Resentment lives in the soul: where does this terrible resentment come from? Resentment - from the point of view of objective psychology What is resentment

Feeling and emotion are often used synonymously and are characterized as a psychological process that reflects a subjective evaluative attitude towards existing or possible situations. but emotions Is a direct reaction to something based on an intuitive level, and the senses Is a product of thinking, experiencing accumulated experience, permissible norms, rules, culture ...

Many researchers divide emotions into negative, positive, and neutral. But, what about the usefulness of emotions? All emotions are important and necessary to adjust to reality. Experiencing positive emotions, joy, satisfaction, interest, love - we fix in memory the desirable types of behavior that create our personal resources, help us to better understand the world and ourselves, give us a sense of well-being, success, trust, develop creativity and help in rapprochement with other people, and are also a support and support in difficult moments of life. Negative emotions sometimes they even surpass positive ones in their “usefulness”, as they give us important information. For example, fear tells us about a threat, danger, which is the basis of self-preservation and survival; sadness about loss; anger - about unworthy behavior, about possible life problems, etc.

There are emotions that fill our inner world, prevent us from feeling freedom, joy, a sense of satisfaction, harmony and harmony with ourselves and the outside world. These are learned emotions / conventions, layered on our children's spiritual purity, gentleness, spontaneity, open perception of the world. Some of the most important acquisitions and conventions that prevent us from feeling happy are resentment / resentment, envy, guilt and shame. Today I want to analyze in detail the feeling of resentment.

Resentment- unjustly inflicted grief, an insult, which causes the experience of anger towards the offender and self-pity.

Consider the positive and negative aspects of this feeling.

The positive meaning of resentment is that resentment, like any other emotion, performs an important function in the survival and adaptation of people to each other. It is very important to note here that resentment and guilt are paired feelings, they always arise in pairs: if I am offended, then my offender experiences guilt or shame. Resentment occurs when the behavior of another person does not meet my expectations. This feeling is expressed by facial expressions, intonation and mood, thanks to which we give a kind of signal that an event has occurred, which is assessed as an unfair violation of rights, borders, damage to honor or status, the fact of an offensive attitude towards a person and our offender understands that for further interaction, he needs to change his behavior. Consequently, resentment plays an important role in how people interact with each other.

There is an opinion that resentment is an acquired emotion that is formed in early childhood from 2-5 years old.

The society teaches resentment, and first of all these are parents and grandmothers who, by their expectation of resentment, teach a small child to be offended. For example, we can often hear such phrases “My little one, go mom / grandmother will regret who offended my beloved (Moy)…” By forbidding to express any emotions, we also teach the child to replace them with an offense. Or, on the contrary, the parents themselves demonstrate their resentment, and in this case, the child develops that very convention of behavior. For example: if I have been offended, I should be offended, because this is the way it should be, it is accepted. However, excessive resentment carries negative character... A resentful person not only suffers himself (he experiences an offense over and over again, remembering that he was once offended, although in this period of time there is neither an offender nor a situation), his nerves are quickly depleted and the offense can develop into chronic stress, but at the same time he also unwittingly makes the offender suffer, causing him to feel guilty or ashamed.

There is an opinion that there are people who are less touchy or resentful at all. This is not true. Everyone is touchy. It's just that everyone has their own "themes". Some are easier to offend, others are more difficult, and it depends on how many questions and confusion a person has in life, how many of those “vulnerable topics”. But there are people who are afraid of losing their "face" and at the same time demonstrate their resistance to offenses, in this case, just the offense can stay with a person for a long time, because he does not even admit to himself what he feels.

Demonstration or resilience to resentment depends on habitual patterns of behavior. The most common are holding back, switching and quenching (weakening): I am offended, but I pretend that it does not touch me. I revel in my resentment, demonstrate it to everyone, with the secret idea of ​​tormenting the offender with a sense of guilt.

How can you ease this feeling?

First of all, I would like to emphasize that resentment is a manifestation of the child's ego state. We may be 40, but inside we may feel like a scared child or a rebellious teenager. A child always lives in each of us, regardless of our age. And this child is either happy or alone within us.

Resentment is a product of parental prohibitions against expressing any emotion, such as anger, fear, sadness, and even joy. As a result, the child tries to hide, swallow this emotion, although he continues to experience it. And the forbidden emotion is replaced by another one that can be experienced. We grow up with this and already as adults do not know, do not understand what we feel, what we actually experience. Each of us needs to understand how I feel at a given moment. And this needs to be learned. Of course, with a psychologist, you will be able to quickly deal with the feelings that you experience, learn to manage and use them for your own good and the good of others, understand not only your feelings, but also recognize them in other people. This will give you a greater understanding of yourself and others.

One way to ease feelings of resentment is to express your feelings. At the very least, admit to yourself: “Yes, I am offended” and try to understand yourself: what is it that hooked you so strongly? Try to sort everything out on the shelves, remember when such feelings (repetition of the situation) were encountered before. Understand what real emotion is hidden behind the resentment and to whom this emotion was originally directed. Let this emotion be. This will give you the opportunity to look at the situation with an “adult”, conscious look. Assess the complexity of the situation. Allow yourself to experience repressed feelings. And finally, try to justify your offender.

