How to let go of resentment and forgive. How to forget a grudge: advice from psychologists on how to forgive and forget. Realize that thoughts are not objective facts

Most resentments are the result of unrealistic expectations. Therefore, before you learn to forgive and let go of grievances, you must try to be a realist and not expect from people what they, a priori, cannot give you.

However, in healthy full-fledged relationships, of course, the more people understand each other's expectations, there is a sense of justice and personal interest, the less resentment arises between people.

How is it possible to achieve this in interpersonal relationships? How to live without resentment and learn to forgive? How to learn to let go of resentment?

Have the courage and determination to forget all your past failures. Of course, living in a state of sacrifice is much easier and even probably easier than just being happy. Therefore, it is so important to decide to finally leave the past in the past and put an end to it.

Don't keep everything to yourself. To make it easier for you, give vent to your negative experiences and feelings. If you want to cry, cry to your health!

How to learn to forgive insults? How to forgive your offender?

It is impossible to learn to forgive people and let go of resentment if you do not know how to accept your emotions and channel negative emotions in a constructive way.

Daily at ordinary person 70,000 to 80,000 thoughts arise, with 80% of them negative and 95% repetitive. From this we can conclude: we do not think, we remember.

At the moment when you remembered past grievances - listen to your favorite music or take up your favorite hobby. Relax in the fresh air, chat with your beloved girlfriend, or write a letter to your abuser.

Write in the letter everything that you would like to say to your offender directly in the face. And write everything that you would be ashamed to say to him at a meeting. With each written word, your negative emotions will subside, and with each such written letter, your resentment will weaken.

Just never re-read the letter you wrote, but after writing it, tear it up or burn it. In this way, you will help yourself overcome the emotional intensity that absolutely every person who has experienced disappointment and resentment periodically experiences.

Learning to forgive and let go of grievances also helps to change household scenery. It can be a simple household rearrangement of furniture, or even a short trip. The main thing is to get the feeling that life did not end there, that on a global scale your grievances are just a trifle that you should already forget and let go.

Over time, try to find the strength to mentally thank your offender for the experience that you have gained. At the very least, this situation led you to the idea that you need to learn to forgive and let go of grievances.

"To forgive is to free the 'prisoner' and discover that you were the 'prisoner'." Lewis B. Smides

How to forgive insults and let go of the past?

Set yourself up for positive, be more optimistic. Change your perception of the past, look at it with a sense of gratitude and acceptance. You determine how you respond to your memories.

Our world is full of suffering only because people keep in themselves the pain that was caused to them. To stop this, you must understand that you have the power to control your emotions and that others cannot influence them in any way, unless you yourself allow them to.

You will feel much more satisfied if you focus on yourself and self-improvement. Plus, you will find inner peace, which is many times better than toxic thoughts.

And to learn to let go of the past, learn to live in the present. Living in a state of "here and now" is a whole science and daily self-control. After all, the past can not be returned, the future has not yet come. And the only thing we own and control is the here and now moment. And we spend it so unreasonably, in thoughts about the past, in our own disappointment ...

We must learn to take constructive things from the past, to draw the right conclusions so as not to make such mistakes again.

And in order to forgive your offender and let go of all your grievances, ask yourself the questions: “What led him? Why did he say or do that? What reasons made him do this? When you think about them, you unconsciously put yourself in the place of your offender. Perhaps even you are lucky, and you will find an understanding of his act or the words he said, of what hurt you so much, that offended you.

“If you suffer from the injustice of a bad person, forgive him, otherwise there will be two bad people.” Augustine Aurelius

Then accept the fact that no one is perfect and everyone can make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, even you. And you, too, can someday make a mistake and offend someone by chance.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Such inner work will allow you to learn to forgive people and let go of your grievances, and over time you will understand that life is too short to waste time on stupid and meaningless grievances. Happiness and wisdom to you!

We must forgive those who hurt us and forgive ourselves for all the times we didn't listen to our intuition or made decisions out of hopelessness, as well as for everything we blame ourselves for. Ariel Ford

Before forgiving and letting go of resentment, leaving it in the past, let's think about why it arises in order to become wiser in the future. Feelings of resentment, and with it pain, sadness or anger, anger, a desire for revenge, cause unfulfilled expectations.

And all because of what we give to someone right manage yourself and plan your life, be responsible for its well-being, the ability to make us happy or unhappy.

