People are lonely because instead of bridges

they build walls.

More often one hears and reads from women with families and children that they are single. Some explain their feeling of loneliness solely by the fact that the husband has cooled off towards them or plunged into work, into a hobby, and stopped paying attention. Because of this, the woman felt abandoned and "needed by no one."

Other women find themselves unbearably lonely because their marriage is crumbling under the pressure of mutual misunderstanding and lack of emotional connection. And their beloved husbands are cheating on them with their mistresses. And there is no strength to endure this betrayal of a loved one. But we have to live together, because there are children, a common apartment, and we got used to each other. They live hard and bleakly, alone together, but they cannot part.

The third women suffer from feelings of loneliness, because they do not find any meaning in the family, entertainment, and indeed in this consumer extravaganza of life. They retire voluntarily, and do not allow anyone into their lives, while at first they are comfortable in their solitude, and only being among people, especially on holidays, they acutely feel their loneliness.

And some consider themselves the smartest, so much so that they cannot communicate with the “lagging behind” opposite sex. They not only cannot find a mate, but consider it a pointless exercise. Lonely and proud, ALONE among fools... They feel discomfort, but do not realize its causes.

Why do people feel lonely?

Loneliness has many faces, manifestations. I am not talking here about pleasant loneliness for a person, or physical solitude. It's about about the internal negative state - lack of connection with other people: I'M ALONE.

Man is a collective being, and develops only among people and thanks to them. And humanity is a single system, self-developing and self-regulating, where everyone performs a specific function. It's like cells and organs in the human body - they perform their function for the life of the whole organism. The cell that has ceased to perform its function for the benefit of the integrity of the whole body is destroyed by the system. Correct cell - no.

It is the same with people who, in their suffering, have come to the feeling of "I am alone." Any suffering tells us that a person does not fulfill its role given by nature. What is this role today reveals system-vector psychology, and hence the causes of such states as loneliness.

We are accustomed to looking for the causes of their feelings of loneliness in the external environment- a husband who does not understand us, cheats, in people - idiots, an imperfect world that does not give us what we deserve, but not in myself.

Modern knowledge of the eight-dimensional structure of a mental person allows us to accurately differentiate our states and understand the causes of feelings of loneliness. And you can do it yourself, without visiting a psychologist.

The problem of loneliness is more relevant for people with visual, sound and anal vectors in certain states.

Feeling of loneliness of the visual vector: I want to love, but I am constrained by fear.

A feature of the visual mental is a high emotional amplitude, susceptibility, a desire to get close to a person, express his feelings to him and get a response. People with a visual vector more subtly feel the mood, emotions of another, and enjoy being close to someone. They are the ones who can truly love: selflessly and selflessly.

When they are deprived of this opportunity, they suffer. In fact, it is not someone who deprives them of the opportunity, but they do not implement themselves your true desire is correct.

“... I found out that he had been walking all our life together ... I followed the link from his mail and read his correspondence on a dating site ... I told him about it, he began to refuse, said that he didn’t sit there anymore, that there was more he won’t, he only loves me, like our relationship just didn’t go well, so he was looking for distraction on the side. I always believed him, even when I realized that it was stupid and he was definitely deceiving. He swears in love, tried more than once to drive out with week-long tantrums, but he says that he will not leave. That's how we live.... I feel so bad, lonely and hurt... I believed him so much, but he always used it, he would not spend the night at home and would come as if nothing had happened ... "

For example, there seems to be a beloved husband, but he is cheating / neil. And she can no longer give him love because of the resentment that chokes her. And the fear that has arisen that her husband will leave her alone fetters, does not give her feelings a move. Fear does exactly the opposite to us - it makes us feel sorry for ourselves and demand feelings for ourselves in order to enjoy them, to extinguish our fear.

Visual loneliness is always “missing a person”. So I wish an emotional connection with him, but I do not realize this desire by action.. I do not realize my rich emotional amplitude - I do not give my feelings of love, affection, tenderness, and I suffer from this.

The feeling of loneliness of a visual person can also be associated with a lack of reciprocity, a response from the object of affection. Unrequited love can make the viewer very lonely and self-pitying.