We are familiar with the offense from childhood. Some are offended more, others less. And how much she destroyed relationships, families, and what can I say, destinies. It is terrible in that it eats a person from the inside.

Hence, serious illnesses arise, both physical and psychological. Therefore, you need to be able to forgive.

What is resentment?

Resentment in psychology is the response of an offended person to the act of another person, which is unacceptable for her. Causes a feeling of hostility, you can get rid of it, the main thing is that it does not develop into constant resentment.

Some people do not hold resentment in themselves, they splash out bad emotions on others. Others, on the contrary, close in themselves and carry them deep inside, without showing anyone. They smile despite adversity. But this is fraught with dire consequences.

This usually leads to deep depression. Again, if it concerns a single offense, it’s not so bad, but systematic resentment is already a big problem. This is what the psychology of resentment tells about.

How is this emotion characterized?

She carries a powerful destructive force. This deteriorates health and relationships.

The main components of resentment:

• Strong mental pain... It arises in response to an unfair attitude towards an individual.
• Feelings of betrayal. The offended person says that he never expected this.
• Perception of the unfair actions of another individual in relation to the offender, based purely on the results of one's own observation and analysis. That is, his pay for the same job is higher than mine, or his parents love his younger brother more, etc.
• Long-term experience, and to some subjects it can stick forever.
• Can cause rupture of strong family relations... If this is a childish resentment that was left unattended inside the child, then it can subsequently result in a deep interpersonal conflict with parents.
• The ability to stay deep in the soul. Often a person is unable to admit that he is offended, which makes him even more unhappy.
• Feeling irreparable from the situation.
• Blocking of consciousness. An offended person is not able to give an objective assessment of what is happening.
• Can provoke a state of passion.

By all accounts, the resentment has very serious consequences. This is a loss of meaning in life, apathy and even suicidal thoughts.

But it is worth noting that you can only take offense at a close or dear person. A stranger can only offend.

People take offense in different ways

Before embarking on a discussion of this issue, it is necessary to understand why it is very easy to offend some, while others are difficult. The bottom line is that everyone is offended in different ways. Some have many pronounced vulnerabilities, others have fewer, and they are hidden. It often happens that you can offend unconsciously, hitting the quick. And it may seem that the person is very touchy, but in fact it is not.

Causes of resentment

There are three main sources:

1. Deliberate manipulation. This is the deliberate protrusion of resentment in order to get what you want, as well as to cause feelings of guilt in another.
2. Inability to forgive. This is unconscious manipulation and is the root cause of most resentment. A person does not understand what and why he is offended, but he knows how to make amends for another.
3. Deceived expectations. Everything is simple here. Let's say a woman wants an expensive gift, but receives a teddy bear, or when you count on the help of close friends, but she is not.

More often people with disabilities are offended by people who are in a state of stress, quarrels, depression, as well as those who love and feel sorry for themselves.

So what is resentment in psychology? This is a terrible feeling of annoyance that arises from the sudden actions of a person. That is why the phrase is often heard that this could not be expected from him. But if you learn to recognize people right away, then there will be no place for offense. After all, when a certain situation happens, the actions you expect will take place, it will not be offensive.

We figured out what resentment is in psychology. How to get rid of it? Read on for more on this.

Resentment in psychology: how to get rid

These tips will help you overcome unpleasant feelings.

You need to learn how to adequately respond to any unforeseen negative situation, turn on the mind, and not be guided by only one emotion.

It is necessary to find the root of the resentment. People often think why they were treated this way, but another question should be asked, from which irritability arises so quickly. You need to deal with your emotions, engage in self-improvement.

You cannot hide behind carelessness and joy. Because by deceiving others, you drive resentment deep into the subconscious. What causes depression and poor emotional state.

Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. Share your experiences. This will help to rethink the lived situation, get rid of resentment, and possibly prevent the appearance of unpleasant moments.

You cannot fit people under one frame, placing great hopes, because everyone is completely different, with an individual character and perception. You don't have to be treated well and loved by everyone. You can't please everyone. Having learned this truth, you can avoid the occurrence of many offensive situations.

If you intentionally try to offend you, you do not need to show a reaction. And next time the person will not do it.

You cannot accumulate this feeling in yourself, otherwise, when the resentment goes beyond the edges, quarrels, scandals and even partings begin. It is necessary to resolve all the nuances as they arise.

You need to be able to forgive and let go of people from your life who constantly and intentionally offend you.

Introduce yourself. The reason may lie behind your tiredness and irritation, overexertion, old mental wounds.

If it is difficult to cope with this problem on your own, it will be correct to turn to a specialist for help.

It can be seen from everything that you can overcome the resentment, the main thing is to turn on the mind and act quickly.

There is another good practice that can help you get rid of resentment. It's very simple. It is necessary to take a pen and a sheet of paper and draw up a letter of appeal to the abuser. You should not restrain yourself in statements, because no one will read it. After that, you need to be in silence alone with yourself, to rethink the situation, it will immediately become easier. Putting negative emotions on paper is a great way to release your anger.

Psychology: resentment at everyone

She usually appears in tandem with guilt feelings. Some take offense at something, others, experiencing remorse, pleasing everyone, try to correct the past mistake.

Before moving on to discussing men's offenses (in psychology), let's figure out why people are offended.

