't create for an adult child guilt complex,starting the game with all sorts of diseases and manipulating it in order to give you more attention and time. Do not reproach with the fact that you have devoted all your life to him, and he was not grateful. The relationship between parents and children should be built on love, trust and emotional warmth, not on creating complexes. Better to honestly admit that you miss your children and grandchildren. Come up with pleasant gatherings, peculiar family traditions on weekends: a delicious dinner, walks in the park with grandchildren, etc. I remember how in my childhood I played lotto with my parents and grandparents and everyone enjoyed this pastime. The main thing is positive emotions, feelings of joy from the closeness between parents and children. You cannot build anything good and sincere on negative emotions: categorical - "you must or must (on)", reproaches and resentments, all this is a path to nowhere. To be needed, you need to give love to your children at any age, and then it will return to you twice.

5) One of the main problems for adult children is inability or unwillingness to forgive parentsfor past childhood grievances or past psychological trauma. It is these grievances that can generate emotional coldness, and even revenge from adult children. This approach traumatizes old people, because often they do not even understand what caused such a negative attitude. I would like to remind such adult children that your parents are not eternal and there is no need to poison their old age with revenge for their childhood. Learning to forgive close people is a whole art, so a person becomes a more mature person and gets rid of infantilism. Remember, then when they are gone, enlightenment and repentance will come, but it will be too late, and with this heavy burden on your Soul you will have to live the rest of your life. It is better to forgive in time, have a heart-to-heart talk, remove what was not yet said and live on without the heavy burden of childhood grievances. If you cannot cope with negative emotions on your own, work with a therapist. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, while your heartlessness and resentment, on the contrary, will reduce.

6) Show respectto their parents, as well as a feeling of gratitude. After all, when you were little, you were cared for and loved unselfishly. With age, parents themselves become like small children, and sometimes completely defenseless in front of life (due to poor health or even age-related changes in the brain, you also cannot live on a meager pension). The world of a retired elderly person is not as diverse and interesting as in previous years. After all, there is no longer work and communication with a large number of other people, the world shrinks to an apartment or a garden, and every call from a son or daughter is something joyful and meaningful. Do not skimp on attention to your old people, “stay close”, even if you are far away: call, communicate, share your joy, find out about their health, support your parents morally and financially.

7) Don't give up on your parents' desire to be caringabout you or your children. Grandparents love to mess with their grandchildren, take them to different events, pamper them with gifts, all this fills their lives with pleasant emotions, and they feel needed. When a person has something to live for, it motivates, adds tone and health. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and negative, depression or resentment, on the contrary, will shorten. An elderly person needs a tone to life and often the only meaning of life is communication with their loved ones and taking care of their grandchildren. Do not put your pressing problems ahead of feelings and attention to parents, because when the parents are gone, you will understand that what you didn’t give your parents was much more important than all this fuss with work or something else, you will regret, but nothing will change. can no longer. Remember that you are responsible for your elderly parents, and this is no less important than responsibility for your children. Pamper them with your attention, take them to cafes and movies, ride with them to the sea. Later, when they are gone, you will remember these moments with great warmth and love.

8) How to resolve conflicts with elderly parents.

For example, when grandmothers and grandfathers are trying to take over the function of parents for your children, then all these situations can be gently resolved without entering into confrontation. Remember, the best way to tell your parents what you don't like. - this is humor, not a frontal attack and reproaches. Something said warmly, with love and humor - is more easily perceived and does not cause reciprocal aggression or resentment. Or you can have a heart-to-heart talk over a cup of tea or a glass, but again it is necessary to expose the situation not aggressively or in the form of reproaches, but gently and gently in the form of a request. This applies to almost any conflict situation... It is important to understand that you are not in the ring and you do not need victory at any cost; it is much more important to maintain warm and trusting relationships with your old people than to feel like a winner.

10) Take care of your parents and treat them with care.