In any case, whether or not there is an object for creating an emotional connection, if I feel loneliness, then I do not realize my feelings outward - to this world. I began to consume them for myself: fear for themselves, and feel sorry for themselves. I have built a wall of fear between myself and people, and it gets thicker every day because my heart is silent.

Feeling of loneliness sound vector: one among fools.

A feature of a person with a sound vector is a constant internal search for meaning in everything. Egocentrism, his property, thanks to which he is focused on his own inner world, on their thoughts, trying to express the hidden states in a word. This is his innate desire, and desires for physical world he doesn't have. The world outside is illusory for sound engineers, as there is no desire for it, like other vectors. Due to such features of the sound mentality, it has its own task - feel the other person's feelings as your own.

Solitude and silence, night time are very comfortable for sound engineers, in these conditions they can calmly hone their thoughts. Therefore, the sound engineers say: "I love loneliness."

The egocentrism of a sound engineer is given by nature and is simply necessary to focus on their states. However, he also becomes barrier to development and knowledge, because focusing directly on oneself leads to the growth of emptiness, feelings of loneliness and depression.

Sound loneliness as suffering is in the senses I don’t feel people, the world, to which I have no desire initially. One on one with his thoughts and states, closed in on himself, separated by his thought from the "mediocrity" of the rest, sound engineer mistakenly comes to the conclusion about his genius. I am one smart and seeking, and all around are fools.

This is a dangerous state that can result in a complete loss of the sense of reality, as described here: http://tarvic.livejournal.com/50369.html. But this may not happen if every sound engineer uses the tool to become aware of his psyche.

The feeling of loneliness sound - visual people.

One part of the mentality of such a person is visual, it seeks to create an emotional connection with a person, and the other part is sound, it wants to stay in solitude, think about meanings and merge with God. Both of these parts in me, complement each other, and do not quarrel when I realize both desires outside. It looks like this: a spectator who wants to get closer actively gives himself to people, shares his emotions, listens, empathizes, willingly responds to the moods of others. We usually say that a person is in a good mood. And suddenly, a person moves away from people, becomes thoughtful, requires peace and loneliness, keeps a distance. We usually say he's in a bad mood today. In fact, one is naturally thrown into the sound after the visual desire has been filled, and this is temporary. This is a normal alternation of states in sound-visual people.

Conflict and suffering arise when when there is no implementation these vectors, their natural roles. On the one hand, I want loneliness: my sound part of the mental requires solitude, withdrawal into itself in order to compensate for external traumatic factors, for this I don’t need people, but on the other hand, I suffer a lot, because I can’t fill my visual desire - to give feelings to a person .

The desire of the sound vector is dominant, and if a person experiences bad states for a long time - depression, a feeling of loneliness, he will not be able to follow the visual desire and go outside to people: to notice the beauty of nature, mood loved one understand his condition. On the contrary, he is closed in his egocentrism, and cannot feel people. It is impossible to get out of such loneliness without awareness of one's states.

Feeling of loneliness anal vector: resentment and memories.

The loneliness of a person with an anal vector is very often associated with the inability to enter into a relationship due to the rigidity of the psyche. Mental anal people turned to the past, which in their feelings is always better than the present, and even more frightening future. A feature of the psyche of anal people is that they slowly digest changes, do not know how to switch themselves quickly (in comparison with a skin person).
Man with anal often vector hostage of the first relationship experience. For example, a man (with a skin vector, of course) left the family a long time ago, remarried, and she is an anal, faithful and honest woman who sits and suffers, and believes that you can still turn back ... that you just need to wait and he will return ... Sighs, remembering how good it was, grieving, crying. At the same time, resentment against the person who left it settles in the soul. This destructive feeling that “they didn’t get enough, but I deserve it” is constantly growing, making it impossible to act and enjoy life. And life passes in offense and complete loneliness.

Often, people who are insecure, with low self-esteem suffer from a feeling of loneliness..html

When a visual vector is added to the anal vector, then a person suffering from a feeling of loneliness says that no one needs him, that he is not interesting. Visual emotionality multiplies anal resentment, it is difficult for a person emotionally, he is inactive, not knowing how to get out of the emotional trap:

“... fear, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being turned away from you, etc. according to the list ... but, I want to note, this fear is justified, not out of nowhere. for obvious reasons had a lot of bad experiences in the past, deceit and betrayal) now I myself have enough it's hard to believe that someone can be interested in me…” Taken here: http://begushie.ru/

Today, people are born multi-vector, and the presence of all three designated vectors in a person, if they are not realized, manifests itself as great suffering, and even serious illnesses.