They fall into three main categories:

• people living in the past;
• overly emotional;
• vindictive.

People living in the past run the risk of getting a complex from long-standing resentment. Suppose a man who harbored a grudge against one woman in his youth will experience a similar feeling towards others throughout his life.

People of the second type are able to embellish the situation, exaggerate the offense. And the most difficult thing is that it is almost impossible to convince such a person that the problem is far-fetched.

Vindictive people are scary because they nurture and try to implement a plan of revenge for a long time.

Thus, we smoothly moved on to the next question.

The psychology of male grievances

It is difficult for the stronger sex to admit their own weaknesses. Therefore, they do not give direct answers to questions, in every possible way they leave them or speak evasively.

The ability to mask the resentment well makes it possible. But men take offense.

Let's consider the reasons:

1. The manner of speaking. Excessive straightforwardness and harshness can not only offend, but even push away from oneself.
2. You must always remain correct. In anger and in the process, you cannot touch a man for a sore spot. For example, if he is worried about a low salary, you should not reproach him with this. No need to criticize his masculinity.
3. Men, as a rule, do not talk about the lack of love and affection. And perhaps resentment is manipulation to get attention. You need to engage in introspection to avoid such a situation.
4. A person can be very emotional and impulsive. To perceive everything sharply, dwelling on trifles. In this case, you need to understand that with age, they need to be taken as such.
5. High self-esteem can lead to resentment. When parents from early childhood praised their son, praised him to heaven, and here the wife expresses her displeasure, the husband will not tolerate this. He does not understand this attitude and is not used to it.

You need to understand that men are straightforward. They are either telling the truth, or they are simply silent. After hard-hitting statements, he can withdraw into himself. But this will not indicate an offense. Thus, he walks away and calms down, reflects, and then approaches and apologizes.

Much more complicated is the situation with the grievances of children against their parents.

Children's grievances

Until the age of five, they take offense at any parental prohibition. At this stage, babies believe that everything is created for them and belongs only to them. Growing up, the child will begin to understand that he is not alone in the world, and there will be much less resentment.

From five to twelve years of age conscious. And it is necessary to listen to their desires, because this can become a source of deep problems and misunderstanding.

Childhood resentment (in psychology this is considered) entails anger, rage, desire for revenge, disappointment. This is difficult to cope with, so various psychological problems arise that can affect the entire life of the child.

They need to be taught to forgive early in life to avoid big problems in adulthood.

How to help your child deal with resentment

Resentment and forgiveness of parents by children in psychology is a vital issue. The main thing that adults should know is that one cannot ignore the grievances of their child. If the kid extorts another toy, do not leave, ignoring his cry. You need to explain why you can't buy it.

When a child withdraws into himself, this is an alarm signal. He must be taken out of this state by any means. Take a walk, watch a cartoon together, and then be sure to return to this situation and figure out what caused it.

It is necessary to discuss everything with the child. It is impossible to keep silent and simply punish. It is necessary to break the system: resentment - anger - a desire for revenge.

In addition to resentment, forgiveness in psychology is no less significant moment. Forgiveness is the most important thing a child's parents should teach. Any method is suitable for this: reading books, watching cartoons, singing, dancing. The main thing is that the child does not accumulate negative emotions in himself. Let him not be able to forgive his offender to the end, but if the desire to take revenge does not arise, this is already half the success. There is a lot of beauty in life, and it is necessary to show and focus on this attention.

But resentment (in psychology this is considered) is not always a bad feeling. It helps to look at yourself from the outside. See those character traits that need improvement. After all, resentment can occur due to chronic fatigue, depression, this is an invitation to change and rest.

How can you forgive an offense?

We figured out the concept of resentment in psychology, learned how negatively and destructively it affects a person. After all, an offended person cannot function normally and simply enjoy life.

But it is not enough to understand what insult is in psychology. How to deal with this? Frequently asked question, which we will try to answer.

Here are psychologists' advice on how to forgive an offense.

You need to calm down and soberly assess the situation, imagine what life will be like if you continue to be offended further. Such is the psychology of people - grievances are overwhelming.

It is worth analyzing in writing what led to this situation. What offended you, what sore spots the opponent pressed on, because in this way he pointed to your weak sides.

You need to start with words of forgiveness. Repeat the phrase "I free myself from resentment" many times, and it really becomes easier. The worst offense (in psychology this is considered) is against the mother, who prevents her from building her own happy family. It is important to understand that she gave you life and to forgive her.

Deal with resentment with a sense of humor. The ability to laugh at yourself will make it easier to endure troubles.

To overcome resentment, you can find the following advice in psychology: often people offend others unconsciously, maybe this is your case. There are no identical people, everyone perceives what has been done and said in their own way. But in order to clarify the situation, you can bring the offender to the conversation and highlight all the accents, find out his intentions and speak out yourself.

Every person is capable of forgiving an insult. Letting go makes it much easier. This is a difficult process, it will be difficult at first, but then it will come to automatism.

Resentment and self-defense (in psychology this is considered) are closely related. Resentment is a certain degree of self-defense, thanks to which the offended one evokes special attention, a feeling of compassion, pity, thereby showing his "I".

This is a psychological reaction of a person, the purpose of which is to influence the opponent. It arises due to the fact that the expected does not coincide with reality.