Old people are offended like children, and it is necessary to treat them condescendingly and spare their feelings and health.

There is no need to pay attention to their capriciousness or categoricalness, and even more so to enter into a tough conflict, it is possible and necessary to find compromise solutions, and most importantly not to escalate the situation and not accumulate negative. It is categorically impossible to throw over mutual accusations, remembering the past and dragging from the past a whole heap of mutual grievances and disappointments. It's like an avalanche that is gaining mass and speed, it is able to demolish on its way all good things, relationships, and health. Heart attacks and strokes are often related to the negative experiences of old people after such conflicts. Take care of your parents! As practice proves, people often repeat the life scenario of their parents, and your children can repeat your own scenario. Thus, both positive and negative patterns of behavior are transmitted from generation to generation. As soon as you become more conscious or even more humane (humane) in relation to your parents, from that moment in your life there is much more kind and positive, and this makes it possible to live life more happily and harmoniously with people close and dear to you. Family, parents and children are, first of all, family and emotional ties between people. Do not forget that when they grow up, your children will treat you the way you treat your parents now, because they remember your patterns of behavior, and you are an authority and role model for them.

Tigran Grigoryan, psychologist, conflictologist

3. Question: “When my mother says something to me, I feel double messages in her words. On the one hand, care, on the other, humiliation and devaluation of me. "

Answer.

Double binds is a topic for an entire book. The person says: “I love”, but in intonation, gestures the message is “get out of my eyes”. It is important to get out of such relationships, they are doomed to pain. Double messages arise when we cannot admit our negative feelings to ourselves, and we portray love, suppressing discontent, although our whole being radiates irritation. People use double binds to hold each other back. Perhaps, in this way, your mother is trying to keep you. Telling you unpleasant things, whom does your mother really humiliate, devalue and insult? What pain of her own are these feelings? Your task is to get out of the relationship of devaluation and build a completely new relationship of respect. This can take time, it will take patience, you need to cope with emotions and remember every second what you are really striving for. In double letters it is important to TELL the person that his words are perceived by your mind on the one hand, and by the soul on the other. It is not an easy task to help another person in your presence to admit their irritation or other negative feelings, but only this total sincerity with a deep sense of respect for a person is able to change the system of interaction in double messages.

Mom is not easy. Use the wisdom to understand that your mom really wants attention and care, and is afraid to let you go, so as not to face loneliness or something, from her point of view, even more dangerous.

The problem of parent-child relations is complex in the paradigm of the soul and mind, verticals and horizontals, high and low. Parents, considering themselves the main guide between the Lord and their child, who are accustomed to being engaged in someone, unwittingly lose the object of their care and concern. Children, in turn, striving for freedom, the ability to cope with problems themselves and design their life, time, subconsciously hurt their parents. No one, never in any way, in my opinion, is able to solve a problem for someone else, and the desire to love, respect and fill each other with harmony, creativity is a rule that will help generations to hear each other. You need to learn to convey to each other in various artistic manifestations everything you want to say, and not hang around for hours on the phone, sorting out a relationship that actually costs nothing.

Lesya Mudrak, writer

4. Question: “I cannot support my mom the way she wants. I feel guilty. What to do?"

Answer.:

First, let's take a look at what wine is. Guilt is a mistake, the culprit is the person who caused an event.

Feelings of guilt (as well as resentment, and many other negative feelings) cannot be imposed, it can only be your inner decision.

There are basic needs - food, care, treatment, and others - that need to be more met. Often, parents begin to reproach their children for not creating the necessary comfort for them out of fear of loneliness. Feelings of guilt are an excellent hook that reliably "hooks" a person. Guilt is a tool of manipulation. Start by making a list of your real options for caring for your mom. Familiarize her with it. Tell her that this is your limit, that this is all that you can give her at the moment. At the same time, keep love in your heart and respect in your voice. And if even after that mom still has complaints, this should not upset you, since you are not guilty. The main thing is to clearly keep your line and not for a moment let the admission of guilt in your heart. Guilt will rob you of the strength to care for love. And the lack of care out of love - gives rise to a deep feeling of uselessness and lack of demand. This is a very dangerous feeling for no longer young parents ...

