How to help a loved one cope with grief. There can be no alternative to grief. Types of Grief Experience

Death is rarely thought about in the process of life unless it happens in the immediate environment. And at such moments a person stops and does not know at all what to do and how to live on. The usual picture of the world is destroyed, since one of its important components is no longer there - a loved one.

In this article, I will talk about: live all the feelings associated with it, survive the loss and start building a new picture of your world.

My main goal is to talk about how to cope with the death of a loved one take care of yourself as much as possible.

Navigation through the article “How to survive the death of a loved one. Part 1":

First stage of mourning: stupor

This stage usually lasts up to 9 days. An extremely strong and significant event happened: a loved one died. This is a serious crisis, and it is impossible to grasp the full meaning of what happened at once. During this period, people who have lost a loved one may look indifferent and unemotional - this is, to a certain extent, an altered state of consciousness.

If you have lost a loved one, you are in a state of shock during this first acute period. In this state, it is not recommended to be alone. It is important that there are people nearby who could take care of you: cook you food, sit next to you, hug you.

You may feel like you don't feel the way you should feel. Your feelings are now on pause, the psyche is protecting you from all the intensity of feelings that can fall on you at once. There will be a funeral, you will finally understand that your loved one has died, and in a short time you will meet with all the painful feelings.

During grief, especially in the very first period, it is harmful to drink alcohol or drugs, as these substances inhibit all internal processes.

Unfortunately, this recommendation is ignored in our culture, which provokes difficulties in coping with the grief of loss. An important, but unconscious work takes place in the human psyche, for which all internal resources are needed. Alcohol and sedatives take a person away from the painful reality, while it is necessary to plunge into this reality in order to face all the feelings associated with the death of a loved one.

The Second Stage of Mourning: Encountering Feelings

At this stage, which lasts up to 40 days, there is a meeting with the painful feelings associated with the death of a loved one. At this stage, you can feel sadness, anger, resentment, guilt - all together, each feeling separately and in any order.

It is very important to admit to yourself the feelings you are experiencing and express them in a constructive way. This is not easy in our culture: for example, it is believed that it is impossible to be angry with a dead person. But the ban on the expression of feelings does not cancel the presence of these feelings, they simply remain locked inside and prevent the grief from fully living.

If intense feelings associated with the death of a loved one do not subside for a long time, "hold" you, take your vital energy- it means that something inside prevents you from letting go of a dead person.

Most likely, you are stuck on some feeling that prevents you from continuing the inner work of mourning. And in this case, the answer to the question "" will be - to allow yourself to feel all the emotions associated with the death of a loved one.

Stuck on feelings

Often a person gets stuck on one of the forms of manifestation of feelings of anger:,,.

Any person is not perfect, and a deceased loved one could leave bleeding wounds in your soul. Anger in this case is most often associated with unjustified expectations - with what you really wanted in a relationship with this person, but he could not give it to you.

Guilt is the other side of anger: it is anger directed at oneself. You can blame yourself for hurting or offending a dead person, not having time to ask for forgiveness or to say about your love for him, angry at him during his lifetime and did not understand something. It's natural human feelings arising in any relationship. Indeed, our words or actions can hurt another person. We're not perfect either.

After anger, resentment and guilt are acknowledged and expressed, sadness remains inside. It is the feeling of sadness that helps to do the inner work of mourning. And the next short answer to the question of how to survive the death of a loved one will be to survive his loss.

Sometimes you get stuck on a feeling of sadness: you seem to hold on to a departed person, cry a lot, and are afraid to fully accept that he is no longer around.

Visualize your loved one in front of you and tell him everything that you did not have time before his death. Imagine what he could answer you: this is a person close to you, and for sure you can guess his reaction to your words. Internal dialogues are as real to our psyche as communication with people in life.

If you are angry with the deceased, tell him about everything that you expected from him during his lifetime. If you feel guilty, ask for forgiveness. You may want to thank him for something. If you are overwhelmed with sadness that the person is no longer around, tell him about your love and how the relationship with him was important and dear to you.

You may want to cry during this dialogue: these are tears of loss. Crying when you are grieving is completely natural and is a constructive way to express your grief.

Thus, you name your feelings, "legalize" them, allow yourself to experience them, and gradually their intensity and pain will decrease.

It is not known how many times you will need to “talk” with a deceased loved one, exactly how long you will be angry, how many tears you will need to cry out - these are all individual processes. But in order to survive the death of a loved one, you will need to go through all this pain.

The Third Stage of Mourning: Recovery

This period usually lasts a year, which is also called the year of vulnerability. There is a multiple repetition of the previous stage: a meeting with different feelings caused by the death of a loved one.