Components of resentment

How are grievances and expectations related in psychology? To understand this issue, you need to consider three components:

1. Plotting the expected result. A person mentally draws the outcome of the upcoming event. But, unfortunately, it does not always coincide with the desired one. People are different, with their own worldview. All problems have one source - the inability to talk. Instead of silently waiting for the implementation of the plan according to your own scenario, it is better to talk to the person, find out his wishes and find out about his upcoming actions. And if there is love and respect, this act will not be like manipulation.
2. Observation. It is necessary not only to look, you need to think about your expectations, to perceive the behavior of another person, to evaluate and criticize.
3. Comparing expectations with reality. It is not always possible to end up with what you want. Therefore, resentment arises. The more inconsistencies there are, the stronger it will be. You cannot impose your point of view on a stranger, he has the right to act as he wants. It is necessary to make it a rule that you need to rely only on yourself. If expectations are not met, solve the problem by talking about it.

You should not bring to grudges, they need to be warned. And better, of course, at all, it's difficult, but quite possible.

Even this feeling has its positive sides.

The benefits are expressed in the following:

1. Our weaknesses are revealed. You need to get to the bottom of the source of the resentment.
2. In the event of a rupture, the offense acts as an anesthetic. Self-pity, anger and rage help to quickly get rid of memories, give strength to go forward, to leave everything in the past.
3. Resentment allows bad emotions to be released. Sometimes a showdown is even helpful.

And one more interesting fact... More often, offended people are obtained from because they got what they wanted. Because of this, they developed two shortcomings: the belief that everyone around them should, and the inability to work.

Therefore, resentment must be eradicated from early childhood. Get rid of it in a timely manner, because it can cause physical and psychological illness.

Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with resentment in our lives from time to time. Situations when we take offense at someone, or when someone takes offense at us, are almost inevitable. It is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are a lot of reasons for that. The main reason is our selfishness, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or, including about them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and take into account our interests and desires, making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we take offense at them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait of a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, all, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people take offense at each other, how to behave with resentful people and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not interfere with us achieving our goals and enjoying life.

You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us take offense at someone from time to time, and I also sometimes take offense, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the best model of behavior - not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is better to replace it with another model, a more perfect and more, let's say, a mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

Why do we take offense

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - are we offended inside ourselves in order to feel sorry for ourselves in this way and justify our failures, or are we showing other people our resentment, our discontent, our offended by their actions in order to get from them a certain reaction we need. Moreover, one is often combined with another. After all, we all want something from someone, but we do not always get what we want. What is not a reason to take offense and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all the responsibility for your failures onto other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from inner discomfort. So there will always be a reason for offense, but offense is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what he does not like in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not meet our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are unhappy with them, we are unhappy with their behavior and even ourselves, for trusting these people. We feel resentment, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment inside ourselves, that is, take offense - imperceptibly, or we can take offense so that everyone will see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for an excuse to pity and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people with the help of resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to take offense at adults, mainly at their parents - allows the child to seek certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children draw the attention of adults to themselves, vividly demonstrating to them their weakness and pressing on their feelings of guilt. This is a real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our resentment to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. That is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply do not know how else to react to the frustration that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful when we want to influence someone. Why are you, dear readers, offended [if you are offended]? Think about it. It may be that your resentment is not doing you any good, regardless of the reason you are offended - to pity and justify yourself, to influence other people, or to do both. Let's see what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing... Despite the fact that a person's resentment can also be affected by an unfavorable hormonal background, education plays a more significant role in this matter. Well, rightly, and even let's say, a reasonably brought up person will not be offended, or in any case he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are many other ways how to survive any setbacks and disappointments, and to influence other people? Offended person - demonstrates weakness, people do not respect touchy people, because they despise weakness, as it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show other people when we take offense at them and show them our resentment? That they did wrong — wrong for us, but quite possibly right for themselves? We also show them that we are unhappy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want to be apologized to us, to do something for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people whom we are demonstratively offended and, at the same time, see no other opportunity to get from them what we need. What it is? This is weakness. We show people our inability to influence them in other ways, we sign our own helplessness. Will it help us to solve our problems and tasks, will it help us to strengthen our position in society, in a team, in relations with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by pressing on their feelings of pity, guilt, their desire to be good and right for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, resentment has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can take offense at selfish people as much as we want - they still will not change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, he is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled - it is difficult for him to refuse this behavior, even if his offenses do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is not able to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him resentment is the only salvation. But all these problems are solvable.

Shifting responsibility... The desire to shift the responsibility onto others also often encourages many people to take offense at everyone who has not helped them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, moreover, just like that, it is not clear. But for some touchy people, this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not living up to the expectations of the touchy person, and it is not he who is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be to blame for not giving the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn't really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be beneficial for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that to take offense at other people means to see them as a problem, not in yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for the sake of someone? How many people want to change at least for themselves? So what's the point of being offended at them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for inner peace, for inner comfort, there is no more need.