There was a period in my life when I suffered from feelings of loneliness. Knowing how it works is a huge relief. Now I know for sure that the path from loneliness to happiness begins with self-understanding:

Previously, I did not fit into the collectives (condemned people), everywhere felt isolated, separate. I have produced the wrong thoughts in my life. I began to understand...

If earlier i hated the whole world, well, or at least individual situations or individuals, now I have established a connection with this “hated” world, and to tell the truth, this connection is now positive.

…emptiness, huge black hole . You don’t want anything, you live by inertia, you don’t live, but you pull the strap of being, every day, like Groundhog Day. Eternal insomnia, millions of fears, no interests. Not a man, but a ghost, and life somehow passes by and in vain.

... Houses going crazy alone... or slept for 14-15 hours a day, trying to forget. What now? Changes.

... not to get out of bed again, again there is no strength and desire to go somewhere, to do something. You tear yourself off the bed, the player in your ears, the music is louder and somewhere far away from here into the world of pleasant sounds and beautiful poems. When you take off your headphones, you realize that nothing has changed... in you...

The article was written using the materials of the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

Everyone can feel lonely from time to time. It could be the pain of parting with a loved one, the loss of a close relative, or moving to a new location after years of living in your own home. People can be lonely for a million different reasons.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is most often described as a negative emotional condition, which a person experiences when he notices the difference between the ideal relationship that he would like to observe between himself and another person, and reality. The unpleasant feeling of loneliness is subjective - the researchers found that loneliness does not depend on how much time you spend in the company of someone, and how much - without. It has more to do with the quality of the relationship rather than the quantity or duration. A lonely person may be in the company of other people, but feel that no one understands him, that these relationships with people do not make sense. For some people, feelings of loneliness can be temporary and pass quickly. This feeling is not easily dealt with by others, and this condition can only develop if the person does not have people to connect with.

Basic Signals

From an evolutionary point of view, human dependence on the group has ensured the survival of man as a species. Accordingly, loneliness can be seen as a signal to join someone. And from this point of view, loneliness is much like hunger, thirst, or physical pain, which are signals that it is time to eat, drink, or seek medical help. However, in modern society neutralizing the signal of loneliness has become much more difficult than satisfying hunger, thirst or treatment. Loneliness can develop in those people who are not surrounded by other people who care about them.

risk factor

Researchers have found that social isolation is a risk factor for many diseases, as well as premature death. Latest scientific work on this topic provide information that the lack of social connections poses the same risk of early death for a person as, for example, obesity. Loneliness is a risk factor for many physical diseases and conditions, such as fragmented sleep, dementia, and even decreased cardiovascular activity.

biological propensity

Some people may even be biologically more vulnerable to loneliness. Research has shown that the tendency to have this feeling may even be inherited from parents and other ancestors. Many studies have focused on how loneliness can result from a combination of certain genes and social and environmental factors (such as parental support). Most often, loneliness as a mental condition that can be equated with other mental illnesses is completely ignored. Therefore, researchers still have a long way to go to fully understand exactly how this condition can affect a person's mental health. After all most of research on loneliness and mental health has focused exclusively on the relationship between loneliness and depression. And although loneliness and depression are somewhat similar, they are still very different. Loneliness refers exclusively to negative feelings about the social world, while depression refers to a more general set of negative feelings. In a study in which the state of loneliness was observed in subjects for five years, it was found that it can be a harbinger of depression, but the opposite is not possible.

Loneliness is not a symptom of depression

This condition is often misunderstood as a common symptom of depression, or people assume that the loneliness will disappear as soon as doctors start treating depression. Simply put, "lonely" people are forced to join social groups and make friends, assuming that the condition will immediately disappear after that.
And while creating a social platform for socializing and making new friends is the right move, don't assume that pain like this can be removed so easily. People suffering from loneliness may have certain concerns about social situations, and as a result they will reject the opportunity to create new connections - such is the human psyche.