5. Question: “My mother tells me that“ let my daughter, like me in due time, suffer, suffer, starve ”. How to understand this? "

Answer.

Parents want their children to appreciate what they have. Parents do not always instill this value in their children in the right way. Children usually react aggressively to such behavior of parents. When inviting the child to “suffer and starve,” the mother is hardly speaking out of love. Rather, her words are out of resentment and irritation. There are parents who believe that fate has treated them very cruelly. They cannot forgive it, and they carry this pain in themselves. Sooner or later, the pain pours out on children. What should children do? First, accept that mom is in great pain.

At one time, no one supported her, and she is angry with the world. You, in general, are not involved in this, it's just that this outpouring of negative emotions occurs in your presence. After all, not everything that happens to people, even in your presence, is connected with you, is it? If the person next to you has a stomach ache, you wouldn't consider yourself the cause, would you? Second, remember that you have the right to make your choice, you don't have to choose "suffering and starvation." You can choose hard work, assertiveness and self-confidence. Can you make that choice? I also highly recommend shifting the focus of what you notice about your mom. Surely there are moments when she talks about you with kindness, support, care, are there her actions that make you feel warm? Remember this more often, because it is so easy for our soul to devalue the good and the normal, to focus on problems ... She is like a three-year-old at a construction site - she needs an eye and an eye!

Advice to parents: do not criticize or impose your vision on children. Do not interfere with their privacy. And to support them. I told my eldest daughter: “You can always count on us in difficult life circumstances. We will always take you under our roof and help, if necessary, financially. You must not lose your self-esteem, under any circumstances! " Advice to children: almost the same :) accept parents as they are, they cannot be altered. You can only change your attitude towards them :)), preferably to a positive one. In difficult relationships, always include humor :)) if, of course, you have it. If not, then just be restrained. And more often say that you love them :))) they really need it !!! And that you need them! This is also very important for them. Ask them for advice, but do as you see fit :)))

Margarita Sichkar, public figure, restaurateur

6. Question: “Mom reproaches that she has put all her life on me, and demands that I listen to her and be attached to her.”

Answer.

If a mother lives according to the principle “I put my whole life on you”, then the child very often lives with the feeling: “I am a loser,” we have already spoken about this, analyzing the question above.

These two mottos are two sides of the same coin, they are inseparable. If parents reproach their children for ingratitude, then we can say that they never really loved them. Loving and caring in order to raise a servant for old age is a wrong parenting policy. We cannot love our children so that they will one day return this love to us.

Reproach is, in general, not a form of education. Reproach always evokes resistance and a desire to distance yourself. A parent teaches primarily by example. If you, as a parent, can give your child love and be happy at the same time, you will bring up happy person... If love for a child becomes the meaning of life for you, you doom both yourself and him to sacrifice, resentment, pretense and disappointment. The best way for parents to teach their child to take care is to teach the child to love nature, animals, children, adults from the very childhood, to show by example how to take care of grandparents. Children do not have an innate reflex to love their parents; this skill must and is important to develop and form.

7. Question: “My daughter is not like me, but should be like me. And live the same way. What to do?"

Answer.

Your daughter is not like you, and that's okay. Parents should not turn children into their photocopies and doubles. Parents are given in order to create conditions for the manifestation of the best qualities of the child. Children always have more choices than adults, and they should be different from their parents, since they are completely differently arranged, they have a different character, different preferences. By turning a child into a self-copy, we forbid the child to be himself, we comfort our own ego and degrade ourselves.

Every child has the right to be himself. And in order for him to want to be like his parent, he - the parent - needs to work hard on himself. Children want to be part of the best and the happiest. Develop and be happy!