Manipulation... The desire to manipulate people, including with the help of resentment, is an innate desire of a person. Manipulating people with resentment can be both conscious and unconscious. Unconsciously, this is done mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to achieve from adults the desired attitude towards themselves. And if adults react to the child's grievances, in the way he needs, he will continue to resent them in the future. We've been through all of this, most of us. But some people, I must say, deliberately took touchiness into their arsenal and with its help they manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see badly in touchy people educated people and the most common manipulators - in most cases they are not mistaken. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the grievances of other people in the way they, manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find mutual language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time give him something, and a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account the interests and desires of other people. It is still forgivable for children, they get along with adults as best they can. But an adult to take offense at people in order to manipulate them, at least not to the face. And as a maximum, I think that for this it is necessary to punish, either with the help of counter manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is the question of how to deal with resentful people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them, understand them, if they are offended not in order to extract one-sided benefits, but because of their weakness. But still from this bad habit- the habits of being offended, the resentful person must be relieved.

I would also like to note that children's resentment is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, pressing on the pity and guilt of adults; for them, this is one of the few opportunities to gain the attention they need to themselves and certain concessions. Adults are another matter, for them touchiness is more likely a disadvantage than an advantage. It is unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to take offense at them and expects concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, resentment can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react to other people in a different way, if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons for resentment, in order to make himself a victim, to cry, to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who offend him can be. There is also a normal resentment when a person is disappointed with other people so much that he simply cannot refrain from expressing his disappointment with them through resentment. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is very rarely offended, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We were all so offended, at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when it hurts, when they spit on your soul, when you were betrayed, you don't really think about what your behavior looks like from the outside. Well, reckless people are an example to follow for all of us. Those who never take offense seek from people the decisions, actions, behavior they need in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, motivate, persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people's interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It is a pity that there are not many such people in our life.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can afford to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of a person close and dear to you, and even more so a loved one, is a very strong blow, after which it is difficult to cope with your emotions. But focusing on the offense is not worth it. It is necessary to experience it and draw conclusions from the case because of which it arose. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we adequately perceive them and do not trust them too much.

But it would be just wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I said, there are few of them. Usually they are self-confident people with a maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how one should behave in our society in order to achieve from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, the necessary attitude towards oneself. After all, no one is going to meet us halfway, just because we want it, and no matter how offended by people - most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you deservedly take offense at them, try not to show them your resentment, unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you need. It is not necessary to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, they do not become kinder and more responsive from this.

How to stop being offended

To stop being offended, you must first find out - what result do you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are defiantly offended by people, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere deep down, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment against them, and will do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you are simply counting on the fact that they will apologize to you, if there is something for that, and perhaps you expect people to try to atone for their guilt in front of you for having offended you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that such a model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculation in relation to other people - think of other ways to influence them. Well, what ways they can be - it can be the pressure that you can put on others when you have clearly advantageous positions on a particular issue. These may be the ways I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person to do something that you need, being motivated by your desires, and not by a sense of guilt in front of you. In other words - strive for what you need, not with the help of resentment, but with the help of other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And don't let those who take offense at you make you feel guilty about them and feel sorry for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if it is not there. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you do not need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Being touchy, as I said, is not the best way to influence other people. And if someone at the expense of you is trying to realize his desire, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Train other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, train them to respect you, and along with themselves. Do not pity those who use pity as a tool of influence, such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what do you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, calculating person who knows how to control himself.

Pay also your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved much greater success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations with them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just have to repeat after others, after those for whom it makes sense to repeat. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start following an example from other people, from those who do not take offense at anyone, but are looking for different ways of interacting with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations where we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in these situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if it is not, then it can be invented, someone gets angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people to get them out of them the necessary solutions and actions, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, you need to actively master the most effective behavior by giving up ineffective, childish, unattractive behaviors that often do more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave resentment in childhood - in adulthood you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. In childhood, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. Therein lies the problem of resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life, no one owes us anything. You can't take care of yourself - hardly anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to take offense at other people, all the more demonstratively, so as not to show both to them and to yourself - your weakness and helplessness. Use a behavior that is respectful and will lead to great success in life.

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Touchiness is a personality trait that determines the tendency to notice offensive tendencies in everything, to experience the feeling of resentment that has arisen very strongly, and even to unwind it to an inadequately large size. Increased resentment is characteristic of those who are inclined not to forgive, but rather suffer from experiences associated most often with unjustified own expectations or ideas addressed to a significant object (resentment, like resentment, are not applicable to those people who are indifferent).

Reasons for resentment

Sensitivity arises as a personality trait initially from the feeling of resentment that has arisen, which is quite normal for most people, but only for some it takes on pathological forms that are extended in time and exaggerated in importance. So at the moment when the behavior of a significant person does not correspond to our ideas or expectations, the destruction of hopes leads to the emergence of resentment. This feeling is born from controlling both the surrounding reality and close people, which theoretically gives a feeling of calmness and certainty, removes unnecessary anxiety, but it is impossible in its implementation constantly. Such a consideration of another person deprives him of an independent separate existence in the offended, instead, the person is perceived as a part of himself, obliged to correspond to his own ideas.

Touchiness in psychology is a distortion in the perception of the external world, a set of misconceptions about other people, leading to a violation of quality interaction and understanding. Situationally arising resentment is a reaction to inconsistency, but resentment in psychology is not a one-time episode, but a strategy of behavior and a manipulative technique in communication that allows you to receive attention, achieve your own goals and achieve the emotional warm participation of another when other methods are not available to a person.