The offender can be a stranger or a close, dear and most beloved. By the way, people to whom we attach special importance, which means we expect a lot from them, can hurt the most. As a rule, it is not difficult to express your resentment towards unimportant people, for example, strangers on the street. Most notably, it is more difficult to express resentment or even admit it yourself in relation to people with whom we want to maintain peaceful relations, or they are authorities for us.

What happens in such a case? Unfelt and unexpressed negative emotions are directed at the person himself. In psychology, this condition is called auto-aggression, i.e. a person blames himself for everything, which, of course, has a very bad effect on self-esteem and the ability to be successful. It is correct in such a situation to talk about your feelings, intentions and expectations, not expecting that the offender will guess about them himself.

What caused resentment? Every adult person lives with his own “map, plan” of the world in his head. It is assumed, for example, that people should respond to good with good. Only then does good cease to be good, if expected return good. This is, firstly, and secondly, resentment arises due to betrayal (this was written earlier). Our interests are betrayed, but by whom? First of all, by yourself, no matter how painful it was to realize it. If we assume that you are shifting the sacred duty of making yourself happy to another person, and in return he must do everything for your happiness and well-being, then isn’t it better to take care of your needs yourself right away? Feeling happy, a person attaches much less importance to what the other will do in return.

As Paulo Coelho says “Children renounce their dreams to please their parents, parents renounce life itself to please their children”. And who is happy in the end?

Suppose you doubt that you can make yourself happy and transfer this honorable duty to another person, the one whom you "made happy." It's a little strange, isn't it, to be able to make someone happy and still not be able to make yourself so. It turns out that if you can make someone else happy, then you can certainly make yourself happier.

Therefore, we ourselves will be the owners, creators and healers of our happiness, not trusting it into someone's hands, even the kindest ones. When doing a good deed for someone, the most important thing is to feel the joy that it is in our power to help another (even better if he asked for help himself), and not to hope to receive something in exchange. If there are no positive emotions, if saying “yes” to someone, we say “no” to ourselves, then why do this? Out of fear of being offended? Out of fear of losing something valuable? .. Out of a sense of duty?

If you are afraid to refuse for fear of offending, most likely you will remain offended. Saying “yes” out of fear of missing out on opportunities means that you are doing it to the detriment of your interests, which means that you are really missing out on something valuable in exchange for dubious expectations. And finally, the most important duty of a person to himself is to be happy, following his own way. life path to do what his heart tells him to do. Happy people make others happy without any effort, and they are little upset by the occasional ingratitude of others. A mature person understands that she is not responsible for someone's emotions, but others are not responsible for what the person himself feels. He is free to act according to his values ​​and moral principles and evaluate his own behavior, while giving the same right to others. Rather, it does not give, but does not deny such their right. Therefore, he does what his soul lies to, and first of all he sees joy from the fact that he does not betray himself, his principles. Perhaps someone will find this approach strange, but if you think about it, it is the most rational, adequate. When you do a good deed, do it for the sake of the good itself. When bringing happiness into the life of another person, do it for the sake of the person himself, and not for his response. Because the greatest reward is a feeling of satisfaction with oneself, with one's actions. Being the masters and smiths of our own happiness, we gain calm self-confidence, increase self-esteem, feel self-respect and believe in our success in the future.

Otherwise, we are talking about children's behavior dependent on parents, elders, someone who is more important than himself in his own life, guides his choice of decision, and, therefore, there is no and cannot be peace in the soul and confidence in the future, there are always doubts and hesitation, but whether he did the right thing. After all, his happiness depends on anyone, but not on the person himself.

The habit of responding with resentment to what we do not like is formed, as a rule, in early childhood, when the child cannot, for one reason or another, directly state his needs, or satisfy them himself. And the only thing left for him to influence adults is to be offended. In response to the insult, adults (most often parents) give a positive reaction of “care”. Subsequently, such behavior becomes a stereotypical form of emotional response to life's difficulties and appears even when there is no opportunity to receive this care from anyone and is not expected.

If you suddenly turned out to be the offender and want to resolve the conflict, ask what exactly they want from you and why.

In order to prevent resentment on your part, tell about your desires. People can't read other people's minds. It is quite possible that the one to whom you turn with a request will be happy to satisfy it.