The closer this world becomes, the easier it is, in fact, to feel on its sidelines. Do you often feel this way? You're not the only one, that's for sure. Perhaps you are haunted by the question of how to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. First of all, you need to study yourself well, and then on the basis of this you can gradually overcome your feeling of loneliness.

Steps

Part 1

Take Action

Keep yourself busy. Organize your activities so that they take up as much of your time as possible. When your schedule is filled to overflowing with activities that distract you and bring you results, you just don't have time to think about being alone. Become a volunteer. Find additional work. Join a club, sign up for a new gym. Start a couple of craft projects. Just get the thoughts of loneliness out of your head.

• What kinds of hobbies are you into? What do you do best? What have you always dreamed of doing but kept putting off? Take advantage of this opportunity and devote time to it.

1. Change the environment. It's easy to sit at home and spend the day watching your favorite shows. However, returning to the same environment, you will only provoke the development of thoughts about loneliness. Go to a cafe to work on the computer. Go to the park and watch the passers-by while sitting on a bench. Stimulate your brain to distract it from negative thoughts.

   Do things that make you feel positive. By doing what really fascinates you, you can easily get rid of the feeling of loneliness. Think about what makes you feel good. Meditation? Reading foreign literature? Singing? So go ahead! Spend some of your precious time on your hobby. Ask a classmate, colleague, or gym guy if they'd like to join you. Here's a new friend for you.

   • Avoid abuse harmful substances to numb painful feelings. Find healthy activities that truly bring you pleasure, not just temporary relief.

2. Watch for warning signs. Sometimes you can be so desperate to get rid of the feeling of loneliness that you will be ready for anything that even in the slightest way contributes to this. But be careful - do not make bad connections, do not communicate with people who simply use you. It happens that a vulnerable state due to loneliness makes a person vulnerable to manipulators and rapists. People who are not interested in healthy and strong relationships can be identified by the following signs:

   • They look "too good to be real". They call you all the time, plan all your time and seem perfect. Often these are all signs of people who are prone to violence and who want to take complete control of your life.
   • They don't reciprocate. You can pick them up from work, do something for them on the weekends, and so on, but somehow they will never do anything for you. Such people simply use your vulnerability for their own benefit.
   • They get in a bad mood when you plan to spend time somewhere else. You may be so interested in hanging out with someone else that their controlling behavior doesn't bother you much at first. However, if someone constantly demands an account from you, keeps track of where you are and with whom, and gets upset that you are not spending time with them, this is a bad sign.

3. Focus your attention on loved ones. For those who yearn for independence, this may seem difficult, but sometimes we have to depend on others. If you're feeling lonely, reach out to a trusted relative or friend - even if they're hundreds of miles away. One call can cheer you up.

   • If you are going through a difficult period, your loved ones may not even know about it. Yes, you do not have to tell about all your feelings in detail. Share with them what you are willing to share. Most likely, your loved ones will be grateful to you for this.

4. Find your own kind. The easiest place to start is with the internet. It is full of resources where people can find friends. Try to hang out with people who share the same hobbies and interests as you. Think about your favorite books or movies, or where you're from, or where you currently live. You can create or find a group by almost any attribute.

   Get a pet. Building relationships is so important to humans that they have been breeding furry companions for 30,000 years. And if Tom Hanks could live with Wilson for years, it will only benefit you if a dog or a cat appears nearby. Pets can make amazing friends. Most importantly, make sure you don't force people out of your life at the expense of them. Try to maintain friendly relations at least with a few people, so that there is someone to talk to and who to rely on in difficult times.

   Think about others. Social research proves that there is a relationship between selfishness and feelings of loneliness. This does not mean that you should not reflect on your emotions, but it does mean that they should not become the center of your life. As soon as you start thinking about others, your feeling of loneliness will simply melt away. Research shows that, for example, volunteering helps people build stronger and more satisfying emotional bonds, which in itself hurts loneliness.

   • The easiest way to change focus is to find a group of people who need your help. Volunteer at a hospital, canteen for the homeless, or other charitable organization. Become part of a support group. Start donating money. Become a strong shoulder and support for someone. Everyone in this world is struggling with something; perhaps you can help someone win their small victory.
   • You can even think about how to help other people who feel lonely. The weak and the elderly are often excluded from society. By visiting the elderly in a nursing home or hosting parties for hospital patients, you can make someone else feel less lonely too.