Increased resentment resembles a chronic negative state, but at the same time the carrier of this quality does not seek to get rid of it, since there are many secondary benefits obtained as a result of such manipulative behavior. This behavior represents an infantile interaction with the world and is typical for children or immature individuals who seek to put pressure on the opponent (without the appearance of a reciprocal feeling of guilt, the offense remains meaningless and can spin up to a state of revenge, since it carries an aggressive radical within itself). The willingness to be offended almost constantly, with or without a reason, distinguishes resentment from resentment, which is situational and designed to regulate human relations by demonstrating one's own dissatisfaction with the actions of another (in a specific situation in order to avoid their repetition, rather than receiving emotional strokes).

Such qualities as touchiness, tearfulness, sensitivity appear in childhood, especially in those children whose nervous system arranged according to the unstable type or those who were often offended. For childhood, it is normal to react with resentment, since a person is not strong and independent enough to enter into open confrontation with the adult world, respectively, other ways of expressing dissatisfaction are found. This is a kind of unacceptable conditions, with the preservation of security, since it excludes a response (the response to an offense is always a feeling of guilt). Indulging such behavior on the part of parents leads to the development of a selfish personality, becoming an emotional manipulator who remembers that in order to achieve any of your whims you need to pout your lips and go into a dull defense, showing others how heartless they are in their actions. The inherent characteristics can be docked, or they can find their development in adulthood, fed by uncertainty. Such states kill the desire to fight in a person and develop a perception of himself as miserable and unworthy, contribute to always choosing the easiest paths, and usually it is self-pity and blaming others, instead of asking for help or trying to change the situation. It can develop in infantile personalities who have retained a childish way of interacting with the world, seeking to escape responsibility (even for their own mood), they cannot take a clear position and defend their opinion, but they successfully use the help of others trying to avoid the feeling of guilt hung on the offended.

It happens that a person who does not manifest himself as touchy becomes touchy at certain times. Such temporary states can be associated with objective reasons - when too many difficulties have piled up at one moment, and no one can help, or when a serious health condition that affects the emotional background. But those who did not have the prerequisites for the development of this quality are unlikely to become touchy, even under a dropper, even on a deadline. But, despite all the situations, there are moments that are impossible or do not want to forgive, at such moments a person is driven by revenge, a thirst for justice and resentment is inflated before our eyes. The longer this state is, the harder it is to get out of it: if on the first day there were enough apologies, then on the second day, repentance on your knees may not feed the wounded soul, thirsting for revenge.

Resentment, as a constant trait, is usually a habitual and convenient way of arousing the attention of others, while not directly addressing or vocalizing your true need for participation - this behavior is manipulative, although in many sources there are just such tips for attracting a guy's attention. The danger of such methods is that they work only a few times, and then the man gets tired of being provoked, while the touchy way of interaction has already become a habit with the girl.

The main mechanism that unites all particular cases of resentment is uncontrollable states of resentment that occur often or for a long time (this happens due to circumstances or a person artificially inflates the problem - it is not essential for the rooting of character traits).

Conscious resentment, when a person deliberately shows all the signs of resentment, also eventually leads to the true development of this quality. Our brain is designed in such a way that it adjusts to external signals that we send to reality, and if we force ourselves to smile, our mood will rise, and if we portray an offense, then the person to whom it is addressed will be perceived negatively.

It is believed that resentment, tearfulness are feminine qualities, and men in such situations have aggressive and angry reactions, but recent studies have shown that the development of this quality is not tied to gender, but depends on the emotionality of a person. Those. in general, the theory remains correct, since women are more emotional, but if a particular woman has a more developed logical hemisphere, and a particular man has an emotional hemisphere, then of them the man will be more touchy. Also, the formation of resentment is due to examples in the parental family or significant adults, when a child adopts stereotypical behavior, subconsciously noting this model as natural, or consciously choosing a similar way of interaction, seeing the success of its application (for example, when the mother could achieve her desires by showing resentment ).

Sensitivity of women

Speaking about resentment and giving examples, most often it is the woman who is the main offender. Indeed, due to its emotionality, the female psyche is able to experience more emotions and their saturation than the male. For women, there is no secondary, for them everything that concerns their life or their fantasies or expectations is important. Women most often give their offense to their husbands, then to children, and further according to the degree of intimacy. Those. the more important you are in her life, the more resentment will be shown in your direction. It would seem that the opposite is necessary - to protect loved ones, and to lower the dissatisfied mood on passers-by, but this is not about the mood, but about the importance and unjustified hopes. If passers-by do not help her with heavy bags, then the woman is unlikely to notice at all, but if the husband does not react to this, then resentment is inevitable. This is because they don't expect anything from a passer-by, and their loved one is perceived as the one who will take care and protect, and in these heavy bags the image of a caring person collapses.

Girls love to dream and plan, present both event options and the reactions of other people, and get used to such fantasies very much, experiencing true experiences, so a failed trip to Asia can cause resentment not because of commercialism, but because she has already flown there and going back is like destroying happiness. Naturally, in addition to similar, independently occurring states, there is also an adjustable part of the resentment when a woman deliberately demonstrates her displeasure (be it emotional coldness, silence or a frown on her face). Such situations serve to adjust the relationship, to make it clear to others that what is happening is unacceptable and repetition is undesirable. Many flirt with such a game, seeing what wonderful results it brings: men who do not tolerate the emotional pressure and tension created by the resentment are ready for any feats, give gifts, the first go to put up when they are right and do much more. But the program fails, and she is also deliberately offended, in order to get benefits, the woman creates psychological conditions for the man that are incompatible with the healthy survival of the psyche, and he does everything not out of love, but in order to stop mental violence and get rid of the tyranny in relationships.