During the year, all regular events happen that evoke associations with a deceased person and help to accept that he is no longer around: birthdays, New Year, change of seasons, some other significant events. You learn to live on, already without a loved one, change your picture of the world and form a new idea of ​​the future.

The real person died, it's an irretrievable loss. But you still have his image inside, ideas about him, sensations from him. Everything of value that you received in these relationships is inside you. You have lost a person, but the memories and experiences of that relationship will stay with you forever.

You have already admitted to yourself all the various feelings associated with the death of a loved one, and allowed yourself to live them.

Gradually, you begin to think less and less about the past and more often to be in the present. You are already allowing yourself to enjoy life and feel the joy of the present moment. And then - you begin to look into the future and plan your life.

All this suggests that you are starting to build a new picture of the world, which means that the process of experiencing the death of a loved one is coming to an end. And your life goes on.

If you have fully lived through all these stages, then you will not have a question about how to survive the death of a loved one. But you can feel that something does not let you go further, does not allow you to look into the future and constantly returns to the past. Most often, this is a story about needs, which will be discussed below.

How to get over the death of a loved one and let them go

In relationships, we satisfy various psychological needs, for example: love, attention, support, security, acceptance. In intimate relationships, there are two opposing moments associated with needs. The first, accompanied by resentment and anger, is when a deceased person could not give you what you really needed.

These feelings are rooted in childhood - when parents, being, like all people, imperfect, could not give us everything.

For example, as a child, you wanted your mother to play with you, talk to you and be interested in your experiences. And mom could be too busy with work, household chores, or her own personal experiences. And she didn't have time to talk to you. Behind this could be a need for attention - attention to your personality.

Such needs, coming from childhood, we try to satisfy in relationships with loved ones. But the lack from childhood is too global for another person to fill it. Sometimes we continue to expect something from our parents even in adulthood. And then it can be difficult to survive and accept their death.

The second point about needs has to do with sadness and loss. If you continue to grieve for the good that is associated with a dead person, then you received something from him that you do not see the possibility of receiving in other ways.

And here we return to the lack of childhood again: you did not learn to interact with some of your needs on your own and put the responsibility for this on another person. It is likely that the person has assumed this role. And you were so comfortable, and as a result it became habitual.

In order to understand how to survive the death of a loved one, it is important to understand what exactly you have lost. Answering the following questions will help you identify needs that are important to you:

• What was valuable to you in your relationship with this person?
• What were these relationships for you?
• What did you get in a relationship with him?
• How did you feel when you were with this person?

With the death of a loved one, you are faced with the need to think about what you did not think about before. For example, you may be afraid to make decisions, you may lack some knowledge, or you unbearably miss the sensations that you received in a relationship with a deceased person.

At this moment, you have a choice: to remain in such an infantile and dependent position, suffering from the inability to do something, or to start looking for ways to solve the difficulties that have arisen and satisfy your needs. In this case, the death of a loved one can trigger the next stage of your psychological maturation.

Take, for example, the need for attention, which was already mentioned above.

How can you give yourself attention? You can start to take an interest in yourself, in your condition. In my opinion, the question helps a lot in this: What is happening to me now? It is also very useful to listen to your desires.

In general, I recommend in such situations to shift the focus of attention to yourself. If this particular need is not being met in you, you are most likely accustomed to receiving attention from other people. But in this way you make yourself dependent on others. And you can learn to give yourself the attention you need on your own.

In the next article " How does the death of a loved one affect your life?» I will continue to talk about how to get over the death of a loved one and avoid possibly getting stuck in the process.

If you feel that it is difficult for you to cope with the emotions associated with the death of a loved one; something prevents you from letting go; if you don’t want to look into the future, you can seek individual advice, and I will help you live your grief as carefully as possible and understand how you can continue to live without a loved one.

The death of a person causes strong feelings in the souls of his relatives and friends. negative emotions and experiences, because of which life loses color for a long time. Many people do not know how to survive the death of a loved one, how to cope with heartache, a feeling of irreparable loss and pressing longing for the departed. The death of a loved one will always be unexpected, even if there were all the prerequisites for this tragic event, because we all tend to hope for the best until the last. That is why it is impossible to prepare for the death of relatives, and it does not matter whether a person died suddenly or as a result of a serious illness - the relatives of the deceased will have to fully experience grief and pain from the loss.

Despite the fact that for all people the loss of a loved one is grief, everyone experiences the death of a mother, child, spouse, relative or friend in their own way. they are not embarrassed by tears and sobs, introverts tend to hold back emotions, pragmatic people will quickly come to terms with the death of a loved one and “let him go”, and romantics can yearn for a departed loved one for decades. Yet there are several stages of grief that every bereaved person inevitably goes through. Knowing about the features of each of these stages will help you understand how to survive the death of a loved one and how to help your loved ones overcome the pain of loss.