In the event that the offense has already been inflicted, it is necessary to find out which needs were not satisfied and how they can be satisfied differently. Not necessarily this person can help you with this, even if it is not in your power to satisfy them yourself. There is a way out, the main thing is to let go of resentment, get rid of negative emotions.

What needs to be done first? Write a letter to your abuser. No, it will not need to be handed over to the addressee. It is written to understand the situation and find solutions. You need to start with the words: “I will tell you now something that I have never said before”. The text of the letter must include the following four paragraphs:

1. That's what you did to me;
2. That's what I had to go through;
3. That's how it affected my life;
4. That's what I expect from you now.

The last point will tell you which needs you need to take care of first.

Until you let go of the past, get rid of resentment, you will not be able to live. full life present. If necessary, acknowledge that you experienced the loss, mourn it, forgive the person responsible for your loss, forgive yourself, make the decision to leave this experience behind and move on. Stick to your decision, even if you find it difficult to stick to it. Believe that the experience you experienced was necessary and, ultimately, will benefit you, make you stronger, wiser and more successful. There will come a time when your happiness will be greater than before from a sense of self-confidence, because you yourself are its creator.

4.3461538461538 Rating 4.35 (26 votes)

How can you forgive someone who hurt you? Is it possible to get rid of the pain that burns the soul, obscures the eyes, does not allow to think soberly? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand the mechanisms of resentment and forgiveness, build harmonious relationships with loved ones and enjoy life...

And again this pain! The heart contracts, it is difficult to breathe, the pulse beats in the temples, and the question in the head: Why? Why is a dear person so cruel and unfair to me, capable of hurting me, offending, insulting, betraying me? After all, I'm with him with all my heart! I'm ready to give my life for him! How to learn to forgive and let go of resentment?

Resentment is a very powerful negative emotion. She, like chains, fetters and immobilizes a person, does not allow her to live normally and breathe deeply.

It is especially difficult to experience resentment against close people, because with them we are as open as possible, we have unlimited trust, we do not expect a dirty trick and we find ourselves vulnerable. It is not easy to forgive an insult when pain breaks the heart, and the mind does not find the slightest justification for the words and actions of loved ones.

We have heard thousands of times that you need to be a smart and wise person, be able to forgive each other, learn to forget the past in order to live joyfully and well. But for a person who is in captivity of resentment, all these are just empty words that sound like a mockery.

How can you forgive someone who hurt you? Is it possible to get rid of the pain that burns the soul, obscures the eyes, does not allow to think soberly?

There are many tips on how to forget the offense, all kinds of techniques that promise to acquire the ability to let go and forgive. Someone tries to read affirmations, someone in a Christian way obediently turns the other cheek for a blow, and someone thinks that it is best to delete the offender from your life, breaking off all relations with him.

Unfortunately, in practice, these methods do not always work or help for a short time. And in the next critical situation, old grievances flare up or new ones flare up, poisoning life with bitterness and disappointment. And it’s not possible to run away from everyone, because often we are offended precisely by the closest people - spouses, parents, our own children.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand the mechanisms of resentment and forgiveness, build harmonious relationships with loved ones and enjoy life.

Psychology of resentment and forgiveness. How it works?

It would seem that no one knows the feeling of resentment, because life does not skimp on injustice, and even native people are angry and cruel, obsessed with themselves, do not remember the good, do not appreciate what we do for them.

But in fact, not everyone thinks so, but only those who really tend to be offended.

Resentment is not a disease, not a curse, and not bad habit, but a feature of the psyche inherent in a certain type of people - the owners of the anal vector.

These people have a heightened sense of justice. Any imbalance in one direction or another causes them a feeling of deep discomfort.

Owners are people of honor, fighters for justice and equality, they are straightforward and unsophisticated and expect the same in return.

For them, a special value is the family, smooth, stable relationships based on mutual respect and trust. For the sake of the family, such a person is ready to sacrifice a lot. But it is very important for him to feel that close people will truly appreciate it.

Not receiving worthy, in his opinion, confirmation of his merits, respect and praise, a person is offended, feels pain and disappointment. And the phenomenal memory given to him by nature plays a cruel joke with him. Instead of collecting and storing important information, gaining valuable experience and passing it on to the next generations, he begins to accumulate his grievances, remembering every situation, every word, look, deed that caused pain.

In most cases, people do not intentionally seek to offend us, to cause pain and suffering. It's just that we are all different and by nature we have - properties and desires that determine the character, our reactions and behavior, perception of the world and other people.