Showing offense where your boundaries are and how you can’t handle you - you build and regulate relationships in the direction of those who are comfortable and close. Manipulating resentment and thus obtaining praise and gifts for yourself, sharing it with a constant companion - you destroy the relationship and psyche of not only another, but also your own.

Of course, women are more subject to emotions, but this does not turn off the mechanisms, and you should not blame others for your condition - this is childish. The adult behavior will be to voice their feelings and claims, with the development of a further new way of interaction.

But it is worth noting that a woman's choice of touchiness is due to nature, because a purer reaction would be aggression. Which a woman could not afford due to physical weakness. It is resentment that minimizes confrontation, but at the same time denotes discontent, helps to get away from the open, which helps to preserve relationships and life. In the male version, the offense looks like anger, and this is logical, because if something happens that does not suit the man, then it concerns an external threat and here it is necessary to act, and from a position of strength, besides, the man can afford it. The female territory is inside, where there is a family, where there is no place for the manifestation of strength, but the need for adjustment remains, thus, it turns out that offense is aggression, but stopped and transformed by love.

How to get rid of resentment

Touchiness does not add joy not to the offender himself, nor to the people around, it contributes to the destruction of relationships and the personality of a person, therefore the relevance of getting rid of this trait comes first in order to normalize contact with the world and establish relations with society. Most effective and quick way to deal with what is happening is psychotherapy, but there are also moments that will help you to overcome the habit of being offended on your own.

Initially, it is worth learning how to manage the switching of attention in moments of criticism or offensive statements in your address: instead of looping on negative emotions resentment, try to put your feelings aside and listen to the words of your opponent, perhaps he will be right and you are really to blame. In such cases, you can not even get into half of the state of the offended person, but start solving problems or correcting your shortcomings, and moreover thanks to the person who pointed to them. In the process of communication, you are responsible for whether they will offend you or not, therefore, upon hearing an offensive text, openly ask the person to express themselves differently, explaining that such statements offend you. Usually, tactics change, people correct the wording and voice that they did not want to offend you. It is better to understand right at the moment the feeling arises, then you will not accumulate it, moreover, you can make sure that you and your interlocutor understand what is happening.

In long-term interaction, focus on feelings in your perception, and not on emotions (for example, if you are very hooked on the behavior of loved ones, then before you react, it would be good to remember that you are offended only now, and you always love this person). Raising your own cultural and spiritual level gives you an understanding of the difference in perception among people and the opportunity not to devalue anyone's opinion, despite the difference, including your own - so different points of view become just positions, and not a conclusion that you are not important.

Resentment is always about unjustified expectations and hopes, so try to keep yours within limits and reduce the level of expectations from the people around you. You may want attention and warmth from them, but they are not obliged to provide it to you, you can expect help from them, but they are not obliged to provide it. Give up the idea that people perceive the world in a similar way to you, and if something is needed, then make a request, without expecting that the telepathic connection will work, while being ready to equally accept both consent and refusal. People, even those close to you, are not your property and not subject to your control, so getting upset and offended for the fact that they behave the way they like is an endless and depressing task.

It is worth remembering that there are pathological forms of resentment that transform into manic states, accompanied by a thirst for revenge and rage, such situations can go up to the murder of the offender. Such critical conditions are a pathological state of the psyche, are treated permanently in a neuropsychiatric dispensary and belong to the psychotic spectrum. It will not work to stop the manic state of resentment on your own, or even with the help of a psychotherapist, here you need a course of sedatives, antipsychotic drugs and complex therapy.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

The key words of these people are "exactly, equally, fairly." Any deviation from what in his feelings seems correct and fair causes severe psychological discomfort in such a person.

You can't kill first
Then whisper: "I'm not on purpose!"
You can't betray all the time
Then pray: "I'll correct it, for sure!"
You can't run away cowardly
Saying that he went out for a minute.
You can't come back and pretend
That everything remains the same
After all, life does not stand still!
EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS REWARDED FOR EVERYTHING!
Olga Klimchuk

Resentment is the curse of a person, gradually it destroys our life, but we do not even notice it. Sometimes we confidently say that no, we are not at all offended, while unconsciously the insult guides our every act, every thought, forming a certain life scenario where there is no room for trust and joy.

Unconscious geometry: hostages of straight lines

Resentment arises only in one vector -. The reason for its appearance lies in the peculiarities of the human psyche with an anal vector. The unconscious geometry of comfort in the anal vector is a square. Figuratively speaking, this is the template by which he subjectively (unconsciously) evaluates the world... The anal square is the key to a three-dimensional understanding of both this vector and its carriers.

The key words of such people are "EXACTLY, EQUALLY, FAIRLY", these concepts clearly reflect the direction of their thoughts. The square has a rigid structure, the slightest deviation of even one of its edges immediately breaks it, creating a skew in the whole square. So it is in the psyche of an anal person: any deviation from what appears to be correct and fair in his sensations, causes severe psychological discomfort in his bearer.