How do people deal with grief

Psychologists distinguish 4 main stages of experiencing grief, through which every person who has suffered a loss or other terrible shock passes through in one way or another. The duration of these stages and the severity of emotions in each of them depends on the type of thinking and.

How to deal with the death of a loved one

Unfortunately, neither modern psychology, neither modern medicine has invented a method that is guaranteed to eliminate the pain of losing a loved one in a few minutes, and is it needed? They paint our lives in bright colors, and the pain of loss teaches us to appreciate what we have even more. Therefore, in order to survive the death of a loved one and return to the old life, it is necessary to live through all the stages of grief without suppressing emotions and allowing yourself to grieve.

It is especially important to "correctly" survive the first two stages of grief, since the ability to fully cope with grief in the future depends on whether a person was able to accept what happened and throw out negative emotions. Therefore, upon learning of the death of a loved one, no need to try to hide from emotions and isolate yourself from loved ones who are also experiencing the grief of loss - the support of relatives means a lot for those who are experiencing the death of a child, mother of a friend or relative. In the first days after the incident, the relatives of the deceased should not give each other advice and urge "to restrain emotions and be strong", it is much more important to just be next to each other and share grief.

Also, psychologists advise against trying to reduce the pain of loss with strong sedatives and tranquilizers, especially in the first three stages of grief. These medications do not eliminate, but only suppress emotions, therefore, after the expiration of the drug, all experiences will return again with full force. If you do not have enough strength to cope with pain on your own or with the help of loved ones, then it is best to contact a psychologist.

Practical tips for coping with the pain of losing a loved one

How to deal with the death of a loved one? This worries everyone who has faced heavy feelings of loss. When mourning begins at the very loss and does not last long, does not drag on too much - it is natural, as if a piece of the body was cut off from us. However, if grieving is long-term, lasts for months, years, strongly - this happens under the influence of negative programs of the psyche, which are fueled negative emotions. The loss of a loved one gives rise to a whole range of depressing emotions, experiences that rise from the bottom of the unconscious, often again and again directing thinking at the time of loss, injure and develop into neurotic states.

Grief, when it visits a person, gives a strange, often very individual reaction. What does psychology say about this, how to survive the death of a loved one? Almost all people go through all stages of mourning. Strong, strong-willed people with the habit of controlling everything, often occupied by high positions - at first they will clearly concentrate, do all the necessary things, give orders, and then fall into. Individuals with strong somatization, on the contrary, may not even find the strength to move, they will feel completely crushed, absent, as if this is not happening to them. A common reaction is not to believe, not even imagine how to survive the death of a loved one.

Disbelief, which has replaced grief, is followed by a search for those responsible for death, thoughts about what should be done in order to avoid it. Psychologists say that those who are practically not to blame blame themselves more. Then comes the stage of relaxation and rejection. Then a year passes, and again quickly the shock, disbelief, the search for someone to blame, guilt for oneself, numbness, and then the experiences pass. Normally, after a couple of years, the feeling of grief should leave a person.

How is it easier to survive the death of a loved one, leaving only a bright memory of him? Having recovered from the first shock of the loss, you will begin to remember the good that the departed leaves behind, how many good deeds he did, what were funny cases. Such a bright memory makes it possible to talk to us about the departed at the present moment.

Burying a loved one, we go through great stages of our inner difficulties. The right response is very important. Trying to restrain feelings or taking sedatives is not worth it - they will only disrupt the natural flow of the mourning process, after which relief will eventually come. It is possible, necessary, to cry, if you want, even to express your complaints, accusations to the departed, how could he leave. It is easier for women to do this, while men often hold back, because losses are harder to live, they stay longer.

How to survive the death of a loved one, if it seems that there is no strength for this? If your feelings are extremely painful, it seems that you are not able to cope with them, a long time has passed - you simply have to get rid of destructive experiences, because in this way you are doing bad not only to yourself, but also dead person. Think that the departed loved one wanted you not to worry and cry, but to rejoice, remembering your best moments. Do it for him, consider the good things in life, enjoy his memory. The worst thing you choose to do is worry and torment yourself. You should work on your feelings, defeating personal negative programs, learn to be happy, accepting death as a natural, natural phenomenon.

When you are in difficult long-term experiences, you cannot stop their flow - it may be time for you to contact a psychotherapist who specializes in living through trauma, working with states of grief. By yourself or with help, but you need to let go of the departed, remember him only from the positive side, with a bright memory and light emotions.