   Part 2

   Change your thinking

   1. Express your feelings to yourself. Journaling can help you figure out where your feeling of loneliness comes from. For example, if you have many friends, you may feel embarrassed that you feel lonely. Observe when you have this feeling and write in your diary. When do they appear? How do they appear? What happens the moment you have these feelings?

      • For example, you have just moved from your parents to another city. You have made friends from among your work colleagues, and you like to communicate with them, but still, in the evenings, when you return home to an empty apartment, you get lonely. This observation suggests that you are missing someone with whom you can establish a close and stable emotional connection.
      • Knowing where the source of your loneliness lies can help you overcome it. It also helps you perceive your feelings more positively. In the example above, realizing that you like your new friends but miss your family connections will allow you to see and acknowledge that your feelings are completely natural.

   2. Rethink negative thoughts. Pay attention to the mental loops that run through your head throughout the day. Focus on those thoughts that apply to you or other people. If these are negative thoughts, try rephrasing them with a positive meaning: "No one at work understands me" becomes "I haven't made any friends at work...yet."

      • Paraphrasing your inner monologues can be a very difficult task. Too often we are not even aware of all our negative thoughts throughout the day. Spend just ten minutes trying to track down all your negative thoughts. And then try to rephrase them so that they sound positive. Then gradually increase the time of this exercise until you have spent the entire day monitoring and controlling your internal monologue. Having successfully completed such an exercise, you will be surprised to find how much your outlook on many things will change.

   3. Stop thinking in black and white terms. Such thinking belongs to the category of cognitive distortion and requires your intervention. Thinking in all-or-nothing terms like "I'm lonely now, I'll always be lonely" or "I don't have anyone who cares about me" will only make you feel more lonely and more miserable.

      • Resist these thoughts as soon as they come to you. For example, you can recall different times when you were not lonely at all. When you managed to establish a connection with a person, even if only for a short time, and you felt that you were understood. Recognize that statements dictated by black and white thinking are one-sided and do not take into account the true complexity of our rich emotional life.

   4. Think positive. Negative thinking leads to negative reality. Your thoughts often turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. If you are prone to negative thinking, then you are used to seeing the whole world in a negative light. If you go to a party with the idea that no one will like you there and it is unlikely that you will have fun, you will spend all the time propping up the wall, not communicating with anyone and not getting any pleasure. Conversely, positive thinking contributes to the emergence of positive events in your life.

      Visit a professional consultation. Sometimes feeling lonely can be a symptom of a much larger problem. If it seems to you that the whole world has turned its back on you and that there is no room for gray in your black-and-white thinking, it may be useful for you to visit a psychologist or psychotherapist.

If a person feels lonely, something urgently needs to be done about it. A long stay in a depressed, dreary and sad state can lead to prolonged depression, problems in communicating with others, and sometimes suicidal thoughts. The problem will not resolve itself, so it is necessary to make attempts to get rid of the feeling of loneliness on your own. The advice of psychologists, as well as the willingness to change lifestyles, can help with this.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW! Fortuneteller Baba Nina:"There will always be plenty of money if you put it under your pillow..." Read more >>

Can you overcome loneliness?

The feeling of loneliness can take many forms, so it is important to determine exactly how it manifests itself in the mood of each individual person. It is necessary to answer the question of how long this condition lasts, whether it is constant or periodic, whether it strongly affects social life men or women.

Conditionally, loneliness can be divided into two types:

1. 1. Emotional. It is characterized by the presence of anxiety, despair, emptiness in the soul. It is difficult for a person to communicate with someone, most often this is the reason for the lack of close friends in the environment. Old relationships are also avoided by a woman or a man in every possible way, sometimes unconsciously.
2. 2. Social. It differs in that in a familiar environment, a person cannot meet someone, find friends or a soulmate. Often this condition occurs when moving to a new place, changing jobs or educational institutions.

If this feeling worries a person, makes him worry, cry, deprives him of self-confidence - you need to contact a specialist. It will be quite difficult to cope with your condition without consulting a psychologist.