Any negativity addressed to an anal person, be it a word or deed, instantly evokes. Resentment wakes up, the person becomes isolated, the mood spoils. From this moment on, he is a thundercloud, swelling with indignation: “This is not fair to me! How could he! I am only good to him, but in response this is! .. "

Unconscious measurements were made, the psychic square was skewed. And this immense inner discomfort triggers the alignment mechanism. I was done badly, now I have to compensate for this with the same action in order to regain psychological comfort again. The concept of revenge is only in the anal vector. In a sense, revenge is the pursuit of alignment of the psychic square.

Things get more complicated when the resentment is multiplied by time. Alas, time does not heal an offense, quite the opposite. Time, drop by drop, only pushes the negative bias deeper, increasing the initial size of the “price” that the offender has to pay in order for the anal's mental state to even out. If at the very beginning, as a rule, it is enough for the offender to sincerely ask for forgiveness, then after a short time his "guilt" grows so much that it will become almost impossible to compensate for it. All of its participants become hostages of resentment, and the relationship will never be the same.

Originally from childhood

Childhood, without exaggeration, is the most critical time for an anal person, the most favorable environment. And there is a reason for that. The anal person has an innate program to accumulate and transmit information over time. Everything he encounters is important to him as an experience, especially what happens for the first time. Childhood is one big first experience that affects the whole life.

We can say that these are people of the past, because it is there that they are called upon to collect information (time-tested! - how else?) In order to pass it on to the next generation. Therefore, everything that was yesterday, for them, in sensations, is better than what is happening today, and the future is a continuous projection of the past. Yesterday everything was better: the water is wetter, and the sky is blue, and people are kinder ... Not objectively, but because the psyche is like this: without asking us, it transfers the past to the future. The past is the standard for everything, the basis of the attitude!

The first experience turns out to be decisive. This is the peculiarity of anal people - to draw conclusions in advance, to generalize, based on their first experience. If in childhood an anal boy was sprayed by a passing cyclist and had the audacity not to apologize, then, rest assured, the boy will subsequently carry inside himself a resentment not only against a specific person, but also against all cyclists, whom he will indiscriminately be ready to blame for all sins only for the fact of having a bicycle.

And so with any experience. First woman ... first employer ... first friend - the list can be endless.

Anal mom - mother of grudges

The role of mom in the life of an anal person can hardly be overestimated. Mom is his stronghold, the pivot on which the whole world rests. After all, an anal child, due to the peculiarities of his psyche - a special helplessness and a statement - is more dependent on his mother than other children. Communication with mom is an indispensable basis for the development of an anal child, unconditional trust in her. She is his everything: and the guarantor of his survival, and the creator of the first experience, and the chief operator of the psychic square. And then everything is very simple. If mom intuitively understands the principle of his psyche, then he is lucky, if not, then ....

Anal babies are very obedient. Such children, unconsciously measuring "equally" in categories, believe that, giving obedience, you can get pleasure in the form of praise and protection, which they so need. We perform some kind of action and be sure to wait for a response from back side... If our positive effort is not aligned with the same positive response, resentment arises - not given, underestimated:.

Mom for an anal child is associated with the entire outside world. Therefore, childhood resentment against the mother, accumulating, is transferred at a conscious age into resentment against the world. The feeling of security that was not received in childhood is projected onto the entire surrounding world, a claim and suspicion of everything arises. Overestimated requirements, colliding with a misunderstanding of others, provoke an aggravation of negative states until the internal imbalance reaches a critical point, and the analys himself goes to take what he was not given. His revenge in this case can be terrible.

First love as a sentence

For an anal person, family is everything! This is based on a deep metaphysical meaning. Being the keeper of the cave and taking care of the safety of his fellow tribesmen is his primeval species role. There is no statute of limitations for psychic programs, and today this pattern is still observable. The carriers of the anal vector are couch potatoes, caring husbands, the best fathers and masters. They provide us with a reliable rear and home.

Still on the way, still only in thinking about their first relationship with the opposite sex, the topic of the family is already idealized for them. Anal people are looking for this kind of relationship to last a lifetime! The property of dividing everything into clean and dirty determines the choice: a girl should be just a saint in every sense - pure, immaculate.

There are two traps for the anal again. First, he makes the transfer of relationships with his mother to relationships with women in general. And if in childhood these key relationships were not the standard of mutual understanding, then a greater or lesser skew of the anal square psyche is guaranteed. Due to the limitation period, the insult to the mother reaches enormous proportions. This resentment will determine the whole future life, and the desire for destructive alignment will already take place in a relationship with a woman.

Recall that this is an unconscious process, and the anal person does not control it, he is simply led by this state, which means that he will subconsciously look for such relationships where he can confirm the prevailing negative image of women. Unconsciously, he will make claims in a relationship with a woman that she can never meet, expectations that she can never meet. Obsession with one's own ideals, with a long-gone past, sooner or later leads to the collapse of relations ...

Revenge, obvious or not, will be an invariable part of a relationship with an offended person. This is compensation - his way of leveling out a long-standing resentment: "I was done badly, and now I do badly - equally."

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

The article was written based on the training materials “ System-vector psychology»