What is the easiest way to deal with the death of a loved one? Remember him lightly, continue his work. What our loved ones created, they did to make us happier. And those parents who, having grieved for the baby, give birth to the next one, do the right thing. Children who live for a month or two with their mother if their father has died, or support their father if their mother has died, do the right thing, help, preserving their way of life for a while, but then continue to live life to the fullest, pushing the remaining parent to it.

How can I help you cope with the death of a loved one?

If a friend or colleague is experiencing this trauma now, you are likely to experience aggressive or absent responses from them. Now he is not the same as always, he does not want to spend time with you, fulfill his duties at work, the state of insanity can last for six months. He needs a pause now, some distance to be with himself - then take a step back, give him such an opportunity. Indicate that you will be ready to help, but you will not tolerate him. The death of close relatives does not justify the boorish behavior of people with loss.

When your friend is not himself, cannot cope with the situation - do not try to help him only by yourself, sitting on the phone at night. The best help would be if you find a specialist for him who can return to society. No need to calm him down - let him grieve. If a person pays everything in the initial part of his grief, he will shorten the entire period of getting out of a stressful situation.

The proverb is true here - you can’t help grief with words. When a loss visits a person, it is necessary, most importantly, to remember that no one is to blame. A person often begins to analyze why the catastrophe happened, the tragedy broke into life.

The main task for you, if you are close to a person living in grief, is to give him the opportunity to live through his loss and, if necessary, be there to support him. Of course, everyone reacts to the loss of a close relative in their own way. Often it seems that the response is inadequate. However, this is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. And the task of those nearby is to support, help to go through grief, learn to live without the departed.

Often in such situations, people are lost, not knowing how to behave correctly, so as not to make things worse, not to say too much. This is their own fear of error, therefore it is easier for adults who have already experienced the loss to help with the loss. worth saying simple words that you condole. This is necessary for the grieving, because condolences means I am sick, I experience your pain, like you yourself. The mourner then feels that he was not left alone in the dire situation.

Is it important to speak out feelings or try to distract a person, switch him to a practical channel? Here we are dealing with feelings, with the inner reality of a person. If talking helps, talk. If silence, be silent. If you just sit down and show your sympathy, the person will often start talking, venting their pain. It can even often come to tears, which you should not try to stop, because with the help of them a person gets relief.

How can a child cope with the death of a loved one?

Death goes hand in hand with life, fathers die, incomplete families remain, mothers die of illness, and then fathers are forced to raise the child themselves. How to tell a child about death, that he will not see his dad again, mom, grandma, grandpa, brother or sister? It is especially difficult to find what to say to a child if a father or mother died, in what words, with the help of whom? Most often, close people deceive children, saying that dad, for example, will leave and will not arrive soon. The child is waiting, can wait for years. Then guilt appears, it seems to him that he himself did something wrong, because dad does not come. He continues to hope, to make some plans. Then hope is lost, anger appears at the one who deceived. Most often it is the remaining parent. This is where trust comes in.

It is advisable to tell the truth, the truth in the context of the family, in what grief happened. If the idea that the soul is in heaven, sees you, helps you and accompanies you now is acceptable for adults, we tell the child about it. But if an adult has a feeling that the departed will not return, will never hug - it’s worth saying softly to the child.

To report death without traumatizing the child's psyche, psychologists suggest such steps. The first is to share emotional experiences child, saying that you clearly understand how the child dreams that dad, for example, would come to the kindergarten for him, play, help, and then explain to the child, childishly, where dad is in fact, what happened. A common explanation is to say that dad is in heaven now, taking care, watching, nearby. And also show pictures of father in different ages where you are together, talk to dad's pictures. You can start talking about your day, where you were, what you did with your child. You will allow your child to form a positive image of the father, which will help him later in life.

It is indecent to cry in society now. Adults, children hide tears in themselves, then we see a number of diseases: enuresis, sinusitis, bronchitis, asthma,. It turns out that for the first time the child is faced with his very vivid experiences, does not find an explanation for them, does not find support. Adults tend to push feelings, because they are often not ready now to face the experiences of the child. An adult is often afraid for a personal reaction, that he will not be able to cope with his feelings, that he will not be able to help the child.

Let us remember how our grandmothers, in the old custom, said "what a grief, cry." And indeed, with a grandmother on her shoulder, the child will immediately cry out a huge part of the pain, it becomes easier for him, because tears cleanse. The body is released from the clamps, an understanding of what is happening comes, humility that will never be the same as before. This is a certain period of maturation, the road to maturity.