Children who are twenty-five or more continue to be children for us, with their problems, joys and sorrows. It was very important for me to understand that my daughter, who is very much like me, has many of my habits and hobbies, but not me. Eve some important moments in life, I can act completely differently than I would.

I very emotionally lived through her crush, her disappointment and betrayal on the part of a loved one. It was at such moments that we were closer than ever. I helped her understand the meaning of these events, not to be offended by fate and the people through whom this event came into her life. We talked a lot on spiritual topics, I talked about my experience and the experience of people close to me, how they went through crises in their lives. I gave many arguments in favor of the fact that everything should be taken for granted, be grateful to fate for both sorrow and joy. It seems to me that the correct passage of the "points of love" will largely determine her female happiness, her inner psychological state.

I am learning to accept her choice, to respect it. It is very difficult in communicating with my daughter not to evaluate her decisions and choices if she is not asked of me. If she asks me for advice, then I do it very delicately (after all, I am not the ultimate truth). After giving advice, I always turn her gaze inward, while reminding her that no one knows better than you what will be right, listen to your heart and do as it tells you. I really want her to learn to trust herself and make decisions with confidence.

Truly, adult children are tasks of increased complexity !!! These are no longer problems of nutrition, study, bad habits, these are questions from the category of "art of living."

Galina Kirmach, candidate of psychological sciences, practicing psychologist-teacher

8. Question: “I feel like my mom lives for me. I feel guilty, how do I deal with this? "

Answer.

All mothers, with the birth of a child, unconditionally devote part of their lives to him. The only question is, what is the percentage of this part in the life of a parent?

The older the children, the fewer parents in their lives. Many people think so. In fact, this is a misconception. Indeed, the older the children are, the less time they spend in communication with their parents, but more and more time is devoted to them in the shower. First of all, they begin to understand what parental habits they inherited, to choose what can be left and what needs to be changed.

Secondly, children clearly see what behavior they have adopted, and how this behavior, beliefs and thoughts of parents affect their quality of life. We have been talking to our parents all our lives.This is normal. If mom lives for you, it means that you have not yet shown such character traits, seeing which, mom could “move away” from you. The happy eyes of a realized and carried away by life of an adult child seem to give the mother permission to “move away”.

One of the most important "disenchanting" therapeutic phrases is never too late to have a happy childhood. We can blame our past for our failure all our lives, but we can heal it from anywhere in the present. First Steps to Healing:

1. stop blaming yourself and others;

2. learn to thank yourself and the world (parents, friends, employees).

Our parents have always given us only what they have - if there was more, they could have given more. Each generation has its own level of care - one generation cares about survival, another about development - education, the third - about feelings. Our grandparents did not have the opportunity to take care of our parents' feelings - they had to survive during and after the war. Our parents could not always take care of our feelings - it was not in their "base". I accept from you with gratitude the life and strength of the race that came through you, but everything that does not correspond to my potential, everything that relates to the feeling of guilt, resentment, fear, limitations - I do not accept, I leave it to those to whom it belongs " ... At each stage of growing up, we try to preserve the feeling of WE - closeness, kinship, love, care, but we reserve the right to our own I. The greatest thing a parent can do for his child is to be happy and let him go to his own happiness. An ancient ritual - blessings - can become modern. I bless you for your success, life of abundance, happiness, health, love. We allow you to move away as far as it is important for you, but we will always remain your mom and dad. I relieve you of responsibility for our relationship with dad, our realization and our life, I relieve you of our guilt and feeling of heaviness from different moments of your growing up. Live and go through life easily. Dad and I are adults. We can handle everything that life has to offer.

Svetlana Royz, family psychologist

9. Question: “Mom loves me too much. Made me the meaning of her life. All her actions are for me, she misses me all the time. And I cannot be the center of her universe. It makes me angry, annoying, our relationship deteriorates. "