If a person's loneliness is expressed in the absence of friends, close acquaintances or a soulmate, it is recommended not to dwell on thoughts about this. The following practical tips can help in this case:

• A change of scenery. It is important to find something new and interesting for yourself. It is not necessary to move, change jobs or leave your usual comfort zone completely. But you should at least occasionally dilute routine everyday life with walks, visits to any establishments, travel and trips.
• New hobbies. To save yourself from the growing feeling of loneliness, you need to do something. It can be reading, sports, drawing and the like. A hobby will make you concentrate on the process and get rid of sad thoughts.
• Dating people. Even if it was not possible to build strong friendships or romantic relationships before, you need to try again. On the Internet, you can find those who also suffer from loneliness. It is recommended to spend more time with family and relatives.

Rethinking your current position can also help in solving the problem. There are pros and cons to everything, even being alone. For example, a woman or a man has a lot of free time that can be spent to your advantage. A person is free in his decisions, he does not have to adapt to someone's interests. In addition, you can create a social circle from scratch by thinking about what kind of people you would like to see next to you in the future.

How to stop feeling lonely in a relationship?

The question of the feeling of loneliness should be considered differently if the girl or man is already in a relationship. This condition is common to many people who have a family or are married. Husband and wife after a few years are able to lose interest in each other and stop experiencing past feelings.

If a partner or partner is bad, boring and a person feels unnecessary, it most often does not make sense to continue this relationship.

Everything can be fixed only if the couple is aware of their common problem, and people are ready to change for the sake of their soulmate. There are several ways to do this:

1. 1. Shouldbe interested in the thoughts and mood of your girlfriend or young man. If a partner or partner sees interest in themselves, they will behave similarly. Regular heart-to-heart conversations will help the couple to get closer and trust each other more.
2. 2. It is necessary to spend time so that it is interesting for both. Common interests will bring a man and a woman closer together and allow you to look at each other with different eyes.
3. 3. If possible, negative, conflict situations should be avoided. It is highly likely that partners move away precisely for this reason. If there is harmony, understanding and peace in a couple, each person himself will want to get closer and take the initiative in this.

Do not forget about the personal space of your soulmate. Man does not owe everything free time dedicate to your beloved or beloved. It is impossible to demand from a man or a woman a constant presence nearby.

The same goes for friendships. There is no need to seek attention from people by all available means, all the more so to reproach them for indifference. If you want to somehow speak out about this, it is better to directly invite the person to spend more time together.

The story of one of our readers Alina R.:

Money has always been my main concern. Because of this, I had a lot of complexes. I considered myself a failure, problems at work and in my personal life haunted me. However, I decided that I still needed personal help. Sometimes it seems that the matter is in yourself, all failures are only a consequence of bad energy, the evil eye, or some other evil force.

But who will help in a difficult life situation, when it seems that the whole life is going downhill and passing by you. It is difficult to be happy working as a cashier for 26 thousand rubles, when you had to pay 11 for renting an apartment. What was my surprise when my whole life suddenly changed overnight in better side. I could not even imagine that it is possible to earn so much money that some kind of trinket at first glance could have such an impact.

Traps of loneliness

Being an adult means being alone.
Jean Rost.

Barely descended from apes, Homo erectus, and in some places even intelligent, has not lost the desire of its furry ancestors to live in large groups. In cave times, this was more than justified - living together, it was easier to fill up a mammoth, and hide from saber-toothed predators, and stock up edible roots, and raise children. The further you look into the Neanderthal-historical retrospective, the more you are convinced that loneliness is the scourge of modern times, the fruit of an urbanized, high-tech, hygienic, well-fed and comfortable city life...

The number of calls to specialists about loneliness is growing every year, and this is especially true for large cities. Having united around large industrial enterprises, trying with all his might to improve the quality of life and improve everyday life, man has created an inimitable phenomenon that has no analogues in wildlife - a metropolis, a community of disunited, a huge accumulation of totally lonely people. Unable to find peace of mind in contact with another person, we seek solace in surrogates for love - selling sex, alcohol, gambling, noisy companies. We are fiercely making a career, and they say about us: "it will go over the corpses." We sit up at night at work, because no one is waiting for us at home anyway. We share our lives with pets who become confidants of our thoughts, feelings, suffering, and often mean as much to us as family members.