It follows that those around us go through life guided by their own desires, values, and priorities that are different from ours.

Because of such a difference of interests, all kinds of quarrels and misunderstandings arise, giving rise to insults, quarrels, conflicts.

Not knowing how the human psyche works, we look at the world and other people through the prism of our desires and needs. We expect people to treat us the way we would like it, or the way we behave towards them. Not getting what we want, we get upset, worried, upset, and a person with an anal vector is offended.

Since our maximum expectations are directed to the closest people, to those to whom we devote all our time, attention, strength, they most often become the cause of resentment.

People who need to learn to forgive, because you can’t just take them and tear them out of your heart, erase them from your memory, these are ours -

parents, especially mother,

spouses or lovers

children.

How to forgive the closest people? Mum

The dearest person who gave us life is my mother. And we are deeply indebted to her. In the life of a person with an anal vector, mother plays a special role. Mom is not just a family, a person who provides comfort and care, gives a sense of security and safety, she creates a connection between generations, is a bridge connecting the owner of the anal vector with such a valuable and dear past. It is associated with his first life experience, the ability to build relationships with other people.

It happens that the mental properties of mother and child coincide. This means that when she looks at her child through her system of values, through the prism of her desires, she will not have internal contradictions and problems with the child. And he will feel comfortable in the family.

And vice versa, if the mother has, for example, then she has the opposite properties. She is flexible, knows how to do everything quickly by nature and can start to push her baby, pull, rush, expect quick results from him where he needs time to think or adapt to a new situation.

The child falls into stress, his reactions slow down even more, it is difficult for him to concentrate, and most importantly, it hurts and hurts because his beloved mother does not understand his condition, does not feel the discomfort he experiences, does not come to the rescue, but, on the contrary, demands the impossible. The situation is aggravated if she still does not notice the efforts and efforts of her baby, forgets to praise and appreciate the results of his work.

The child's soul is in turmoil, an insult creeps into it, which the child is not even aware of, cannot admit to himself. After all, mom is a person whom he considers holy, infallible. And how can you forgive and let go of resentment if a person is not even aware of it? He carries it in himself all the time, resentment affects his whole life, grows and multiplies.

The owner of the anal vector is inclined to generalize the events happening to him. He will project the first bad experience of relations with his mother onto other people: “What to expect from others if your own mother does not understand, does not appreciate, does not praise.”

Understanding the nature of your mother's psyche, her desires, character traits, conditions that influenced her life, gives an understanding of the reasons why she behaved this way.

She did everything that she considered right and necessary, that was in her power and corresponded to her essence. It is not her fault that she did not understand herself or the child.

When awareness comes, then the question of forgiveness exhausts itself. We do not let go of resentment - it lets us go.

How to forgive a loved one? Pair relationships

A similar scenario plays out in relationships with spouses and loved ones. According to the laws of nature, people who have different properties and qualities. On the one hand, this is historically justified, because such partners, complementing each other, create a stable couple capable of surviving and raising offspring. On the other hand, differences and mismatch of interests, desires and values ​​often cause misunderstanding, lead to conflicts, quarrels and insults.

For example, a woman with an anal vector prefers a leisurely course of life and home comfort, she is crystal honest and devoted to her spouse. And the skin partner needs movement, novelty of sensations, change of scenery, and in the absence of realization at work, he can look for changes in the form of flirting on the side. By betrayal, he plunges his wife into an abyss of suffering and pain.

How can you forgive a person and free yourself from resentment if he broke your heart? Forgiveness is out of the question! Resentment against a man digs into the heart like a splinter, does not let him live, longs for revenge. Nothing brings relief. Relationships turn into a nightmare, into an endless series of resentments and accusations, pain and disappointments. If the family breaks up, bad experience is fixed for life, forcing each person to see a potential traitor and traitor.

Understanding yourself and your partner, you can learn to build a qualitatively new relationship based on mutual trust, respect for each other's differences. What is small for us may have great importance for a loved one. If you remember this, it is no longer difficult to turn off the light behind you, close the tube of toothpaste or put your slippers back in place. We stop counter act and start mutual act, move towards each other, thanks to which all possible reasons for misunderstanding and resentment leave life:

How to forgive and let go of resentment? Children

Children are of particular value to the owner of the anal vector. It is important for him to give them the best, to educate good people, to instill time-tested traditions, to teach everything that he himself can do. He is confident in his rightness and wants to be the best parent for his child. He tries to maintain his undeniable authority in the eyes of children and become an example for them. And that is why he is so painfully worried, angry, offended when they are not at all in a hurry to be like their father, follow his advice, follow in his footsteps.