When does the understanding of what death is? Approximately in the range from five to seven years. Until the age of five, a child does not yet understand that the disappearance of a loved one from life can be a departure forever. The need to return immediately, to insist that this person is nearby, does not arise in the child - there are so many things around that distract the child's attention. Until five, this period passes without a heavy sense of loss.

Around the age of three, a child experiences a loss, and when a significant adult disappears from his life, he experiences the loss as a loss of stability in his life. This is traumatic for him, but he still cannot realize that a loved one has died. Therefore, up to about a year and a half, psychologists insist not to try to explain to the child what happened, it is enough to give a sense of stability thanks to another adult. Even if the baby asks, calls the parent - explain that he is far away. The child will not yet be able to sympathize with the loss.

By the age of five, the child begins to realize the loss of a loved one as his departure. However, it is still very difficult to understand that this departure is forever. A sense of stability is lost, it is clear that adults are nervous, often cry, worry - the child adapts to such a feeling of adults involuntarily. A common mistake that adults make when trying to save a child is referring to relatives or hiring a nanny who leaves with him, which cannot be done, since the anxiety that a child naturally experiences when he is around should be calmed by you. If the child leaves for another place, remains unaware of what is happening - later this anxiety can often develop into a fear of losing a loved one. A close relative should certainly be with the child at such a moment, who will support him, in case of questions he will simply be able to explain what happened.

From the age of six, a child already fully understands the existence of death, that the departure of a loved one is forever. Here, the fear of losing someone else close may arise. It is important then to show attention, to give the child a symbolic image of the departed - for example, to make a memorable beautiful album together.

To cope with it and be able to continue full life, you must go through all the stages of this difficult test. How to grieve yourself and support grieving loved ones?

Our expert - psychotherapist Boris Suvorov.

Mechanism of grief

The trouble with modern humanity is that we are so afraid of both death and strong feelings that we try to hide from them, pretending that neither of them exist. Therefore, a grieving person is often sought to be distracted from his grief, urging him to take courage, to be strong, to hold on and pull himself together. It happens that when strong emotions rise in a person, frightened relatives drag him to the doctor so that he prescribes tranquilizers, and so on.

It doesn't lead to anything good. Nature provides a natural mechanism for living with grief, which helps to cope with a bereavement. If you neglect it, you can plunge into a long, and even lifelong depression. It is not for nothing that in traditional societies, mourning for the dead has always been supported with the help of special rites. In some places, professional mourners are still invited to the funeral, who help those present to tune in to the right mood.

The natural living of grief involves four stages. Interestingly, their duration coincides with the usual terms of commemoration of the dead.

From stage to stage

"Petrification"

A person does not feel anything - as if he turns to stone, acts like a robot. If any emotions appear, they are weakly expressed.

Duration - this condition usually lasts from 1 to 3 days.

What to do? You should not be afraid and bother yourself or another, this phase should pass by itself in a maximum of 3 days. A cause for concern appears only if it lasts more than 3 days.

Sobs

Strong emotions come, which can manifest themselves quite violently.

Duration - about a week (the phase should end by the 9th day from the date of death of a loved one).

What to do? Do not try to stop it, do not calm it down, but, on the contrary, stimulate the process in every possible way in order to give vent to all emotions.

Depression

Longing, inertia, lack of interest in life.

Duration - about a month (that is, this phase should end approximately on the 40th day after the sad event).

What to do? Some believe that a person in this state needs to unwind, be distracted. In fact, he doesn't need it at all. What is needed is support (perhaps even silent) and a simple bodily presence nearby, so that there is someone to hug and hold by the hand.

mourning

Emotions come back again, but not so violently. A person realizes his loss, plunges into memories, cries a lot.

Duration - 9-11 months. If this stage (like all the previous ones) is normally passed, by the anniversary of the death of a loved one, this should pass and be replaced by an acceptance of what happened.

What to do? The same as at the stage of sobbing: do not suppress emotions, but give them an outlet.

Create conditions

The most important are the first two stages of grief. Therefore, it is especially necessary to create conditions for their full passage. It depends on how these first 9 days pass, what will happen to the person further. At this time, it is desirable for him to free himself from both work and family responsibilities: take a vacation, entrust someone to look after the children - in order to be able to be with his feelings. If you manage to get out of the usual mode for the 40th day - even better. At all these stages, the support of loved ones is especially important, and if it is not there, then the help of a specialist and, finally, self-care.

If it so happened that the time for living grief, provided by nature, turned out to be missed, this does not mean that now everything is lost. It is possible to make up for lost time by contacting a psychotherapist for help. Working with him will help you face your true feelings. Thanks to this, it will be possible to mourn the grief to the end, and then begin to live on without a heavy burden on the soul.