The feeling of loneliness is one of the most painful experiences for a person. A dreary feeling of emptiness, a tormenting experience of a lack of something that is difficult to describe in concrete words, the impression that no one cares about you in the whole wide world ... Sometimes these experiences are so strong that there is a frightening feeling that you do not exist at all, you are a phantom, an invisible man. Human life begins with the experience of complete unity and merging - first in the womb, then - in her arms, at the mother's breast, the human cub experiences a feeling of complete peace and happiness. This experience makes us look all our lives for someone with whom we could experience it again. The feeling of one's own incompleteness leads to the search for someone who would complete us to the whole. The fear of remaining in this incompleteness forever leads us to avoid loneliness at all costs, losing sight of the fact that it can be a valuable psychological resource, an important, prioritizing experience in life.

There are many forms of such flight, but the result is usually the same - an attempt to avoid one's own internal conflicts only leads to their aggravation.

1. I can't bear to get married. As Anton Pavlovich Chekhov wrote, "If you are afraid of loneliness, then do not marry." A desperate desire to create a couple at all costs is one of the classic ways to escape from the feeling of loneliness, which is not at all characteristic of the fair sex, as is commonly believed. Often, mature men who have experienced a lonely life strive at all costs to fill their home with delicious homemade food smells and a cozy clatter of women's heels, being, to put it mildly, very illegible in choosing an object. The charm of the “candy-bouquet” stage of a relationship allows you to overcome or even not notice small and large inconsistencies, lack of common values, divergence of life goals ... He wants to climb the Himalayas, does she dream of a house with three kids and a lace apron? What's the difference, love will overcome everything, somehow agree! Time passes, and we begin to feel deceived: you are not like that, and you are not like that, but the wedding has already been played, children have been born, apartments have been privatized, and so much has been experienced together that you cannot cut it off and throw it away in one fell swoop. People often take in such cases the only possible solution - to endure. As a result, depression, adultery, and an even more destructive form of loneliness - loneliness together, from which all members of this family system suffer, especially children.

2. Brotherhood or slavery? Belonging to a group creates a very strong sense of belonging, unity in a person - our common cave past affects, when belonging to a certain tribe meant a lot for the survival of a person and his offspring. Tribes have now emerged, but their various options are yard companies of teenagers, political parties, religious sects "catch" their members on a single "hook" - a sense of unity with a group of like-minded people, an illusory brotherhood, which often transforms into slavery - a ban on manifestations of any individuality up to the renunciation of personal property in favor of the organization, the requirement of total compliance with existing group settings and rules. Becoming a member of a group, a person is often forced to sacrifice his own beliefs and norms - group ones, and in this case, the price for the absence of loneliness will be the loss of himself, his own, unique and unrepeatable personality.

3. Pursuit of pleasure. As soon as the extraction of food ceased to be the main condition for survival for a person, the desire to consume as much as possible turned from a saving reflex into a pleasure that gives euphoria, relieves stress and fatigue from accumulated problems, allowing for a while to forget about the emptiness that corrodes us inside. That is why, when we are acutely experiencing our loneliness and abandonment, longing for lost or still not found love, when we feel offended or rejected, one of the pathological ways to cope with these feelings is to “eat” them. Cakes and chocolates, croissants and crispy waffles are used - sweets really cheer you up for a short moment, by stimulating the production of the hormone insulin in the body, sweet foods cause a surge of energy, but after it comes an even greater breakdown, the mood drops even more ... How to deal with it? The hand reaches for a new chocolate candy, and the vicious circle closes.

The habit of “eating” negative experiences very quickly turns into a real addiction, similar to drugs and alcohol: any sadness drives you to the refrigerator or buffet. This is facilitated by the modern cultural standard - "at all costs to avoid negative experiences." Headache? Take a pill. Bad relationship with your husband? So get divorced! Sad? Buy a new lipstick, a new CD, take a lover - replace the loss with an acquisition, and everything will be fine again Increasingly, a new acquisition becomes a reason for joy, and delicious food is just one of its forms. As is well known, the joy of a new purchase does not last long, and we make new and new ones, accustoming our children to this from young nails: "Here's a toy for you (candy, ice cream), just don't cry!". Experiencing sadness for this or that On occasion, we often feel what psychotherapists call "existential emptiness" - a sense of the meaninglessness of life, the futility of our efforts, fatigue and boredom. It is impossible to fill this void with food - the fullness of being is felt only by those who live without avoiding the dark sides of life, rejoicing in the bright, trying to realize their own needs.