How to learn to forgive your children and let go of resentment when their behavior is contrary to parental ideas about life, contrary to his desires?! A parent with an anal vector expects obedience, respect, reverence from children, and what does not meet his expectations is perceived as negative, wrong, hostile, causes misunderstanding and gives rise to resentment.

It is very important to understand that we look at our children through ourselves, we are trying to impose our views, habits, interests, our perception of life on them - when their perception may be fundamentally different from ours.

Not knowing how the psyche works, not realizing the differences between their properties and the desires of children, despite all the love and good intentions, parents often make mistakes, preventing children from growing and developing properly, building their lives.

Children are not at all like their parents. They have different desires and aspirations, and they live in a different time. What filled us with joy and pleasure in childhood is no longer able to satisfy the needs of our children. What we could only dream of has long become a familiar reality for our children. The world is developing rapidly, and with it the volume of desires is increasing, which are the “engine”, the key to development and movement forward.

Understanding our true needs, desires and the difference between our children and us, we can help them develop their natural talents and abilities, succeed in life and become happy.

How to learn to forgive and let go of grievances: results

Gives knowledge about the structure of the psyche, about what drives us and the people around us. It helps, false beliefs, unrealistic expectations, teaches you to perceive people as they are.

We are not offended by our beloved cat because it does not sing like a nightingale, and the faithful dog cannot fly, just as we stop being offended by people because they do not possess certain qualities.

The ability to forgive and let go of grievances is developed along with the ability to think systematically. A new worldview gives the ability to adequately perceive oneself and other people, understand the motives of their behavior, anticipate their reactions and manage them.

You no longer need to accumulate and multiply your grievances, suffer or hatch plans for revenge, it is better to direct your energy to something important, interesting, useful - to study Yuri Burlan's "Systemic Vector Psychology".

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

Much has been said about the fact that the ability to forgive offense and let go of the past is the highest spiritual gift. However, some people see nothing behind this, except beautiful phrases and popular expressions. Nevertheless, even doctors agree that it is people with a "touchy" behavioral type of character that are most vulnerable to diseases and various ailments.

There is a belief that a person who carries a lot of negative energy in himself acquires cancer over time and shortens his life. And although this assumption has not been studied in practice, it still has a significant statistical background.

People says: “It's easy to offend - it's very difficult to forgive". Indeed, the one who causes us heartache, sometimes does not think about how slowly we die, bearing in ourselves a lump of pain caused by them.

How to learn to forgive insults to loved ones, former lover, colleagues? How to find the strength to forgive and live happily ever after?

Abstraction from what is happening

"To be offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill all your enemies." (Nelson Mandela).

If you were really hurt, try to create negative motivation for yourself. Close your eyes and imagine what will happen if you begin to carry a grudge in yourself throughout the rest of your life?

• Your offender will go his own way, definitely happier than yours;
• You will constantly bear in yourself a lump of pain that will grow with you all the time allotted for you. Gradually, you will stop rejoicing at everything that happens, and you will start looking for one, the most destructive path - the path of revenge;
• Your life will not be limited to one current wound. From your offenders you will count their tens, hundreds, thousands. And all this time, your own "poisonous" lump will accumulate, like an avalanche. And, be sure, one day it will fall on a completely innocent, close and dear person to you;
• Your resentment will turn into a strong and destructive negative energy that can kill all sorts of bright feelings. You will lose joy, faith, gratitude, respect, love, and loyalty. All this is absolutely disastrous for any union, even if it is extremely strong and durable. Think about the fact that you risk losing all the people destined for you by fate, following the lead of your own negative emotions;
• You will project your negativity onto any emerging relationship, laying a foundation of baseless suspicions and subconscious conflict in them. A touchy person can safely put an end to his personal life and intimate relationships, as they will collapse before they start;
• You will begin to see in every person a potential enemy, a traitor and a traitor, even if he does not deserve it at all and treats you with all his heart;
• Sooner or later you will begin to take revenge. Namely, revenge gives rise to fatal, fatal mistakes that can derail your entire destiny;
• You will definitely start to get sick, even if you now have enviably good health and physical condition. Touchy people suffer from cancer, suffer a lot before their own death. And often only on their deathbed do they come to the mental absolution of their opponents. It becomes very bitter for them to realize what they have spent own life without getting any happiness.

It is also useful to consider whether your feelings of resentment are real. Understand the main thing: all our negative emotions are the fruit of our own imagination. Strangers they don't know exactly about your suffering. Just imagine - none of the seven billion knows why and why you feel bad! This means that your negative feeling has no material or even moral embodiment.

All the bad things that you carry in yourself are only the fruit of your imagination. Your own projection of the inner content. His mirror image. It is worth considering: if the world around is so bad, then what are you good at, and what good are you feeding it with?

Do not drag along the fictional and the past

It is also important to understand that the resentment that you carry in yourself may be your fantasy at all. For example, you suspected your loved one of infidelity when you found the number of an outside girl in his phone book.

You survived a crushing breakup, shed a sea of ​​​​tears and brought down a centner of curses on a young man.

You accumulate anger, distrust, indignation in yourself, and yet there was no betrayal on his part! That ill-fated contact turned out to be just the number of a former classmate or colleague. Your man dearly loved only you, and did not even think about carnal pleasures with other women. But your rage turned out to be destructive, and now you have lost your true happiness, leaving in your soul only anger and resentment for a non-existent act.

If you are not sure of someone's actions against you, you have no moral right to condemn a person and appropriate to him the fruits of your own spiritual licentiousness. Is it worth saying that wishing him harm and taking revenge for imperfect deeds is completely criminal on your part?

If your offense has a very real reason, and you are thinking whether to forgive your offense or revel in the thirst for revenge, stop for a second and decide - is your enemy an offender or an adviser? The fact is that each person appears in our lives for a reason. It either brings with it happiness or experience.

Now you are burned and in pain, but imagine how much such stress can be avoided thanks to this person! Mentally say "thank you" to him and let him go. Take into account your bitter experience, and boldly move on through life. It is easier to offend than to forgive, but only a spiritually mature person can forgive and give thanks for a hard lesson.

positive motivation

In order not to talk unfounded about how important it is to forget, accept and let go, we suggest that you do the last task in reverse. Just imagine how your life will change if you let go of the situation, thank life for a difficult but productive lesson, and sincerely forgive the one who hurt you.

How to forgive an offenseby creating positive motivation?

• From now on, you will not be easily hooked and rebuilt in a destructive way, you will be calm and balanced, your life will acquire new bright colors;
• You will learn to enjoy the simple and banal things that surround you in everyday life. Your life will be filled with high energies and happiness will rule it;
• You will be constantly accompanied by success as an integral part of the life of a strong, spiritually pure person;
• You will be able to easily build relationships with new people who appear around you. Resentment overshadows the rudiments of wisdom, clouds the mind and deprives of adequacy. A person who is morally clear of destructive thoughts looks at others with more sober eyes, which means they are less likely to make mistakes in them;
• You will learn by your example how easy it is to forget and forgive an offense, and therefore, you will become even stronger for subsequent lessons;
• You will become more attractive to the right people, as they are drawn to strong and strong-willed individuals without petty addictions.

Consider that the person who harmed you is only a human, not the Almighty. Tell yourself: " I forgive him, I understand his weaknesses and shortcomings, I do not demand more from him than he is able to give».

Why is it so hard to forgive? How to get rid of resentment? You have tried 139 practices, watched 523 training videos. And nothing! Don't tell yourself: "You need to let go and forget," - resentment still gnaws. Why is that? This question can be answered briefly. But it will be better if you yourself understand. So listen to the story.

Why is it so hard to forgive? How to get rid of resentment? You have tried 139 practices, watched 523 training videos. And nothing! Don't tell yourself: "You need to let go and forget," - resentment still gnaws. Why is that? This question can be answered briefly. But it will be better if you yourself understand. So listen to the story.

Where do resentments come from and how to get rid of them

• Where do resentments come from?
• How to deal with resentment
• The way that works
• How to deal with offenders

Once upon a time there was Ivan, not a blockhead. I bought land, plowed the field, sowed. Waiting for the harvest. But it was not there. The earth dried up, cracked, the sprouts withered.

Not immediately, but it dawned on Ivan: the river is to blame, the water does not reach. It turned out that the flood caused branches, logs and all sorts of debris.