The same applies to the pursuit of any other pleasures - alcohol and drugs, running around the shops and acquiring an endless amount of expensive and bright clothes, immersion in an exciting, filling the gaping emptiness with adrenaline and endorphins - the hormones of happiness - the world of gambling and computer games- all these are unreliable, false surrogates of peace of mind, adherence to which is fraught with the development of addiction.

4. Networks on the Internet. Perhaps one of the most common forms of escape from loneliness in big city, and at the same time, a form of imitation of human communication - communication via the Internet. By providing dizzying opportunities to make new friends, the over-enthusiastic network is rapidly becoming even more lonely. Relationships we build real life, always require significant mental work to create and maintain them. In addition, real relationships always contain an element of risk - the risk that they will not like us, they will not accept us for who we are, they will leave us for someone who is more interesting and more attractive, finally. People take these risks in order to create a space for two, in which there will be intimacy, trust, and plans for the future. Internet relationships require almost no emotional labor. Something went wrong? Just remove this contact from your list. Block the ability to send you messages, change your mailbox address, and start over. The ease of creating contacts disaccustoms investing in maintaining them. The result is numerous short and empty virtual relationships, the fear of creating real relationships, the desire to dull the feeling of loneliness with new and new virtual novels.

Another feature of network communication is such that the image of another person in Internet communication is completely devoid of reality. We fill it with our own fantasies, hidden desires, unsatisfied needs, and readily believe that the person on the other side of the monitor is really like that. Do not forget that this is a mutual process, and in the end it is not Luda and Misha who communicate, but, say, Cinderella, who turns into a Princess every evening at midnight, and the Swineherd, who has become Prince Charming. As a result, there is a feeling that the person on the other side of the monitor is exactly the one whom you have been waiting and looking for all your life, only he or she really understands you. And no wonder - after all, you communicate, in fact, with yourself.

So are there ways, methods or methods that allow you to get rid of the oppressive feeling of your own incompleteness, if “there is no one with me”? Paradoxically, psychologists advise you to stop avoiding him first. Be with him. Be in it. Whether it happened as a natural consequence of divorce, or as a result of sudden widowhood, and perhaps because the person himself, as psychologists say, is introverted and does not easily converge with other people, loneliness is a valuable psychological resource, time and space for self-development, the opportunity to understand what exactly you need in this life. If you've been single recently, try to use it to its fullest. "Time of inner silence" is a chance to do everything that you always wanted, but there was no time, out of place.

Did you dream of becoming a singer as a child? Get into a vocal class. Would you like to ride? At the equestrian base. Try writing poetry or prose, growing bonsai, studying your family's genealogy or medieval heraldry. Do not make new hobbies a way to escape from a lonely evening at home or a cold bed, do not use it as a way to get to know each other - if you have been single recently, the time to make new contacts does not come right away. Your classes should make sense to you in and of themselves, regardless of the big or small benefits - whether the evening was killed. Is it world fame - which it can bring you. Do not look for the Other - look for yourself, and over time it will become clear to you who is truly able to share your loneliness, and who is not worth messing with. Such a position has another serious profit - only self-sufficient, psychologically independent people are able to truly love and are really very attractive.

If your loneliness has dragged on, and hopes that it will ever stop become ephemeral, try creating goodness. Remember the words of Robert Penn Warren "You must make good out of evil, because there is nothing else to make of it"? The feeling of loneliness is an experience that destroys both the soul and the body, and lonely people can be very cruel - they forget how to regret, sympathize, empathize - with everything that people do together. Try to help someone who is even worse - go to work as a volunteer in an orphanage, a nursing home, a boarding school for the disabled or a public organization that helps seriously ill children. There are always not enough hands, there is always a job that you can do. Perhaps it is you who is missing there.

Loneliness doesn't end when we finally find someone to share it with - sometimes that's when the loneliness just begins. And you can stop being lonely by creating a new meaning for your own or someone else's life.