Ivan, though not a blockhead, did not know what to do with this misfortune. One wise guy advised: “And you come on cardinally - with dynamite!” It turned out loud, but ineffective. Moreover, the neighbors came with the police and let's sort things out with Ivan.

Another, more cautious and thoughtful comrade, suggested: “Let's start pulling it out from the very bottom. Thoroughly and definitely." Ivan did not even try this method. How many years is it to carry logs from the bottom? And not the fact that it will help.

He didn't give a damn about the advice and went to dismantle the dam. He took off one log from above and threw it into the water so that it would be carried away by the current. Minimum effort and no special equipment.

Moral: don't over complicate things! The best solutions are on the surface.

Where do resentments come from?

Basically, what is resentment? This is stopped anger. Like a fist stopped halfway. And then, when the offender certainly deserved a right hook. But you restrained yourself - a bad habit, from childhood.

Perhaps when you were a child and were angry with your parents, they severely suppressed this aggression:

A good girl doesn't act like that. And the bad ones are punished!

What, you don't love your mother? So we don't love you! Here we will give you to an orphanage, and live as you want.

The only thing you remember as a child is that being angry is dangerous. If you show aggression towards adults, you will either be punished, or they will get rid of you altogether, and you will disappear without your parents. And each time they stopped their anger, giving no way out. Clamped him inside.

You are now an adult. But instead of fighting back, you are still offended and crawl away. Although the normal reaction to an attack is fear, anger and appropriate action.

How to deal with resentment

Common but ineffective methods

• Cardinal

If you ask the question "How to get rid of resentment?", Google will offer at least six effective ways, three secret techniques, a unique practice from a megaguru, and more. Moreover, they promise to get rid of all insults immediately and, most importantly, forever. Well, why not dynamite for the dam?

Yes, they work. At first they give a pleasant relief, after a day - a slight doubt: "What, is it really so simple?" After a week, you quietly slide into the usual touchy behavior.

• Logs from the very bottom

It's trendy to delve into childhood and adolescent trauma. This approach has the right to life, because childhood traumas lay the foundations of behavior, character and attitude to the world. But you need to approach this with intelligence and caution, otherwise you are at great risk. Firstly, you can drown headlong in these sad memories and you simply won’t have the strength to change something in your present. Secondly, you can get hooked on the coach like a drug. Because there is no end to this soul-searching, and a coach gives a sense of relief and hope for a brighter future.

The way that works

Stop artificially holding, chewing, scrolling through the insult, like a bad movie.

Everything is simple. Emotions are a kind of warning light. Imagine: you are driving a car, your gasoline level indicator lights up. So what? Will you start lamenting and complaining about it? Or wrap up at the first gas station?

Our emotions are like those light bulbs in a car:

• Green - everything works fine, life pleases.
• Red - alarm, something is going wrong or broken.

What should be the correct response to a red signal? Figure out what's wrong and fix it. If you feel anger, anger or fear, someone has violated your boundaries. That is, a person directly or indirectly tries to cause harm. He is an offender.

How to deal with offenders

Any living thing that is attacked has three biological ways to react:

• run away, if the enemy is stronger and it is more expensive to mess with him. If you don't like running, get big and strong yourself.
• Play dead or just ignore the attacks. The tactics of ignoring are chosen by both the strong, not wanting to get involved with every little thing, and the weak - when it's too late and nowhere to run.
• "Soak" the offender. And so that they no longer dare to attack. But here you need to evaluate your chances of winning in an adult way.

In each individual situation, the reaction may be different. The main thing is to make sure that you are really attacked. After that, choose the appropriate way to act, and the need to continue to live negative emotion will disappear. Moreover, the emotion will become the energy for action.

How to change habitual behavior

Many are used to doing the same thing: be offended and drive claims in your head, retell them, complain about life and feel sorry for yourself. Do you want to get rid of resentment? Change behavior:

Honestly admit that your resentment is an irrelevant infantile reaction. You are afraid to act, so you prefer to crawl into a corner and whine quietly there.

Allow yourself to feel anger, anger, rage. If you are attacked, you are entitled to these emotions.

Analyze the situation and consciously choose a rational course of action.

Remind yourself often: an adult is not offended! He either "grabs the dagger" and deals with the offender, or distances himself and no longer has anything to do with him. And just like that.published.

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet